My Feelings Are Not The Alcoholic's Fault.

I was raised in a very blaming environment - I've written about that elsewhere so won't go into details again - suffice it to say that I promptly internalised this attitude as I moved out into the world.

It wasn't until I entered Al-Anon that I began to dimly perceive that perhaps there was another way to live - a way which didn't include the assignation of blame, before changes could be made.

When I detach, take a step back from the heat of my feelings, I can see that no-one makes me feel anything. They may do A, and then I may feel B, but the two things do not have to follow "as the night the day," if I'm working my program, and have a healthy amount of detachment operating at all times.

When I am blaming another person for the way I feel, the receiver of the line to my Higher Power, is off the hook. The connection is disengaged. I can't get through to Him, and He can't get through to me.

I asked someone to be my sponsor, and she accepted with delight. (Only in 12-Step would someone agree to accept long blathering phone calls detailing the minutae of another person's navel-gazing, and consider it an honor.)
I knew that I'd picked the right person for me, during the very first phone call I made to her.

I was wallowing in some feelings of being hard-done-by at the hands of my significant other, and she heard me out, then made a comment which at one time would have caused me serious offense, but due to the wonders of Al-Anon, and the personal growth I've achieved as a result, now made me burst out laughing.

As soon as I did, the self-pity vanished, and I was able to say to myself, "Okay, now let's get some helpful thinking done here."

I feel what I feel, and that's fine. Not only am I'm entitled to my feelings, but it's of vital importance that I recognise and identify them, because my feelings let me know what's going on, when my head can't quite grasp it yet, due to fatigue, manipulation, whatever.

So I allow my feelings. I give myself permission to feel them to the depth of the container (me) - I even agitate it a bit, through prayer, meditation, and reasoning things out with someone else, to make certain that I'm getting them all out. Then I have a choice about what I do next.

In program, I've learned that I cannot change another person. (If I can't make them wipe the crumbs off the counter, why would I imagine I could make them change their personality, or coping mechanisms?)

I can only change myself. I can choose to remain mired in my misery by railing against fate, the alcoholics in my life, and the wrongs they have done me, as I perceive it. Or, I can choose to do things differently this time, rather than go down that same tired old road. I can choose to see my feelings as an indicator that change is necessary, and work to bring that change about, by working the Steps of Al-Anon.

I can set boundaries, and be willing to maintain them, even when I'm in HALT, even when that little voice of unreason is murmuring, "Oh just this once, it doesn't matter, surely?"

That sneaky little voice is my disease of codependence speaking to me. When it starts up, I need to have a conversation with my sponsor, a program friend, and my Higher Power. I need to do the work required, if I want the result that's promised.

I feel what I feel, that's nobody's fault. I hated that idea when I was new in Al-Anon, because I had no idea how to manage if I wasn't blaming. I can still fall back into blaming if I'm not working my program, and maintaining my healthy boundaries.

It's easier to lie back, weep wail moan and blame, than it is to get myself up and go to a meeting. But I want what the meeting offers: experience, strength, hope, love, and a good laughing fit. I'm willing to let go of blaming, to gain what is only possible when I do so - serenity. Gratitude. I heard someone at a meeting say recently, that she cannot love herself, if she's caught up in hating the alcoholic. I need to hear that kind of powerful insight, those reminders, to keep me balanced, focussed and content.

Keep On Keeping On.

I had taken my blog offline for a while, until I could remove the identifying information, which I shouldn't have posted in the first place, but live and learn. I'm back on public readings again.

I haven't written here in a long time, over a month. I've been going through some changes, and it's been rocky, to put it mildly. I've written elsewhere on this blog about the fact that I seem to be a slow learner in some areas of my life and my recovery, and I've had that brought home to me quite sharply, in the last while.

I have been granted the ability to see where I've fallen far short of my program ideals, in my primary relationship with the alcoholic. I've been struggling to tread water, feeling fatigued and emptied out - feeling that I have had nothing to say which could possibly be helpful to anyone else. I mentioned this to a program friend, who sat in contemplative silence for a moment, and then suggested that we do no-one any favours when we are not willing to be honest in long-term recovery, about how we can still be brought to our knees by  alcoholism.

I could feel myself getting mildly irritated by this, so knew it was an excellent idea to pay close attention to what she was saying, and explore that further with her. It's only ever the truth that annoys me in this way.

I decided that I need to start attending some extra meetings in my week - where we lived before, there wasn't much choice, here in the city, there's plenty.

Just doing that one thing - going to more meetings, has pushed me over the speedbump I was stalled upon. I've had the fascinating realisation that in one area of my relationship with this alcoholic, I have never, ever, fully surrendered my will. I told myself I had, but circumstances have proven to me that this was not the case - I was keeping that little bit in reserve. I couldn't let it all go.

I've been clutching it, and it's been clutching me.

I've been working to allow myself, when I am in private, to feel all of my feelings, to give in to the desire to weep, instead of trying to muster cheer I haven't felt. I don't think I have ever wept so much in 53 years of life - it's been a torrent of salty water. Each time, it is agonisingly painful at the start, and peaceful at the end. I'm letting it all happen.

My own personal changes have, as is always the case, caused ructions on the home front - sustained, intense manipulation and  pressure on the part of the alcoholic to make me go back to the way things used to be. I'm working to detach, attend my meetings, speak up and speak my truth when it's my turn, and let go.

I've had love and acceptance given freely to me, by the people at these meetings, that I haven't been getting at home. It keeps me going, and it keeps me knowing that I'm a good person, I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

I've had some intense, startling revelations because I've been opened by the tears, and receptive to my Higher Power working through other people.

I've been granted another spiritual awakening. When I was new to Al-Anon, I had the idea that these would be like a Disney movie - I had no idea that some can only be given, after we've been scoured out by tears and pain.

What Is The Purpose Of An Inventory?

An inventory allows me to gain a better grasp of who I am, what motivates me, and how I deal with the world. When I do a Fourth Step, I am taking myself into my own hands - taking responsibility for my own behavior, thinking, and choices.

I was thinking today, about realisations regarding myself, that I've had over the time I've been in Al-Anon. Some have been startling, like a book slapped down on the table in front of me - they make me jump and gasp - "Oh, my goodness! I had never thought about it that way before!"

Others remind me of the laborious removal of a particularly stubborn price sticker - one begins the process by getting a tiny corner lifted, and then slowly pulls bits off, one tiny piece at a time. Some come off cleanly, leaving a nice smooth new surface. Some, only the top layer comes off, the sticky residue remains, and then I have to find something to dissolve the "glue" which binds that piece of my old self to me.

I have days where I can spend an appreciable amount of time in the process, feeling calm, relaxed and patient, knowing that what I'm doing is worthwhile, and the end result is to be desired.

I also have days where I pull off a tiny fragment and then put it down in irritated annoyance and disgust - leave it alone for the time being, I'm not in the mood today.

The trick is to forgive myself for my lack of interest or patience on the latter days - not to berate myself for not wanting to spend time on the process. Yes, I do want to be ever moving forward in my recovery, but nobody is standing over me with a stopwatch counting the time off. (Well, life itself is, but that's a given.)

Ego.

I recently attended a meeting of a social group to which I belong. There were two new members at this meeting, both of whom could be said to be well-educated in loosely related fields, and both possessed of strong personalities. They appeared to take an instant dislike to one another, and the meeting quickly deteriorated into a "battle of the experts!" with much one-upmanship and verbal trouncing, while the rest of the group sat in uncomfortable silence.

It was the very first time that I haven't thoroughly enjoyed myself after getting together with this social group. These two individuals seemed unable to realise, (or perhaps care,) what kind of atmosphere they were creating with their mutual animosity - they were locked in a verbal struggle to win - that was all that mattered.
It was ego run rampant in a small setting, and it was unpleasant to witness.

I think the rest of us were at first rather stunned, and then hoping, perhaps, that they would self-regulate. But anyone capable of behaving this way at a social group, is perhaps, not as self-aware as could be wished.

It was a good reminder to me, once again, of how loving and supportive 12-Step meetings are. We don't interrrupt, talk over, crosstalk, ignore, demean, criticise....we are respectful of each other, we give each other the space to have our own views and beliefs, and we care for the health and comfort of the group as a whole.

I sometimes forget just how unusual and amazing this atmosphere of loving acceptance is, when one considers human character and habits. I was reminded of this at the recent social club meeting, as I watched these two fight to be "right," with innuendoes and undercurrents of hostility - and I was also reminded of who I was when new to Al-Anon.

I guarded my battered ego with walls topped off with barbed wire and mad dogs roaming my perimeter, ready to attack at the slightest sign of anything I considered trespass. I was schooled in the "shoot first, ask questions later" mode of conduct as a child, and I carried that into adulthood. I was more interested in how I was feeling, than how my behavior might be affecting anyone else. I was determined to be "right," and I would say almost anything in service to this determination, no matter how unkind or hurtful. I would feel great satisfaction when I scored verbal hits. I was not a very nice person.

I had a lot of amends to make, when I did my first Step 9.

Letting go of the need to be "right" has given me much pleasure in life, because it has allowed me to dispose of what a program friend calls "fight gear." I don't walk around with all those layers of protection, ready to engage in verbal battle at any moment, with anyone. I can step back, and disengage completely. I can walk away. I can refuse to be goaded, I can allow anyone to think anything, with calm acceptance, and no need to "convince."

I don't have to make you wrong, in order to be right. We can both be wrong, we can both be right - it no longer matters to me the way it once did. I can shrug my shoulders, and let it all go.

Wanting Change.

I've got a flowering plant which I've had now for about 5 years. I really like the bloom, it's an unusual very dark red which I find most attractive. But this plant has a major flaw - in cool weather, the blooms open partway, then stop. Without bakingly hot summer temperatures, it won't perform.

I was looking at it this morning, and sighing to myself, frustrated at the darn thing for doing what it had done every year I've had it. I went on to other things in my morning, then later thought of it again, and this time, started laughing quietly to myself. I need to practise my program even in my garden.

I cannot force this plant to behave in a way I'd prefer it to do - open those beautifully-colored blooms properly. I either learn to accept that they open partway, or I find another home for it. Feeling frustrated upon catching sight of it, and irritated with the hybridiser, and continuing to keep it in my garden in the hopes that next year it will behave differently, is my own particular brand of denial operating in my garden.

I've also done this "waiting/hoping/feeling frustrated and angry while doing so" thing, in so many areas of my life. I've refused to look at what is right in front of me, in the hopes that if I squinted, and looked at it sidelong rather that straight on, it might look like something else entirely - year after year after year.

I was talking to someone recently about being a "slow learner." They agreed that sounded much nicer than "stubborn bonehead."

How many times do I pretend that I am practising tolerance and patience, when what I'm really doing, is practising denial?

Impatience.

It dawned upon me today that I've always thought of impatience as being a "minor" character defect, worthy of change, absolutely, but one that could go in the "less vitally important" column on my seemingly ever-expanding list.

Right upon the heels of that realisation was another - impatience is demanding - of my partner, my Higher Power, myself.  When I'm impatient, I'm demanding difference. As in change. As in control. I was rather surprised to realise this, because as mentioned above, I've though of impatience as being a minor blip in my journey to better personhood.

It's sobering to discover just how insidious my need/want/desire/demand/  for control really is. (Reminds me of bindweed in the garden - tendrils which appear delicate yet have the tensile strength of hardened steel, and roots which insinuate themselves into the most inacessible places.)

This is why I need my Higher Power's help in removing my character defects - I'm not even aware of them all, and when I am aware, I'm still able to minimise their affect upon my life.

Privacy Issues.

I've decided to make my blog open only to invitation for the time being, until I can do some editing of indentifying information, because someone at a meeting I attend found MrSponsorPants blog, and could, through comments I've made on his blog, find mine, and figure out who I am - I am not comfortable with this person finding my blog, as I don't trust them.
So, until I can get the time to go through and do some weeding, I'll be invitation only.