Sunday, February 8, 2015

Denial, Or Waiting It Out?

Denial means that I am refusing to acknowledge a truth which sits right before me, "large as life, and twice as ugly."  

Waiting it out, means that I have clarity regarding the situation, and an ability to understand that it's beyond my immediate control.

I've had many times in this journey in Al-Anon, when I've been so far gone into a state of HALT that I couldn't distinguish between whether I've been in denial, or whether I was waiting it out - I could not tell the one from the other, no matter how I tried.

It's been fascinating for me to add "moderate to severe pain" to HALT, so I'm not just hungry angry lonely or tired, I'm also in sufficient physical pain to inhibit and affect my judgement. In enough pain, I can be completely unable to grasp the lifeline of hope and serenity. 

That which a few hours earlier, seemed only a struggle up a relatively minor hill, and well within my reach, thanks to all those who love me, and are more than willing to help shoulder the burden to reach the summit...

.......given enough physical torment, somehow morphs into an asinine plan to try climbing Mount Everest in a track suit, with a hot dog  and one banana.

When I'm in denial, I feel weak, hopeless, ineffective, stupid, and like a bad person.

When I'm waiting it out, I know that my powerlessness is a gift, allowing me time to seek through prayer and meditation, closer contact with my Higher Power.

Closer contact with my Higher Power brings me peace, and the belief that I can get through whatever is to come. Not merely get through it, but feel boundless gratitide for, and joy in my beloved Robert, who understands my heart,  and brings me 50-year-old sewing machines, with which I putter about, and oil, and shine and polish, until they run with a softly powerful purr and a perfection of stitch not possible from new plastic models. The other day, I sent to my brother 3 pictures. - one of the new/old machine alone in its beautiful wooden cabinet, with the two-tone blue enamel, and chrome dials gleaming, and then one each of first Robert, and then me, perched on the sewing chair, and grinning with wild glee.....

...... and I've got new cancer tumours.....

......but they will only have the room in my life that I choose to give them. My choice, thanks to this blessed program.

Thanks to all of you who write, share your experience strength and hope, and to those who read. When I first began this blog, I could never have imagined the love and caring I would feel, and still do. Blessings, and may you wake to the knowledge that you are loved by a Higher Power.


  1. Finding joy in the small distractions. Why not. Sending you love and peace.

  2. I wish that you didn't have to go through so much. I am glad though that you have your program and Robert. So much to live for each day.

  3. Here's hoping and praying that each day you keep on finding the tender, nurturing love of God, of Robert, of friends far and near. Keep up the sewing and the pain meds! You are working your program well. I love the idea of adding pain to HALT--it fits.