Where Does The Time Go?

It goes wherever I spend it. I can be a miser with my time, only portioning out the smallest of amounts to my recovery, my friendships, my dogs, my art - or I can be lavish.

I prefer lavish. I prefer hours spent on program - lost in communion with a sponsee, or program friends, exploring the boundless depths of Al-Anon: reasoning things out with someone else (until we are at best, satisfied, or at least, more serene and relaxed) discussing the fact that even when we don't feel like we are getting anywhere, we still are, and isn't that hysterical, the way we _____?

When I decide to be lavish with my time, I feel enriched, invigorated, alive. We get back what we give to life. If I'm stingy with my time and my love, I will find the world feels stingy in return. When I'm caught up in protecting myself, avoiding knowledge which will require me to change to accomodate it, or any of the other myriad of methods I've used, to get in my own way in life, I may be telling myself that I'm focusing on myself, but the truth is, I'm really only navel-gazing.

There's a difference. Navel-gazing is self-absorption, which interferes with my ability to recognise my character defects, and my self-defeating behavior, with any detachment or accuracy. My self-absorption usually has a strong taint of self-pity in the mix, and that's not healthy for me. It may feel good for a little while, but it's what a friend calls "a fast ride to nowhere, in a rocking chair."

Yes, I can only know what I know, and be as enlightened as I am, at this one moment. But I am not sentenced to a lifetime of those limitations; Al-Anon offers an ever-deeper understanding of life and of myself, if I only step forward and hold out my hand to receive that gift being held out to me.

I pray for the courage, in the coming year, to spend of myself and my time with a gleeful lack of restraint, and with a generosity of heart. My Higher Power is in charge of restocking.

Immaturity

I've heard it said that an alcoholic will stop maturing emotionally, at approximately the same age they began to drink. I have seen ample proof of this - men and women who are in middle age, yet act as though they'd never made it past puberty. They can be champion sulkers, have trouble with authority figures, be stubborn in self-defeating ways, all manner of childish behavior.

This can be one of the most infuriating issues with which those who love them, we co-dependents, have to deal. Some days, I could be a public service ad for the way Al-Anon helps us to mature - I keep my cool, I repeat what I have to say calmly and clearly until I am heard ( broken record) I detach with love. Other days, I do not manage it near so well. I become irritated and begin to get sucked into the circular reasoning, and I feel self-pityingly angry that I'm still dealing with this, at my age! It's not fair! (now that is a child's cry, if ever I've heard one)

I backslide, I lose my focus, I just can't cope with it. Tonight, I arrived home after having been out doing a favour for the alcoholic, feeling exhausted, cold and wet. I wanted to be met with care and concern - being met with another demand before I'd even taken off my coat and shoes felt intolerable - and I said so, knowing as I spoke, that I'd probably be punished for this later on with an angry outburst on some other topic.

True to form, this did take place. I was hungry, angry, lonely and tired. I sat on a kitchen chair, feeling completely done in - emptied out, with nothing to give myself, or anyone else. I thought of my having agreed to meet a sponsee for coffee and a talk in a few hours, and wished I could stay home and collapse. I forced myself into the shower, made a salad I didn't have time to eat, shoved it into the fridge for later, and off I went to meet my sponsee.

I drove to the coffeehouse feeling sad, exhausted, self-pitying, irritated, and probably "unreasonable without knowing it." But I love this woman I was going to meet - she has a delicious sense of humour, and a kind heart, so I knew I'd feel better after being with her for a while. I knew we'd cover lots of ground, and it would all be good. And it was, of course, in the way it always is - we receive a thousand times more than we ever give to those we sponsor, if they only knew it.

I drove home 2 hours later, feeling immense gratitude. I was going home to a delicious salad (mandarin orange slices, mmmm!) which I was going to eat in a warm room with two beautiful canine companions. My alcoholic may be relatively new to AA - but he is there, and he's working his program as best he can - there's hope in my home.

When I'm hungry/angry/lonely/tired, life's problems can feel monumental. I can feel as if there is no way on earth for me to manage or surmount them. Self-care isn't just bubblebaths and manicures.

Self-care is not allowing the view of the world which presents itself to us when we are at our lowest point, to be accepted as the one and only truth.

Clouded Thinking.

My thinking is clouded when I am in denial about my character defects. When I'm convinced that my way of thinking, seeing, relating, acting, feeling, is the one and only correct way, I have lost my ability to keep an open mind.

Yesterday's reading in Courage to Change, is about this - getting stuck in the closed-minded rigid belief that we are right, and the other person is wrong. I like this:

"I don't have to invalidate anyone else's views in order to validate my own. It's all right to disagree. Today I will respect someone's right to think differently."

and this quote from Voltaire:

"Think for yourself, and let others enjoy the privilege of doing so too."

Many people become defensive if offered a view different from their own - I know I did this for many years in Al-Anon. I don't know where it happened, but somewhere along my road to freedom, I let go of that. I can make my point, and hear the other person say that they firmly believe the exact opposite, and it's ok. It no longer feels like a challenge that I must meet and a fight I must win, it's only their opinion, in the same way that it's only mine.

I'm grateful to have received this gift from working the Steps, because it means that I don't lose my serenity when I discover that someone doesn't think as I do - I can be good friends with those with whom it might be said that I have nothing in common at all, but our shared committment to 12-Step, yet how marvellously we get along, and what wonderful far-reaching conversations we can have. I take that somewhat for granted, I think, until it's pointed out to me again, and then I marvel at the way this program unites us, even with all of our differences. That, when I stop to consider it, is purely amazing.

Let It Begin With Me, Ch 2.

We're going to a dinner party this evening, at the home of friends we've made since we moved down here. We will be leaving early, so that we can each go to our meetings - a newcomer took the key to open up for my home group this week, and I don't want to leave them sitting all by themselves - attendance can be rather sparse this time of year. I think of this quote from Al-Anon:

"When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, let the hand of Al-Anon always be there, and Let It Begin With Me."

I remember my own gratitude, when I was new to program, and living with active alcoholism, that meetings still took place during the holiday season, Those meetings were an hour of sanity and peace - a needed respite from a wildly chaotic home life.

People not in program don't understand, and I don't expect them to. They say, "You can miss a meeting for once, can't you? Especially this time of year?"

I reply, "Actually, no, especially not this time of year."

When I was new, living with active alcoholism, in such awful pain and distress - when I reached out for help, the hand of Al-Anon was always there.

Long-time members left their families and friends for a while, on Christmas Eve, or Christmas day, and went to a meeting.

They drove through bad weather, and holiday traffic: went in to the halls or churches, stamping their feet and shivering with cold, greeting each other with gusto and delight, set up chairs and tables, books and pamphlets, so that when I, (and others just like me) came hesitantly into the room, in the hopes of finding a meeting, we were met with warmth and love - the hand of Al-Anon.

My first year, I was unsure of how it worked, and arrived at the rec centre, wondering if I was going to find a locked room, as I walked down the seemingly endless corridor, to the last room on the right - the door was closed, and had no window - I couldn't tell if it was occupied, or not.

I will remember to my final days, the gush of tears, and the sob which escaped me, when I was halfway down the hall, heard a burst of laughter, and then the door swung open, and out came a woman carrying a coffeepot, heading for the kitchen a few rooms away. She was wearing a Santa hat, a piece of tinsel as a scarf, and she greeted me by calling, "I hope you brought your appetite, girl, there's enough Christmas baking in that room to collapse a table!"

She disappeared into the kitchen, and I ducked into the women's washroom, to get a grip on myself.

After I'd washed my face in cold water, (while telling myself that my eyes didn't really look like little boiled tomatoes they were so red,) I went into the meeting room.

Someone plopped a Santa hat onto my head, another member gave me a tinsel scarf, a third handed me a paper plate, a napkin, and gave a gentle push towards the baking table.

I walked around it, mopping up my tears with my napkin or my sleeve cuff, feeling a gratitude I cannot even begin to describe. I wasn't used to being loved "in a very special way," but even then, so new to Al-Anon, I understood that these women were demonstrating the love and generosity of the Al-Anon program at work in their lives.

Those women, and what them being there that day, meant to me - a lonely desperate newcomer - are one reason that I will be leaving tonight's party early, to attend the Al-Anon meeting.

"When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, let the hand of Al-Anon always be there, and Let It Begin With Me."

My Higher Power's Fingerprints Are All Over That.

When I got this computer built for me, I asked for a very fast media program to be installed, because I do a lot of burning of 12-Step speaker cds, for both my, and my husband's, sponsees. His tend to be in rather shaky financial situations if they are newly sober, and might not have their own computer- so they appreciate the AA cds as a resource. When they're having a hard time in the small hours of the night, and don't want to wake someone up, they can put in a cd, and hear program wisdom and humour. It's great to be able to laugh at 4am, when you cannot sleep, and your demons are stirring in their various closets.

One of my husband's sponsees sent a gift for me, home with him last night  - as a thankyou for the cds I've made and shared. When I opened it, I said,

"Oh, you told him how I feel about these, eh?"

"No, no, I didn't, I didn't know he was getting you anything."

There was a short pause while I scarfed a chocolate, and my husband thought, then he laughed, and said:

"His Higher Power told him."

What I find delightful about this little incident, is - I'm not much of a chocolate lover. My spouse can bring home a massive box of mixed chocolates, and I can easily look them over, and not find one that appeals to me. I can buy a chocolate orange, eat one piece, and find it too sweet.

But these, these chocolate seashells with a truffle centre, are a mad passion - I'm crazy for them. I admire their beauty of design, and I adore the taste. I don't know what it is about them, but they are a special love of mine, and a little treat of the holiday season.

A couple of days ago, when we were out grocery shopping, my husband said, "Why don't you get yourself a box of those seashells?" and I found myself replying, "Not yet."

He laughed, and asked what on earth I meant by that? I said I didn't know, but I just didn't want them yet.

Last night, when I opened the present from his sponsee, and saw the box of chocolate seashells, my eyes filled with tears and I got one of those big lumps in my throat - it was so perfect, and so beautiful, that his sponsee had given me those  chocolates as a thankyou gift.

My Higher Power is always working in my life, and when I'm open to it, I see his fingerprints everywhere - on large issues, and on the smallest, most tender of sharings between those of us touched by alcoholism, and fighting our way back.

Bless you all.

Come Dance With Me.

Sorry for the break in blogging; for some reason, the business has been insanely busy, and so have I, with sponsees and various other obligations. I've been getting up, running like a chicken doing the headless dance, and then falling into bed at night, thinking, "Oh, I forgot to do that again, today!"

This time of year can be difficult for families and friends of alcoholics. (I do so like to state the obvious.) In my early years in Al-Anon, I swung wildly between a manic determination to "enjoy Christmas," and a debilitating despair. Some of the holidays that were most dreadful to live through, have become the funniest to recount.

At the coffeeshop after a recent meeting, we were telling "horrors of Christmas past" stories, and howling with laughter. Before Al-Anon, the humour would have escaped us, because we'd have been mired in the pain.

Holidays with an alcoholic in the family, (or a family of alcoholics,) can have us feeling like a Thompson's gazelle surrounded by hungry lionesses, all staring us down - licking their lips and switching their tails.

What recourse do we have? Use your program. Believe our fellow members, and your sponsor when they say "Call me if you need to talk."

Remember this slogan:  How Important Is It?

My first sponsor offered me a helpful way to evaluate the importance of an event: will I remember this in a week? a month? a year from now? If I won't, how much energy am I willing to expend on it?

I can compromise, if I'm not allowing anyone to trespass my boundaries in the process. I can step back, detach, take a deep breath, and let go. I can ask my Higher Power to help me. I can lower my expectations, and allow my life to flow gently through the holidays, instead of first attempting to direct the traffic, and then becoming infuriated by my lack of control over other people. That's how I dealt with the holidays before Al-Anon. Now, I can let it happen around me, and maintain my serenity.

When we both forget our anniversary, I can find it amusing, rather than distressing.

When we get parcels from my spouse's family with precisely the sort of thing they know we have no use for, and don't want, (I know this because they've asked why don't we have _____, and we've said, "Oh, we don't really like those," or "I can't stand dusting all those little china ornaments" and promptly received little china ornaments as gifts for the succeeding 15 years) accompanied by notes which could be found on Passive Aggressive Notes - I can shrug and be grateful they live on the other end of the country, and we don't have to get caught up in the unhealthy sibling competition, active drinking, and unmanageability, rampant in that family.

When I let go, I don't get upset by changes in plan. I don't take changes personally; I don't allow other people's stress to trigger mine.

I know that this time of year is frustrating and painful for many people, so I do what I can. I attend more meetings, so that when members are having a hard time of it with family, and escape to a meeting for a sanity check, there is a meeting to escape to, and they won't find a locked door and no lights.

 I believe strongly in giving back to this wonderful loving program which has been my lifesaver for so many years.

"We Couldn't Possibly Do That For You."

I was a very angry and unhappy person when I came into Al-Anon, and when frustrated, I was not pleasant company. Yesterday, on the hunt for a replacement part, I had one of those encounters which used to set my teeth on edge, and cause my temper to rise; often, before program, I'd have been rude, and justified my rudeness by my level of frustration. Nowadays, these sorts of encounters are wonderfully funny.

I'd called a store here in town, to save myself a trip, and was assured that yes, they had that precise part for which I was looking. When I walked into the store, 4 employees, who had been leaning on the counters, fiddling with already perfect displays, etc, almost tackled each other to get to me first - I think they were bored senseless with nothing to do, and no customers to serve. The winner slid into place right in front of his co-worker, who turned away with a disgruntled look.

I presented my old broken part, and said my bit about how I'd phoned, and been told they had one in stock. He went into the stock room for a moment, then came out and announced that they didn't have one that size. Well, maybe they did have one, in the far back of the store where so-and-so works, but he didn't know.

I asked if perhaps he could go look, I'd be most grateful?

He stated firmly, "We couldn't possibly do that for you; we're  far too busy right now."

My eyebrows rose in surprise, and I couldn't help myself, I snuck a glance over to where the other 3 employees were once again lounging about, watching us with that same thousand-mile stare, of kids watching cartoons. I was still the only customer in the store.

He read the question in my raised eyebrows, and stated even more firmly, "This is just a temporary lull."

I had to bite down hard on my lower lip, in my efforts to contain the laughter trying to escape. I think he must have understood that neither statement had exactly resonated with the sound of truth, because he flushed slightly, and said again, "This is the Christmas season, and we're swamped with work, we can't go rummaging around in the back to find something we might not even have in stock!"

He turned to glare at his co-workers, who immediately leapt to attention and began rushing around, giving snappy little directives to each other, and looking extremely hardworking and busy - it was like a stage play come to life: "Small business with harried employees."

By this point, I was barely in control of myself, and think I must have looked a sight, as I fought with my facial muscles to regain control - you know the kind of wierd facial contortions we humans make when we are fighting a laughing fit - strange chewing motions, nostrils flaring, convulsive swallowing. I agreed that this was the busiest time of year for most merchants, thanked him nicely, and made it out of the store, and into my car, before the giggling fit got me.

I've been laughing about it ever since - once that poor guy had made his first silly statement, he felt he had to carry it through, no matter where that road led.

I'm grateful to Al-Anon, for having given me the ability to see these sorts of encounters with fellow human beings as Monty Python-ish, rather than annoying. If viewed as an excellent bit of silliness, they are an antidote to grey and rainy weather, stressful situations, all sorts of things. I'm delighted to have become a happy person, who can see the humour in almost everything. It's true what the Promises state; we will laugh more.