Some days are easier than others, even in long-time recovery.
Today I've been having a struggle, with the part of me determined to be offended by what someone I love is doing. I've had to ask for help from my Higher Power over and over again today, because I've been obsessing, and when I manage to stop, with the help from my HP, I seem to take a short break, then start right over again. I don't get times like this very often anymore, but I do get them, and they can be relatively lighthearted (a weird way to describe obsession, I know) or they can be supremely difficult to handle.
Why do I want to take personally, that which has nothing, (the rational side of me knows this with a kind of crystal clarity) absolutely nothing to do with me, but is just the way the alcoholic deals with stress? I believe it has to do with ego, and my wishing they would deal with their stress in some other fashion. I want to "help," I want to get in and meddle about and show them a "better" way to deal with it, I want to spout program, I want to control.
Ugh. Even after so much time in program, I can still display control freak tendencies. If I'm under stress myself, and triggered in a certain way, the record drops onto the turntable, the arm swings over, the needle lowers, and it's the same old song.
The difference is that now I know this fact, and am aware enough of my own internal dialogue, to be able to hear myself singing that old refrain. In the same way that the occasional catchy song can turn into a brain worm, which burrows mercilessly into my head, so that I find myself singing one line from the darn thing repeatedly for two days, until I'm ready to scream with frustration, obsession about another person's behavior or choices can get me by the throat with an iron grip.
This hasn't happened to quite this degree, since a while before the cancer - with lowered defenses, more stress, and about ten months of missed meetings, I have backslid some way down the control hill. I need to be more vigilant in my self-assessment, and more questioning of my thinking, I can see that for certain.
I have my Step Group meeting tonight, for which I am deeply grateful - and I spoke to an Al-Anon friend for a while today. My sponsor was working, so I didn't want to be bothering her with my insanity this afternoon. I'm hoping we can spend some time together this weekend, she's such fun, and a voice of reason. I'm so grateful for the program, my friends, my partner, all of my blessings.
Hope you had a day with little or no insanity!
What a gifted writer you are. The bit about the record player playing the same old song was wonderful. May we all be free of our obsessions.
ReplyDeleteI understand the twirling dervish of obsession...it comes and wants to take over my situation...something that could harm me in some way or others that I love.
ReplyDeleteThe spin begins and the dance has taken me into the swirl -- letting go of the spin for me is my gate to the program to let go---trust, have compassion for self and others
Today I have some clarity, but the dance is deep within
Ha! This is me today. Sometimes I want to shout at another person, "Where is your program?! You have no program!" Where do I get off judging someone else's program? Human that I am, sometimes I do, and I really annoy and bore myself when I do that. The finger I point is attached to three fingers pointing back at me, so I better pick up a program tool and start working on it. Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteI don't obsess about much anymore, but I surely used to. I could not turn off the thoughts that churned in my head. I likened it to the gerbil on a wheel, just running over the same old path over and over. Glad to not have that in some while.
ReplyDeleteThis post really resonated with me as I am in a relationship with a sober addict alcoholic (13 years) and he has very little patience in certain situations. He must get out of them or else he turns into the incredible hulk. I am becoming aware of my own resentment at playing diplomat, while he plays hot-head. (I am just 1.25 years in program). I am learning each day. Some old-timers told me that I should always have a Plan B in my pocket, for when the alcoholic takes an evening off the rails. Each time these unexpected things occur, I feel it is HP telling me to prioritize myself first. Know myself. Get in touch with myself so I know what I WANT in any given moment. Thank you for this blog.
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