Yesterday the phone rang, and I answered it, unthinkingly, and for a moment, didn't recognise the voice of the man calling, until he asked, "How are you?" - it was my husband. I was in shock as he chatted on, until finally I managed to ask, "Why did you call?'
He said pleasantly that he was calling to invite me to Christmas dinner. I could feel myself start to tremble, that's how it started between us all those years ago, with his invitation to Christmas dinner. I've had to work to detach from my emotional response - some part of me wanting to go back to that time that the more rational self knows is lost to me forever - when I trusted him implicitly, and was so in love with him.
When I believed him. It's a miserable thing, to find out that you cannot trust the one person who should be the one into whose trust you can relax, against the pressures of the world. I made some excuise about needing time to think, and got off the phone, calling at once my counsellor and then my
sponsor, getting badlty needed reinforcements and support.
My husband has been so skilled at making life my fault that I can fall into that minset unthinkingly. I was deeply grateful for those two women, who took their time to help me maintain the ground I've gained, and not fall back. It would be so easy to just give up and fall back - until reality set in.
I pray to find compassion for the alcoholic's confusions, and my own, not to be deciding that they must fall upon my shoulders.