Recovering.

All things being relative, after a bout of food poisoning, ordinary life feels like a great pleasure. Thanks to those kind souls who sent best wishes my way.

I don't know if it was as a result of being ill, but I had seriously wierd dreams last night, and the one just before waking was of getting myself into a situation of a casual acquaintance taking complete advantage of me,  as a direct result of my inability to say "No."

In this dream, all the old feelings were running rampant - resentment over being treated with such disrespect, anger, frustration, and hurt feelings leading to martyrdom - and at the same time as the main action of the dream was taking place, it's as though I were standing off to the side narrating from an Al-Anon perspective: " This person is not respecting my boundaries. I need to set limits with this person, and stick to them. I should call my sponsor. I wouldn't be feeling so annoyed with her now, if I'd just set boundaries when this first arose - I've done this to myself."

When I awoke and remembered the dream, I started to laugh. The teachings of Al-Anon are sufficiently second-nature for me now, that they seep even into my dream life. I may not always adhere to them, I may have times when I'm struggling against my own desire for control, but when I realise that fact, and work to let go, they reassert themselves in all of their wisdom, and I remember - it works, if I work it.

From Hope for Today, page 18:
"When I came to Al-Anon, I finally found the peace I desired so much. Al-Anon taught me that the path to peace is accepting the people, place, things, and situations I cannot change. Accepting myself as I am, by working Steps Four through Nine, freed me from my self-inflicted inner judge and jury. Accepting others with the use of the Serenity Prayer allowed me to stop fighting. Acceptance allows God to do what I cannot. Acceptance opens the door for my growth and leads me on my spritual journey one day at a time."

"..self-inflicted inner judge and jury..." Oh, how I can relate to that! Only mine isn't only pounding the gavel about my own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, mine is incessantly wanting to pronounce other people in the wrong. This is one of my worst character defects.

I can recognise that this stems from insecurity, and when I was new to program, was the avenue my beaten-down ego habitually sought. This doesn't make it any less distasteful to me, when I realise that once again, I've fallen back into the rut of deciding that I know best how someone else should think, feel, or act. I cannot remove this on my own - I've tried. The only way to free myself of this, is to ask my Higher Power to remove it. But before that can happen, I must be inclined to relinquish it.

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

If I don't do the prepatory work, which allows me to find solace and sustenance from God, and my program, then I will not be truly willing to let go of those coping mechanisms which keep me feeling safe. Nature abhors a vacuum, and if I have an inner hole, it's going to be filled with something - I now realise that I have a choice as to what that something is.

I'm not a victim, I don't have to be filled with anger, resentment,  self-pity, judgement, or condemnation of myself and those around me. When I work my program, and work to accept, let go, be loving, then I am truly willing to have God remove these defects of character, because I don't need them anymore. I have something with which to replace them. I feel better about myself when I am loving and accepting, and I am a far more pleasant companion.