Monday, November 12, 2012

Memories Surfacing.

 I've been having memories from the early days of the marriage surface, and invariably, they are memories of the alcoholic's skillful manipulation of me, through the use of guilt.

This has a double effect of both making me laugh with wonder, and groan for my gullibility. I could get caught up in the blindness of the woman I was, or I can allow the humour of how well it worked to assist me in my search for self-acceptance, then record the memories in my journal, so they don't sink out of sight, be again forgotten, and trip me up in the future.

This feels like a positive learning process, and if I stay open, I will gain knowledge about myself and my character. I had a certain idea of how it had been when we were new, and since I left him, I've been granted the understanding that this vision was created by my enabling co-dependency operating at top speed.

Letting go of it all will take a little time, but if it is my own inventory I take, my own character defects I examine, for how they've held me back in my life, if I am willing to stay free of anger, I can feel that the growth from this will be life-altering.

I pray to let go of pride, and to retain humour.


  1. I vote for humor! When I am able to look back on my bad behavior and chuckle at myself, I know I'm starting to get the message. Instead of accepting with shame, I'm trying to accept and let go with a smile.

  2. Perfectly written and just what I needed to hear!

  3. It is hard to look back at the behavior of two people who loved each other but who were both not very healthy and had no idea how to have a relationship. I think about how we were in the beginning. So much wanting to have the "perfect" life. It turned out to be very different from perfect. But we are still together and work at loving each other every day. Humor does help!

  4. When the subject of controlling someone with guilt comes up it strikes a harmonious chord with me. I have discovered that my alcoholic wife is a master at controlling me with guilt. Perhaps that's what made me so attractive to her. She readily discovered that I was easily manipulated and controlled by guilt and anger. "What? You want to go out with your friends and leave me home all alone?" If I ignored the guilt feelings and went out anyway, guess who came home to a wife who was sullen and moody?" It soon became just "easier" to stay home rather than endure the guilt trip that I knew would accompany my time with friends. I needed so much help, but didn't know it at the time. I thought I was being the considerate husband. How sick is that?