Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Old Pain.

I have never cried like this. Leaving without my dogs was agony, it seems to have ripped the store-room door wide open, and all the pain of all the years in which I could not cry even had I wanted to, is pouring out, an unstoppable river of tears.  I have enough self-possession to drag myself into a state approaching calm when I must, to deal with life's necessities, and to keep my friends from thinking that I have lost my mind, but all other times, it just rains out of me, a force not controllable by any other way but pleas to my Higher Power to grant me peace.

I go to Al-Anon meetings, and no sooner am I in my car afterwards, but it all sweeps over me again, and I'm driving home sobbing. I remember things I haven't thought of in 15 years, which caused me awful hurt at the time, but because back then I couldn't cry, they were stuffed into that internal store-room and the door firmly closed against them. That won't work as a solution anymore, the door itself has been removed.

I'm trying to let it go, to let it out, to validate that person who believed in love, who was crushed to be treated so harshly by a man who swore he loved her. I accepted his blame for all of it, and I tried so hard to be some other way to make it work. When he told me it was my fault that he was emotionally cruel to me, I believed it, why wouldn't I? I'd been getting that message all my life.

I remember the hope I had when we were starting out, and the early beliefs that this time I would figure out the way to make us happy, since according to him, it all fell into my area of reasponsibility. If only I would be a different way, then he would be, too. It never worked, he was the same no matter what I did.

I started this blog because my denial was finally smashed. He said something to me which broke through: he told me he had treated his first wife exactly the same way. When he said that, he set me free.
Freedom at the moment seems to consist of hours of weeping punctuated by sleep. I want to let it all go, I don't want any of that old sorrow festering inside my heart and soul. I want peace. I want to be an instrument of my HP's peace, and to do that, I must be emptied out.


  1. I admire your courage to act in your own best interest, even though it is painful. Doing the right thing for yourself isn't always the easiest thing.

    I'm just coming out/through a similar experience and I wish you peace.

  2. You're actually right on schedule (at least as far as my divorce was concerned). Breathe & hydrate. The ocean of grief feels overwhelming but you are making the strong choice to let it scour you completely and are walking through this bravely and wisely. Just make sure you offer yourself as much comfort and kindness as possible while the storm rips through. Tissues, soup, smoothies (I couldn't swallow for weeks), juice, pillows, quiet, rest, much more sleep than you think you could possibly need. Your Higher Power is right there alongside. Breathe & hydrate. Gentle hugs to you—

  3. It touches me to read of your sorrow. I feel so fortunate to realize that the program will always be there for me even when I cant be there for myself. HP will always be at your side.

  4. Bless you! Even though I don't know what you look like, or what your name is, you are not alone. May your tears carry out all the hurt and disappointments of the years. May you sense the loving arms of God around you in this time of grieving. May this be a path to the best days of your life. Hang in there; this pain will not last forever, and is perhaps a good sign that at least you are starting to feel again. I'm saying a prayer for you right now.

  5. I feel that this must be like a death of sorts--to have loved and then to have lost something, someone who was such a part of your life, even though the times weren't always good. I know that we lost something during the drinking years. Now we have started over since both of us have been in recovery. Within the last 3 years we have come to love each other even more than before. But the old marriage was done. I don't know how it all happened really. I hope that you will know that you did your best. Sometimes one just gets to the point where there is no point of carrying on. We were there and somehow God had other plans.

  6. I haven't read your blog in about 9-10 months... I've been going through my own divorce and am about 9 months into my new "single" life. Single mom of two small kids. My story is your story.

    I bent and twisted myself to be all those things he said he needed so he could be better. When he drank, when he yelled... it was always my fault. If only I had done this or that.

    As I walked away, I found out from others... that was EXACTLY how the other women before me were treated. It wasn't me. I was set free. And it made it easier walking away from him. I no longer worried about losing him to some other woman. I know pray for the next woman... that she gets out sooner, and less scarred, than me.

    One day a time... healing will come. The pain will ease.