Last night I was working with someone, and feeling what I always feel - blessed and honored to be given the opportunity to share in another's program growth. Also, thankful to be taken out of my self-absorption - I'm having a hard time keeping clear of worry because my little dog seems to be getting worse instead of better. Each time the feelings threaten to overwhelm me, I try to remember to turn them over to my Higher Power, don't awfulise, do what I need to do for her, let it go. When tears spring to my eyes to see her so diminished from her usual bouncy joyful self, let them fall, don't try to choke them off, push them down, fight my grief.
I'm getting lessons in self-acceptance and self-knowledge through this. Thoughts keep coming into my mind suggesting that I am somehow to blame for her illness, that I "should have done something differently" "wasn't careful enough" even though the rational part of me knows this isn't true. I guess it's my ego which struggles so with being powerless, and wants to make it my fault because then I will have some power in the situation, and I have none. I seem to prefer guilty over powerless.
I'm taking her back to the vet in a while, and will hope for the best, it's my only choice in a situation like this. I've plenty of experience in fearing and dreading the worst, it's an awful way to live.