Why are we so determined to do it ourselves? I once thought that this was a sign of power, of being capable, efficient, successful. I considered asking for help a weakness. I've learned that when I ask for help, that's when I'm humble. I'm admitting that I cannot do it on my own, that I am in need of company, support, love.
Sitting around fuming and waiting will never get me what I need. Other people cannot read my mind, I need to ask. I need to understand that when I ask, there are going to be times in which the other person is unavailable or unable or unwilling, and that I must accept. If I can't get help from one person, try another. My sponsor isn't always going to be at the end of that phone, she too has a life. So what then?
Call another friend. If there is no person available to speak with me, I can read program literature, or turn to my Higher Power.
I have had to learn that I can give myself the encouragement love and support which I always sought from others. I can calm myself down in the same way that I used to wind myself up. When I make my own happiness and my own serenity my first priority, that's self-care, and I deserve that.
I thought today that my life feels very different now, because I am getting affirmations from program friends, and my siblings, that I am a good, warm, loving, compassionate person. What's different is that I don't have my ex-husband chipping away at my self-image, telling me the opposite. My heart is lighter, and joy fills me at the smallest things - sunshine pouring over the roof of the cathedral one block away, and visible from my living room window, assistance I render to someone in the building: time spent sewing jeans for myself: playing with cats as a volunteer for the SPCA.
I feel that I am a lucky woman to be living my life today, I have found peace that I sought for so long when married to the alcoholic. It was impossible because of his lying. Some people can live with that, and accept it as a symptom of the disease, but for me, because of my childhood, I need to be able to trust.
I pray for gratitude for all with which I'm blessed today. I pray for tolerance, patience, and a loving spirit.