Growing Pains.

Some realisations are joyous - we feel lifted up, connected to our Higher Power, eyes open to new possibilities, and bouncing with eager anticipation to get moving.

Some realisations hit with the force of a blow, and we "fall backwards onto a hard fact." Those are the ones for which I can have difficulty mustering gratitude. When I'm right in the midst of coming to an understanding about something firmly in the latter category, it's not only painful, it's disorienting; my perspective has been given enough of a knock to alter the appearance of almost everything in view.

These are the times during which I need to seek support and encouragement from my friends in Al-Anon. They lend an arm upon which I can lean while my eyesight adjusts to my new worldview. They can remind me that new perspective is always a good thing in the long run.  If I am as yet unable to find any way to believe that, I know that they believe it, and I'll go with that. Experience has taught me to take on faith, that which I don't have the inner resources to support on my own right now.

Life is good, and I will feel better. I know that much. I pray for gratitude, and for acceptance.

Common Denominators - Petulant

My dictionary defines petulant as: "irritable, impatient, or sullen." 

I have been all of these - irritable when my wants and needs were not being met, when another person was not responding favourably to my attempts to control them, when life has not been unfolding according to my expectations.

I've been impatient as I've waited for an outcome I wished to occur, for myself to fully grasp a new idea, (or put an old one into regular circulation instead of shoving it into storage and forgetting about it,) for the alcoholics in my life to gain understanding or display willingness.

I've been sullen when I haven't received that to which I think I am entitled or deserve, when boundaries laid down clearly by me are stomped upon and trampled by an alcoholic, when I believe that I am in the right, someone else is in the wrong, and no matter how much I ranted or hounded, I couldn't force them to agree with my interpretations.

My petulance has brought me nothing I want or need. Instead, it has sentenced me to many anxious hours of obsession, ridiculous imagined conversations with someone who is happily engaged elsewhere while I stew and fret, and a boiling dissatisfaction with my own life.

At one time, before Al-Anon, ( and many times afterwards, this has been a slow process)  I enjoyed feeling wronged, irritable and sullen. That attitude fed my self-pity, and justified my own bad behavior and negative attitudes. Just look at what I had to endure! No reasonable person would ____!

But I wasn't a reasonable person, that is the thing. I was a sullen and irritable snarled-up ball of rage and resentment. I spent so much time focusing upon what was going on around me that I had no chance to grow and mature. I was so intent upon changing other people, there was no time left to consider where I might be falling short.

To achieve forward movement in my recovery, to get that momentum in my program, I must focus upon the one person over whom I have some control - me. As long as I am engaged in a sullen enumeration of another's faults, I have lost my focus. When I am "rritable and unreasonable" I am robbing myself and my life of happiness and satisfaction.

When I catch myself engaged in old thinking, I can stop, take a moment, then ask my HP to remove this character defect of petulance, and grant me peace, instead. When I hear what I call the "opening bars" - thoughts about what someone else should not be doing, thinking or saying, I know that I am looking outward, taking someone else's inventory - I can turn instead to the areas of myself that are still in need of further investigation, and a good housecleaning. I pray for patience, tolerance, and peace.

Letting Go Of The String, Too.

Last night at coffee after the meeting, someone spoke of a kite analogy they'd heard used to describe the process of "letting go" - we must release not only the body of the kite itself, but also let go of the string. It does me no good to let the body of the kite rise away from me, if I've still got the string wrapped in a stranglehold around my neck.

This, as so often happens, is precisely what I most needed to hear right now. I've been watching myself trying to turn something over, and even though I sincerely desire the freedom I know I'll get when I achieve this, I can't quite manage to let go of that string. Or I let go, it falls from my hand to drag along the ground right in front of me, and I stoop to pick it up "just for a moment," and pretty soon, I'm in that same uncomfortable position of having my arm yanked up, with my shoulder aching from the constant pull.

Letting go of most of something, or almost letting go, or partly letting go, does not work.

I must release my (fearful) grasp, and watch the kite sail out of my reach, body, tail, string and all, come what may. I must be willing to lose sight of it completely, trusting that my HP will look after me. I must be willing to stop straining to see it - resolutely turn and walk in the opposite direction, opening my heart to gratitude. I pray for the willingness to relinquish my illusion of control. to let go of that string.

Other People's Opinions, Ch 3.

In life, seems like there will always be someone who will  not hesitate to tell me how they believe me to be wrong/mistaken/misguided/blind and/or foolish in my ideas, practises, beliefs, habits. I once was just this sort of person, who felt free to offer my opinions to all who would stand still long enough to listen. I justified unkindness as "just my opinion." 

Al-Anon has taught me to use the acronym THINK:

Is it Timely? Is this something that shouldn't be brought up in the present situation, ie, in front of a group of people, but dealt with at a later date, when the two of us are alone together?

Is it Honest? Self-explanatory - am I being truthful?

Is it Intolerant? Am I being judgemental?

Is it Necessary? Can I use this opportunity to practise letting go?

Is it Kind? What is my motive for saying what I'm about to say? Will it hurt someone? Then don't say it.

I can't control how another person behaves, but I don't have to substitute their judgement for my own. If I know that I'm doing a good job, that's enough. I don't have to take it personally when someone is critical of me, because I know from my own experience of being that same critical person, that it arose from deep insecurities. 

I've learned to use some noncommittal phrases:

"Oh, yeah."  (said not in a challenging tone, but with a sort of mild disinterest.)

"Isn't that something!"

"You could be right."  This last is hugely powerful in its ability to disarm someone who is riled up about whatever it is. It validates their opinion or attitude without agreeing to it, or submitting to it.

There's a critic in any crowd. I pray for serenity in the face of criticism, and the ability to learn from the constructive variety.

Resisting Manipulation.

We teach other people how to treat us. This painful truth can be a lesson I must learn time and again with regard to some of the alcoholics in my life.

It can be a matter of remaining polite and cheerful while the other person is settled in for a long siege of mind games, emotional withdrawal and/or ignoring, in an effort to make me do what they want, in response to my having stated firmly and courteously that I am not going to do ____ anymore.

So, how to resist this sort of manipulation? I focus upon my own program, work with my sponsees, and use prayer and meditation to increase my conscious contact with my Higher Power. I need that conscious contact to keep myself in balance, and be able to maintain my boundaries.

I also don't do anymore what I once did - bring the topic up repeatedly, trying to explain again my feelings, decisions, and reasons for my choices. I try my very best to say it once, then step back, and let it go. Turn it over. Turn them over. Don't keep going over and poking them with my words, trying to control them, wanting them to respond differently.

Let them do whatever they are going to do, and don't provide them with an audience for their tantrums and head games by wandering around the house following them, like a puppy trying to make amends after a scolding. If someone turns their back to me when I'm speaking, I stop talking, and walk away. If I were to stay and continue speaking to their back, I'm enabling that rudeness.

If I agree to have conversations during which the other person is playing head games with me, I'm enabling those mind games.

I'm realising that I still have some areas of life in which I can be manipulated through fear, and financial security is a big one for me, as it is for many of us. This is on my mind a lot lately, this fear, and every time it arises, I have been turning it over to my Higher Power, and then letting it go. It's all out of my hands anyway, so why would I torture myself with it?

I desire peace, and the way to peace for me, is through staying in the moment, because in the moment, I have everything I need, and through prayer and meditation. I need to be willing to do what I don't want to do - let go of my fear of financial security and believe that I am in my HP's care. I also need to be willing to stick to that which I know is best for me, regardless of how scary that may feel right now.

I need to feel my fear, and then turn that over, too. I pray for courage, for peace, for acceptance.

Three C's And Letting Go

I was wandering through my blog stats yesterday for the first time in months, and it's interesting to discover that the most read post continues to be the first one I wrote about the "three C's" - "I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it."

In that one sentence are encapsulated two of the most powerful tools in 12-Step:

surrender,
                and
                       acceptance.

When I finally reach a place of understanding of just how far beyond my simple human power is the devastation and pain of this disease of alcoholism, that's surrender. I look at the world around me, I look at the suffering alcoholic, and I surrender to my powerlessness. I sink to my knees in defeat, and I say "I give up."

 I was raised to never give up - "winners never quit, quitters never win," and that may hold true for many human endeavors, but for the disease of alcoholism, it is only when we surrender and admit to our complete powerlessness that we win our freedom. 

I didn't cause the alcoholic to drink, or if sober, to behave atrociously - what they do is on their plate, and my plate is a separate piece of crockery.

I can't control a single aspect of their thinking, choices, or behavior, and when I've been caught up in trying to coerce or manipulate, I have been sunk in a particular form of insanity - a frustrated misery. When I let go of the notion that it is anything to do with me, when I step back and detach, my Higher Power has a chance to work in my life. We can't both steer my life, it's either my HP steers, or I steer, and I don't have the greatest record when it comes to driving my life.

I can't cure it. Nothing I can do will make a lasting change - real change for the alcoholic must come from within them. They have their own walk of surrender and acceptance.

Often the most loving thing I can do is get out of someone's way.  Even when I see the cliff approaching. Even when I know the brakes are faulty. Even when I've seen this crash before.

Detachment is a loving form of surrender and acceptance. I pray for detachment with love.

Setting Boundaries and Turning It (And Them) Over.

Major life decisions can start out with a mild unease, building slowly over a long period of time, to become an ever-present ache in the heart and soul.

Setting a boundary with another person can feel like an impossiblity, if we are terrified of what that boundary-setting might cause to happen. When I consider the outcome of setting a boundary, and get wound up in awfulising and fearing the future, I'm a lot less likely to set it and maintain it.

I was listening to an Al-Anon speaker I really like, Ellen C, and she spoke of how so many co-dependents will draw a line in the sand, and say, "See this line? You better not step over this line, or something bad is going to happen, and you won't like it!"
Of course the alcoholic promptly stomps all over that line. So what do we often do? We move back a few feet, and say "Okay, here's a new line - you better not cross this line, buster!"

Stomp stomp stomp. Glare.

We move back a few feet and start drawing another new line...stomp stomp...another new line even further back...and we do this over and over and over again.

I was thinking about that this afternoon, and could absolutely see where I've done this with the main alcoholic in my life. I've done that same backing up and backing up and backing up that so many of us do, until we're standing on our tiptoes on about a half inch of land, and they've got the entire rest of it, 40 acres to roam around in, while we're pushing up against the fence with the cows on the other side trying to bite the parts of us being shoved through the fence holes, and then we wonder why they don't respect us or our boundaries?

If I move my boundaries at the slightest sign of someone else's displeasure or anger or hurt or whatever they use to manipulate me, the bad news is that I have no boundaries - it's like trying to keep livestock contained with toilet paper strung from post to post - and then feeling all resentful and frustrated that the darn cows got out again. 

I'm faced with an understanding about how my own desire for control, and my fear, has caused me to move my boundaries in one area of my life right back to the fenceline. And then I've complained and whined about having to stand on my tiptoes, with no room to move around. I've backed myself into this corner.

Setting a new boundary has already caused a lot of flack - fury, resentment, ignoring, and nastiness - all of which have worked in the past, to cause me to relent and move back a few steps. But this time, it's maintain the boundary, or leave the relationship - the only choices left to me. And I've made my peace with both of them. I'm willing to accept whatever outcome results, because I've turned it all over to my HP.

I've let go. Completely. And the relief is so overwhelming, I cannot tell you what it feels like. It brings tears to my eyes to have finally said - "No more - it's your thing, you deal with it, I'm going to be busy doing what I need to do for me."

Ellen C also said, that when we do the right thing for us, it's also the right thing for the other person, too. They may not be able to see that, we may not be able to see that, but our Higher Power has a longer perspective.