I was doing yoga exercises this afternoon, listening to an Al-Anon speaker, and kept having to pause the file, to get up and run over to the kitchen table to write down what she'd just said. This woman spoke about her version of "contempt prior to investigation" and her description caused me to realise that I've been doing just that about my new living quarters. As of the first of Sept, I will be living in an apartment. I've only lived in two or three in my life, becauce I had all sorts of reasons why I didn't like them, and preferred a house.
At the moment, my options are severely limited due to my finances being severely limited. I've been offered a one-bedroom in an area of town I love, close to a large park, and the ocean. It's very small, but it will be my peaceful, private nest.
I have a choice, do I concentrate upon how much I'd rather live in a house with my dog, which at this time, is not within my financial reach, or do I concentrate upon the blessing of this little private space which will be mine alone, and in which I will be able to learn and heal from my sorrow? My choice.
One makes me feel hard-done-by and self-pitying, one makes me feel grateful. I want gratitude, and peace of mind. I want to be able to accept what I am given in life without always wanting something different. It isn't that I believe we shouldn't strive for more, I do, but I"m realising that in the unhappy years of that marriage, I had some belief in geographic cure.
And that never works, because I have to take myself with me. My same crazy over-thinking self would be along for the ride no matter where I went. So I choose gratitude, and the work required to remind myself of my choice, when those little thoughts slide across the forefront of my mind.
Hi there, and thank you for your blog. I googled obsessive thinking and al-anon and came to your post on that topic.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance and time and space to heal are good things. We are all in this together and you are doing a great job sharing your recovery with the world through your blog.
Thank you for letting your light shine.
I constantly pray to help me see the things I can change. Sometimes my attitude is not one of them because of the emotions I live with. Days are not always good days past is past and I am a human who is visited often by the past. What i see I can change is to distract myself at these moments. Fill the space with an enjoyable busy activity. Postive distractions are good. Unfortunatly I am not surrounded by program people that would be an ideal distraction so I choose to busy myself is what I can at the moment and know I am changing, growing and coping, grateful rather than stuck in worry.
ReplyDeleteToday I live in a small, lovely home with my husband and two chihuahuas. Taking care of my home is one of the most pleasurable parts of my life.
ReplyDeleteMy husband, a recovering alcoholic, and I do not have a happy marriage. I want to leave but have not been able to work out the financial aspects of doing so. One thing I do know is that I will have to live in an apartment, something I haven't done in over 35 years. Even though I would be giving up the joy of living in a house, I truly believe that I would be a happier person living in an apartment--but it is hard to make that jump.
My Al-Anon sponsor tells me that for now I need to forget about him and focus on myself. I need, as she says, to be able to water my own garden and develop my spiritual life. I need to have a life. I work (not full time but doing something love), I exercise, I eat healthy, I have several really good friends. I'm not even sure what it means to have my own life. I do know that I'm not happy much of the time.
I too am looking to have gratitude for my life. Thank you so much for helping me see that I am not alone. Good luck to you.