This morning I returned a call received the other day, from a nurse working for a screening program - I've been told I need a test, the same test that started it all off for my friend, who died a year ago this past May. Thus far, I've been calm and relaxed about it, but this morning, when I called the number and listened while the automated voicemail gave directions about what I should do, I felt the first rise of unease - not a lot, not a great sweeping rush of it, just a momentary shiver running through me.
In Al-Anon, I learned what a waste of time it is to worry, and on the whole, I don't indulge in that mental torture of self. But this test was the beginning of the end for my friend, so I'm not surprised that I have the occasional thought trying to force its way into the forefront of my consciousness.
But I've also had ample life experience of hours, days, weeks, spent in fearful anticipation of "evils which never arrived," and I know what a pointless exercise it is to project the object of my fear onto the wall, and then tell myself frightening stories about it, when I could be enjoying my life. All I have is this moment, and it's my choice how I spend it. So, I choose enjoyment.
The mind always goes directly to the worse case senario. It is hard to see that it is just as likely the best case senario just might happen.
ReplyDeleteThis is your journey not anyone elses. I meditate when I am stressed and if that doesn't work I eat ice cream and watch movies I love.
We have control of our thoughts they are just thoughts not reality. When I am crazy I try not to spend too much time alone.
Sounds like a good choice. And projecting seems to put me into a miserable state. I do my best to just be in this day.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how fast our minds can take us places we should not go. The loss of your good friend was hard, and opened your eyes to so many things that I'm not surprised you felt some fear. I'm glad you chose to stop and think about what you have learned in Al-Anon, instead of wasting time in fearful anticipation. I hope all goes well with your test.
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