Woke up this morning already running full-tilt on the gerbil wheel before I even got my eyes open. I hate those mornings, it's a fight to get myself off the darn thing in time to be able to enjoy my day. I don't get these very often anymore, and when I do, I find I have a tendency to lash myself for them. So, not only do I wake up feeling stressed and grumpy and out-of-sorts, but I then proceed to give myself hell all day for being in that negative head space. What's wrong with me that I can't get my equilibrium back? Why can't I let this go? Yada yada yada, until I feel as tender and irritated as a brand-new sunburn.
(Make sense to you? Doesn't to me either. But it happens.)
When I'm in this state, I find the only thing that helps is sustained physical effort - housecleaning works very well, but the house is so spotless right now, from having been made ready for the realtor's tour, and the first viewing, open house, etc, that there is nothing I can do in that area. Gardening is out this time of year, and yoga is too mellow - I needed something that felt like work. Hiking fits the bill.
I had a lovely walk in the fall woods, kicking through a layer of huge leaves, maple keys, pine cones, and other detritus decorating the path. It was quiet, soothing, and I felt the presence of God out there. An hour in the woods, and I felt calmed and rebalanced.
I'm hoping I manage to get a better grasp on myself next time this happens. I think I should have an Al-Anon daily reader on my bedside table, and read a few pages when I wake up running on that gerbil wheel of worry and fretfulness. If the dog will allow me to postpone her breakfast long enough to do so.
I don't like the gerbil wheel or the committee in my head that gets noisy. I really wish that I could just mentally go for a hike when that happens. But what I've learned is to pray. I talk to my Higher Power and ask to do His will. It helps every time.
ReplyDelete