Spirituality

Once again, the first thought on my mind when I awoke today, is reflected back to me from a blog I read every morning with my first coffee. I got up this morning, and walked down the hallway, dogs racing out ahead of me in their usual delight to greet the day, and thought "Faith is simple when our lives are going well, and correspondingly more difficult when we're going through hard times."

Well, it is for me, at least. My faith is tested when I am afraid. Fear is my adversary, and this is how it seems to have been throughout my life. Some days, I feel like my little female dog, who quakes and quails before the new and the different, although she puts up a brave show, barking, while her tail is quivering back between her legs.

I let them out this morning, and they both went rushing to the front of the yard to bark like raving maniacs at an elderly gentleman walking past with his Brittany spaniel - I apologised to him, but he just laughed - he found the commotion entertaining, rather than  threatening, as did his dog, who was gazing at them with interest, ears up, head tilted, and tail stump wiggling - small barking dog isn't intimidating to man nor beast.

I have had years of experience to overcome, with regard to worry and fretting - that was my normal state - I faced perceived threats as my little dog does, barking and snarling, while shaking in terror. I lived in a constant place of worrying that the little I had would be snatched from me - I'd learned of that possibility very early on in life, and it left an indelible mark. From the vantage point of today, I can see that is isn't that the mark has been eradicated, but rather that I have decided not to keep going back to stare at it.

For me, faith is a matter of choice. I choose for today, to believe in a Higher Power who loves me. This does not mean that I will be miraculously protected from the ordinary course of human calamity. What it means, is that I have a source of strength from which to draw, when my own is exhausted.

I have the option of choosing an alternate activity than obsessing over my worst fears. I can decide that I will not go down the road of "what if..." I can choose to live in today, and if I am unable to do that, then - in the hour, and if that is beyond me, then in the next 5 minutes. Some days, fear is the monster in the closet, and all I can do, is keep the door tightly closed, and walk past, bravely whistling.

Recovering.

All things being relative, after a bout of food poisoning, ordinary life feels like a great pleasure. Thanks to those kind souls who sent best wishes my way.

I don't know if it was as a result of being ill, but I had seriously wierd dreams last night, and the one just before waking was of getting myself into a situation of a casual acquaintance taking complete advantage of me,  as a direct result of my inability to say "No."

In this dream, all the old feelings were running rampant - resentment over being treated with such disrespect, anger, frustration, and hurt feelings leading to martyrdom - and at the same time as the main action of the dream was taking place, it's as though I were standing off to the side narrating from an Al-Anon perspective: " This person is not respecting my boundaries. I need to set limits with this person, and stick to them. I should call my sponsor. I wouldn't be feeling so annoyed with her now, if I'd just set boundaries when this first arose - I've done this to myself."

When I awoke and remembered the dream, I started to laugh. The teachings of Al-Anon are sufficiently second-nature for me now, that they seep even into my dream life. I may not always adhere to them, I may have times when I'm struggling against my own desire for control, but when I realise that fact, and work to let go, they reassert themselves in all of their wisdom, and I remember - it works, if I work it.

From Hope for Today, page 18:
"When I came to Al-Anon, I finally found the peace I desired so much. Al-Anon taught me that the path to peace is accepting the people, place, things, and situations I cannot change. Accepting myself as I am, by working Steps Four through Nine, freed me from my self-inflicted inner judge and jury. Accepting others with the use of the Serenity Prayer allowed me to stop fighting. Acceptance allows God to do what I cannot. Acceptance opens the door for my growth and leads me on my spritual journey one day at a time."

"..self-inflicted inner judge and jury..." Oh, how I can relate to that! Only mine isn't only pounding the gavel about my own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, mine is incessantly wanting to pronounce other people in the wrong. This is one of my worst character defects.

I can recognise that this stems from insecurity, and when I was new to program, was the avenue my beaten-down ego habitually sought. This doesn't make it any less distasteful to me, when I realise that once again, I've fallen back into the rut of deciding that I know best how someone else should think, feel, or act. I cannot remove this on my own - I've tried. The only way to free myself of this, is to ask my Higher Power to remove it. But before that can happen, I must be inclined to relinquish it.

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

If I don't do the prepatory work, which allows me to find solace and sustenance from God, and my program, then I will not be truly willing to let go of those coping mechanisms which keep me feeling safe. Nature abhors a vacuum, and if I have an inner hole, it's going to be filled with something - I now realise that I have a choice as to what that something is.

I'm not a victim, I don't have to be filled with anger, resentment,  self-pity, judgement, or condemnation of myself and those around me. When I work my program, and work to accept, let go, be loving, then I am truly willing to have God remove these defects of character, because I don't need them anymore. I have something with which to replace them. I feel better about myself when I am loving and accepting, and I am a far more pleasant companion.

Serenity Beside The Sea.

Yesterday we took the dogs, and went for a walk along the harbour, which is about a two minute drive from our front door. The sky was a clear pale blue, with a few wisps of clouds, and the breeze just strong enough to produce a bit of chop. Beautiful.

I feel claustrophobic inland; I'm only truly at home living close to the sea.

"Roll on, thou deep and dark blue Ocean--roll!
Ten thousand fleets sweep over thee in vain;
Man marks the earth with ruin--his control
Stops with the shore."
          Lord Byron

Meetings, con't.

I went to another meeting last night. It was held in a school portable, and I couldn't find it. I pulled into the parking lot and asked for directions from a teenage boy who was standing talking to someone reclining in their car, with only their feet visible, resting on the windowsill of the passenger side. I found him endearing, this kid, he was instantly willing to be helpful. He started talking, and made it sound as if it were a two-day trip: "You go all the way around, waaay behind, at the very very back of the school.." The owner of the feet, a girl, broke in to say, "Go back out of the parking lot, take the first right into the little dead end street, park halfway up, and it's right there in front of you."  It was.

There were quite a few people at the meeting, some sitting, some milling around by the literature table.  I'd just sat down, when I felt someone tousling my hair. I turned to see an old friend in Al-Anon beaming down at me. I stood up and we hugged. I could feel my eyes filling - having her at the meeting helped me to feel instantly more comfortable in these new surroundings. (When I was new to program, I found all that hugging wierd - to avoid it, I used to shoot out the door at the end of the meetings. I didn't hug my friends, let alone complete strangers.)

I could feel the energy in the room as soon as I walked in and sat down. Some meetings can absorb new people seamlessly, they just widen the circle a bit, and even newcomers will feel part of the whole. Other meetings have more of a closed feeling, and one almost feels like an intruder on "their" meeting.

I once walked into a meeting, pulled a chair off a stack, and up to the table, only to have no-one move to let me in, and I had to sit staring at the back of people's heads, outside the circle, as did the newcomer who came in a coiuple of minutes after me. Then a regular member arrived, and people moved over, to give her room to pull a chair up to the table.  An interesting interpretation of "everyone is welcome."

I've walked into meetings where someone gets me a chair and offers me a drink, while everyone else at the table shifts and moves, so that my chair can be pulled into line with the rest. Then, when I was seated, and glancing around, each person with whom I made eye contact,smiled, raised their eyebrows, or winked - some small greeting.

Last night's meeting was like that - warmly welcoming. Afterwards, walking back out to my car, I felt invigorated and satisfied, mulling over something one of the members had said that resonated with me.

Every meeting has its own "flavour"  - some will appeal more than others. It doesn't make us, or the meetings, right or wrong, it's a matter of personal choice. I might find a meeting doesn't appeal to me, but it's a perfect fit for you. That's all part of how it works.

Comment Moderation.

Today, I received my first-ever unpleasant comment, and after deleting it, decided to change to comment moderation. I had hoped to avoid this, but human nature being what it is, and blogging being relatively anonymous, it appears that the urge to respond in a less-than-loving way overcomes the odd individual. So it goes.

I hope this won't be so unwieldy that you will stop leaving comments - I appreciate reading them.

Meetings.

Last night, I tried to attend an Al-Anon meeting downtown, but couldn't for the life of me find the little 3-block-long street on which the building was situated. I drove around and around in the bucketing rain, for about 15 minutes, but had no luck. I'm hoping it will be easier to find tonight's meeting at this end of the city.

I'm looking for a meeting with a strong positive energy; I like those. I don't know if I'm becoming a crotchety old-timer, or what, but I'm impatient with meetings with much complaining, or moaning and groaning about how tough life is. Life is tough for all of us, what have you got to say that's helpful?

What realisation did you have about how your own attitude gets in your way?

What happened today, or this week, to trigger your gratitude?

How did you use Al-Anon principles to deal with a difficult situation?

What did you learn from another reading of program literature?

Which Step are you presently working, and how is it changing the way you view the world?

Which character defect are you asking to have removed?

How do you recognise this character defect, when it arises in your daily life?

How did sharing yourself with another member, make some area of your own recovery clearer for you?

Etc, etc, I could go on for some time in that vein. I tell my sponsees that when we share at a meeting, it's good practise to pause and consider whether what we are about to say can be of any help to anyone else at the table, or are we just venting?

Venting may feel good, but it isn't helpful to anyone else. What is helpful, is honest self-examination, and descriptions of how each person works the 12 Steps. When I hear a member speaking with painful honesty, about a realisation he had regarding the way  he justifies a certain behavior towards his adolescent child, which he'd find extremely offensive were it directed at him, and the resulting amend he felt moved to make, how embarassing and uncomfortable it was to begin with, but how his child's face lit up when he made his amend, and the closeness that resulted, that gives me hope for my own amends. It encourages me to be honest with myself; it's a good example of working the program.

He's sharing his experience, strength, and hope. I love those kinds of meetings, they are positive, uplifting, and powerful. I can feel God in the room with us.

Art.

A christmas gift this year was a box of 36 watercolour pencils, and last night, I was playing with them, drawing an African violet leaf, front and back.

I haven't done a lot of drawing in the last 20 years, I've worked in a different medium, and I'd forgotten how engrossing it can be. I had my little dog sprawled over me, underneath the pad of watercolor paper. She loves the warmth and comfort of physical closeness when she sleeps, and is perfectly willing to tolerate a book or some such being rested against her side, as long as she has the major portion of my lap for herself.

When I put my drawing down, I surfaced to my surroundings. This is how art has always been for me - an alternate universe, which engulfs me, leaving no room for worries, concerns, or any intrusions from daily life. I find in it, peace and great satisfaction, whether my efforts are successful, or not at all what I'd hoped for.

I'm grateful that art has been a gift from God all my life - a safe place to be entirely myself - joy running through me like a shiver.