Chasing Rainbows in Soap Bubbles.

A sponsee and I have tried a couple of open AA meetings of late, trying to find a good fit for us, and seem to have hit upon a meeting at which we both feel comfortable. We went to it this evening, and now that I'm back home, I find myself in a rather pensive mood, remembering the shares of those who spoke so honestly and openly about what it was like for them, what happened, and what it is like now.

Tonight's meeting brought up some feelings for me around dealing with the alcoholism of my two sisters, both of whom are still in active drinking, in mid-life. With my eldest sister, I can find a way to relate to her because she shares with me a strong spiritual belief, and that has been the place at which we can have a meeting of the minds, and find comfort and sustenance in each other's writing.

With my middle sister, I don't have this way to connect, so I find it much more difficult to relate to her. Her alcoholism takes the form of a powerfully negative view of life and people, and I can find  it almost impossible to respond to what brings up in me a feeling of frustration.

I'm frustrated because I'm not accepting of her, I realised tonight, again. This is not news to me, but it was underscored tonight by a couple of the people who spoke about their fears, lack of hope before 12-Step, and just general intense trouble in finding a way to live in the world.

I need to pray for tolerance and acceptance of my sister. I want us to be able to connect, and since I'm having trouble with it, I need to turn it over to my Higher Power and step back and let it happen within me, let go of wanting her to be something she is not, and work on my own lack of acceptance.
One topic at the meeting tonight was "relationships" - never an easy topic. But for me, tonight, as so often at a meeting, I heard just what I needed to hear.

AA Rally -con't.

This morning I awoke early, which allowed me to get up and go hear the two spiritual speakers at the rally, first the Al-Anon speaker, and then the last AA speaker. The Al-Anon speaker was very difficult to hear, and much of what she was saying was unintelligible. I found myself daydreaming throughout her talk, unable to concentrate, because I couldn't distinguish what she was saying. The interesting thing about this, to me, was that even with this being the case, the energy in the room was undiminished. I've noticed this at meetings I've attended. Sometimes, a person will speak and their voice is so soft that they sound more like the whisper of a breeze rustling through leaves, than a person speaking. But somehow, the attention of everyone in the room upon that person, the active listening and the respect we give to each person talking, is no less for the words being unheard. The feeling carries us.

The second speaker was wonderful, he'd been in AA for many years, and was humble, honest, and funny about his own character defects and attitudes. I love it when a recovering member, whether in AA or Al-Anon, truly begins to grasp the insanity of their own thinking, and see the humour in what would once have caused them stress and anger.

Overall, I found the rally a great experience, and I'm very grateful to the friend who gave me a ticket as a gift. I'd have gone anyway, but this made it more fun, because when she asked today how I was enjoying it, and then said, "You don't need to reply to that, I can see the answer in your face" and we grinned happily at each other, the sense of shared understanding was a lovely feeling.

At the last AA meeting, when the speaker reached the point in the introductory reading from How It Works: "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go ... Many of us exclaimed..." an audience member leapt to his feet and yelled "What an order!" He was no sooner back in his seat before another rose to shout "I can't go through with it!"
This was obviously pre-arranged, and made most of the audience laugh, but a middle-aged couple at our table was grumbling about it. They were saying to each other how much they'd hated it, yada yada yada. I wanted to, but didn't, turn to say, "If you just decided not to let it annoy you, you wouldn't be sitting there in an AA meeting, feeling annoyed instead of grateful or at peace."

I had decided ahead of time that I was going to have a marvellous time at the rally, and I did just that. But how many times in my life have I fixated on the one thing which hasn't gone the way I thought it should, or expected, and that has been what I've obsessed about, while allowing the chance of enjoying the present moment to pass me by unnoticed? Many times. Most of the time, when I was very new to program.

I am deeply grateful that I don't focus on what annoys me, and the corollory of that, which is that fewer and fewer things annoy or irritate me. They just aren't worth my time and effort. I don't need to feel superior or turn up my nose at the things that others find fun. I can allow them their joy, and feel my own. Life is good, thanks to this wonderful program.

Question about Trust

"I asked someone to be my sponsor, but my first meeting with him, he did a lot of talking about a sponsee who fired him, and criticising him. What do I do?"

At a meeting I attended recently, someone spoke about the fact that a long time in program doesn't equate with a long time working on one's own character defects. It's like the old joke about sitting in the garage doesn't make you a car - sitting in meetings for many years is no indication of a good solid grounding in the principles of the program.

The relationship between sponsor and sponsee needs to be one of trust - without the trust, not much can be accomplished. I would not be able to bare my soul to a new sponsor who was breaking the confidentiality of someone with whom they'd worked in the past. I don't have to shame, judge, or blame them for it, I can accept that in this area, perhaps they haven't grown as one would hope, but I'd protect myself, and most likely I would find another sponsor.  We don't always have to be sponsored by someone who's been in Al-Anon for more years than we have; I've watched newcomers leap to understanding about things which took me years to learn. But I would suggest a member who practises program in all of his affairs, not just at meetings, and often, that takes a few years to truly grasp.

I've reached a place in my life where I no longer feel the need to share my opinion on many things with those around me, although I do have a couple of friends with whom this is a wind-down ritual - a little moaning and groaning on the way we think the world could be better conrfigured for our taste. But with those I sponsor, I consider the relationship inviolate, I do not share anything they've told me with a third person, and I do not take the easy road of being critical, when I am still so flawed myself.

Common Denominators - Judgement, and Joy.

This morning I was thinking that for many of us, if we do not work against it, our character tends to solidify and become more rigid the older we get. Left unchallenged, our basic beliefs will harden like cement curing, setting into an impermeable foundation for our character defects.

Had I not been bailing against the tide for the last 26 years, I would be a very different woman today.

So much of my old judgement of other people was an effort to protect my insecure self - I kept people at a safe distance by judging, classifying, rating, labelling...it was an exhaustive and time-consuming business, but it felt necessary.

When I was new to program, and began to slowly grasp the concept that it wasn't the world that was so cold to me, it was I who was cold to the world, and the world responded in kind, it felt like a formidable challenge to try to wrest my thinking around to that viewpoint. I didn't like the view from that particular outcropping, it made my self-pity an unwieldy and sharp-edged garment to don, rather than the soft comforting blanket it had always been for me.

Judgement, I thought, kept me safe. What it did, was keep me isolated. And when we're isolated, we don't get the necessary input to effect a change in our thinking; it becomes ever stronger, self-reinforcing.

I still have times when my internal dialogue is less than loving, and I most likely always will as long as I'm upon this earth. Al-Anon has taught me to be aware of that internal dialogue, and when I can't get up out of that rut, to seek help, whether that's to call my sponsor or a program friend, read some literature, or pray. I've evolved a little shorthand phrase for those times: "No judgement - God's love."

That little sentence blocks the negativity, and reminds me that I'm seeking to become more loving, and to have that loving be a pure and unconditional sort - no strings attached, no qualifications, no requirements. Love for the sake of love. Which brings me to the other topic - joy.

I believe that within each of us is a powerful expansive joyfulness, and we can tap into that joy through working 12-Step. You can see it in the faces of those who've realised that joy is an inner resource, not the result of the perfect exterior happening. It makes daily life a very different thing when we get there, because we become the spiritual equivalent of a self-righting boat. We aren't immune to the storms of life, and we may be swept under the surface by a wave of circumstance, but that inner buoyancy brings us back to the surface, and the "sunlight of the spirit."

Happy New Year, all.