Divine Intervention

This weekend I had an experience which was profoundly disturbing, yet deeply indicative of the reality that when I seek to "improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power"  amazing things will take place. I apologise for sounding so mystical, but I can't write about it here, because I don't want to invade the privacy of the friend involved - suffice it to say that listening to my Higher Power brings about hard, painful work and incredibly meaningful change.

Willing To Receive Help.

Before I can receive help, be it through Al-Anon, my Higher Power or any other source, I must first be willing to receive help, and that requires that I believe both that I'm in need of help - I can't do this all on my own - and that these sources of help have something to offer me.

I need to be teachable. Do I understand that my way is only one way of doing things? Do I accept that my thinking can be distorted? This has to have been one of the most intensely difficult lessons I had to accept when new to program, this concept that what went on inside my own head could be less than sane.  But, when through the working of my first Fourth Step, said thinking was dragged out into the light of day, laid flat and closely examined, there was no other conclusion - in some areas, my thinking was not that of a sane and rational person. I was obsessive, obsessively controlling, fearful, and able to deny to a quite astounding degree.

I've had another realisation lately that I've had some denial operating, and it's strange when the denial falls away to look at this same thinking again, and wonder - how did I get there from here? Just how did I make that elephant disappear? Did I sidle past it, telling myself that it was a piece of furniture? Did I pretend it was really only a small pet? Did I just never go into that room anymore? How did I deny that?

I'm learning, again, that I'm very skilled at making excuses for the alcoholics that I love, be they sisters or husband. Making excuses means that I am not looking at life the way it is, but the way I would prefer it to be. It means that I'm pretending - this isn't really happening, something else is. How many times did my first sponsor ask, "What would you think if someone else said to you, what you just said to me?" and how many times did I have no other honest reply but, "I'd think they were making excuses." Making excuses for someone's unacceptable behavior is a choice, and for me, is usually based somehow in fear - fear of rejection, fear of love being withheld, fear of loss.

This afternoon I spent with someone who knew and loved my friend the same way I did, and remembering him we laughed and wept, and laughed again. My friend was a man of staunch loyalties and a great sense of the inherent silliness of human beings. He could make us laugh until we clutched ourselves and gasped for breath, and yet we always knew that if we ever needed him, he would walk through fire to help, because he was a man who loved people.

Al-Anon has helped me to move from being terrified of people to loving and enjoying them - how can I repay a gift of that magnitude? I can give back what was so generously and freely given to me. I have a sponsee coming in a little while to work the Steps, and I will think of my beautful loving friend when I go to open the door and invite her into my house.

Thanks so much to all of you who have written - I appreciate each comment, each email, and I've reread them a few times - thank you for the love you've shared with me.

More Will Be Revealed.

It's a cliche to say that people reveal the depths of their character during painful times, or times of crisis. My spouse has revealed himself to me with the death of my friend, and I'm having some difficulty accepting it. I couldn't understand why this was, until this morning, when I realised that this was the smashing of my last illusion about him. That illusion has carried me through difficult learning experiences, and been of comfort to me when I was struggling, but it was an illusion, nothing more.

He has always been precisely who he is, it is I who have made him into someone else in my thinking.

A friend jokes that she hates realisations because they always bring change, and she can't go back to her previous state of "not-knowing." I've known and felt that there was a change coming for me, and I've been spending more of my time in working Step Eleven:

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God.as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out."

I've been seeking that inward silent peace, and achieving it for longer periods, but the unexpected result inherent in that peace, is a clearer understanding. This may come to me as a slow dawning, or I may be granted an understanding which feels like a sharp slap to the face -  it stings. This one is a stinger, I'm afraid, and I can't say I like it much, but I don't have to, I have only to accept. To rub the side of my face, and while trying to soothe the sting, thank my Higher Power for having granted it to me. Mostly, I've only been able to be grateful for the painful slapping realisations in retrospect, but I'm making the effort to get there much sooner, and be grateful while the pain is still present.

Death Is A Gift And A Thief.

My friend died today.

His cancer progressed so swiftly, it devoured him long before the time the doctors had estimated - they said that with an operation, and chemotherapy, he could live at least 3 months -after the operation, he didn't live 3 weeks.

Death is a gift for the release from pain, and the torment of a body fighting itself.

Death is a thief for stealing my friend from those who loved him so.

Assumptions Keep Our Viewpoint Narrow.

A sponsee called last night to ask how I was doing, and we talked for a while. I had reached and passed the level of fatigue at which my brain goes on "standby" (if asked a direct question, I can reply, but I'm unable to generate new topics, or a new element of the existing one) so the conversation was sort of limping along. She was very surprised by my answer to one of her questions, and said so; she'd "assumed it was the opposite." I was too tired to take it up with her, but it crossed my mind this morning as a good topic for our next meeting, because these sorts of assumptions keep our viewpoint narrowned down so that we only see what we expect to see. We have our assumptions, and we can operate from that starting point for a great deal of life, never realising that there is so much more than is visible through our narrowed viewpoint.

If I limit my life to "this is only possible with that prerequisite" I am closing off great sweeps of possibility. There's so much more to life than what I am capable of imagining.

A long-timer in Al-Anon jokes that this is one of the reasons that meetings are set up so that we don't interrupt or crosstalk, because we need to be forced to sit quietly and listen to a viewpoint differing from ours. I think for some of us, myself included, I could have gone on sitting in meetings and listening, without having much of a change in my thinking - I needed to work the Steps with a sponsor who gave me very little wiggle-room. My assumptions were all about keeping me safe in the world, so the roots ran deep in my character, and needed concerted, sustained time and effort to dig up, haul out into the light of day, examine closely, and eventually, realise that I could let them go. I needed that shared time, talking and laughter to be able to discard my outmoded notions.

Keeping Busy Through Difficult Times.

During this period of my grieving for my friend who is terminally ill, I've been receiving easily twice as many calls for help from sponsees, and other people in program wanting some of my time to "reason things out with someone else."  Seems as though I barely finish with one before another is calling or emailing. Ordinarily, I might feel overwhelmed, but not now - now I'm intensely grateful to be taken out of myself and my feelings, to focus upon helping another person. Perhaps my HP is giving me this comfort of feeling helpful or useful to balance the helpless inadequacy I feel in the face of my friend's suffering.

Every time a sponsee arrives at my door for their weekly time with me, I feel blessed to be given this comfort of their company, getting into an intense discussion about them, and what's going on in their life, sharing moments of abandoned laughter about how nutty we co-dependents can be.

When your sponsor tells you that he or she gets more out of your relationship than you can imagine, believe them, believe when they say that your work together is a gift for them.

Strive To Be Always More Loving.

One aspect of sponsorship which I found rather disconcerting when I began to sponsor people in Al-Anon, was that I always seemed to be asked by people who had the same character defects I do (his hasn't changed) so I would receive a perfect reflection back to me, of my own rationalisations, justifications, twisted reasonings, and motives. It's what makes me of any help to my sponsees in some areas, the fact that I know pretty much exactly how their thinking on something goes, and as a result am able to discuss it with shared understanding.

What I hadn't expected is that though this process, because I have no judgement of my sponsees for what they think, say and do, I have become considerably more accepting of myself for what I think, say and do. I don't leap to berate myself quite so quickly, or if that habitual response does arise, I can respond to it the way I do with the wonderful people with whom I work in program - by suggesting that blame of self be laid aside - reach for self-acceptance first, then let's just root around in here, and see what we find.

I strive to be always more loving to those around me, the ones I know and the ones I don't. I don't always manage this, not by a long shot, but when I do, the feeling of peace and serenity is as beautiful as sunshine.

My little dog has had 3 improved days in a row, and her perky goofy personality is rising to the fore again. I like that silliness in dogs, a friend says it's God's way of making sure we laugh every day, those of us fortunate enough to share our lives with dogbrain.