Friday, November 18, 2011


A reader asked:

"So how do I begin to trust? I am very independent. My personal friends and acquaintances result in so much let down and are unreliable people. My famiy is entirely self absorbed. I have not begin to talk to others in the program at meetings beyond superficial hi and hello. I do not feel the need to call them on the phone or look for a person to be a sponsor.I conclude this is a trust issue.Need to change the isolation I am in. People = let down for me. I wonder, how can I get the support from people and a sponsor if I have a trust barrier? Any thoughts, suggestions or comments?"

My first thought is to notice the way you've written about the people in your life: your friends and acquaintances are "unreliable people,"  your family is "entirely self-absorbed."

I know that when I get caught up in judgement of another human being, not only have I lost my focus on myself and my own shortcomings, I've also put on a filter which has the strange effect of only allowing me to see the negative aspects of life and other people. And most people aren't saints, which means that if I'm judging and condemning them, always aware of their faults, and how they've fallen short of my standards for them, they aren't going to be rushing over to me, wanting to be supportive.

Our attitudes color our perception of the world, and other people.
We get back pretty much what we put out - that's why people who are positive and cheerful tend to have a better experience out in the world, than those of us who are negative, critical, and judgemental. I was all of those, and more.
How did I begin to trust? By deciding to. By deciding that I could handle it if this person wasn't perfect, or let me down. I decided first to relax, and then to let go of all of my standards of behavior for other people. I work to let go of my expectations, good and bad. When I have no expectations, I can't be disappointed when they aren't fufilled. If I want to have a friend who is loving, supportive and trustworthy, I need to be that friend first.

Instead of demanding that I get, I want to be a person who is delighted to give. I want to be open-minded, accepting, and a generous giver of love.


  1. I had to forgive myself and stop judging myself. Then, it was possible to quit judging others and find a way to forgive others in my family. I no longer feel isolated. My Higher Power is with me now Whenever the old feelings start creeping in, look in the mirror. Usually, I'm the one causing the isolation and trust issues. Thanks so much for this writing.

  2. My attitude towards others was that they could not possibly want to be around me. I used that as an excuse to harbor resentments. And to isolate. Glad that I have moved past that stuff. I have made improvements in my attitude that has helped my relationships with others.

  3. Let Go of expectations....Yes, I appreciate that point. Expecting others "to be" to meet my expectations or just be there will surly guarentee disappointment. I must remember not to have expectations. I am just setting myself up for let down.I caught myself saying today, "Dont assume anything and dont have expectations and then you wont get frustrated".