Please Define "...giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic."

That phrase comes from the "Suggested Preamble To The Twelve Steps" and the entire paragraph reads:

  "Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practising the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic."

I know that when I came to Al-Anon, the very idea of giving anything to the alcoholic stirred my resentment. I felt that he'd already received all of me I had to give, and wasn't entitled to a molecule more. I sometimes think of my resentment as a glass filled to the brim, with only surface tension stopping it from spilling over, which I was trying to carry through my daily life. I couldn't concentrate on not spilling a glass that full, and still move through my life with any awareness - the glass became my only focus.

Various dictionaries define understanding as being tolerant, aware of someone's feelings, being sympathetic, or co-operative.

Was I sympathetically aware of my alcoholic? No, no, no, not on your life. Was I cooperative? Not likely. I was intransigent, I was mulish, I was resistant, and I took nasty pleasure in being so - in this way, I vented some of my anger and resentment. In hindsight, I can see where I must have been a very tiring person to live with, always scheming to manipulate.

I had no tolerance left in me for him. And I didn't care at all about his feelings.

"Encouragement" is defined in various dictionaries as giving someone support, confidence, approval, assistance or hope.

By the time I entered Al-Anon, it had been quite a few years since I'd given my alcoholic anything even remotely approaching approval; on the contrary, I disapproved of almost everything he did, thought, felt, or expressed. I disapproved of him in every way humanly possible, and didn't hesitate to let him know it. Assistance? Given only grudgingly, with great lashings of complaint and self-pity.

I had no hope left in me, so I had none to give. I felt quite annoyed with the idea that I should give him anything at all. Shouldn't he be giving to me?

I had a bit of difficulty with the idea that it is what it is, and if I am to live with any sanity, I must accept that, and go from there. What would happen in a perfect world, might be a nice topic for a half-hour's daydream, but as this isn't a perfect world, in the end, this does me no good.

I had further difficulty with the idea that I needed to begin to be tolerant, accepting, loving, encouraging and understanding in the face of his continuing to drink,  that I did this for my own self, first, so that I could gain back my self-respect.

I slowly came to the understanding that for me to live comfortably within my own skin, I need to give the alcoholic understanding and encouragement, and then let go of the outcome of this giving.

I don't hold it out, still firmly gripping it with one hand, and my other hand stretched out to see what I'm going to get in trade.

I hope this helps a bit.