Al-Anon Family Groups

One wonderful aspect of living in this city is the number of Al-Anon meetings available - at least one every day, and sometimes two - this makes for a great framework of support for someone like myself who has recently moved here, and has few connections. When I walk into a meeting, sit down in a chair and smile at the other people in the room, it doesn't matter that I don't know their names or life stories; what I do know is that they have been affected by someone else's alcoholism.

I know they have suffered in the same ways I have, in their struggles to deal with that "cunning, baffling and powerful" disease: had the same feelings of intense frustration and despair: most likely made some of the same crazy  misguided choices, in their efforts both to understand and to change the alcoholic. (I've come to see that when it comes to alcoholism and our efforts to have some effect upon it, we are all barking mad, it's just that some are barking more loudly than others.)

I know that I can learn from those whom I've met for the first time two weeks ago - we don't have to be close friends in order for me to gain insight from their willingness to share and to offer their experience, strength and hope. All that's required from me is an open mind, and that I pay attention when people are sharing. An open mind means that even if I've attended a meeting for the first time and not liked it as much as some of the others,  I continue to go back, because that "not liking" may have had more to do with my state of mind, expectations, or physical comfort than anything to do with the people in the group, or the way the meeting is run.  I had yet another example of this last night, when I went for the second time to a specific meeting, although I'd felt rather depressed after the meeting last week. I've learned that my situation can sharply affect my perceptions, and my situation is that I've recently left a long-term marriage, with all of the stresses that includes.

I'm grateful for all who take the time to attend meetings and give back what was given to them when they were new. My first sponsor used to say this to me whenever I'd suggest that I didn't feel like going to my home group meeting because I was tired, or busy, or distracted, or lazy - she'd give me that steely look, and ask what would have become of me, if everyone in the group in the very first meeting I'd attended, had decided to stay home and watch tv? I quailed before that prospect, and went to my meeting.

Solitude And Peace.

When my marriage ended, I decided that I would move back to the city in which I had lived for 17 years, and have always loved. I'd come down here for visits many times over the years, and each time, would feel a wistful longing that I didn't live here anymore.

I have a strong feeling of having come home; I feel connected to this place in a way I never could in the smaller places we lived, perhaps because this is the place where I began my Al-Anon journey.

The setting is beautiful, beside the ocean, with a mountain range visible across the water, glorious old buildings and houses, and a sense of history recognised and appreciated.

I'm the one who decided to leave the marriage, and am not going to invade my privacy or his with details, they don't matter in this blog. It's over, and now I'm moving on to the next phase of my life. Thank you to all who wrote to give support, your kindness touched me - I feel such gratitude for people in program.

I think I've found the meeting that will become my home group, the people are friendly and welcoming, and I felt so comfortable at the first meeting I attended, that I could even share a little. I've been to lots of meetings since I've been here - they keep me feeling grounded and sane.

Now it's time to go home and cook myself something delicious to eat.

Life Changes.

I"m going to be offline for a while, as I have decided to leave the alcoholic and my marriage of 17 years. It hasn't been an easy decision, but I believe it's the right one for me. I'll post on this blog again as soon as I get the time. Take care, all.

A New Point Of View.

When we can laugh at our character defects, rather than find them embarassing or shameful, we have reached a jumping-off place in our spiritual growth. If we have the faith and trust to take the leap, we will  be amazed to discover how joyful everyday life can be.

I asked my HP to remove the awful judgemental attitude I had towards other people, but first I'd had to ask to have that same judgement about myself removed. When I stopped condemning myself for my human frailties, I was moving towards a state of mind that was incomprehensible to me before then. I did not know, believe, or even dimly understand that I would feel my HP's love for me, and through that, find my own love for myself. I did as I was instructed by Al-Anon and my sponsor, and reaped rewards far beyond what I was able to imagine at the time.

We don't have to believe it will work, in order for it to work, we have only to try it and see. I don't need to understand gravity in order for my physical self to be governed by it. In the same way, I don't need to understand 12-Step principles in order for my life to be immeasurably enriched by them, if only I practise them. The understanding, the belief, that comes later. You'll never know if you don't try.
Give it a whirl - time is passing either way.

Stages of Spiritual Growth

I've heard it said that spiritual growth in 12-Step consists of three phases - the first phase is "Help me!" We come into Al-Anon self-absorbed and seeking relief from our pain. As the introduction read out at meetings states: "Living with alcoholism is too much for most of us..."

We've often reached a stage of helpless anger and frustration, with no idea of what we need, but knowing that we need help. We become willing to surrender to the understanding that we can't make the alcoholic stop drinking..

The second stage of spiritual growth in 12-Step is "Grant me..." we reach this stage when we have some idea of our character defects, how they make our lives more difficult and hinder our search for serenity. At this stage, we've given up the blaming, ratiionalising, justifying, and see ourselves without harshness or judgement, simply with clarity - "this is who I am." We ask to be granted relief from our character defects that we might find peace, yes, but also that we might be a better person - we begin to look outward as well as inward, to understand what it might be like for others to deal with us.

The third stage of spiritual growth in 12-Step is "Use me."  We reach a place of quiet knowing that just as our Higher Power uses people in our life to teach and sustain us, so can we too be used. Before a meeting with a sponsee, I say a little prayer: "Please make me worthy of this person's trust."
I'm asking my HP to help me to set aside my own character defects so that the message can get through to them as they need it. I know that I have some useful techniques to offer, but the wisdom is 12-Step wisdom, not mine. I didn't originate these teachings, I received them from my sponsor and other people in program, and I'm grateful to have the chance to pass them on, but they don't make me wise. I'm not an expert in Al-Anon, I'm the same flawed human I ever have been, but I have heard some neat stuff, and if you have the time to listen, I'm excited to tell you about it.

Freedom

My little dog is sleeping on my lap as I write this - after seven and a half weeks of cage rest, she is finally recovered, and can be freed. We're both thrilled by this, she because she is a very personable dog, and me because I adore her. As always seems to be the way of such things, when I heard that three weeks hadn't been long enough, and she'd need another 3-4, it sounded like forever, but has passed quickly. I'm delighted to see her happy and silly again - yesterday we had a nice lounge in the sun on the back deck.

Today, I'm thinking about a quote from Eckhart Tolle:

"Enormous freedom comes into your life when you stop demanding or wanting life to be other than it is."

My Imagination LImits Me.

I was out for a dogwalk with a good friend yesterday, and when a vehicle stopped to allow us to cross, we realised it contained someone we both knew - I knew the passenger, and she knew the driver. It was quite funny in its way, and what happened later on in my evening was even funnier, because it once again reminded me of the ways in which my own imagination limits me. I have learned this life lesson repeatedly during my time in Al-Anon, and I still seem able to forget it. What I find even more interesting is the fact that this limitation extends in only one direction - the positive. I can easily imagine, were I to allow it, various and myriad terrible outcomes, and I've spent many miserable hours of my life doing this - it's called worrying.

It's the possible 'amazing and wonderful' outcomes which don't spring to my mind with equal ease. Seems that every time I believe that I've imagined every way in which a situation could resolve itself positively, and then get tired of this mental chatter and decide to turn it over to my Higher Power, to let it go, it will be resolved in a manner which astounds and delights me, because it will happen in a way that wouldn't have occurred to me had I thought about it for a dozen years.

An elderly member in my first meeting group once made us all howl with laughter by saying with a hint of irritation in her voice that she thought her Higher Power was a bit of a showoff, really. I might be too, if I could imagine the same elegantly perfect solutions