Where Does The Time Go?

It goes wherever I spend it. I can be a miser with my time, only portioning out the smallest of amounts to my recovery, my friendships, my dogs, my art - or I can be lavish.

I prefer lavish. I prefer hours spent on program - lost in communion with a sponsee, or program friends, exploring the boundless depths of Al-Anon: reasoning things out with someone else (until we are at best, satisfied, or at least, more serene and relaxed) discussing the fact that even when we don't feel like we are getting anywhere, we still are, and isn't that hysterical, the way we _____?

When I decide to be lavish with my time, I feel enriched, invigorated, alive. We get back what we give to life. If I'm stingy with my time and my love, I will find the world feels stingy in return. When I'm caught up in protecting myself, avoiding knowledge which will require me to change to accomodate it, or any of the other myriad of methods I've used, to get in my own way in life, I may be telling myself that I'm focusing on myself, but the truth is, I'm really only navel-gazing.

There's a difference. Navel-gazing is self-absorption, which interferes with my ability to recognise my character defects, and my self-defeating behavior, with any detachment or accuracy. My self-absorption usually has a strong taint of self-pity in the mix, and that's not healthy for me. It may feel good for a little while, but it's what a friend calls "a fast ride to nowhere, in a rocking chair."

Yes, I can only know what I know, and be as enlightened as I am, at this one moment. But I am not sentenced to a lifetime of those limitations; Al-Anon offers an ever-deeper understanding of life and of myself, if I only step forward and hold out my hand to receive that gift being held out to me.

I pray for the courage, in the coming year, to spend of myself and my time with a gleeful lack of restraint, and with a generosity of heart. My Higher Power is in charge of restocking.