Gossip or Criticism.

I belong to a couple of garden websites, and when I haven't been on in a while, will go back and wander around on them, only to be reminded why it is that I haven't been on in a while. I cannot stomach the way folks speak to each other - it's depressing.
Rampant gossip, mean-spirited commentary, outright rudeness, insults - people are people, wherever they are.

Reminds me of why I love program so much - we make a concerted effort to be kind and loving to one another, even when we are at opposite ends of a discussion. We allow for alternate viewpoints. Not just allow, we welcome them, for in hearing the experience, strength and hope of someone else, do I find solutions I wouldn't have come to on my own.

I'm doing a Step Four right now, and am having some realisations which are taking a bit of time to digest, but as always with this Step, I can feel that if I keep going, being as honest as I can be, I will emerge, amazed and delighted, on the other side of it.
Hope your weekend is giving you pleasure.

Practise These Principles In All Our Affairs.

Al-Anon doesn't do me much good if I pick and choose where I'm going to put it into practise. Program works best when I embrace it wholeheartedly: give up my excuses, rationalisations, justifications,
and work to make the principles a part of my daily, hourly, life.

Am I kind enough? Am I honest enough? Forthright? Direct? Dependable? Relible?

When I'm making assumptions and judgements about another person's thinking, feelings, or motives, what is my motivation? Not kindness, I know that. Irritation and frustration can cause me to shift my thinking from an Al-Anon viewpoint to a selfish tunnel vision.

When I'm seized with an urge to be rude or dismissive, do I have sufficient self-control to recognise that urge for what it is, and step back long enough to understand that if I'm going to regret it, I do myself a favour if I choose another way?

If I want to receive it, I must be willing to give it. First, and with no expectations. I must be willing to hand over a huge chunk of loving kindness for no other reason than to give the tired stressed-out person in front of me, a gift I have received many times.

When I practise these principles in all my affairs, I feel light-hearted, joyful, and filled with hope.

Becoming Socialised.

I've been feeling grateful to program lately, for having had such a profound effect upon me, that I've been able to make some friends here, after only a few months.

Before program, I wasn't socialised very well. I was fearful of new people, I didn't trust anyone as far as I could throw them, and being alone felt like the safest place for me. I was lonely, but didn't know how to break through my loneliness to extend or receive social invitations.

Al-Anon has given me a wealth of positive experiences with loving people, upon which to draw. I have a better self-image, so I'm sure I'm quite a bit more pleasant company than I once was, when I was so twisted up with taking myself seriously, and wallowing in martyrdom.

I like this line from the ODAT, page 148:

"I will not allow the good to make me complacent, nor will I allow the not good to drown me in despair."

That seems a pretty good recipe for a balanced, enjoyable companion, don't you think?

What's Your Focal Point?

From Hope for Today, page 145:

"Whatever I concentrate on will become central to my life."

What do I want for a focal point in my day? Someone else's character defects?

Written out like that, it sounds so baldly ghastly, yet that is precisely how I've spent many, many days of my life. Preoccupied with my own obsessing: all else discarded, forgotten, or temporarily set aside. I could be indoors or out, it matters not, all that loomed in my view was this focal point of the alcoholic. And their shortcomings.

I didn't spend entire days, weeks, thinking about their positive character traits, although I was capable of recognising those, when not in complete nutcase mode.

For me, obsessing "follows as the night the day," from my inability to stand my ground. (I know I'm most likely boring you all senseless with this particular topic, as I seem to be writing about it a lot lately, but this is what's on my mind.)

Last night, I followed a line of reasoning from the end back to the beginning, and guess where it started? Same old place. Me with my mouth shut. Too tired to speak. Feeling that it was pointless.

I've created a lot of unhappiness for myself over the years by deciding ahead of time that it was pointless to speak up: nothing would change: I'd said it all before, yada yada yada.

I like something I've heard at meetings: "If I don't respect my boundaries, how can I expect the alcoholic to respect them?"

I'd like to add this:

 If I don't respect my own boundaries, I'm going to find myself doing a lot of obsessing.

Finding a Balance.

From Hope for Today, page 144:

"Speaking too little can be as self-defeating as speaking too much."

I can work my program to the best of my ability, but if I am not able to be honest about my feelings during times of contflict and stress, change is unlikely.. I must be willing to speak up, and then suffer the consequences of having spoken - the other person's anger or frustration.

I had an entire day of consequences today, and all I can say about it is - I'm glad that today is over now.

Trusting

When I had lunch with my sponsor this week, she jokingly asked if I was planning to speed up my timeframe when it came to making new friends here?

I've been a person who is slow to trust, very cautious and careful, and as such, I've been lonely when I haven't needed to be. I've been isolated, when there was an abundance of love and support out there, just waiting for me to access it.

My sponsor was proud of me when I told her that no, I'd already begun to make friends. I've chanced rejection, and reached out to ask people if they'd like to spend some time with me, and so far, if anyone has said no, it was a scheduling matter, not a rejection of me as a person.

I can still be surprised at the degree to which my attitude colors my perceptions - when I'm in a postive mood, I can see that I've been lucky in the wonderful folks I've met here, in program, and out. I feel both blessed, and grateful. When I'm feeling down, or stressed, or in HALT, all I can see is that which I don't have here - the security of years spent in a home group: long-term friendships.

I was asked recently, by a person new to program, why is there such an emphasis put upon reading the literature between meetings? My reply was, we forget. Human beings have an incredible ability to forget even the things we want to remember. Reading Al-Anon literature on a daily basis, even with the ODAT, which I have been reading for years now, there will be points that leap out at me, which I recall reading dozens of times, but have promptly gone on to forget.

Daily reading of Al-Anon literature, impresses upon my mind that which is beneficial to my spirit.

Old Habits And Their Peculiar Habit Of Rising Again.

My default mode is to assume the worst - of situations, of people, of machinery, of my Higher Power. It has taken much hard work to achieve a state of mind somewhat opposed to this, but let me be in HALT, or stressed out, and I will click over into that mode without realising.

There, I take everything personally - I could give the mentally ill a run for their money, with my paranoia regarding what this or that "means."  I can spend countless hours engaged in imaginary arguments, and attribute the worst of all possible motives to the most innocent of people. My thinking should be accompanied by spooky music, of the type one hears in old movies, when a dramatic plot twist is on the way.

That's why I'm grateful for the phone lists in Al-Anon, and the members who will take the time out of their day, to have a mini-meeting with those of us who are in need at the time. I never ever say no to a call of this kind - I remember all the times when I was dialing, in desperation, frustration, anger and pain, and within a short time, I'd be back on track, feeling calmed and safe.

I called someone today, and we probably only spoke for not quite ten minutes, but she said the one thing that was essential for me to hear: emphasised that taking it personally is a choice I needn't make. Before the call, I felt unsettled and irritated. After the call, I felt reminded.

MrSponsorPants wrote today about ego. If my ego had been given the reins, I wouldn't have felt able to make that call. And when I stop to consider, a lot of what brings on the state of mind required to take the alcoholic's words and deeds personally, is ego strutting and stomping about.

It's not about me, it just is. It isn't raining to piss me off, it's just raining. The alcoholic isn't behaving in this fashion in order to drive me insane, they are just being themselves, in the grip of their illness.