Sunday, June 6, 2010

Manipulation, and Motives.

I've written before about trying to let go of the outcome in painting - trying to reach a headspace in which I bypass my ego, and all the little nattering voices in my head, which, with their endless critical yammering, render me almost immobile. I've decided that a good way to get there, is to stop doing a drawing first. That drawing, which I was originally thinking of in terms of a blueprint, was becoming more of a straitjacket. Rules about "how to paint," whether my rules, or someones else's, interfere with my enjoyment.
(I'm a great person for making rules for myself - of course, I then don't follow them, and feel guilty, but that's for another post entirely.)

In working my Step Four this time, I'm seeing in painful clarity that which has been creeping up on me for the last year or so. I cannot deny, defend, rationalise or pretend any longer. It is what it is, and I either make some choices for change now, or I feel as though I will be quietly consumed.

This isn't my first starkly unpleasant realisation, and I do not doubt there will more to come if I live long enough. I'm writing, reading, thinking, praying, talking, praying some more, railing against it, sighing, feeling martyred, writing another few pages, and then putting it down, turning it over, and letting it go for the day. I'm working to be open to, and willing about, the clarity I'm receiving - attempting to view it as a gift, rather than the burden it feels.

I was talking to a friend today about going with our gut instinct - we get those messages for a reason, they aren't just static in the universe. We get a clear message that "this is not ok," and we either listen, and act accordingly, or we deny deny deny, and wade out into the water while telling ourselves that those fins out there aren't really fins, they're coral outcroppings..


  1. The last paragraph is really powerful.
    I'm internalizing it (whether I should or not).

    There are fins around me that I like to pretend are kind and gentle porpoise...rather than the sharks that they probably are.

    What to do, though? Tap them on the shoulder and confirm?

  2. Doing my 4th for the 1st time. Trying to be slow and deliberate, but not over-think and obsess. Seems to be against all my old instincts. It is an exercise! Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope!

  3. When my sponsor suggested I might have control issues, my mouth dropped open, I got a bit defensive and told her, "If you think I'm controlling, you need to meet my mother." I said it in all seriousness. I was aghast that she had labeled me as controlling. With a dent in my pride, I went home and wrestled with it. She was 100% correct and I learned a bit about humility that day. I can laugh at myself now but boy oh boy did I pitch an internal hissy fit that day. Don't forget to laugh...we take ourselves much too seriously at times...::hugs::


  4. Compelling last paragraph. Nice to realize that denial is present to some extent in all those with chronic diseases and their loved ones.


  5. I do listen to my gut and pay attention because it usually means something important. I used to choose to ignore those warning signs before program.