I have never cried like this. Leaving without my dogs was agony, it seems to have ripped the store-room door wide open, and all the pain of all the years in which I could not cry even had I wanted to, is pouring out, an unstoppable river of tears. I have enough self-possession to drag myself into a state approaching calm when I must, to deal with life's necessities, and to keep my friends from thinking that I have lost my mind, but all other times, it just rains out of me, a force not controllable by any other way but pleas to my Higher Power to grant me peace.
I go to Al-Anon meetings, and no sooner am I in my car afterwards, but it all sweeps over me again, and I'm driving home sobbing. I remember things I haven't thought of in 15 years, which caused me awful hurt at the time, but because back then I couldn't cry, they were stuffed into that internal store-room and the door firmly closed against them. That won't work as a solution anymore, the door itself has been removed.
I'm trying to let it go, to let it out, to validate that person who believed in love, who was crushed to be treated so harshly by a man who swore he loved her. I accepted his blame for all of it, and I tried so hard to be some other way to make it work. When he told me it was my fault that he was emotionally cruel to me, I believed it, why wouldn't I? I'd been getting that message all my life.
I remember the hope I had when we were starting out, and the early beliefs that this time I would figure out the way to make us happy, since according to him, it all fell into my area of reasponsibility. If only I would be a different way, then he would be, too. It never worked, he was the same no matter what I did.
I started this blog because my denial was finally smashed. He said something to me which broke through: he told me he had treated his first wife exactly the same way. When he said that, he set me free.
Freedom at the moment seems to consist of hours of weeping punctuated by sleep. I want to let it all go, I don't want any of that old sorrow festering inside my heart and soul. I want peace. I want to be an instrument of my HP's peace, and to do that, I must be emptied out.