One lesson I learned when young, was that if I had several tasks to perform, to do the one I wanted to do least, first. That way, it was finished, wasn't looming over me casting a long shadow, and everything that came after it felt easy by comparison. ( I always clean the bathroom first.)
I was explaining this to a sponsee, and she brought me up short by exclaiming, "I wouldn't have the self-discipline to do that!" I had to stop to consider - was it self-discipline? I suppose it is, although I think of it more as having found a way that works for me.
We then had a spirited discussion on labelling, and the different feelings which arose when considering "self-discipline" as opposed to "what works for me." She got really excited as she got a glimpse of the possibilities ahead, if she were to just change the way she labels her life. For her, "self-discipline" felt heavy and guilt-producing; "what works for me" felt light and powerful.
She said to me, hands waving, "I'm having one of those things you talk about, those things! You know what I mean, what are they, oh, why can't I remember?"
I asked, "Startling revelations?"
"Yes!" She sat back in her chair, satisfied, and beamed at me. I beamed back.
She said, "I've wanted one of my own, since the first time I heard you use that term."
I laughed, because that's how it seems to go in sponsorship. It's never the things upon which I pontificate, which make the connection for someone, it's the chance comment, the offhand remark.
"God is his own interpreter, and he will make it plain."
William Cowper
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Perspective In Maturity.
An Al-Anon member reminded me of a joking comment made by a mutual program friend ... he'd sighed heavily, and stated ruefully, that he'd come to the understanding that he wasn't the center of the universe. The rest of us at the table burst into laughter, but most could relate. When new to program, we may feel as though our feelings matter more than anything else around us.
Perhaps we believe that the strength of our feelings should cause people to treat us differently, make allowances, change a long-held policy or tradition. We may have been in pain for so long, that we don't know any other way to operate apart from using our feelings as a starting point for all of our decisions, justifying our behavior with our feelings.
We feel what we feel...
... and that's as far as it goes.
That feeling needs to begin, and end, with us. A feeling does not give us the right to demand change from someone else. It does not justify childish, manipulative or
vindictive behavior.
I speak from experience; I used my abusive childhood both as a shield, and a spear. I heard an AA member say something at an open meeting which stayed with me. He said that no-one cares what kind of misery we may have undergone then; what they care about, is whether or not we're a kind and loving person now. I couldn't shake that remark; it leapt into memory when my feelings were roused and I was about to behave unkindly.
I slowly, over time and practise of the Al-Anon program, began to understand that while I could live the rest of my life carrying that same rage and fear, I also had the option to let it go. How did I let it go? The same way we let anything go - by deciding to open my hand, relax my grasp, and let it fall away.
In program, I have learned that I have the right to my feelings. I've also learned that using my feelings as markers is not the best way to operate, since my feelings aren't always stimulated by the higher parts of my being. Sometimes they are the lizard brain, or the inner child demanding to be heard. I don't want to be a three-year-old all my life, I want to mature and grow. That means that oftentimes I need to feel my feeling, and then let it pass before I take any action - speak, write, or whatever the feeling is telling me to do. I can feel my feeling, observe that I'm feeling my feeling, and then share it with another member.
Not recite the way in which I arrived at that feeling: "I said this, and he/she said that, and then I said.." but share the feeling: "I'm feeling angry/lonely/frustrated/hurt."
Or recognise my feeling, and decide that it's all very interesting, but not worth verbalising, since if I am truly honest with myself, I can see that this is my inner three year old speaking. It's not the best idea, to let small children give me life advice. Before Al-Anon, I allowed my inner child to tell me what to say and do, because she was in a rage, or furious with hurt and pain, and wanted to have a temper tantrum to release the feeling.
We label certain behaviors "childish" because they are most often demonstrated by those young in years. When we have many years under our belt, and still act in that way, we have a problem. And we are a problem, to those who must deal with us.
I feel what I feel. That's fine; I let that happen, but I do it quietly, and without a lot of fanfare nowadays. If after a few day's contemplation I still feel strongly, and I can honestly say that I am not trying to change something or someone, I may speak up. I try to refrain from splashing my feeling about with much noise and drama.
Maturity has various components - mental, emotional, behavioural. That same AA guy I mentioned earlier, said something else that stayed with me. He said, "It's so hard!" is not a reason, excuse or justification. It's hard for all of us. It's just as hard for the person who has to put up with you, and your shortcomings. Think about that next time you start feeling sorry for yourself."
Perhaps we believe that the strength of our feelings should cause people to treat us differently, make allowances, change a long-held policy or tradition. We may have been in pain for so long, that we don't know any other way to operate apart from using our feelings as a starting point for all of our decisions, justifying our behavior with our feelings.
We feel what we feel...
... and that's as far as it goes.
That feeling needs to begin, and end, with us. A feeling does not give us the right to demand change from someone else. It does not justify childish, manipulative or
vindictive behavior.
I speak from experience; I used my abusive childhood both as a shield, and a spear. I heard an AA member say something at an open meeting which stayed with me. He said that no-one cares what kind of misery we may have undergone then; what they care about, is whether or not we're a kind and loving person now. I couldn't shake that remark; it leapt into memory when my feelings were roused and I was about to behave unkindly.
I slowly, over time and practise of the Al-Anon program, began to understand that while I could live the rest of my life carrying that same rage and fear, I also had the option to let it go. How did I let it go? The same way we let anything go - by deciding to open my hand, relax my grasp, and let it fall away.
In program, I have learned that I have the right to my feelings. I've also learned that using my feelings as markers is not the best way to operate, since my feelings aren't always stimulated by the higher parts of my being. Sometimes they are the lizard brain, or the inner child demanding to be heard. I don't want to be a three-year-old all my life, I want to mature and grow. That means that oftentimes I need to feel my feeling, and then let it pass before I take any action - speak, write, or whatever the feeling is telling me to do. I can feel my feeling, observe that I'm feeling my feeling, and then share it with another member.
Not recite the way in which I arrived at that feeling: "I said this, and he/she said that, and then I said.." but share the feeling: "I'm feeling angry/lonely/frustrated/hurt."
Or recognise my feeling, and decide that it's all very interesting, but not worth verbalising, since if I am truly honest with myself, I can see that this is my inner three year old speaking. It's not the best idea, to let small children give me life advice. Before Al-Anon, I allowed my inner child to tell me what to say and do, because she was in a rage, or furious with hurt and pain, and wanted to have a temper tantrum to release the feeling.
We label certain behaviors "childish" because they are most often demonstrated by those young in years. When we have many years under our belt, and still act in that way, we have a problem. And we are a problem, to those who must deal with us.
I feel what I feel. That's fine; I let that happen, but I do it quietly, and without a lot of fanfare nowadays. If after a few day's contemplation I still feel strongly, and I can honestly say that I am not trying to change something or someone, I may speak up. I try to refrain from splashing my feeling about with much noise and drama.
Maturity has various components - mental, emotional, behavioural. That same AA guy I mentioned earlier, said something else that stayed with me. He said, "It's so hard!" is not a reason, excuse or justification. It's hard for all of us. It's just as hard for the person who has to put up with you, and your shortcomings. Think about that next time you start feeling sorry for yourself."
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Question
"Al-Anon talks about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. When I'm doing that "same thing," I really really believe it will turn out differently - how do I get past that blind spot?"
I have learned that I can have habits and patterns of thinking, which may seem to me quite reasonable, but which, when brought out into the light of day and discussed with another human being, sound rather deranged, in their denial of reality and experience.
It's all very well to have hope, and a positive attitude. For me, it was not that so much, as it was stubborn determination to achieve a desired result. This is where working the Steps with a sponsor can be so useful. A sponsor can help us to realise when we are not being honest with ourselves. A sponsor can act as a touchstone of grounded serenity. An Al-Anon friend jokes that she started to change her behavior, not because she thought she should, or believed that she was in the wrong, mistaken or misguided, but because she couldn't stand having to discuss it with her sponsor afterwards.
I happen to believe that for most of us, we will keep on doing what we are doing until we're ready to stop; until then, nothing changes because nothing changes. We will find reasons dazzling in their complexity, with which to justify this fact of life. We aren't ready to change, because we haven't had enough yet. That is impossible to explain or understand, if you don't happen to have that kind of co-dependent thinking.
In a car, the side mirrors can be set in such a way as to remove the "blind spot" - Al-Anon has helped me to reset my thinking, so as to see more clearly the ways in which my attitudes and emotions caused me strife and frustration - to remove my blind spot.
"Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged must end in disappointment."
Samuel Johnson
Wise man, Samuel; he figured out for himself, what I had to attend 12-Step to learn.
My suggestion to you, is to get a sponsor if you don't yet have one, and since you already have an idea of where your "blind spot" is, talk it out with other Al-Anon members and your sponsor. Work the Steps. Surrender all of it, blind spot included, and turn it over. Ask your Higher Power for help.
I have learned that I can have habits and patterns of thinking, which may seem to me quite reasonable, but which, when brought out into the light of day and discussed with another human being, sound rather deranged, in their denial of reality and experience.
It's all very well to have hope, and a positive attitude. For me, it was not that so much, as it was stubborn determination to achieve a desired result. This is where working the Steps with a sponsor can be so useful. A sponsor can help us to realise when we are not being honest with ourselves. A sponsor can act as a touchstone of grounded serenity. An Al-Anon friend jokes that she started to change her behavior, not because she thought she should, or believed that she was in the wrong, mistaken or misguided, but because she couldn't stand having to discuss it with her sponsor afterwards.
I happen to believe that for most of us, we will keep on doing what we are doing until we're ready to stop; until then, nothing changes because nothing changes. We will find reasons dazzling in their complexity, with which to justify this fact of life. We aren't ready to change, because we haven't had enough yet. That is impossible to explain or understand, if you don't happen to have that kind of co-dependent thinking.
In a car, the side mirrors can be set in such a way as to remove the "blind spot" - Al-Anon has helped me to reset my thinking, so as to see more clearly the ways in which my attitudes and emotions caused me strife and frustration - to remove my blind spot.
"Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged must end in disappointment."
Samuel Johnson
Wise man, Samuel; he figured out for himself, what I had to attend 12-Step to learn.
My suggestion to you, is to get a sponsor if you don't yet have one, and since you already have an idea of where your "blind spot" is, talk it out with other Al-Anon members and your sponsor. Work the Steps. Surrender all of it, blind spot included, and turn it over. Ask your Higher Power for help.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
If You Don't Swim, You'll Just Float.
Someone asked if I could please elaborate upon my remark yesterday that I seem to be hearing a lot lately from people who don't work the program, and say they "don't get much out of it."
Nobody would go out into their yard, start to dig a bit, clear perhaps a foot or two of sod down to the bare soil, then put down their tools, sit down in despair, and say they don't get anything from gardening. We can all see how silly that would be.
Yet this is what happens with 12-Step. People clear a bit of grass, get down to some dirt, then sit down, give up, and say they "don't get much out of Al-Anon." (Or AA, or any other program.) Or they come into 12-Step from a place of desperation, and do work the program at first, until they start to feel better, and that's where they stop. And rest. That rest can go on for years, until the parts are rusted together, and it takes monumental effort to unseize the brain.
I had one sponsee ask why she was so stuck, when another person who'd come to Al-Anon a month or so after she had, and whom she wasn't aware I sponsored, was moving in leaps and bounds? "Why?" she wailed to me, "I just don't get it!"
Why? Because she had never surrendered, never admitted her powerlessness or insanity - she was determined to be a victim, and any suggestion that she wasn't, or that she work to change herself, met with a fierce resentful resistance: "Why should I? It's not fair!"
Damn right it isn't. Let's move on, shall we?
I need to do regular digging and weeding, or my plot of self can quickly become choked with the buttercup of resentment strangling my newer, less-established plantings. I need to be going out every day and doing an inventory, or nature will take over - untended gardens revert to the wild. I don't want to have to start all over from the beginning.
I'm going out to the garden, are you coming? No, you're going to watch from here? Ok, but don't complain when a month from now, you can't tell you'd ever started to dig.
Forgive the analogy, but that's how it is - you don't get the result without the effort. Stop doing the work, or never begin, and you won't get anything but more of what you have now - packets of seeds, and a vague intention.
One place we lived, we had a neighbour who used to walk past our front garden, and stop to sigh, "I wish my garden looked like this." Finally, my husband could bear it no longer, and replied with a smile, "It could, if you put in the time and exertion that my wife does."
Nobody would go out into their yard, start to dig a bit, clear perhaps a foot or two of sod down to the bare soil, then put down their tools, sit down in despair, and say they don't get anything from gardening. We can all see how silly that would be.
Yet this is what happens with 12-Step. People clear a bit of grass, get down to some dirt, then sit down, give up, and say they "don't get much out of Al-Anon." (Or AA, or any other program.) Or they come into 12-Step from a place of desperation, and do work the program at first, until they start to feel better, and that's where they stop. And rest. That rest can go on for years, until the parts are rusted together, and it takes monumental effort to unseize the brain.
I had one sponsee ask why she was so stuck, when another person who'd come to Al-Anon a month or so after she had, and whom she wasn't aware I sponsored, was moving in leaps and bounds? "Why?" she wailed to me, "I just don't get it!"
Why? Because she had never surrendered, never admitted her powerlessness or insanity - she was determined to be a victim, and any suggestion that she wasn't, or that she work to change herself, met with a fierce resentful resistance: "Why should I? It's not fair!"
Damn right it isn't. Let's move on, shall we?
I need to do regular digging and weeding, or my plot of self can quickly become choked with the buttercup of resentment strangling my newer, less-established plantings. I need to be going out every day and doing an inventory, or nature will take over - untended gardens revert to the wild. I don't want to have to start all over from the beginning.
I'm going out to the garden, are you coming? No, you're going to watch from here? Ok, but don't complain when a month from now, you can't tell you'd ever started to dig.
Forgive the analogy, but that's how it is - you don't get the result without the effort. Stop doing the work, or never begin, and you won't get anything but more of what you have now - packets of seeds, and a vague intention.
One place we lived, we had a neighbour who used to walk past our front garden, and stop to sigh, "I wish my garden looked like this." Finally, my husband could bear it no longer, and replied with a smile, "It could, if you put in the time and exertion that my wife does."
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Goose Footsteps.
Yesterday, while out and about, I met up with someone I haven't seen in perhaps ten years. We stood on the street and talked for a bit.
It was a peach of a day - sunny and warm, with a slight refreshing breeze. The rhododendrons are out in full glory this time of year; a 15'x10' bush completely covered in those incredible blossoms is a spectacular sight, and never fails to move me to awe.
Within a few minutes of this lady and I starting to talk, she was ranting angrily about the man she divorced ten years ago - him, his family, his children. I tried several times to change the subject to something positive, but she wasn't interested.
A wave of sadness washed through me, as I realised that she was stuck in the same place in which she'd been stuck when I first knew her all those years ago. She was still clutching her righteous anger, keeping it stoked to full burn as she remembered every slight, real or imagined. I recalled that she'd been unwilling to let any of it go back then, and she was still unwilling.
She said, at one point, that she wasn't getting much out of 12-Step anymore - I keep hearing this lately, from people who don't work the program, and wonder why it doesn't help them the way it helps others.
I interrupted to say that I needed to be going, and we said our goodbyes. When I began to walk again, I had one of those powerful "gratitude shudders," because I was just that way, when I was new to Al-Anon - full of rage and suspicion, unable to let go of anything that had ever happened to hurt me, desperate in my loneliness. Had I not embraced this program in its entirety, that is who I would still be.
I feel as though I had a narrow escape.
I cannot thank my family doctor enough for continuing to suggest Al-Anon until I finally heard him, and tried it. I feel a deep gratitude for the ladies in my first meeting, who were so warm, loving, and welcoming. I'm grateful to my first and succeeding sponsors, and all of those who have offered me their "experience, strength and hope." Bless you all, and I thank you wholeheartedly.
It was a peach of a day - sunny and warm, with a slight refreshing breeze. The rhododendrons are out in full glory this time of year; a 15'x10' bush completely covered in those incredible blossoms is a spectacular sight, and never fails to move me to awe.
Within a few minutes of this lady and I starting to talk, she was ranting angrily about the man she divorced ten years ago - him, his family, his children. I tried several times to change the subject to something positive, but she wasn't interested.
A wave of sadness washed through me, as I realised that she was stuck in the same place in which she'd been stuck when I first knew her all those years ago. She was still clutching her righteous anger, keeping it stoked to full burn as she remembered every slight, real or imagined. I recalled that she'd been unwilling to let any of it go back then, and she was still unwilling.
She said, at one point, that she wasn't getting much out of 12-Step anymore - I keep hearing this lately, from people who don't work the program, and wonder why it doesn't help them the way it helps others.
I interrupted to say that I needed to be going, and we said our goodbyes. When I began to walk again, I had one of those powerful "gratitude shudders," because I was just that way, when I was new to Al-Anon - full of rage and suspicion, unable to let go of anything that had ever happened to hurt me, desperate in my loneliness. Had I not embraced this program in its entirety, that is who I would still be.
I feel as though I had a narrow escape.
I cannot thank my family doctor enough for continuing to suggest Al-Anon until I finally heard him, and tried it. I feel a deep gratitude for the ladies in my first meeting, who were so warm, loving, and welcoming. I'm grateful to my first and succeeding sponsors, and all of those who have offered me their "experience, strength and hope." Bless you all, and I thank you wholeheartedly.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Practise Makes Better - Perfect Isn't Achievable.
One of the delights of 12-Step, is to watch the growth of a person who is sincerely trying to work this program. Most people coast for a while when they first start attending meetings, because they have a period of what is simply, relief:
a heavy-sighing plonking down of the burden of self into a chair, and the willingness to listen.
Some go so far, and no further, and that works for them. It wouldn't and didn't work for me, but I was very tangled and twisted in my thinking, and a seething mess of resentment, anger and pain. When I began to understand that were I to truly put in the effort, I could achieve a peace of mind unimaginable to me then, it opened a vein of longing within me. I became willing to do whatever it took to get there.
I'm not suggesting that I was willing each and every moment of each and every day, because that's just not true; I had (and still have) times when I was/am practising my program more from custom than inclination, and my feelings were/are not the pure and lovely creatures I might wish them to be. But habit being a powerful thing indeed, I do the Al-Anon thing instead of the other, and the results are the same either way.
I may be letting go and letting God only because it has become a habit to do so in this sort of instance, and I may not be able to achieve unmixed willingness until my feelings have subsided a bit, but really, isn't that the point of all our work? To make these healthy choices our familiar way of doing things?
a heavy-sighing plonking down of the burden of self into a chair, and the willingness to listen.
Some go so far, and no further, and that works for them. It wouldn't and didn't work for me, but I was very tangled and twisted in my thinking, and a seething mess of resentment, anger and pain. When I began to understand that were I to truly put in the effort, I could achieve a peace of mind unimaginable to me then, it opened a vein of longing within me. I became willing to do whatever it took to get there.
I'm not suggesting that I was willing each and every moment of each and every day, because that's just not true; I had (and still have) times when I was/am practising my program more from custom than inclination, and my feelings were/are not the pure and lovely creatures I might wish them to be. But habit being a powerful thing indeed, I do the Al-Anon thing instead of the other, and the results are the same either way.
I may be letting go and letting God only because it has become a habit to do so in this sort of instance, and I may not be able to achieve unmixed willingness until my feelings have subsided a bit, but really, isn't that the point of all our work? To make these healthy choices our familiar way of doing things?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Provocation - An Opportunity To Work My Program
Some days, the only thing that works, is to fall silent, stay that way, and recite the Serenity Prayer to myself, until such time as I can escape from the company of a person trying to pick a fight with me.
I don't have to know why they are feeling argumentative or trying to provoke me; that's not my business, or my problem. My part of it, is to behave in a way that I can respect, and remember, without cringing or regretting. For me, that usually means to keep my mouth firmly closed.
It's a disease, and it has a myriad of effects upon a person. I don't need to spend time trying to decipher the meaning of their words or their behavior; I don't have to defend, protest, argue.
I can ask for guidance and Let It Go.
We're having some gloriously sunny warm weather, and that makes me happy. I get up each morning and go out to examine my garden to see how it's progressing.
"Earth laughs in flowers."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I don't have to know why they are feeling argumentative or trying to provoke me; that's not my business, or my problem. My part of it, is to behave in a way that I can respect, and remember, without cringing or regretting. For me, that usually means to keep my mouth firmly closed.
It's a disease, and it has a myriad of effects upon a person. I don't need to spend time trying to decipher the meaning of their words or their behavior; I don't have to defend, protest, argue.
I can ask for guidance and Let It Go.
We're having some gloriously sunny warm weather, and that makes me happy. I get up each morning and go out to examine my garden to see how it's progressing.
"Earth laughs in flowers."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
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