Sleep.

I've never been a very good sleeper.  I'm subject to periods of insomnia, and when I'm going through one, as I am lately, nothing works. I was told years ago by a doctor, not to sleep late when I do get to sleep, finally, as that just interferes even more with the brain's sleep rhythms. So I get up at my usual waking time, but I'm exhausted and....grumpy. I'm in an extended HALT when I'm suffering from insomnia - my tolerance is down, my irritation is up, and I'm soooo tired.

I get good use of my program at these times. I have days where I'm a model of tongue-biting reason on the outside, while inside my head, I'm reciting a slogan, repeatedly, like a mantra.
I've learned that at times such as these, it's always a good idea to talk less, and listen more.

This too shall pass.

How Important Is It?

This slogan has been a lifeline for me. I was a grievous control freak when I came into Al-Anon. I micro-managed all aspects of my life, and tried to do the same to the alcoholics, my friends, my coworkers, my neighbours... I had the most well-trained dog of anyone I knew. (At the time, I felt very proud of that fact. Now, I see it somewhat differently; now, I don't consider it vitally important that my dogs leap to obey my every command at once. These days, as long as they have some manners, and are reasonably well-behaved, I can allow them to be dogs, and do those mysterious canine things they do - such as: each spring, sample a slug, just to see if it really is as distasteful as it proved to be last year.)

This slogan has helped me put life into perspective. My first sponsor used to ask - would I even remember whatever it was I was so fussed over, a month from now? Six months? A year? The answer always seemed to be.....no, I wouldn't. So, How Important Is It?

In retrospect, I can see that I was unable to assign various levels of importance, everything mattered equally. This makes for high anxiety, if every choice, every decision, is seen as "life and death."

How Important Is It? Most of the time, not very. Apart from the few serious choices we must make in life, most choices are of lesser importance than we might believe at the time. Most of my choices have been, anyway.

I like to ask my sponsees, "Are you going to be lying on your deathbed wishing you'd chosen differently in this matter?" This question usually provokes a startled look, and then laughter, it's so silly when framed that way.

The Power of Language.

From Hope for Today, page 126:

"When I first heard the slogans at Al-Anon meetings, I considered them to be trite little cliches that couldn't possibly help anybody. they were far too simple to work, and I was far too sceptical to even attempt them. Then it dawned on me that had been using my own slogans all my life. Unfortunately, they were slogans of non-recovery. I'd said many of them daily, and I had grown up hearing most of them from alcoholic relatives. They included "you should know how I feel", "after all I've done for you", "if you really loved me", "damned if you do, damned if you don't", and "I hope you're happy now."


I had my own slogans when I came into Al-Anon, one of which was the utterly depressing "Life's a bitch, and then you die." I got that from my first alcoholic, my ex. A slightly more cheerful one that I still use, came from my adopted maternal grandfather: "It's a great life if you don't weaken."

Just like the person in the above reading, at first glance, I found the slogans impossibly simple, they didn't satisfy my rather confused belief that in order to be at all meaningful, philosophy must be convoluted. I was not only sceptical, I was scornful. Luckily for me, I was also desperate, and in my desperation, clutched at the bits of program which sprang easily to mind during stressful times.

I recall many an evening spent walking my dog, and repeating the first line of the Serenity Prayer almost as a mantra: "God grant me serenity." As I attended more meetings, I began to recall the odd Slogan, and use that as one of my oft-repeated reminders to myself that I could choose another path, and change my life.

Another line I really like from today's reading in HFT:

"Today I won't discount simplicity until I give it a decent try."

Ramifications.

From Hope for Today, page 125:

"The process of making decisions sometimes causes me problems and gets me stuck. I want to make the "perfect"decision not only for the problem at hand, but also for any consequences that might arise from the original decision. I'll spend an inordinate amount of time thinking of dozens of hypothetical problems, some of them occurring 30 years down the road, which cannot be obliterated by one single "perfect" decision I might make today."

This describes the decision-making (don't want to call it a "technique" as that makes it sound measured, reasonable, and well-thought-out, and it was none of those, being motivated purely by fear) process I used before Al-Anon. I couldn't arrive at a conclusion on even the smallest of matters, because I would invariably be sidetracked by what might happen if I went that route. I'd spend hours trying to anticipate all possible ramifications, in the hopes that I might find the best of all possible solutions. I drove myself, and those around me, completely insane. It was much easier to just "go along to get along," as then the responsibility for the decision wasn't mine, and I could snipe from the sidelines, were it to prove a mistake. I was a seething mass of confusion and resentments. I wanted the autonomy to make my own decisions, without having to take the fall for them.

How did I learn to do things differently? One decision at a time. Praying for the guidance of my Higher Power, and then being willing to listen for, and act upon, that guidance, trusting that very few things in life are final, and that I can learn just as much from a mistaken decision as from a correct one.

Withstanding Manipulation.

Some of us, as co-dependents, are more than usually susceptible to the emotional manipulations of others - I know I am. I can give some thought to a matter, decide upon a course of action with which I feel comfortable, then inform the other what my decision is, with a short explanation, and do all this with a serenity and ease.

However, just let the other person start playing drama queen (or king, let's be fair, no sexism on this blog) and make sweeping statements about how they were "devastated" or "crushed" and I will feel the creeping guilties start to permeate my thinking.

That's when detachment is such a useful Al-Anon tool - I can step back from all the theatrics and melodrama, remind myself that before all the emotions were given free rein, I was quite relaxed about my choice.

My first sponsor used to say, dryly: "Devastated" is what happens after an earthquake;  the way you feel when someone says something you don't like - that's "upset." It's a good reminder for me - when the language is dramatic, I'm usually watching a performance. I don't have to buy into it. I can maintain my serenity, even in the face of a home-movie version of "Gone With The Wind."

Step 6

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

Some days, I am ready. I'll catch myself demonstrating one of my character defects for the billionth time, stop, sigh heavily, and ask God: "Can you please deal with this? My puny efforts have gone for naught."

I'm thoroughly wearied by a pattern of behavior/ stubborn refusal to hear/ assumption in advance of the facts, whatever it may be that I'm acting out. I understand the thinking behind it, how it may have worked for me in the past but is now, like a dog, sneaking up to stand right behind me, so when I turn to walk, I almost do a face-plant in an effort not to fall over it. I've tried and tried and tried to do things differently, but I'm failing miserably, and I'm getting frustrated. I need help, in the form of a small spiritual awakening, so that my attitude is forever shifted just slightly, and the next time the situation arises, I no longer view it in the same habitual fashion, and the trigger is...gone.

That's the best way I know, to describe how Step 6 works for me. I don't realise it has happened, until after the fact, when I will realise with some wonder and delight, that what used to get me steamed, leaves me detached.

Now, one caveat here - this only seems to take place after I have put in countless hours of slog, working my program. I will have to have been trying to change my attitude, struggling to rise above my baser nature, discussing my character defects in brutal honesty at meetings and with sponsees and my own sponsor. I will need to have been stopping and considering, time after time, just what exactly what am I about to say, and why? What are my motives? What do I hope to accomplish?

God has never done the prep work for me; I must be willing to do that which demonstrates my willingness. But when I have done my part, and receive that gift of having a character defect removed, what fills the empty spot is a delirious sort of joyful detachment.

Analysing Too Much.

I've always been one of those people who had the belief that if I just knew "why" something happened, I'd be able to accept it more easily. This never proves to be the case; when I know why, I only know why, it doesn't ease the pain one jot.

I've used this, in my recovery, to put off trying to accept whatever it may be, telling myself that once I figure out why, then I can work upon acceptance. This is pure unadulterated nonsense, and when I'm thinking with clarity and detachment, I can see that. But let me be in HALT, and my faulty logic can easily lead me astray. (A program friend recently remarked upon the way our faulty logic always seems to make perfect sense at the time - I believe this is why Al-Anon suggests we "reason things out with someone else" - so we have an objective listener - someone to raise an eyebrow, purse their lips, nod uncertainly, or if we are fortunate, say outright, "Bullshit!)

How can I tell whether or not my thinking is judicious? Write it down, leave it overnight, then go back and re-read it the next day. I find this works like a charm - the next day, I will bring up whatever I wrote, begin to read it, and find the preposterous thinking practically leaping off the page and giving me a good smack upside the head. I've had times, doing this, where I've even started to laugh, because whatever I wrote in the heat of the moment, was so...misguided. (Nice little euphemism for full-out co-dependent looniness.)

Sometimes the only way I can tell I've lost it, is in hindsight. Such is the power of our disease.