Relativity Isn't Just A Mathematical Concept.

I was reminded, by the story of a newcomer at my home group last night, just how fortunate I am, to live the life I have today.

That's another reason I continue to attend Al-Anon meetings - to remind myself of where I used to be, and to give newcomers a promise that "it works if you work it."

I may still have days when I just am not able to wrestle my mood back onto the rails, but I have to allow for that - I cannot do what isn't humanly possible. I have to forgive myself for those days, and also, not assign to them, too much weight. A less-than-wonderful day doesn't have to be a sinister indication that anything is wrong. A fretful state of mind can seem a portend of doom approaching, but only if I regard it with fear, rather than making allowances for these as occasional happenings.

When I get up the next day, and I'm feeling better - well, that's a blessing, and I'm also grateful for those who read my blog and leave encouraging comments.

I like this from today's reading in Hope for Today:

"Giving the program away is an affirmation that I have some program to give."

That's why these reminders are so helpful - I have a tendency to indulge in all-or-nothing thinking; and forget that where I am is vastly, marvellously, better than where I was.

The sun is shining again, so I'm going dog-walking.

One Day At A Time.

Some days, the only way I'm able to push myself forward, is by recalling times in the past when I felt just this worried, discouraged, or disheartened, and the worst never happened.

Al-Anon doesn't promise that we will never feel any of these emotions, but over time, it does give us positive memories upon which to draw on days like this - when I feel bone-tired, and life is a slog.

One day at a time - close the door behind which all of my fears of the future lurk, waiting to consume me, and do whatever small bit I can do during this day. Let that be enough. Feelings are not facts.

No inspiration today, just plodding through. So it goes. I'm grateful to know that I've been here many times before, and when I look back, the shark didn't even take a nibble out of me,   just swam silently by.
This too shall pass.

Enabling, Or Acting As If - How Do I Tell?

This question was asked of me recently.

I was raised in a family in which the opinions of a mysterious "other people" seemed to direct our choices.
Also, I find displays of anger quite threatening - this makes me far more likely to accept unacceptable behavior, and tolerate that which I do not like, in an effort to avoid provoking displeasure.

I grew up with the precise thinking in place, to make me a top-flight enabler.

My dictionary offers the following synonyms for the word "enabler:" empower, allow, permit.

I empowered my first husband's consumption of alcohol when I agreed to drive him to the liquor store in an effort to stop him driving while intoxicated.

I've allowed the alcoholics in my life to continue to demonstrate unacceptable behavior, when I smoothed things over so there would be no consequences for that behavior, from myself, or anyone else.

I've permitted the alcholics to treat me in a way I did not like, when I sat and listened to my ex's abusive words night after night, let my sister speak to me with scorn, etc.

Sometimes the only way I can distinguish between enabling and acting as if, is to consider my motives. Why am I doing whatever it is?

If my motive is to make myself or the alcoholic look better to a third person, I'm most likely enabling. If my motive is to avoid dealing with conflict - enabling. If my motive is to please a person who is being rude or abusive - enabling.

If my motive is to forward my recovery along a new path, when I'm not sure how to go about it, then I'm probably ok to act as if.

So on a general note, I'd say that enabling is about events taking place outside myself, "acting as if" is about my inner workings.

Hope that helps.

Attending Meetings.

Garnet posted today asking for input on what her readers thought about skipping a homegroup meeting for a social event. It's a good question. On the one hand, we hear that "there are no musts in Al-Anon." On the other, we are told by our fellow members to do this, that, and the other thing.

I think it's vitally important to distinguish between program, and advice. Al-Anon will not work for us, if we are following its precepts while simmering with resentment because by doing so, we aren't having any fun.

I have a tendency to rigidity in my personal makeup, so I don't like change. I feel ever-so-slightly anxious if I am forced to miss my homegroup meeting. Not ditheringly, not hand-wringingly, just slightly. This is a direct result of knowing myself well enough to know that if I give myself permission to skip one meeting, it could be the thin edge of the wedge, and I might skip another and another until pretty soon I'm not attending at all anymore, and I don't want to go down that road anytime soon, thanks.

No matter that this is highly unlikely after many years in Al-Anon, and that my dedication to my recovery is strong - it's a minor fear I still have, so I give myself permission to keep that evening inviolate from all inroads made upon it. I give myself permission, I don't make it a rule.

I've learned in program that a lot of my resentment has to do with the way I frame my thinking - when I think in terms of "I have to do this" it is irrelevant that this thing I'm doing is recovery - when I feel that I "have to," I'll start to kick against it.

I keep my meeting nights inviolate because that is what works for me. I wouldn't tell anyone else that they must do this. I might suggest that regular attendance seems to help us commit to recovery, and that committment seems to drive us forward in our learning and growth, but given my own somewhat rebellious nature, I don't lay out ironclad rules for anyone else.

We each must work it as we work it, there's no other way. I have read blog posts written by those who feel they know how program should be worked, and who judge and condemn others for not working it "the right way" - (which just happens to be their way) but that's part of who we are as people, I think. We're control freaks, alcoholic and co-dependent alike. I take what I like and leave the rest. That's one of the mysteries of 12 Step - we can still receive wisdom from those with whom we wouldn't want to spend 5 minutes of time, outside of a meeting.

We're all in this little boat together, and some days we're actively bailing, and some days we're lying over the bow bemoaning our lot while someone else bails. So it goes.

Before program, if I read a post like that, I'd have stopped reading - now I know enough to know that I don't know everything, and that my faults and frailties are just as obvious in my blog posts, and I pray to be granted tolerance, and to receive it.
Take what you like, and leave the rest. And try to have some fun while doing so.

The Creation Of Art As A Gift And A Blessing.

Obsessing isn't necessarily bad in and of itself, it's what we choose as the object of our obsession. Art is one of my positive preoccupations - just like any other kind of obsessing, it pulls me into a time warp of complete fixation upon my subject.

I surface hours later, stiff as a board from sitting in one position, hand cramped, neck sore, feeling a satisfaction I find nowhere else in life. Art has been this escape into another universe for me, as long as I can recall.

Due to its engrossing nature, art can be an excellent recovery tool  when my mind will not quiet down through other means. I can't paint and worry - I need all my concentration to try to get that effect I'm aiming for. I'm completely caught up in it, and all the matters that seemed so important before I sat down at my worktable, fall silently away - I'm transported into a place of peaceful contemplation.

When I do stop, then all the minutae of daily life flood back in, and my critical voice starts up - I shouldn't have overworked that leaf, and the background is too blue, yada yada yada.

I've learned through years of working in various mediums, to plow through obstacles in my ability, and just keep doing another and another piece, regardless of my frustration level.
There have been many times when the only way I could see my progression was to haul out old pieces, and set them beside the new.

I've heard people talk in Al-Anon about feeling stuck, feeling that they are plowing the same ground interminably, while to the rest of us at the table, this person has made huge progress in their attitudes and abilities.

There are times when all I can see is my present dissatisfaction. I've forgotten (deliberately, in order to sustain my present sulky mood, or inadvertently, as is the way of humanity) the place from whence I came, its terrors and sorrows, and my vision is filled with the way whatever-it-is in the present doesn't fit my desires or specifications. All I can see is what isn't.

My spouse isn't doing what I want. My group isn't adopting something I suggested. My Higher Power isn't giving me what I prayed for. Life isn't the way I think it should be......and so on, you no doubt have your own list.

I was in this mood all day yesterday, feeling ill and out of sorts and grumpy and hard done by, and this morning felt only slightly better, until I read Mr.SponsorPants post of today, and burst out laughing - I'd been raining on my own parade since I first awoke, yesterday morning.

This is why it's so important for me to have daily reminders in the form of Al-Anon literature, meetings, blogs, and a sponsor - because even after all this time, I can still forget.

I need those jogs of my memory - I need someone pointing out that compared to where I used to be, life is a carnival nowadays, and what am I complaining about? Co-incidentally (right) I neglected to read any program literature yesterday, or I'd have found this reminder in the ODAT, page 96:

"The Steps are like a medicine which many of us won't bother to take, although we know they can heal us of the sickness of despair, frustration, resentment and self-pity. Why is this? It may be we have a deep-rooted desire for martyrdom."

Between that reading, and Mr.Sponsorpants' post, the message is loud and clear, and today, I can hear it. For that, I'm truly grateful.

Blogging Mysteries.

Seems like whenever I begin to wonder if I should continue with this blog, someone will write and thank me for a particular post...I guess that's my Higher Power answering my question.

From the ODAT, page 93:

"As I become less self-centered, I will have stronger defenses against being hurt by slights and injustices. Minor crises will not loom large because I will not allow myself to magnify them out of all proportion to their importance."

My dictionary defines self-centered as:
"concerned solely or chiefly with one's own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical."

Less self-centered...well, I'm not sure I have achieved that, in truth. Perhaps I've just slowly worked my way into a state of self-absorption which is more acceptable to others, in that I'm far less likely to insist on maintaining a stance of rigid immovability, when it's pointed out to me that another person's interests and welfare are overlapping mine.

I'm still concerned chiefly with my own interests, though - when one doesn't have kids, that is an easier state to achieve and perpetuate. I mostly do whatever pleases me, but I am more willing to share myself in helpful ways, and to undertake those tasks in a spirit of loving helpfulness, rather than one of insincerity, or quiet fuming.

I was asked today if I'd help with a project, and I readily agreed - not from any particular interest in the project itself, but because I have the time and the skill, I'm fond of the person asking, and it's a way for me to give back what has been so generously given to me.

I see these things from a different viewpoint, after my time in program. Having the ability to say "No" makes saying "Yes" a choice, rather than an expectation I feel I must fufill.  I still stumble on this now and then, but I've learned that I have the right to either change my mind, and say so, or take it as another learning experience with which to bolster my self-respect. No need to demonize anyone for my own craven inability to respond with honesty, which is precisely how I used to deal with that scenario - (How dare they take advantage of me in this manner? Don't they know how busy/tired/exhausted I am? Nobody cares what I feel...)

My own desire to be liked stood squarely in the way of my being able to decide what I wanted. I could only discover my feelings in the matter after I'd given my answer. Before I'd replied, all I could focus upon was the other person's desire to have me respond affirmatively.

It was as though I were standing in front of a mirror, unable to see my reflection - able only to see the other person's reflection.

I believe this is one of the reasons why people-pleasing is so destructive; if I cannot see myself with any clarity, the likelihood of my being able to change any of my behaviors is slight. I become like a leaf in a stream, twisting and swirling in the pull and push of the water.

When my time is consumed in service to others, any time left for me feels snatched, skimpy, and full of resentment. In Al-Anon, I have learned that time spent with myself matters, and I am the one who decides when it is necessary.

That's why some days I don't blog.

Morning People

Why do morning people feel morally superior to those of us on a different circadian rhythm? Must be all those years of hearing proverbs in childhood: "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."  I don't shame those folks who cannot keep their eyes open past nine or ten o'clock in the evening, why do they feel perfectly justified in shaming me for not getting up early?

It isn't that I go to bed when they do, and just sleep for 3-4 hours longer - in most cases, I'm getting a significant amount less sleep than early risers. When I challenge these perceptions, I can often watch the other person struggling to fit this information into their pre-conceived notions about how those of us who sleep into the morning are "lazy" or "slackers."

We all have our ideas about what other people should be doing, in a world run along our personal guidelines, but how often are we operating under this type of misconception? I know I've seen my own faulty thinking challenged time and again, and every time, I find myself shaking my head and wondering - how did I get to the point I reached, without taking any of that into account?

I did it by assuming that I knew what was happening, (without bothering to find out if I was correct,) and then I went on to act upon my assumptions - always a shaky place from which to begin.

From the ODAT, page 92:

"With Al-Anon's help, I can make my battered old world into a shining new one."

Let me be someone who pauses in my thinking long enough to allow others the room to be fully who they are, without comparing, and without judgement.