Manipulation, and Motives.

I've written before about trying to let go of the outcome in painting - trying to reach a headspace in which I bypass my ego, and all the little nattering voices in my head, which, with their endless critical yammering, render me almost immobile. I've decided that a good way to get there, is to stop doing a drawing first. That drawing, which I was originally thinking of in terms of a blueprint, was becoming more of a straitjacket. Rules about "how to paint," whether my rules, or someones else's, interfere with my enjoyment.
(I'm a great person for making rules for myself - of course, I then don't follow them, and feel guilty, but that's for another post entirely.)

In working my Step Four this time, I'm seeing in painful clarity that which has been creeping up on me for the last year or so. I cannot deny, defend, rationalise or pretend any longer. It is what it is, and I either make some choices for change now, or I feel as though I will be quietly consumed.

This isn't my first starkly unpleasant realisation, and I do not doubt there will more to come if I live long enough. I'm writing, reading, thinking, praying, talking, praying some more, railing against it, sighing, feeling martyred, writing another few pages, and then putting it down, turning it over, and letting it go for the day. I'm working to be open to, and willing about, the clarity I'm receiving - attempting to view it as a gift, rather than the burden it feels.

I was talking to a friend today about going with our gut instinct - we get those messages for a reason, they aren't just static in the universe. We get a clear message that "this is not ok," and we either listen, and act accordingly, or we deny deny deny, and wade out into the water while telling ourselves that those fins out there aren't really fins, they're coral outcroppings..