Guilt.

Guilt can be a useful signpost that I have behaved in a way which contravenes my ethics or philosophy. In that case, it's useful, helpful, and makes good sense to pay attention to what the "still small voice" of my conscience is trying to tell me.

But when guilt is an overwhelming wave consuming me, it's always been a form of self-abuse. I am just not sufficiently evil to warrant that kind of guilt.

We cannot know what we don't know. It's self-bashing to look back at choices made before I had learned about alcoholism, and decide that I was a terrible person to have done, thought, or felt whatever it was.

Practising self-acceptance means that I work to forgive myself for my not-knowing. I work to let go of the struggling mess I once was, and forgive that confused unhappy woman. Life is different now, I am different, and I deserve to let go of the past. Today is a new day, the sun is shining, and I am at peace.

I'm going through a new round of testing to check for metastasis of the original tumour, the first test looked okay, but I have to wait for the biopsy results. It's a difficult time, I'm up and down with it, but overall, my mood is good. The sun is shining today, and that helps.