Rigidity Of Thought.

I had an experience recently, in which I was confronted with the fact that I am still, even after many years in program, able to get caught up in rigidity of thinking. I think I am bendable, but then an occasion will arise, and (always only in retrospect, of course) I will see afterwards, that I've done it again.

I'd prefer to view this character trait as I did before Al-Anon, as "having exacting standards," and "wanting precision in all things" but the reality is far more along the lines of "being inflexible because of an underlying belief that I'm right."

When I follow the thought process to its conclusion, I can see that the road originates, as so many of them do, in fear. I have a fear that if I don't express my (unsolicited) opinion, I may lose something I value greatly, through watching it be slowly watered down or changed, while I sit and say nothing.

And since I'm trying to speak up more, I can get carried away, and start giving my opinion about something that is none of my business, which is what I've done recently.

So then, it's back to working the Steps, practise Step Ten:
"Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

I'm so grateful for this Step - it keeps me clear that I will always be being wrong, and that I need to admit it, make an amend, and do these two things in a timely manner.

I have no control over whether or not my amend is accepted,  but if I am sincere in making it, and state my apology in no uncertain terms, with an explanation of how I believe I went wrong - that's all I can do.

I can't go back in time and make my wrong not happen, but I can learn from this one, so that I'm more careful and thoughtful in the same situation next time, and I can make an amend for this one.

Discussions of Religion.

Syd posted a comment regarding this post, mentioning the Lord's prayer being said at the end of Al-Anon meetings - I've never experienced this - any meeting I've been to, closes with the Serenity Prayer.  So, that's interesting, must be a cultural thing, I guess.
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From the Al-Anon pamplet: 3 OBSTACLES TO SUCCESS IN AL-ANON.

"All Al-Anon discussions should be constructive, helpful, loving and understanding. In striving toward these ideals, we avoid topics that can lead to dissension and distract us from our goals.

1. DISCUSSIONS OF RELIGION.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect or denomination. It is a spiritual program, based on no particular form of religion. Everyone is welcome, no matter of what affiliation or none. Let us not defeat our purpose by entering into discussions concerning specific religious tenets."
 
When I was very new to Al-Anon, I was grateful for that aspect of the fellowship, because I believed myself to be a confirmed aetheist, and  talk of anything religious made me clench my teeth and stop listening. I did NOT want to hear it. I'd had sufficient organised religion stuffed down my throat as a child, that I felt I'd reached my earthly limit, and couldn't swallow another morsel.
 
I still feel gratitude for this tradition, but my reasons couldn't be more dissimilar. My spiritual beliefs have changed considerably over my time in program, so now it isn't that I don't want to listen to any "Higher Power talk," it's that I have a far deeper understanding of the wisdom of this tradition/policy/suggestion/guideline - call it what you will.
 
I've seen two individuals who might have been of great help and comfort to one another, divided by their religious beliefs - they didn't respect this Al-Anon guideline, and were soon engaged in heated discussions in which the words "sinner"  "misguided" "one true way" and "deluded" were bandied about. From a possible source of support and encouragement, the relationship became a maelstrom of acrimony.
 
They went from always arriving at the meetings in the same car, to refusing to attend any meeting at which they thought the other might be present. 
 
I've had to set a boundary on this issue with several relative newcomers to Al-Anon over the years I've been in program; some have respected it first time, and some have not. 
 
One of my main beliefs regarding this issue has to do with organised religion's unfortunate habit of choosing to see their members as the only ones who have "Seen the Light."
People who do not believe as they do, are regarded as anything from a poor misguided soul who just needs to be told "the truth," to serious sinners on a road hellbent to destruction.
 
If I regard myself as in possession of "the truth," and you as either misguided, or flat-out sinning wrong, what possible equality can there be for the two of us, in Al-Anon?
 
Can I learn from you if I regard you only through that lens? What is the likelihood that I will be offering you "welcome and comfort," and giving the alcoholic "understanding and encouragement?"
 
12 Step doesn't work very well if one person sees themselves as superior in any way, to another member of our fellowship. The equality we practise, the "feelings we have for you," are only possible if we see ourselves as two peas in the earthly pod.

Mouths of Babes

A program friend and I were out walking the dogs recently, and passed a family in which a small girl was hopping up a set of stairs, repeatedly reciting the following in that sing-song way kids have:

"You get what you get, and you don't get upset!"

My friend and I turned to each other and laughed, saying it could be a new Al-Anon slogan.

So much of my past misery has been because I couldn't accept what I "got", and I was furiously upset about it. I raged and stormed about my life, and I fought and struggled and kicked against my fate. (I rarely use that word, because it always sounds like it should be accompanied by dramatic music.)

When I was new to program, and people would speak of acceptance, I thought they were either barking mad, or didn't have as an unhappy a home life as I did. Because if they did, they wouldn't be telling me to accept it - on the contrary, they'd be falling all over themselves telling me what a martyr I was, and asking how I managed so well.

Right.

I got what I got, and then spent the next nine years seething with futile resentment. I can see how far I've come in program, by the looks I received the other day when asked to agree that people who believed in ____ were boneheads, by a fellow member of a club to which I belong. I replied that I try to live my life, and let other people live theirs. I don't feel the need to make other people adopt my way of living, and I don't tell people what they should and shouldn't be doing. If it doesn't negatively impact me, then it's none of my business.

You get what you get, and you don't get upset.

I like that, it's a good mantra. Maybe I should write and see if I can get it accepted as CAL.

And, Which Personality Am I Speaking To At The Moment?

I was talking to a friend yesterday about something that has come up a few times lately - does a friend or lover or family member's behavior towards us change when a third person is around? (Out in public, etc) This can go either way, nicer to us, or ruder, but it's the change itself that is the important thing to recognise and identify.

I've been on the receiving end of both of those behaviors in my life, and having "ruder" first, was under the mistaken impression that "nicer" was different, or better.

It's nothing of the kind; they are two sides of the same coin.

Either way, there is falseness in the relationship.

Either way, there is something happening which isn't healthy. My first husband liked to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me in public - showing off how tough he was -  he could treat his wife like dog poop, and get away with it. (He didn't always get away with it, he once received a beating from a total stranger, who took offense to the words he was using to describe me, and pounded him into an apology.)

In retrospect, I find it hard to believe that I tolerated that behavior, but I've come a long way from the childhood which set me up to accept that sort of thing, as "just the way life and people treated me."

I've also experienced a relationship in which the person was nicer to me in public than in private - so that other people thought this person incredibly charming, and me incredibly fortunate to be with them - that's a wierd place to be, let me tell you.

There is nothing quite so guaranteed to make one feel as if one is deep in the midst of a Fellini movie, than to be in this sort of relationship. Most other people, (unless they've been in one themselves,) refuse to believe that this beguiling, marvellous person they like so much, could be being abusive behind closed doors. One gets strange looks, as they try to fit this information into the slot labelled "charming, kind, wonderful person named _____,"  and then, when it won't go in, discard it completely, and decide the person giving them the information must just be an ungrateful whiner, or much worse - barking mad.

One can be living with quite the disconnect between the public self, and the private self, when one's partner is this way. We can begin to doubt the information we are receiving from our own senses, and start trying to bend and twist ourselves to fit into the shape the abuser insists would cause the abuse to stop.

It can be a stunner when we realise - hey, wait a minute here, this has nothing to do with me, this is all about them.

That realisation can be the beginning of change and growth, if we are brave enough to grasp onto it with one hand, put our other hand into the outstretched hand of our Higher Power, and allow ourselves to be pulled from the pit, up into the sunshine.

It's a choice. (Maddening program this, always yarping off about how everything is a choice, but it is. There you are. Accept it or don't, that's a choice, too. I've made that choice many times.)

I choose freedom. I choose sunshine, even when it's so bright it makes me blink, my eyes water, and my head hurt. I know from experience, and the experience, strength and hope of my friends in Al-Anon, that if I just stand my ground, and keep blinking, my pupils will contract enough to allow clearer vision, and then I will be able to see life in its full beauty and wonder. I'll be able to view myself the same way - as a creature of beauty and wonder, lovable, and deserving of good treatment, just because I exist.

Live and Let Live.

Heard today, while out at the dahlia show:

"He says he wants to be my boyfriend, but he doesn't seem to like anything about me!"

Hearing that remark took me back - to my first marriage. We were engaged in a furious power struggle, each to change the other. I wanted him to: stop drinking. Oh, and change the way he dressed. And help with the kids when they came to visit, they were his kids, after all, not mine. Be nicer to me in public and private. Stop drinking. Change his attitudes towards _____ to a more accepting one. Be less aggressive in his discussions with friends. Stop having a dozen friends over for a party every night...it went on and on, my list of what I didn't like about his choices, attitudes, and characteristics.

At the time, I had no concept of how difficult it must be, to live with a spouse who was so unaccepting. My ex must have continually felt that he couldn't win - no matter what he did, I'd find something to criticise. Not only that, but I felt justified in my negative assessments of him.

Al-Anon teaches me that I do not have to agree with anyone about anything in order to give them a warm and courteous reception. I can disagree with their politics, their child-rearing, their dog-training, their taste in books, movies, music, and they can still teach me. They can still offer me priceless bits of wisdom, if I care to hear and recognise that.

I can work to rise above my own prejudices and tastes, to allow another person to live their lives as they see fit, with no interference from me, either in the form of "helpful advice" or "constructive criticism."

I pray to be always moving towards that goal of loving acceptance.

Assumptions.

I've been on the receiving end of some interesting assumptions lately; in the one instance, when the person's assumption was politely challenged, they flipped directly over into rudeness and verbal attack.

Rudeness from strangers is shocking - it takes a moment to process the situation, when I've made a calm and reasonable comment, and received rudeness in reply. I found myself standing with my mind blank for a second or two - and then had a momentary flash of how fortunate I am, not to have to deal with this on a daily basis anymore.

My first husband was exceedingly rude, and during the time I lived with him, I slowly became accustomed to his attacks upon my personhood - they lost their shock value, and became the norm.

When I began to work my Al-Anon program, I began to stand up for myself against these attacks, calmly stating that I wasn't going to stay and listen, if he didn't speak to me without yelling, and without rudeness.

I have no control over how anyone else behaves, and there are going to be times in my life when I'm faced with this kind of thing. How do I respond? Do I meet anger with anger, rudeness with rudeness? What would that gain me? A momentary satisfaction, perhaps, but when I tried that tack with my ex, I always felt a distaste for my own choice, once the heat of the moment had passed.

The other assumption made, was by an Al-Anon friend, and when it was explained that this was happening, we had a really interesting and in-depth discussion about how we each do this in our lives - make these assumptions about how someone else is living, how that feels, or what it means.

I need to be extremely careful that I am not doing this to another person. I do not know what life is like, for anyone but myself. When I assume, I'm deciding that my way of looking at the world is the only viewpoint, and this limits my understanding, and my tolerance.

I pray to be open to all ways of looking at life, whether or not they'd work for me.

NOOOO! Don't Pick That Up!

One thing I've noticed, over the years of my relationships with alcoholics, is what masterful manipulators they can be. We start out approaching them because we have something to discuss, and are hoping to have the conversational equivalent of a pleasantly calm drive to a known destination.

We can instead find ourselves, half an hour later, six miles down some gravel sideroad - livid, unable to see our location for the billows of gritty, concealing dust, and almost (or actually) weeping with frustration.

I hated being trapped inside that conversational vehicle, with no control over where we went, how long the trip was, or the speed of travel. I would try everything in my power, to wrest control of the steering wheel during these conversational "drives," and it has never ever worked.

It took my first sponsor to tell me in no uncertain terms that I was putting myself inside that car, and agreeing to go for that drive. She reminded me of a gag we'd seen on tv one time - a ten dollar bill tied to fishing line, and when the victims of the gag would bend over and try to pick the bill up, it would "flutter" just out of reach. Some folks could be led quite a distance in pursuit of that bait of ten dollars.

My sponsor explained to me that I too, was being baited, and I was the only person who could decide that if it looked too good to be true, it most likely was, and that it was my choice to glance down at the bill, reason it out for myself, and choose to keep walking rather than reach for it.

I have recently had another granting of understanding in how my alcoholic works. This has made it possible for the bait, instead of appearing as something I want and perhaps even need, like a ten dollar bill, to look more like a neon sign reading "To activate manipulation, please lift sign."

A lot of what we do with those close to us, is habit. We are accustomed to doing this and such, to which they are accustomed to reacting, by doing that and this. One the pattern is put into motion, it can be almost impossible to stop, without first travelling some distance. I say almost, not completely impossible.

Some days I can see that bait for what it is, and even knowing that, feel compelled to reach for it. Some days I can walk on by. I much prefer the latter, it's a long walk home from that same damn gravel sideroad, back to serenity.