This is it - my last day in this house - tomorrow, the city! We're both giddy with excitement, the house is a maze of boxes, and there's still some work to be done, so this will be a short post.
I will be offline until the 3rd, when my ip has promised hookup in the new place; as soon as I've got internet, I'll check in. (I hadn't anticipated, when I started this blog, the sense of community I feel with the recovery world online.)
My spouse was joking last night that the dogs have the right idea of how to go about a move - walk around the boxes instead of complaining that they're in the way, don't let the fact that almost everything is packed away stop you from having a good wrestle with your favourite toy, and never miss a chance for a nap.
From the ODAT, page 366:
"Again I resolve to live the coming year One Day At A Time, easing myself of the burdens of the past and the uncertainties of the future. Whatever may come, I will meet it with a serene mind."
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Righteous Indignation.
I just read MrSponsorPants post for today, then sat for a moment, lost in recollection of my own past coping mechanisms.
I was an exceptionally angry woman, when I began attending Al-Anon meetings. I'd had a rough time of it as a kid; I'd been abused in every way possible. I grew into an adult brimming with resentment, and seething with rage. I was furious from the time I awoke until I drifted off to sleep at night, and only the subject of my fury changed; my rage was constant, and it was set on "high."
I was lonely, having been taught from a toddler that people couldn't be trusted. I desired intimacy, and feared it. I couldn't handle letting anyone get too close to me, terrified that they would discern the deeply flawed individual I perceived myself to be, and reject me. I was a strange mixture of no boundaries in some areas, and unassailable battlements in others.
I'll never forget a conversation with my first sponsor. We were in her kitchen, preparing a meal, and talking. (From this vantage point, I'm sure it was more that I was talking, and she was attempting to get a word in edgewise, no easy task when I was at full throttle) I was ranting on about how another person had let me down, and my feelings about this, and when I paused to draw breath, she interjected quickly, "Yes, well, righteous indignation is delicious, but it's not very useful as a way of dealing with the issue..."
I stopped short. I was offended that she would label my feelings as righteous indignation. I was offended that she would suggest that I had anything to do with it, the other person was wrong, couldn't she see that? (Years later, we had a laughing fit over the look on my face, and how she had, with that one gentle comment, completely ruined my enjoyment of righteous indignation for all time. It was just ... never the same afterwards.)
I have a choice. I can choose to work to make my time on earth worthwhile through my own efforts, or I can expect/demand that other people fufill my wants and needs, and pronounce them lacking when they fall short. (I seem to be harping on a theme this week.)
My first sponsor taught me that perspective is everything. Where is my focus? Outside myself, narrowed in to the details of the other person's alleged crimes and misdemeanors? What can I hope to achieve by that? I can't change other people; all I ever managed to do was to make two of us miserable, instead of just me.
I recently ran into someone I hadn't seen in a couple of years. He was furious that his son had asked him not to come over for a while, didn't he have the right to see his grandchildren? Gentle exploration of what had taken place before that request, elicited the information that this guy had become angry about something his son had said to him, and had hurled an object across the room. Narrowly missing one grandchild.
He had no concept of how his own behavior had precipitated the request to stay away - he was too busy feeling righteously indignant about being denied access to his beloved grandchildren.
I asked him, "Does your son have the right to his feelings?"
He replied, "Of course he does!" (frowning at me, for the ridiculousness of the question.)
I asked, "How did you feel when your father became angry and threw things around?"
He looked at me, not wanting to reply - he can't lie in response to that sort of direct question.
Finally, grudgingly, "I hated it. I was afraid of him."
I asked, "Is it possible that your son is feeling that same way about you and your anger?"
Long pause. Really long pause. Then, "Absolutely."
He seemed deflated. I suggested he call his son, make an amend, and take it from there.
After saying goodbye to this gentleman, I couldn't help but relate to the way he had conveniently erased his own unacceptable behavior from his short-term memory, and was only concentrating upon the way he felt his son had wronged him - asking him to stay away. Before Al-Anon, this is just how I operated. It was what kept me from achieving what I wanted most: intimacy with others - close loving friendships, and a healthy marriage.
"We are quick enough at perceiving and weighing what we suffer from others, but we mind not what others suffer from us."
Thomas A'Kempis
I was an exceptionally angry woman, when I began attending Al-Anon meetings. I'd had a rough time of it as a kid; I'd been abused in every way possible. I grew into an adult brimming with resentment, and seething with rage. I was furious from the time I awoke until I drifted off to sleep at night, and only the subject of my fury changed; my rage was constant, and it was set on "high."
I was lonely, having been taught from a toddler that people couldn't be trusted. I desired intimacy, and feared it. I couldn't handle letting anyone get too close to me, terrified that they would discern the deeply flawed individual I perceived myself to be, and reject me. I was a strange mixture of no boundaries in some areas, and unassailable battlements in others.
I'll never forget a conversation with my first sponsor. We were in her kitchen, preparing a meal, and talking. (From this vantage point, I'm sure it was more that I was talking, and she was attempting to get a word in edgewise, no easy task when I was at full throttle) I was ranting on about how another person had let me down, and my feelings about this, and when I paused to draw breath, she interjected quickly, "Yes, well, righteous indignation is delicious, but it's not very useful as a way of dealing with the issue..."
I stopped short. I was offended that she would label my feelings as righteous indignation. I was offended that she would suggest that I had anything to do with it, the other person was wrong, couldn't she see that? (Years later, we had a laughing fit over the look on my face, and how she had, with that one gentle comment, completely ruined my enjoyment of righteous indignation for all time. It was just ... never the same afterwards.)
I have a choice. I can choose to work to make my time on earth worthwhile through my own efforts, or I can expect/demand that other people fufill my wants and needs, and pronounce them lacking when they fall short. (I seem to be harping on a theme this week.)
My first sponsor taught me that perspective is everything. Where is my focus? Outside myself, narrowed in to the details of the other person's alleged crimes and misdemeanors? What can I hope to achieve by that? I can't change other people; all I ever managed to do was to make two of us miserable, instead of just me.
I recently ran into someone I hadn't seen in a couple of years. He was furious that his son had asked him not to come over for a while, didn't he have the right to see his grandchildren? Gentle exploration of what had taken place before that request, elicited the information that this guy had become angry about something his son had said to him, and had hurled an object across the room. Narrowly missing one grandchild.
He had no concept of how his own behavior had precipitated the request to stay away - he was too busy feeling righteously indignant about being denied access to his beloved grandchildren.
I asked him, "Does your son have the right to his feelings?"
He replied, "Of course he does!" (frowning at me, for the ridiculousness of the question.)
I asked, "How did you feel when your father became angry and threw things around?"
He looked at me, not wanting to reply - he can't lie in response to that sort of direct question.
Finally, grudgingly, "I hated it. I was afraid of him."
I asked, "Is it possible that your son is feeling that same way about you and your anger?"
Long pause. Really long pause. Then, "Absolutely."
He seemed deflated. I suggested he call his son, make an amend, and take it from there.
After saying goodbye to this gentleman, I couldn't help but relate to the way he had conveniently erased his own unacceptable behavior from his short-term memory, and was only concentrating upon the way he felt his son had wronged him - asking him to stay away. Before Al-Anon, this is just how I operated. It was what kept me from achieving what I wanted most: intimacy with others - close loving friendships, and a healthy marriage.
"We are quick enough at perceiving and weighing what we suffer from others, but we mind not what others suffer from us."
Thomas A'Kempis
Monday, December 28, 2009
Principles Above Personalities.
From the ODAT, page 362:
"Everything that happens to me as a person, everything that involves my relations with my group, can be ironed out by applying the Al-Anon principles. This lifts all discussion far above the level of personalities and brings about harmonious solutions."
I have found this to be true in all areas of my life. Recently I received an email from an individual who can be somewhat abrasive, but also capable of great kindness and generosity - a prickly sort of person. Before Al-Anon, I'd not have been able to see past the spiky safety barrier, to the fearful person crouched behind it, longing for friendship and connection, but unable to come out from behind their defenses. I'd have seen the defenses as the person, rather than a symptom of their consuming fear.
Through Al-Anon, I have learned that if I put principles above personalitites, I can accept others as they are, without feeling the need to tell them how to improve. I've long since lost that arrogant belief that the world should march to the beat of my personal drum. I've come to understand that much of what bothers me about other people, had/has more to do with my own shortcomings and inability to accept, than any deficiencies on their part.
Where once I searched for reasons to exclude or reject others, (because they didn't measure up to my arbitrary standards, or had hurt my feelings in some way, deliberate or unintended - I too, was a very prickly person at one time) now I find myself searching for ways to include, to welcome, and to give comfort and affectionate support. I no longer act upon my first reactive response. I allow myself to feel it, try not to judge myself for having had it, but I don't take it as the only possible response. I wait it out. I reconsider. I examine my motives. I ask myself: Is this kind? Is this necessary? Would I wish to be treated this way?
This seismic change in me, is a direct result of working to put into practise in my life, the Twelve Steps and Traditions, and the wisdom contained therein.
I've learned that when my response is lightning fast negativity, or offense taken, or judgement of the other, that's my character defects at work. When I take a moment or two to let those initial reactions subside, I'm making room for love and acceptance.
God's love. This is a never-ending spring. I can pour it over those with whom I come into daily contact, and get myself soaked in it, in the process. Of such choices, is serenity composed.
"Principles above personalities" has, over the years I've been in 12-Step, evolved from a dimly perceived, vague sort of concept, into a crystal-clear plan for living. I choose it each time I bite back a sharp rejoinder: wave another driver into the space opened in front of me in traffic: take a service committment: make a program call: take a deep breath and say something humorous instead of grumbling: make eye contact with a stranger and smile, instead of hastily averting my gaze.
I'm given dozens of these choices in a day. I pray to see them as opportunities to spread love, respect for others, and connection.
"Everything that happens to me as a person, everything that involves my relations with my group, can be ironed out by applying the Al-Anon principles. This lifts all discussion far above the level of personalities and brings about harmonious solutions."
I have found this to be true in all areas of my life. Recently I received an email from an individual who can be somewhat abrasive, but also capable of great kindness and generosity - a prickly sort of person. Before Al-Anon, I'd not have been able to see past the spiky safety barrier, to the fearful person crouched behind it, longing for friendship and connection, but unable to come out from behind their defenses. I'd have seen the defenses as the person, rather than a symptom of their consuming fear.
Through Al-Anon, I have learned that if I put principles above personalitites, I can accept others as they are, without feeling the need to tell them how to improve. I've long since lost that arrogant belief that the world should march to the beat of my personal drum. I've come to understand that much of what bothers me about other people, had/has more to do with my own shortcomings and inability to accept, than any deficiencies on their part.
Where once I searched for reasons to exclude or reject others, (because they didn't measure up to my arbitrary standards, or had hurt my feelings in some way, deliberate or unintended - I too, was a very prickly person at one time) now I find myself searching for ways to include, to welcome, and to give comfort and affectionate support. I no longer act upon my first reactive response. I allow myself to feel it, try not to judge myself for having had it, but I don't take it as the only possible response. I wait it out. I reconsider. I examine my motives. I ask myself: Is this kind? Is this necessary? Would I wish to be treated this way?
This seismic change in me, is a direct result of working to put into practise in my life, the Twelve Steps and Traditions, and the wisdom contained therein.
I've learned that when my response is lightning fast negativity, or offense taken, or judgement of the other, that's my character defects at work. When I take a moment or two to let those initial reactions subside, I'm making room for love and acceptance.
God's love. This is a never-ending spring. I can pour it over those with whom I come into daily contact, and get myself soaked in it, in the process. Of such choices, is serenity composed.
"Principles above personalities" has, over the years I've been in 12-Step, evolved from a dimly perceived, vague sort of concept, into a crystal-clear plan for living. I choose it each time I bite back a sharp rejoinder: wave another driver into the space opened in front of me in traffic: take a service committment: make a program call: take a deep breath and say something humorous instead of grumbling: make eye contact with a stranger and smile, instead of hastily averting my gaze.
I'm given dozens of these choices in a day. I pray to see them as opportunities to spread love, respect for others, and connection.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Doing My Part.
The last line in today's reading in the ODAT is:
"God helps those who help themselves."
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, with all the negativity we've run across since we decided to sell our house and move to the city. I've learned in Al-Anon that whenever I substitute someone else's judgement for my own, I will regret it. That lesson has made it possible for me to make choices and work to implement them, regardless of who is saying what to me. Time and again, I've had almost everyone I talk to, flatly telling me that whatever it is I'm going to do, won't work. I've learned to smile politely, say something noncommittal, and keep going.
I try to be open and aware of the cues from my Higher Power - when I'm on the right path, things slide into place with ease, and amazing speed. Which isn't to say that I haven't done hours, days, weeks of preparation work beforehand. That is the part that the naysayers don't see, or chose to ignore: the hours of slog and grind behind the successful outcome.
I know that if I do the work, pay attention to the signals from my HP, adapt and strive to always be making smarter choices, I will succeed. It's that simple. And that difficult. But as an old friend used to say, "What else have you got to do?"
"God helps those who help themselves."
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, with all the negativity we've run across since we decided to sell our house and move to the city. I've learned in Al-Anon that whenever I substitute someone else's judgement for my own, I will regret it. That lesson has made it possible for me to make choices and work to implement them, regardless of who is saying what to me. Time and again, I've had almost everyone I talk to, flatly telling me that whatever it is I'm going to do, won't work. I've learned to smile politely, say something noncommittal, and keep going.
I try to be open and aware of the cues from my Higher Power - when I'm on the right path, things slide into place with ease, and amazing speed. Which isn't to say that I haven't done hours, days, weeks of preparation work beforehand. That is the part that the naysayers don't see, or chose to ignore: the hours of slog and grind behind the successful outcome.
I know that if I do the work, pay attention to the signals from my HP, adapt and strive to always be making smarter choices, I will succeed. It's that simple. And that difficult. But as an old friend used to say, "What else have you got to do?"
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas Day, and Dinner.
We had a lot of fun today. It started with our morning coffee, exchanging gifts and laughing at our male dog, who feels it is his job to help unwrap gifts. He will stand on his hind legs, front paws on the chair, looking eagerly at us, asking to begin. We rip an edge loose, give him the ok, and he will leap backwards, paper in mouth, tearing a huge strip off, which he then rips into smaller and smaller pieces, until the carpet is covered with paper snow, and we are engulfed in helpless giggles. Each time he gets the piece of paper reduced to some satisfyingly small bits, he comes back wanting to begin again.
I grew up in a household where dogs weren't even allowed into the livingroom, and behavior of this sort would have been considered very bad form. The first time our little dog stood up looking to get in on the ripping action, and my spouse offered him an edge to rip, I said, "Oh, don't let him do that!"
They looked at me, mystified, and asked, "Why not?" I replied something about how he'd start ripping up newspapers and other papers. My spouse said firmly that the dog was perfectly aware of which papers were made to rip and which weren't, and they'd prove it to me.
A newspaper was fetched, and edge of it offered to the dog. The dog sniffed it, looked at him, and shoved the newspaper aside, looking for wrapping paper beneath it. They offered him a few sheets of computer paper - same result, he had no interest whatsoever, he wanted some more of that stuff we got to rip. To this day, he has never ripped anything but wrapping paper. I have always considered dogs quite a bit more intelligent than most people give them credit for, but that surprised even me.
After coffee and gifts, we did a few hours of relaxed packing. All the pictures are down from the walls, the decorative bowls, etc, vanished into boxes. The house begins to feel as if we really are going in six days.
Then we got cleaned up, cooked our contribution to the dinner, and off we went to the Alano Club. It was wonderful; I enjoyed myself hugely. I ran into a few folks I haven't seen in a while, and received some great warm affectionate hugs. I had serious and silly conversations, ate until I couldn't eat another bite, and felt at peace and so blessed.
I went out to visit the two huge dogs hanging out on the back deck with the smokers. I've gotten so accustomed to 10 & 20 pound dogs, that I'd forgotten just how big an 80 pound dog is. One of them mashed her huge head into my thigh and wagged her entire body while I gently whacked her sides with open hands - she was pushing so hard she made me stagger backwards a bit. I adore big ol' friendly dogs. I think it's one of life's greatest pleasures to share some affection with a trusting dog, to whom I may be a complete stranger, but who senses my devotion for them, and in turn, is delighted to have a mutual admiration moment with me.
At one point in the evening, I sat at our table, gazing around the room, thinking about how almost everyone in the room, had received the precious gift of sobriety through the Twelve Steps of this amazing and life-changing program. People who might, in the ordinary course of life, never spend time together, were gathered this evening in celebration not only of the holiday, but also for having been given a second chance at life. When the grace was said by an AA member before the meal, there was a resounding, heartfelt "A-men" that resonated in my chest.
Keep coming back, it works.
I grew up in a household where dogs weren't even allowed into the livingroom, and behavior of this sort would have been considered very bad form. The first time our little dog stood up looking to get in on the ripping action, and my spouse offered him an edge to rip, I said, "Oh, don't let him do that!"
They looked at me, mystified, and asked, "Why not?" I replied something about how he'd start ripping up newspapers and other papers. My spouse said firmly that the dog was perfectly aware of which papers were made to rip and which weren't, and they'd prove it to me.
A newspaper was fetched, and edge of it offered to the dog. The dog sniffed it, looked at him, and shoved the newspaper aside, looking for wrapping paper beneath it. They offered him a few sheets of computer paper - same result, he had no interest whatsoever, he wanted some more of that stuff we got to rip. To this day, he has never ripped anything but wrapping paper. I have always considered dogs quite a bit more intelligent than most people give them credit for, but that surprised even me.
After coffee and gifts, we did a few hours of relaxed packing. All the pictures are down from the walls, the decorative bowls, etc, vanished into boxes. The house begins to feel as if we really are going in six days.
Then we got cleaned up, cooked our contribution to the dinner, and off we went to the Alano Club. It was wonderful; I enjoyed myself hugely. I ran into a few folks I haven't seen in a while, and received some great warm affectionate hugs. I had serious and silly conversations, ate until I couldn't eat another bite, and felt at peace and so blessed.
I went out to visit the two huge dogs hanging out on the back deck with the smokers. I've gotten so accustomed to 10 & 20 pound dogs, that I'd forgotten just how big an 80 pound dog is. One of them mashed her huge head into my thigh and wagged her entire body while I gently whacked her sides with open hands - she was pushing so hard she made me stagger backwards a bit. I adore big ol' friendly dogs. I think it's one of life's greatest pleasures to share some affection with a trusting dog, to whom I may be a complete stranger, but who senses my devotion for them, and in turn, is delighted to have a mutual admiration moment with me.
At one point in the evening, I sat at our table, gazing around the room, thinking about how almost everyone in the room, had received the precious gift of sobriety through the Twelve Steps of this amazing and life-changing program. People who might, in the ordinary course of life, never spend time together, were gathered this evening in celebration not only of the holiday, but also for having been given a second chance at life. When the grace was said by an AA member before the meal, there was a resounding, heartfelt "A-men" that resonated in my chest.
Keep coming back, it works.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Gratitude List.
First on the list, is gratitude that the two lumps on our older, wiser, more dignified dog, appear to be just fatty lumps. He will be being operated upon for their removal next week. I'm grateful we can afford to get this done.
This guy is the first small dog we've had, and my spouse has a tendency to forget that at 21lbs, he can't carry the treat load that an 80-pounder can. Our vet gently admonished us that he was a little too "portly." And this is a dog that gets at least an hour of brisk exercise a day, either walking in the park, or in inclement weather, on his favourite toy - the treadmill. Imagine how portly he'd be without that, and if he were more of a couch potato, instead of the highly-charged, always-running zippy little dog that he is. He's a type-A personality.
Our little female is more of the "First, establish whether whatever it is is worth it, before waking up all the way" type.
I'm grateful for Al-Anon, and all the people over the years who have given of their experience, strength, and hope so freely, to keep this incredible fellowship strong and growing. I'm grateful for my sponsor, and my sponsees. I'm grateful when some small thing I've said has lit the way for another program member, in the same way my path has been lit by the comments and sharings I've heard. I'd still be stumbling around in the dark, cursing, were it not for this blessed, simple-and-yet-excruciatingly-demanding program of Al-Anon.
I'm grateful for all the recovery bloggers who share themselves for the rest of us, and for those who read my blog, and leave little gifts of themselves in comments - you mean a lot to me, all of you.
God bless you, keep you safe, and give you a holiday full of pleasant memories.
Happy Christmas.
I'm grateful for Al-Anon, and all the people over the years who have given of their experience, strength, and hope so freely, to keep this incredible fellowship strong and growing. I'm grateful for my sponsor, and my sponsees. I'm grateful when some small thing I've said has lit the way for another program member, in the same way my path has been lit by the comments and sharings I've heard. I'd still be stumbling around in the dark, cursing, were it not for this blessed, simple-and-yet-excruciatingly-demanding program of Al-Anon.
I'm grateful for all the recovery bloggers who share themselves for the rest of us, and for those who read my blog, and leave little gifts of themselves in comments - you mean a lot to me, all of you.
God bless you, keep you safe, and give you a holiday full of pleasant memories.
Happy Christmas.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Experience, Strength, and Hope. (Or Not.)
I was in the city (not the one we're moving to, but a much larger centre a couple of hours further away) overnight on Monday, got home yesterday, and called an Al-Anon friend to talk about the Al-Anon meeting I attended when I was down there. I've been to this meeting a few times over the years; each time I've gone to this city and stayed overnight, I go to a meeting. I like the freshness of different viewpoints of recovery.
The meeting on Monday was a Christmas candlelight meeting - a custom at quite a few meetings in that city, during the holiday season.
I can honestly say that this was the very first time in all my years of attending Al-Anon meetings, that I've gone to the meeting in a positive frame of mind, and left feeling brought down. I found it depressing. Out of 25 or so people attending, there were only a couple of members who when they spoke, shared their experience, strength and hope - the rest were unremittingly negative. I sat and listened to a litany of complaint, blaming, angry ranting, pessimistic projections about how awful it was going to be on the day, cynicism...I felt myself slowly being dragged down to the level of the general mood in the room. After an hour and a half, with 10 or so members still left to speak, I quietly excused myself to the gentleman next to me, and slipped out the door. I had to get out of there. I walked out to my car feeling unsettled, and mildly depressed. I drove back to my hotel room wondering what effect that meeting would have upon a newcomer to Al-Anon.
I suppose I'm much more accustomed to Christmas meetings in which members discuss the ways they get through what can be a difficult time of year with their sanity intact, by using the tools of Al-Anon. I've heard people share about ways they take a few minutes to regroup when they feel challenged, perhaps nipping upstairs to read a page in their ODAT, then taking a few deep breaths and going back to the family gathering, or calling a program friend to share a quick, rueful laugh about the ways Christmas, and family, can challenge even the strongest program.
I'm more used to members offering what has worked for them at this difficult time of year, so that I've gone home from my Christmas meetings feeling revitalised, having heard useful suggestions for coping with a stressful situation in an Al-Anon way. I've heard quiet gratitude, and loud laughter. I've heard holiday stories told to illustrate the way Al-Anon has made it possible for Christmas to be joyful again. I've told my own turkey story, (which is too icky to be shared here, but if you truly want to be grossed out, you can email me, and I'll share it with you) and heard a zillion others. I've always, and I am not exaggerating for effect, always, left a Christmas Al-Anon meeting feeling happy, peaceful, and full of serenity.
I felt sad that this was so lacking from the meeting I attended in the city. What help are we to the other members of an Al-Anon group, if we only complain and blame? They, and we, can get that negativity anywhere and everywhere. Program is for "...solutions that lead to serenity."
I drove back to my hotel, took my little dog for the last walk of the day, then sat in my room and prayed a heartfelt prayer that the members of that group would be granted serenity and peace this Christmas.
I drifted off to sleep bathed in gratitude for the positive attitudes, help, and support I've received from Al-Anon, in the years I've been a member. I know I tend to repeat myself about this, but it's a huge part of my life, this gratitude. I remember very well the angry, resentful, defensive, deeply unhappy person I was before program, and I know that I am who I am today, only because of 12-Step, and my Higher Power.
The meeting on Monday was a Christmas candlelight meeting - a custom at quite a few meetings in that city, during the holiday season.
I can honestly say that this was the very first time in all my years of attending Al-Anon meetings, that I've gone to the meeting in a positive frame of mind, and left feeling brought down. I found it depressing. Out of 25 or so people attending, there were only a couple of members who when they spoke, shared their experience, strength and hope - the rest were unremittingly negative. I sat and listened to a litany of complaint, blaming, angry ranting, pessimistic projections about how awful it was going to be on the day, cynicism...I felt myself slowly being dragged down to the level of the general mood in the room. After an hour and a half, with 10 or so members still left to speak, I quietly excused myself to the gentleman next to me, and slipped out the door. I had to get out of there. I walked out to my car feeling unsettled, and mildly depressed. I drove back to my hotel room wondering what effect that meeting would have upon a newcomer to Al-Anon.
I suppose I'm much more accustomed to Christmas meetings in which members discuss the ways they get through what can be a difficult time of year with their sanity intact, by using the tools of Al-Anon. I've heard people share about ways they take a few minutes to regroup when they feel challenged, perhaps nipping upstairs to read a page in their ODAT, then taking a few deep breaths and going back to the family gathering, or calling a program friend to share a quick, rueful laugh about the ways Christmas, and family, can challenge even the strongest program.
I'm more used to members offering what has worked for them at this difficult time of year, so that I've gone home from my Christmas meetings feeling revitalised, having heard useful suggestions for coping with a stressful situation in an Al-Anon way. I've heard quiet gratitude, and loud laughter. I've heard holiday stories told to illustrate the way Al-Anon has made it possible for Christmas to be joyful again. I've told my own turkey story, (which is too icky to be shared here, but if you truly want to be grossed out, you can email me, and I'll share it with you) and heard a zillion others. I've always, and I am not exaggerating for effect, always, left a Christmas Al-Anon meeting feeling happy, peaceful, and full of serenity.
I felt sad that this was so lacking from the meeting I attended in the city. What help are we to the other members of an Al-Anon group, if we only complain and blame? They, and we, can get that negativity anywhere and everywhere. Program is for "...solutions that lead to serenity."
I drove back to my hotel, took my little dog for the last walk of the day, then sat in my room and prayed a heartfelt prayer that the members of that group would be granted serenity and peace this Christmas.
I drifted off to sleep bathed in gratitude for the positive attitudes, help, and support I've received from Al-Anon, in the years I've been a member. I know I tend to repeat myself about this, but it's a huge part of my life, this gratitude. I remember very well the angry, resentful, defensive, deeply unhappy person I was before program, and I know that I am who I am today, only because of 12-Step, and my Higher Power.
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