I was talking to a friend yesterday about something that has come up a few times lately - does a friend or lover or family member's behavior towards us change when a third person is around? (Out in public, etc) This can go either way, nicer to us, or ruder, but it's the change itself that is the important thing to recognise and identify.
I've been on the receiving end of both of those behaviors in my life, and having "ruder" first, was under the mistaken impression that "nicer" was different, or better.
It's nothing of the kind; they are two sides of the same coin.
Either way, there is falseness in the relationship.
Either way, there is something happening which isn't healthy. My first husband liked to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me in public - showing off how tough he was - he could treat his wife like dog poop, and get away with it. (He didn't always get away with it, he once received a beating from a total stranger, who took offense to the words he was using to describe me, and pounded him into an apology.)
In retrospect, I find it hard to believe that I tolerated that behavior, but I've come a long way from the childhood which set me up to accept that sort of thing, as "just the way life and people treated me."
I've also experienced a relationship in which the person was nicer to me in public than in private - so that other people thought this person incredibly charming, and me incredibly fortunate to be with them - that's a wierd place to be, let me tell you.
There is nothing quite so guaranteed to make one feel as if one is deep in the midst of a Fellini movie, than to be in this sort of relationship. Most other people, (unless they've been in one themselves,) refuse to believe that this beguiling, marvellous person they like so much, could be being abusive behind closed doors. One gets strange looks, as they try to fit this information into the slot labelled "charming, kind, wonderful person named _____," and then, when it won't go in, discard it completely, and decide the person giving them the information must just be an ungrateful whiner, or much worse - barking mad.
One can be living with quite the disconnect between the public self, and the private self, when one's partner is this way. We can begin to doubt the information we are receiving from our own senses, and start trying to bend and twist ourselves to fit into the shape the abuser insists would cause the abuse to stop.
It can be a stunner when we realise - hey, wait a minute here, this has nothing to do with me, this is all about them.
That realisation can be the beginning of change and growth, if we are brave enough to grasp onto it with one hand, put our other hand into the outstretched hand of our Higher Power, and allow ourselves to be pulled from the pit, up into the sunshine.
It's a choice. (Maddening program this, always yarping off about how everything is a choice, but it is. There you are. Accept it or don't, that's a choice, too. I've made that choice many times.)
I choose freedom. I choose sunshine, even when it's so bright it makes me blink, my eyes water, and my head hurt. I know from experience, and the experience, strength and hope of my friends in Al-Anon, that if I just stand my ground, and keep blinking, my pupils will contract enough to allow clearer vision, and then I will be able to see life in its full beauty and wonder. I'll be able to view myself the same way - as a creature of beauty and wonder, lovable, and deserving of good treatment, just because I exist.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Live and Let Live.
Heard today, while out at the dahlia show:
"He says he wants to be my boyfriend, but he doesn't seem to like anything about me!"
Hearing that remark took me back - to my first marriage. We were engaged in a furious power struggle, each to change the other. I wanted him to: stop drinking. Oh, and change the way he dressed. And help with the kids when they came to visit, they were his kids, after all, not mine. Be nicer to me in public and private. Stop drinking. Change his attitudes towards _____ to a more accepting one. Be less aggressive in his discussions with friends. Stop having a dozen friends over for a party every night...it went on and on, my list of what I didn't like about his choices, attitudes, and characteristics.
At the time, I had no concept of how difficult it must be, to live with a spouse who was so unaccepting. My ex must have continually felt that he couldn't win - no matter what he did, I'd find something to criticise. Not only that, but I felt justified in my negative assessments of him.
Al-Anon teaches me that I do not have to agree with anyone about anything in order to give them a warm and courteous reception. I can disagree with their politics, their child-rearing, their dog-training, their taste in books, movies, music, and they can still teach me. They can still offer me priceless bits of wisdom, if I care to hear and recognise that.
I can work to rise above my own prejudices and tastes, to allow another person to live their lives as they see fit, with no interference from me, either in the form of "helpful advice" or "constructive criticism."
I pray to be always moving towards that goal of loving acceptance.
"He says he wants to be my boyfriend, but he doesn't seem to like anything about me!"
Hearing that remark took me back - to my first marriage. We were engaged in a furious power struggle, each to change the other. I wanted him to: stop drinking. Oh, and change the way he dressed. And help with the kids when they came to visit, they were his kids, after all, not mine. Be nicer to me in public and private. Stop drinking. Change his attitudes towards _____ to a more accepting one. Be less aggressive in his discussions with friends. Stop having a dozen friends over for a party every night...it went on and on, my list of what I didn't like about his choices, attitudes, and characteristics.
At the time, I had no concept of how difficult it must be, to live with a spouse who was so unaccepting. My ex must have continually felt that he couldn't win - no matter what he did, I'd find something to criticise. Not only that, but I felt justified in my negative assessments of him.
Al-Anon teaches me that I do not have to agree with anyone about anything in order to give them a warm and courteous reception. I can disagree with their politics, their child-rearing, their dog-training, their taste in books, movies, music, and they can still teach me. They can still offer me priceless bits of wisdom, if I care to hear and recognise that.
I can work to rise above my own prejudices and tastes, to allow another person to live their lives as they see fit, with no interference from me, either in the form of "helpful advice" or "constructive criticism."
I pray to be always moving towards that goal of loving acceptance.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Assumptions.
I've been on the receiving end of some interesting assumptions lately; in the one instance, when the person's assumption was politely challenged, they flipped directly over into rudeness and verbal attack.
Rudeness from strangers is shocking - it takes a moment to process the situation, when I've made a calm and reasonable comment, and received rudeness in reply. I found myself standing with my mind blank for a second or two - and then had a momentary flash of how fortunate I am, not to have to deal with this on a daily basis anymore.
My first husband was exceedingly rude, and during the time I lived with him, I slowly became accustomed to his attacks upon my personhood - they lost their shock value, and became the norm.
When I began to work my Al-Anon program, I began to stand up for myself against these attacks, calmly stating that I wasn't going to stay and listen, if he didn't speak to me without yelling, and without rudeness.
I have no control over how anyone else behaves, and there are going to be times in my life when I'm faced with this kind of thing. How do I respond? Do I meet anger with anger, rudeness with rudeness? What would that gain me? A momentary satisfaction, perhaps, but when I tried that tack with my ex, I always felt a distaste for my own choice, once the heat of the moment had passed.
The other assumption made, was by an Al-Anon friend, and when it was explained that this was happening, we had a really interesting and in-depth discussion about how we each do this in our lives - make these assumptions about how someone else is living, how that feels, or what it means.
I need to be extremely careful that I am not doing this to another person. I do not know what life is like, for anyone but myself. When I assume, I'm deciding that my way of looking at the world is the only viewpoint, and this limits my understanding, and my tolerance.
I pray to be open to all ways of looking at life, whether or not they'd work for me.
Rudeness from strangers is shocking - it takes a moment to process the situation, when I've made a calm and reasonable comment, and received rudeness in reply. I found myself standing with my mind blank for a second or two - and then had a momentary flash of how fortunate I am, not to have to deal with this on a daily basis anymore.
My first husband was exceedingly rude, and during the time I lived with him, I slowly became accustomed to his attacks upon my personhood - they lost their shock value, and became the norm.
When I began to work my Al-Anon program, I began to stand up for myself against these attacks, calmly stating that I wasn't going to stay and listen, if he didn't speak to me without yelling, and without rudeness.
I have no control over how anyone else behaves, and there are going to be times in my life when I'm faced with this kind of thing. How do I respond? Do I meet anger with anger, rudeness with rudeness? What would that gain me? A momentary satisfaction, perhaps, but when I tried that tack with my ex, I always felt a distaste for my own choice, once the heat of the moment had passed.
The other assumption made, was by an Al-Anon friend, and when it was explained that this was happening, we had a really interesting and in-depth discussion about how we each do this in our lives - make these assumptions about how someone else is living, how that feels, or what it means.
I need to be extremely careful that I am not doing this to another person. I do not know what life is like, for anyone but myself. When I assume, I'm deciding that my way of looking at the world is the only viewpoint, and this limits my understanding, and my tolerance.
I pray to be open to all ways of looking at life, whether or not they'd work for me.
Friday, August 20, 2010
NOOOO! Don't Pick That Up!
One thing I've noticed, over the years of my relationships with alcoholics, is what masterful manipulators they can be. We start out approaching them because we have something to discuss, and are hoping to have the conversational equivalent of a pleasantly calm drive to a known destination.
We can instead find ourselves, half an hour later, six miles down some gravel sideroad - livid, unable to see our location for the billows of gritty, concealing dust, and almost (or actually) weeping with frustration.
I hated being trapped inside that conversational vehicle, with no control over where we went, how long the trip was, or the speed of travel. I would try everything in my power, to wrest control of the steering wheel during these conversational "drives," and it has never ever worked.
It took my first sponsor to tell me in no uncertain terms that I was putting myself inside that car, and agreeing to go for that drive. She reminded me of a gag we'd seen on tv one time - a ten dollar bill tied to fishing line, and when the victims of the gag would bend over and try to pick the bill up, it would "flutter" just out of reach. Some folks could be led quite a distance in pursuit of that bait of ten dollars.
My sponsor explained to me that I too, was being baited, and I was the only person who could decide that if it looked too good to be true, it most likely was, and that it was my choice to glance down at the bill, reason it out for myself, and choose to keep walking rather than reach for it.
I have recently had another granting of understanding in how my alcoholic works. This has made it possible for the bait, instead of appearing as something I want and perhaps even need, like a ten dollar bill, to look more like a neon sign reading "To activate manipulation, please lift sign."
A lot of what we do with those close to us, is habit. We are accustomed to doing this and such, to which they are accustomed to reacting, by doing that and this. One the pattern is put into motion, it can be almost impossible to stop, without first travelling some distance. I say almost, not completely impossible.
Some days I can see that bait for what it is, and even knowing that, feel compelled to reach for it. Some days I can walk on by. I much prefer the latter, it's a long walk home from that same damn gravel sideroad, back to serenity.
We can instead find ourselves, half an hour later, six miles down some gravel sideroad - livid, unable to see our location for the billows of gritty, concealing dust, and almost (or actually) weeping with frustration.
I hated being trapped inside that conversational vehicle, with no control over where we went, how long the trip was, or the speed of travel. I would try everything in my power, to wrest control of the steering wheel during these conversational "drives," and it has never ever worked.
It took my first sponsor to tell me in no uncertain terms that I was putting myself inside that car, and agreeing to go for that drive. She reminded me of a gag we'd seen on tv one time - a ten dollar bill tied to fishing line, and when the victims of the gag would bend over and try to pick the bill up, it would "flutter" just out of reach. Some folks could be led quite a distance in pursuit of that bait of ten dollars.
My sponsor explained to me that I too, was being baited, and I was the only person who could decide that if it looked too good to be true, it most likely was, and that it was my choice to glance down at the bill, reason it out for myself, and choose to keep walking rather than reach for it.
I have recently had another granting of understanding in how my alcoholic works. This has made it possible for the bait, instead of appearing as something I want and perhaps even need, like a ten dollar bill, to look more like a neon sign reading "To activate manipulation, please lift sign."
A lot of what we do with those close to us, is habit. We are accustomed to doing this and such, to which they are accustomed to reacting, by doing that and this. One the pattern is put into motion, it can be almost impossible to stop, without first travelling some distance. I say almost, not completely impossible.
Some days I can see that bait for what it is, and even knowing that, feel compelled to reach for it. Some days I can walk on by. I much prefer the latter, it's a long walk home from that same damn gravel sideroad, back to serenity.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
My Feelings Are Not The Alcoholic's Fault.
I was raised in a very blaming environment - I've written about that elsewhere so won't go into details again - suffice it to say that I promptly internalised this attitude as I moved out into the world.
It wasn't until I entered Al-Anon that I began to dimly perceive that perhaps there was another way to live - a way which didn't include the assignation of blame, before changes could be made.
When I detach, take a step back from the heat of my feelings, I can see that no-one makes me feel anything. They may do A, and then I may feel B, but the two things do not have to follow "as the night the day," if I'm working my program, and have a healthy amount of detachment operating at all times.
When I am blaming another person for the way I feel, the receiver of the line to my Higher Power, is off the hook. The connection is disengaged. I can't get through to Him, and He can't get through to me.
I asked someone to be my sponsor, and she accepted with delight. (Only in 12-Step would someone agree to accept long blathering phone calls detailing the minutae of another person's navel-gazing, and consider it an honor.)
I knew that I'd picked the right person for me, during the very first phone call I made to her.
I was wallowing in some feelings of being hard-done-by at the hands of my significant other, and she heard me out, then made a comment which at one time would have caused me serious offense, but due to the wonders of Al-Anon, and the personal growth I've achieved as a result, now made me burst out laughing.
As soon as I did, the self-pity vanished, and I was able to say to myself, "Okay, now let's get some helpful thinking done here."
I feel what I feel, and that's fine. Not only am I'm entitled to my feelings, but it's of vital importance that I recognise and identify them, because my feelings let me know what's going on, when my head can't quite grasp it yet, due to fatigue, manipulation, whatever.
So I allow my feelings. I give myself permission to feel them to the depth of the container (me) - I even agitate it a bit, through prayer, meditation, and reasoning things out with someone else, to make certain that I'm getting them all out. Then I have a choice about what I do next.
In program, I've learned that I cannot change another person. (If I can't make them wipe the crumbs off the counter, why would I imagine I could make them change their personality, or coping mechanisms?)
I can only change myself. I can choose to remain mired in my misery by railing against fate, the alcoholics in my life, and the wrongs they have done me, as I perceive it. Or, I can choose to do things differently this time, rather than go down that same tired old road. I can choose to see my feelings as an indicator that change is necessary, and work to bring that change about, by working the Steps of Al-Anon.
I can set boundaries, and be willing to maintain them, even when I'm in HALT, even when that little voice of unreason is murmuring, "Oh just this once, it doesn't matter, surely?"
That sneaky little voice is my disease of codependence speaking to me. When it starts up, I need to have a conversation with my sponsor, a program friend, and my Higher Power. I need to do the work required, if I want the result that's promised.
I feel what I feel, that's nobody's fault. I hated that idea when I was new in Al-Anon, because I had no idea how to manage if I wasn't blaming. I can still fall back into blaming if I'm not working my program, and maintaining my healthy boundaries.
It's easier to lie back, weep wail moan and blame, than it is to get myself up and go to a meeting. But I want what the meeting offers: experience, strength, hope, love, and a good laughing fit. I'm willing to let go of blaming, to gain what is only possible when I do so - serenity. Gratitude. I heard someone at a meeting say recently, that she cannot love herself, if she's caught up in hating the alcoholic. I need to hear that kind of powerful insight, those reminders, to keep me balanced, focussed and content.
It wasn't until I entered Al-Anon that I began to dimly perceive that perhaps there was another way to live - a way which didn't include the assignation of blame, before changes could be made.
When I detach, take a step back from the heat of my feelings, I can see that no-one makes me feel anything. They may do A, and then I may feel B, but the two things do not have to follow "as the night the day," if I'm working my program, and have a healthy amount of detachment operating at all times.
When I am blaming another person for the way I feel, the receiver of the line to my Higher Power, is off the hook. The connection is disengaged. I can't get through to Him, and He can't get through to me.
I asked someone to be my sponsor, and she accepted with delight. (Only in 12-Step would someone agree to accept long blathering phone calls detailing the minutae of another person's navel-gazing, and consider it an honor.)
I knew that I'd picked the right person for me, during the very first phone call I made to her.
I was wallowing in some feelings of being hard-done-by at the hands of my significant other, and she heard me out, then made a comment which at one time would have caused me serious offense, but due to the wonders of Al-Anon, and the personal growth I've achieved as a result, now made me burst out laughing.
As soon as I did, the self-pity vanished, and I was able to say to myself, "Okay, now let's get some helpful thinking done here."
I feel what I feel, and that's fine. Not only am I'm entitled to my feelings, but it's of vital importance that I recognise and identify them, because my feelings let me know what's going on, when my head can't quite grasp it yet, due to fatigue, manipulation, whatever.
So I allow my feelings. I give myself permission to feel them to the depth of the container (me) - I even agitate it a bit, through prayer, meditation, and reasoning things out with someone else, to make certain that I'm getting them all out. Then I have a choice about what I do next.
In program, I've learned that I cannot change another person. (If I can't make them wipe the crumbs off the counter, why would I imagine I could make them change their personality, or coping mechanisms?)
I can only change myself. I can choose to remain mired in my misery by railing against fate, the alcoholics in my life, and the wrongs they have done me, as I perceive it. Or, I can choose to do things differently this time, rather than go down that same tired old road. I can choose to see my feelings as an indicator that change is necessary, and work to bring that change about, by working the Steps of Al-Anon.
I can set boundaries, and be willing to maintain them, even when I'm in HALT, even when that little voice of unreason is murmuring, "Oh just this once, it doesn't matter, surely?"
That sneaky little voice is my disease of codependence speaking to me. When it starts up, I need to have a conversation with my sponsor, a program friend, and my Higher Power. I need to do the work required, if I want the result that's promised.
I feel what I feel, that's nobody's fault. I hated that idea when I was new in Al-Anon, because I had no idea how to manage if I wasn't blaming. I can still fall back into blaming if I'm not working my program, and maintaining my healthy boundaries.
It's easier to lie back, weep wail moan and blame, than it is to get myself up and go to a meeting. But I want what the meeting offers: experience, strength, hope, love, and a good laughing fit. I'm willing to let go of blaming, to gain what is only possible when I do so - serenity. Gratitude. I heard someone at a meeting say recently, that she cannot love herself, if she's caught up in hating the alcoholic. I need to hear that kind of powerful insight, those reminders, to keep me balanced, focussed and content.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Keep On Keeping On.
I had taken my blog offline for a while, until I could remove the identifying information, which I shouldn't have posted in the first place, but live and learn. I'm back on public readings again.
I haven't written here in a long time, over a month. I've been going through some changes, and it's been rocky, to put it mildly. I've written elsewhere on this blog about the fact that I seem to be a slow learner in some areas of my life and my recovery, and I've had that brought home to me quite sharply, in the last while.
I have been granted the ability to see where I've fallen far short of my program ideals, in my primary relationship with the alcoholic. I've been struggling to tread water, feeling fatigued and emptied out - feeling that I have had nothing to say which could possibly be helpful to anyone else. I mentioned this to a program friend, who sat in contemplative silence for a moment, and then suggested that we do no-one any favours when we are not willing to be honest in long-term recovery, about how we can still be brought to our knees by alcoholism.
I could feel myself getting mildly irritated by this, so knew it was an excellent idea to pay close attention to what she was saying, and explore that further with her. It's only ever the truth that annoys me in this way.
I decided that I need to start attending some extra meetings in my week - where we lived before, there wasn't much choice, here in the city, there's plenty.
Just doing that one thing - going to more meetings, has pushed me over the speedbump I was stalled upon. I've had the fascinating realisation that in one area of my relationship with this alcoholic, I have never, ever, fully surrendered my will. I told myself I had, but circumstances have proven to me that this was not the case - I was keeping that little bit in reserve. I couldn't let it all go.
I've been clutching it, and it's been clutching me.
I've been working to allow myself, when I am in private, to feel all of my feelings, to give in to the desire to weep, instead of trying to muster cheer I haven't felt. I don't think I have ever wept so much in 53 years of life - it's been a torrent of salty water. Each time, it is agonisingly painful at the start, and peaceful at the end. I'm letting it all happen.
My own personal changes have, as is always the case, caused ructions on the home front - sustained, intense manipulation and pressure on the part of the alcoholic to make me go back to the way things used to be. I'm working to detach, attend my meetings, speak up and speak my truth when it's my turn, and let go.
I've had love and acceptance given freely to me, by the people at these meetings, that I haven't been getting at home. It keeps me going, and it keeps me knowing that I'm a good person, I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
I've had some intense, startling revelations because I've been opened by the tears, and receptive to my Higher Power working through other people.
I've been granted another spiritual awakening. When I was new to Al-Anon, I had the idea that these would be like a Disney movie - I had no idea that some can only be given, after we've been scoured out by tears and pain.
I haven't written here in a long time, over a month. I've been going through some changes, and it's been rocky, to put it mildly. I've written elsewhere on this blog about the fact that I seem to be a slow learner in some areas of my life and my recovery, and I've had that brought home to me quite sharply, in the last while.
I have been granted the ability to see where I've fallen far short of my program ideals, in my primary relationship with the alcoholic. I've been struggling to tread water, feeling fatigued and emptied out - feeling that I have had nothing to say which could possibly be helpful to anyone else. I mentioned this to a program friend, who sat in contemplative silence for a moment, and then suggested that we do no-one any favours when we are not willing to be honest in long-term recovery, about how we can still be brought to our knees by alcoholism.
I could feel myself getting mildly irritated by this, so knew it was an excellent idea to pay close attention to what she was saying, and explore that further with her. It's only ever the truth that annoys me in this way.
I decided that I need to start attending some extra meetings in my week - where we lived before, there wasn't much choice, here in the city, there's plenty.
Just doing that one thing - going to more meetings, has pushed me over the speedbump I was stalled upon. I've had the fascinating realisation that in one area of my relationship with this alcoholic, I have never, ever, fully surrendered my will. I told myself I had, but circumstances have proven to me that this was not the case - I was keeping that little bit in reserve. I couldn't let it all go.
I've been clutching it, and it's been clutching me.
I've been working to allow myself, when I am in private, to feel all of my feelings, to give in to the desire to weep, instead of trying to muster cheer I haven't felt. I don't think I have ever wept so much in 53 years of life - it's been a torrent of salty water. Each time, it is agonisingly painful at the start, and peaceful at the end. I'm letting it all happen.
My own personal changes have, as is always the case, caused ructions on the home front - sustained, intense manipulation and pressure on the part of the alcoholic to make me go back to the way things used to be. I'm working to detach, attend my meetings, speak up and speak my truth when it's my turn, and let go.
I've had love and acceptance given freely to me, by the people at these meetings, that I haven't been getting at home. It keeps me going, and it keeps me knowing that I'm a good person, I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
I've had some intense, startling revelations because I've been opened by the tears, and receptive to my Higher Power working through other people.
I've been granted another spiritual awakening. When I was new to Al-Anon, I had the idea that these would be like a Disney movie - I had no idea that some can only be given, after we've been scoured out by tears and pain.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What Is The Purpose Of An Inventory?
An inventory allows me to gain a better grasp of who I am, what motivates me, and how I deal with the world. When I do a Fourth Step, I am taking myself into my own hands - taking responsibility for my own behavior, thinking, and choices.
I was thinking today, about realisations regarding myself, that I've had over the time I've been in Al-Anon. Some have been startling, like a book slapped down on the table in front of me - they make me jump and gasp - "Oh, my goodness! I had never thought about it that way before!"
Others remind me of the laborious removal of a particularly stubborn price sticker - one begins the process by getting a tiny corner lifted, and then slowly pulls bits off, one tiny piece at a time. Some come off cleanly, leaving a nice smooth new surface. Some, only the top layer comes off, the sticky residue remains, and then I have to find something to dissolve the "glue" which binds that piece of my old self to me.
I have days where I can spend an appreciable amount of time in the process, feeling calm, relaxed and patient, knowing that what I'm doing is worthwhile, and the end result is to be desired.
I also have days where I pull off a tiny fragment and then put it down in irritated annoyance and disgust - leave it alone for the time being, I'm not in the mood today.
The trick is to forgive myself for my lack of interest or patience on the latter days - not to berate myself for not wanting to spend time on the process. Yes, I do want to be ever moving forward in my recovery, but nobody is standing over me with a stopwatch counting the time off. (Well, life itself is, but that's a given.)
I was thinking today, about realisations regarding myself, that I've had over the time I've been in Al-Anon. Some have been startling, like a book slapped down on the table in front of me - they make me jump and gasp - "Oh, my goodness! I had never thought about it that way before!"
Others remind me of the laborious removal of a particularly stubborn price sticker - one begins the process by getting a tiny corner lifted, and then slowly pulls bits off, one tiny piece at a time. Some come off cleanly, leaving a nice smooth new surface. Some, only the top layer comes off, the sticky residue remains, and then I have to find something to dissolve the "glue" which binds that piece of my old self to me.
I have days where I can spend an appreciable amount of time in the process, feeling calm, relaxed and patient, knowing that what I'm doing is worthwhile, and the end result is to be desired.
I also have days where I pull off a tiny fragment and then put it down in irritated annoyance and disgust - leave it alone for the time being, I'm not in the mood today.
The trick is to forgive myself for my lack of interest or patience on the latter days - not to berate myself for not wanting to spend time on the process. Yes, I do want to be ever moving forward in my recovery, but nobody is standing over me with a stopwatch counting the time off. (Well, life itself is, but that's a given.)
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