A Nudge From God.

I had a rough start in life - my childhood is better left undescribed. Suffice it to say, that when people speak of their childhood and adolescence as being "the best time of their life" I can not relate. I grew into adulthood with a ferocious sense of resentment and self-pity smoldering inside my calm exterior. I felt ripped off by life, and didn't believe in God. I was full of rage and hate.

This painful state of being continued until I came into Al-Anon. I will forever be grateful to the alcoholic who was the reason I went to my first meeting, and the reason I kept going to meetings.

In Al-Anon, I learned that my life is largely governed by my own attitude to it. I can have the same sort of experience on two different days, and depending upon my state of mind at the time, can feel angry, or, (much to be preferred) laugh at the absurdity of life.

I've noticed that the longer I'm in program, the less time is allowed to me to feel sorry for myself, before I will receive a nudge from God, complete with a pointed example of how others have it much worse off than I.

I had one of those first thing today. I had a rough night, and woke up feeling out-of-sorts and grumpy. This is today's nudge:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo_24_qTNac

My nudges from God used to be gentle, back when I was a newcomer to Al-Anon; they used to take some time to work their way through my defenses and my wallowing. Nowadays, they are more like a good whack upside the head, because He's granted me so much, blessed me with so much, and I'm still complaining?

Do I choose to focus on the one small aspect of my life that is not to my liking, or do I choose to focus on all of the miracles with which God has showered me?

As I think - I am. My attitude colours my day, and my life. Only I can choose my attitude.

Arguing The Details.

I've had sponsees who are fixated on arguing the details, while completely missing the bigger picture. They will lock onto one small area or statement or idea, and chew it over mercilessly, looking for the inherent flaw which will allow them to dismiss our entire program.

Is this willingness, to approach each meeting as a challenge to our stubborn resistance? Is this keeping an open mind? The suggested closing to our meetings states:

"If you keep an open mind, you will find help."

I would venture to suggest that the opposite is also true: if we keep a closed mind, we won't get much out of Al-Anon. Before I try anything new, do I not have to take a leap of faith that I may be able to accomplish it? Do I not have to be able to picture myself playing the piano, driving a car, scuba-diving, whatever it is that I wish to learn?

In this same way we must be able to picture ourselves living a healthier, happier life. For most of us, that is extremely difficult, especially if we live with active alcoholism. For that, we need to take a leap of faith. Close our eyes, grab onto the hand of our sponsor, and shrieking with fear, leap off the cliff of our past with him or her, trusting that our Creator will catch us.

In my experience, once we have done that the first time - taken that leap of faith, and found ourselves safely caught in our Higher Power's warm, cradling hold - the realisation that we didn't fall mangled to the rocks beneath, is enough to propel us forward in growth to a degree we'd never have imagined, before we jumped.

Catch onto the hand of your sponsor, close your eyes, scream as loudly as you need to, but please, take that leap of faith - you will be astounded at the blessings you will find in Al-Anon.

Too Much To Ask?

From the ODAT, page 272:

"We learn that an honest appraisal of ourselves will open the way to improvement and start us on the upward climb to sanity and serenity."

I like that, it's a shorthand description of Step Four, with all the fear and defensiveness removed. When I do an honest appraisal of myself, I aim for some objective vision as to my own character defects, and my character strengths. I don't do it so that I may fashion a new weapon with which to belabor myself in the middle of the night when I can't sleep - that's old behavior, and I work to let that fall away.

I don't do it so that I may feel superior to those who may struggle with that which comes easily to me - that was a way I comforted myself, when my self-image was so tattered and torn as to be no protection against the cold winds of life that we all face.

I do an honest appraisal of myself because I want change. I want what I see others have - serenity. An ability to ride life like a boat on choppy seas - rolling and pitching when the sea is heavy, but still on the surface, and still moving forward.

Dedicating Ourselves To Recovery.

If we only attend meetings, and read program literature, and work the steps of Al-Anon, when our home lives are in crisis and the alcoholic is in active addiction, what are the chances that we will achieve recovery?

Slim to none.

That may sound harsh, but anyone who has been in Al-Anon for many years, has seen people come and go repeatedly, who follow this pattern of behaviour, and these folks will stay stuck at a certain level.

My spouse once offended a neighbour mightily, by responding to her her oft-repeated refrain:"I wish my garden looked like yours.." by saying cheerfully to her, "It would if you put the same amount of work in that she does!"

Why do we do this? We want the same results as a person who has expended enormous effort, but we want it immediately, and with little or no work done on our part.

If we want a beautiful, lush garden, we must be willing to get filthy, dig until our arms and legs are exhausted and we can't stand up straight, get down on our knees and pull weeds.
Only we can give our plants a chance to thrive, without having to struggle for life amidst rapacious weeds which have evolved to grow in the harshest of conditions - in a garden, with extra water and nutrients, weeds appear to be on performance-enhancing drugs.

If we want a well-trained dog, we must put in the hours of teaching to accomplish the result we seek. Spending two sessions training for ten minutes, and then giving up, won't get us what we want. We need the resolve to be consistent.

If we only come to Al-Anon meetings when our life is in crisis, and then when things calm down, stop attending, and never open a piece of program literature, we won't get far.

If we never get a sponsor, and never work the Steps, we will not get what those who have done the hard work have received as a result of their exertions.

Like so much else in life, Al-Anon gives back to me in direct correlation to what I give to it. I was dedicated to my misery, before 12-Step; I spent hours involved in obsessing and manipulation and awfulising and projecting - I was steeped daily in a poisonous stew of those ways of thinking and behaving.

An Al-Anon friend used to say, "If you don't want tea so strong you cannot drink it without feeling as though it's stripping the enamel from your teeth, take the teabag out!"

That became a little joking saying we used, to remind each other not to go there with whatever it was: "Hey! Take the teabag out!"

But How Do I DO That?

In Syd's post today, one sentence leapt out at me in the part about sharing - "I can't give another person hope and serenity by mouthing slogans and principles..."

We cannot help others if all we do is repeat the shorthand of the program, without delving deeper into just how we have put the program into practise. I can repeat the Fourth Step to you until I'm hoarse, but if I never sit down with you and explain how to go about doing a Fourth Step, am I truly sharing with you?

I received help in my early days because members, and my sponsor, would say: "When I'm obsessing, what works for me, is to attack a physical task, while repeating the opening line of the Serenity Prayer to myself."

Or: "I practise thought-stopping: the second I realise I'm on that subject again in my head, I say NO! to myself, and force my mind onto something pleasant - my quilting, my garden, a conversation with a friend that made us both laugh."

Or: "I find that looking the subject up in the index of my daily reading books, and reading each one of the pages, will help to calm me down considerably. If that doesn't work, I call a program friend."

We all need concrete examples of how others work the program successfully, so that we may try them out, discard some, and put others into daily practise.

I always make time for a program member when they are asking me this question - I've stood in the parking lot after a meeting until we're the only two left, and then for another hour after that sitting in the car, explaining, giving examples, listening carefully to the next question, explaining some more.

If nothing I suggested worked for them, I recommend that they ask another old-timer who is quite different in personality from me, as they'll most likely have ideas I might not.

I believe this is how I give to others, what was so freely and generously given to me when I was a desperate, wounded newcomer - the gift of 12-Step. That's how I see Al-Anon - as a precious gift that I am sharing, which never runs out, because no matter how much of it I give, it replenishes itself a hundredfold.

Always Someone To Blame.

From the ODAT, page 268:

"What would happen if we stopped blaming anyone for anything? We would experience miracles of tolerance and grace - rich spiritual rewards, reflected in a life of real fufillment."

If one is raised from a small child in an atmosphere of blaming and judgement, it can be quite the process to work towards achieving a mindset where blame isn't an option. I was taught that before one could begin to deal with any problem, first fault had to be assigned. It was very important to winkle out "who was to blame for this state of affairs."

There were long, involved conversations at the dinner table, most of which went over my head, as apart from being too young too understand, I was busy carving patterns into my mashed potatoes. But what I do remember, is the arguing that went on about who was at fault. It was the party in government at the time; no, it was the oppostion. It was Aunt Denise; no, it was Uncle Morrie. It was mine; no, it was my brother's. It was this neighbour; no it was the city, for not...yada yada yada. Someone had to be to blame.

There would be more arguments on the subject of "I told you it was so-and-so's fault, but you blamed such-and-such - now further events have made it clear that my assigning of blame was correct, and yours was incorrect."

Blame, and fault, were of utter importance. In retrospect, I can understand that my adoptive mother was a very frightened person. I think she was immeasurably hurt when she was a small girl, and learned that the world is a terrifying and dangerous place, where one must always be on guard. Perhaps all that blaming, allowed her to feel as though she understood how the world worked, and therefore, could prepare and protect herself from pain.

I grew to adulthood with a tight grasp on that particular sentiment: "Someone is to blame for this; figure out who, and give them a tongue-lashing."

I was a tailor-made co-dependent, in that regard. When I began to grasp the program, and see that assigning blame just kept me hopelessly stuck, I turned to my sponsor and program friends for some way to remind myself of this. One night at a meeting, one member said that she had borrowed a saying her teenage son used when she was getting in a tizzy. He would say to her, "Mother, it is what it is, get over it!"

I loved that first bit - "It is what it is." That statement allowed me to have my feelings about an event, without needing to blame anyone for it. I could just tell myself, "It is what it is, and I need to let go."

When I use that phrase, I feel as though I'm discarding constricting beliefs about life, and can breathe more easily. If it is what it is, then I needn't bother myself about it. I can go about my daily round, doing whatever I can to make my world a better place. It's not my problem, not my responsibility, not my fault. It's not up to me to decide who did what to whom, and when, and what punitive measures should be assigned - that task belongs only to God, and he doesn't need my help.

When I don't assign blame, don't take sides, don't have an opinion on outside issues, my life is serene, and I'm a more pleasant experience for others.

Who's At The Helm?

From the ODAT, page 267:

"One of our delusions is that we, as spouses of alcoholics, are "running the show." This form of self-deception can only increase our frustrations. It makes the home a battleground in which the alcoholic has the best chance of winning every encounter. We are often outwitted by the alcoholic's lightning changes of mood, his promises, challenges, and other maneuvers. This is the best reason for detaching our minds and seeking a peaceful, orderly way of life within ourselves."

Whenever I forget these truths about alcoholism, I will suffer for it. I get caught up in wanting to control, and when I do that, I am advancing out onto the branch, and handing the alcoholic the chainsaw.