Eaten Up With Anxiety.

My poor little dog has really been through the mill lately - first with the operation to have the lump removed from his leg, and then with a big hot spot on his nether regions. Half an hour after the cone was removed, he'd chewed himself a big raw spot, oozing blood. I was horrified, and he was anxious and distressed.
I got some calming pills, and a skin spray, and that seems to be working.

I got this dog from a pet store, before there was much education about where pet store puppies usually originate - puppy mills. He has always been a bit on the anxious side, and is a high-energy little dog. I think 3 weeks of not being able to express that energy in walks, or on the treadmill, because he had to be kept quiet to allow the rather large incision in his leg to heal properly, also played a part in the hot spot.

We're going for our usual Sunday afternoon walk with a program friend in a couple of hours, and I'm looking forward to it. She's great company, and we've been helpful to each other; we offer an alternative point of view, give encouragement, and we make each other laugh. That's a gift. I've learned more good life lessons through having them presented with humour, than any other way.

Last night I was looking at my little dog, and thinking about the destructive effect of stress and anxiety upon all of us, human and animal alike. I've had times in my life where I too, have been consumed with anxiety, with no ability to get out of that state. I was too proud to admit to what I was feeling, and too stubborn to be willing to try living my life differently. I had to be brought to my knees by a drinking alcoholic before I would accept help.

That was the first time. Since that capitulation to reality, I've had others. I've been having one in the last while which has been difficult to choke down, and resistance has been rising and falling with my moods. Someone joked at a meeting recently about "the three D's - Denial, Delusion, Defensive."

Life is not always as I would wish it to be. I must let go of my denial, and face facts squarely, without flinching, without complaint, without fear. It is what it is.
I must give up my delusions about having any control in so many areas of my life. I'm not the one in charge - my Higher Power is.
I must let go of my defensiveness, and sit quietly, that I may be in a teachable frame of mind. I need to be willing to let it all go.

I pray for the continued ability to practise this.

Awareness, Acceptance, Action.

I become aware, when I am willing to hear another point of view. If each time I am presented with an idea which doesn't mesh closely with my own, I shut down and refuse to listen, I will not learn.

 At this stage, I don't have to do anything but listen. When I say, "Ok, I'll hear it, but that's all I'm going to do right now," I allow the other person to speak their piece, and I'm not having to try to listen, through the clamoring of my internal dialogue offering up arguments in rebuttal. I'm listening - that's the agreement at that stage - you speak, I listen, no promises either way. We'll see; I'll think about it, and get back to you. I'll hear how you feel, and take it on board for further consideration.

I become aware, when realisation dawns that my "way" isn't working for me anymore. Perhaps a coping mechanism which has served me well for many years, has become obsolete, or is now obstructive to my maturity. I become aware, and I can sit with that awareness for a time, until my ego quiets down, and I can relax into my new awareness. Awareness may be gradual or shockingly sudden. It may bring with it sorrow and grieving, or it may make me burst into laughter. Either way, I choose awareness over the alternative.

Acceptance comes through several doors. There's the door marked: "It is what it is, and nothing on earth can change it, so why waste energy protesting?"
There's a door with the label: "Isn't this wild? Can you believe you didn't see this before now?'
There's yet another door: "Things that aren't what they seem."

I've come to understand that it doesn't matter how the acceptance arrives. At one stage of my life, I'd get so hung up on which door it came through, that the thing itself, the acceptance, was pushed aside for a while - this is a procrastination technique.

When I can make room for acceptance, without fussing about how it enters my life, I have greater serenity, and my sense of humour reasserts itself. When I reach for acceptance, draw it into my arms and give it a big warm hug, I am flooded with  peaceful feelings. I can breathe more deeply: see wtih clarity: have compassion for others, and myself. Acceptance is a powerful force for change in my life.

I used to leapfrog over awareness and acceptance, directly into action. I acted on impulse, without restraint, with little forethought, with that frantic sense of wanting to do something, anything, to force my will, or relieve my pain.

I don't do that anymore. I reason things out with someone else, and I get feedback from my sponsor, my program friends, my Higher Power. If I'm not sure, I'll let it go for another while, to see if perhaps that's all the action required - just to let go.

 "Awareness, Acceptance, Action" is a shorthand reminder, of a great wisdom. I pray for the ability to hear, accept, and use this wisdom, in my daily life.

"Shouldn't You Be Able To Avoid A Meltdown, If You've Been In Al-Anon For Some Time?"

Good question. I can and do, if I keep my focus firmly upon myself, and detach from the alcoholic craziness.

If.

I've heard long-term members in Al-Anon talk as if they soar serenely above the fray in all circumstances, in all areas, never having the slightest upset or annoyance, and if they aren't exaggerating even slightly, I applaud and respect them.

I can't do that. I backslide. I forget. I become hungry, lonely, or overtired, or my temper rises, and, I fail to catch myself at the "stop and detach" stage of the proceedings, and instead, I go with my annoyance, and pretty soon I'm on that gerbil wheel running like a mad thing, completely unaware that this is what I'm doing.

Now, I grant you, that these times are few and far between, because I have long experience in program, am surrounded by friends who also practise program, and work to immerse myself in the wisdom of Al-Anon. But it does happen now and then.

I've given up shaming myself for it. It is what it is. Once I realise that I've been doing this, it only prolongs the agony, to then pick up a mental cudgel and begin to belabor myself with gusto, telling myself I should have done this, and I should have known that, and what is the matter with me, that I would still climb onto the gerbil wheel of obsessive thinking when I've been in Al-Anon for so many years, blah blah...doing that only made me feel much worse.

I've learned to sigh, laugh, and feel a powerful gratitude for the serenity of today, off that wheel. I've learned to do an inventory, searching for my character defect which came into play in this particular instance, and ask my Higher Power to remove it. I work to figure out what was the precipitating factor, in the hopes that when a similar event arises in the future, I can be aware: I can accept: I can respond differently.

That's all I can do, and I can do all of that.

Living With Crazy People

There's a well-known speaker in AA and Al-Anon, by the name of Father Tom W. He's a Jesuit priest, with an amusing and insightful message - you can find free downloads on the internet at various sites. (If you have trouble finding a free download, you can email me and I'll send you some links.)

I've been listening to a series of his Al-Anon talks titled "Living With Crazy People." It's helped me to reorient myself, and today, I realise that I'm not the only member of this household who is living with a lunatic. My husband is also living with a crazy person. I need to remember that.

When I begin to feel frustrated and annoyed with his "isms," I need to remember that I have "isms" of my own. I have my own insanity. The reason I chose the title of this blog, was because it is only when I view my world through an Al-Anon filter, that I am able to let go of my ego, and be more of the person I want to be.

When my ego is driving, I might get a few minutes wild exciting ride, but the end of that trip is a fast collision with a hard tree. When my Higher Power is driving, it's a slower drive, but I arrive safely.

The problem as I see it, is that any time I try to start a struggle for the steering wheel, my HP just lets go -  doesn't even try to keep driving, just moves out of the way immediately, saying, "Right, then - you carry on, and call me if you need me."

Bang! Head-on into the tree of reality I smash. I am a crazy person. I may be a crazy person with some Al-Anon sanity, but at my core, I am barking mad. I forget this at my peril.

Start again. Step One: admit my powerlessness. Step Two: know that my HP can restore me to sanity. Step Three: agree to let my HP drive for a while.

I can be a slow learner, but I do come around eventually, and I'm grateful for that.

Setting Boundaries - Again.

Mr. SponsorPants has a post today on how to deal with unwanted attention from a member of the opposite sex, in a 12-Step group.
I've learned that for me, in this situation, direct is best. In one town in which we lived, a man began attending my home group meeting of Al-Anon, which was composed largely of women; it was a small group at the time, maybe 8-10 regulars. This gentleman had recently moved to town.
At his second or third meeting, as we sat chatting before it began, he spoke up to say that where he used to live, everyone hugged goodbye after the meeting, and that he missed this, and wanted to suggest that we adopt this custom. Some women at the meeting blanched visibly at this suggestion, and an uncomfortable silence fell. Finally someone spoke up to say that she was willing to try this, and see how it went, and the rest all half-heartedly agreed. This guy made every woman in the room uncomfortable, but he was forceful, and somehow he contrived to suggest that by not hugging him, we were being unwelcoming to a newcomer to our meeting, and none of us wanted to do that. (This is sooooo co-dependent!)

When the meeting concluded, and the last word of the Serenity Prayer was said, half the people in the room leapt for the door - it was like one of those old comedies, where a clot of people are all fighting to be the first out the door, arms and legs waving madly, then poof! they all disappear. Those of us left were hugged by this guy, who plastered himself against us, and hugged us for far too long. Out in the parking lot, I said to my sponsor, "I am NOT going to do that again. Ever." She fervently agreed.
At the next meeting, when he came in, he came over and wanted to hug hello, starting with me - I held one hand up like a traffic cop, and said, "I'm not comfortable hugging you, and I'm not going to." Every woman within earshot turned and said the same thing, one after another. We all took our seats, and when it was his turn to share, he brought this up, and spoke of how he felt slighted, he felt unwelcome, he felt emotionally distressed by this, he felt...
The chairperson gently interrupted him, saying that this was not an appropriate topic for the meeting, and perhaps we could discuss it afterwards, if anyone else wished to.

This time when the meeting ended, he sat back down and announced that he wanted to discuss the hugging issue. Everyone else sat down also, and there was a feeling of anger simmering in the room, from him, and from some of us.

When it was my turn to speak, I said that I was not comfortable hugging a man I didn't know, and that I didn't have an obligation to hug him simply because he was attending the meeting. I tried to be as courteous and kind as possible, but I made it clear that if he was upset by this, it was his problem, not mine. Every woman at the table gave her own version of this message.

The one man attending that night, said that he'd be happy to give the guy a hug, if he just needed a hug. (For some reason, this was not received with gratitude.)
This guy never did come back to our meeting. Even so, we decided we needed to have a group conscience to deal with this issue. The woman who had originally spoken up to say she was willing to try the hugging thing was apologising like mad to the rest of us, but we knew that each and every one of us had put aside what we wanted, and acquiesed to something we didn't want, in order not to have to deal with the discomfort of saying: "No."

I'm not responsible for anyone else's feelings. I have a right to safety in my physical and emotional life. In order to achieve that safety, I must be willing to take whatever action will accomplish this for myself, and not wait for someone else to save me.

Decisions

I had the interesting experience recently, of speaking with a friend about a decision I'd made, and as we spoke, I began to doubt myself. I had to take some deep breaths, relax, and remind myelf that this had not been a spur-of-the-moment conclusion; my growth in Al-Anon has been ever propelling me in that direction.

It was a clear demonstration of the way I can still be persuaded to act against my own best interests, if I'm not paying attention.

There may be intervals in our lives when our decisions are going to be wildly unpopular, and people around us are not going to be able to grasp our reasons. We don't need to justify or explain, no matter how strongly another person pushes for an explanation or a "good reason." When we've been patient, given it deep thought,  had an open mind about our choices, and come to a conclusion that we know is right for us, we can let go of what another person thinks we should do instead.

They aren't inside our lives - they may never be able to comprehend what has gone into our decision. We may be puncturing a picture they've always had, of what our lives are, and that's what they are protesting - the dismantling of an impression they've carried, and from which, in some instances, they may have deriven comfort. We aren't responsible for that.

We need to do what is best for us. I pray for the strength to follow through on my decisions; for the willingness to listen to another point of view, but not to let it supersede my own.

Great News on The Canine Front.

The vet called a short time ago, and the lump removed from my little dog's leg was benign. I'm thrilled, delighted, relieved. He will be wearing his collar for another 10 days, because of his insisting upon removing his own stitches before it was time, but just knowing it wasn't cancer....what else can I say?

I want to thank all of you who wrote and offered your encouragement, love and support, it was wonderfully comforting.