An inventory allows me to gain a better grasp of who I am, what motivates me, and how I deal with the world. When I do a Fourth Step, I am taking myself into my own hands - taking responsibility for my own behavior, thinking, and choices.
I was thinking today, about realisations regarding myself, that I've had over the time I've been in Al-Anon. Some have been startling, like a book slapped down on the table in front of me - they make me jump and gasp - "Oh, my goodness! I had never thought about it that way before!"
Others remind me of the laborious removal of a particularly stubborn price sticker - one begins the process by getting a tiny corner lifted, and then slowly pulls bits off, one tiny piece at a time. Some come off cleanly, leaving a nice smooth new surface. Some, only the top layer comes off, the sticky residue remains, and then I have to find something to dissolve the "glue" which binds that piece of my old self to me.
I have days where I can spend an appreciable amount of time in the process, feeling calm, relaxed and patient, knowing that what I'm doing is worthwhile, and the end result is to be desired.
I also have days where I pull off a tiny fragment and then put it down in irritated annoyance and disgust - leave it alone for the time being, I'm not in the mood today.
The trick is to forgive myself for my lack of interest or patience on the latter days - not to berate myself for not wanting to spend time on the process. Yes, I do want to be ever moving forward in my recovery, but nobody is standing over me with a stopwatch counting the time off. (Well, life itself is, but that's a given.)
I have a sponsee for whom the fourth step isn't a huge priority at the moment. I am letting him coast because I can do nothing to force him or anyone to work the steps. I am glad that I was willing and ready.
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