It's a cliche to say that people reveal the depths of their character during painful times, or times of crisis. My spouse has revealed himself to me with the death of my friend, and I'm having some difficulty accepting it. I couldn't understand why this was, until this morning, when I realised that this was the smashing of my last illusion about him. That illusion has carried me through difficult learning experiences, and been of comfort to me when I was struggling, but it was an illusion, nothing more.
He has always been precisely who he is, it is I who have made him into someone else in my thinking.
A friend jokes that she hates realisations because they always bring change, and she can't go back to her previous state of "not-knowing." I've known and felt that there was a change coming for me, and I've been spending more of my time in working Step Eleven:
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God.as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out."
I've been seeking that inward silent peace, and achieving it for longer periods, but the unexpected result inherent in that peace, is a clearer understanding. This may come to me as a slow dawning, or I may be granted an understanding which feels like a sharp slap to the face - it stings. This one is a stinger, I'm afraid, and I can't say I like it much, but I don't have to, I have only to accept. To rub the side of my face, and while trying to soothe the sting, thank my Higher Power for having granted it to me. Mostly, I've only been able to be grateful for the painful slapping realisations in retrospect, but I'm making the effort to get there much sooner, and be grateful while the pain is still present.
I've learned to look at pain as simply an indicator that I am trying to hold onto to something, like an illusion or some other construct I've created to make my world what I want it to be. The less I hang onto, the less pain I feel.
ReplyDeleteBut that is always easier said than done :)
I have often made people into who I wanted them to be. I think it is all about denial.
ReplyDeleteCan you choose compassion for yourself? Neurologists would say powerful hormones that bind us to loved ones also blind us to their full humanity. Or perhaps you saw what you did for so long because that's who your are-- you see first the good in people. It's a wonderful gift, really, to see light before darkness.
ReplyDeleteWow. I totally relate to your post. Know that you are not alone. It can really shake us up to realize something that is terrible, and know that we can't "unknow" it. But I remind myself that the truth was there all along, whether I saw it or not. Somehow, some way, the truth is meant to set us free. Every time my illusions about my spouse are shattered, I find the reality of my loving God becomes clearer. Bless you, friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog, and I must say this is a very powerful post. I pray that you are doing well in your new home and new life. Keep coming back it (AlAnon) works if you work it.
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