Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Test Results.

I got the pathology results from last week's test. The cancer has recurred. So I am facing more major surgery as of May 9. I still have to hear about the tumour marker blood tests, and am waiting to be booked in for a CT scan to check for metastasis.

Today, I am feeling stunned by the news, depressed, despairing and highly anxious. I was standing at my ironing board working on a pattern I'm making for a friend, and had to stop and ask my Higher Power for help - the tears were streaming down my face, and I was completely undone.

I am not afraid of death. I believe it will just be like going to sleep - fading off into unconsciousness. I do mourn the possibility of leaving my beloved Robert far too soon. We haven't even had a year together yet, but it's been the happiest time in my life, and in his. We get along amazingly well, with no conflict, a shared delight in reading, gardening, and other pursuits, and a shared sense of humour. We can make each other laugh, and that's a gift.

It seems so unfair to have finally found the love of my life, and have to be enduring this misery with it. I was just beginning to feel like myself again from the last surgery, and I'll have to start again from scratch in a month. Worse, because this surgery will be even more invasive and mutilating.

I'm afraid I have nothing positive to offer anyone in this post today, just my own pain and sorrow.

14 comments:

  1. Big hug!! Wishing you as much serenity as you can get in these difficult circumstances. ~Longtime reader.

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  2. So sorry for the terrible news and what you will be facing soon . You are in my prayers.

    A new reader

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  3. I am so sorry for your news. Sending good, healing and positive thoughts your way.

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  4. And no medical person can accurately predict how a person will respond to treatment; I've seen stark predictions not come true in at least three cases. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

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  5. I wish you serenity, peace and comfort on your journey. (((hugs)))

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  6. So sorry for the blow. I've been following your blog for awhile, and am glad you have Robert to be with you. Prayers for you...

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  7. I'm really sorry to hear your bad news. That's really really tough and seems very unfair. Thinking of you and sending you love and strength.

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  8. Your blog has been so helpful to me in my recovery, thank you. I don't know what to say in times like these, but know that many more people than just me read your words and wish you the very best. May you be blessed in the love of the Higher Power of our understanding.

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  9. I can only say 'Have Faith',your HP is with you and that I will be praying for you with all my heart. I have a friend who has been through this and come out the other side.

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  10. I am so sorry to hear this and will be thinking of you.

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  11. Holding you in prayer. Your blog has brought so much encouragement and healing into my life ... and helped me have the courage to start attending Al-Anon myself. Thank you for that. Sending you virtual hugs if hugs are okay.

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  12. I am thinking of you and will keep you in my prayers. You have been a light to me. I get so much form what you share in your blog. I'm stumbling here but I wanted you to know I care about you. More virtual hugs from me too.

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  13. I am sorry that I haven't commented here before. This is hard news to hear. I hope that you will be okay. I have no excuse to say that I have been bogged down in the last week. Not a good excuse. Thinking of you.

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  14. Haven't had time to check in for a while, but felt a little stunned with you over this news. Maybe it's fitting to have read it on Easter, when we celebrate such hope after a seemingly "end of the world" event that occurred on Good Friday 2,000 years ago. I've kept you in my prayers throughout your ordeal (I'm sure God knows exactly who TAAAF is), and will continue to pray for your peace and healing and growth. Please know that your readers care and are hoping for the best for you.

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