Friday, July 24, 2009


If I don't get enough time to myself in a week, I begin to feel uneasy, claustrophobic, and hounded. My tolerance diminishes, and my irritation begins to ramp up. I need solitude - to process the day's happenings, to mull over new ideas, to meditate, to increase my conscious contact with the God of my understanding.

If I cannot find the time for those necessities, my judgement begins to slip. My character defects come to the fore, the fulcrum upon which my serenity balances begins to shift, and soon I'm tilting wildly to one side or the other, arms flailing, feeling like I'm in one of those log-rolling contests. Running like mad on a slippery surface, just trying to stay out of the water.

I then start to have one of those strange little experiences where my outsides and my insides are so far apart they might as well be taken from two dissimilar people. Inside, I will be a snarling mess of resentment, frustration, impatience, and self-pity - outside, I will be ( tightly controlled, thinly-veneered) courteous and agreeable. I cannot accomplish much useful in my recovery, if all my attention is diverted to an attempt to pretend to a graciousness I do not feel.

All of this can be attributed to one source - not enough solitude. When new to program, I accepted the suggestions of some other members that my desire for more solititude than the person making the suggestion needed, was "isolating," and tried very hard to be who I am not. I have prayed and meditated upon this aspect of my character repeatedly, and I've discovered that this is just how I am made - with a larger need for solitude than many other people.

I ignore this reality at the cost of my serenity. If, through people-pleasing, I agree to more social encounters than I can manage emotionally, I am not being true to my self, and I won't enjoy them. I don't need to feel less-than because of this, which I did most of my pre-program life, when I allowed others to define me, and suffered the consequences. I can be comfortable with my understanding of myself as a person who enjoys her own company, and needs a certain amount of it in a week, to feel relaxed and balanced, when in the company of others.

1 comment:

  1. I so appreciate this post! I, too, need process, to unwind, to relax, to find balance. I used to feel some measure of guilt about this, but, thanks in part to this program, now that I am older (mid-40's), I've realized it is just fine for me to be the way that I am. Nice to know I am in good company.