Yakkety-Yak.

Thanks to those who commented on yesterday's post - much appreciated.

My first sponsor used to joke, "Be careful with those little comments along the lines of "If only God would..." because sometimes he takes you at your word and does."

That's happened to me a few days ago, and it's been amazing. So much so, that for the first time in my life, I find myself with not much to say. This is a definite departure, because I've always been a talker. I've become far more comfortable in silence with my spouse, sponsees, etc, but have noticed that in some of my friendships, the other person seems to have expectations that I will entertain them, and this has felt more and more constricting.

Finding myself granted that for which I've always wished and prayed, I'm realising how in some instances I've used words as a shield to keep other people at a safe distance. All that talking can give the illusion of closeness, while in reality, inhibiting it.

It's strange, and new, and I love the feeling - and the fact that even after all my time in program, there are still such great vistas of possibility before me, if I continue to practise Al-Anon.

Tomorrow, I'm going to start on the Slogans.

Service

I've had what feels like another major leap forward in my recovery a few days ago, and at first, it left me feeling that what I was doing with this blog was just another form of talking too much, so I had decided to shut it down and delete it.

Today, while out in my garden, I was thinking about this, and asking for guidance, because apart from a momentary relief immediately after I made the first decision, I wasn't feeling like I'd made the right choice. On the contrary, it was niggling away at me, feeling almost like a service obligation I'd taken on, and was now trying to weasel out of.

I decided to go with "When in doubt, don't!" for the time being, and re-evaluate this periodically. I know that I have some recovery blogs which are very meaningful for me to read, and I keep them on my Favourites List, and read them every morning for my 12-Step input to start my day. Perhaps in time I will serve that same function for someone else. That needs to be enough.

I'm trying to be more aware of the messages I get from my Higher Power; they don't always arrive with great fanfare - often, they are spoken in a "still, small voice."

Hope you all had the glorious weather we did this weekend - at one point I went out to find both dogs belly-up under the mock orange bush, snoring a duet.

Tradition Twelve.

"Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities."

I'm uncomfortable with people breaking this Tradition and publicly proclaiming their membership in 12-Step - we don't need spokespersons who may dissuade anyone from getting help. Those who do this, always seem to use "helping others" as a reason for doing it, but if you wish to be of service to others, there are many other acceptable ways to do so, and still be working inside the 12-Step framework. I wonder about those who may find the proclaimer abrasive or irritating - will this prohibit them from seeking help in 12-Step, now that they associate that individual with it?

I believe that anonymity is of paramount importance for the above reason, and for many others, such as protecting the sanctity of a meeting, so that those attending feel able to speak freely. Ultimately, this is beyond my control - I can only make sure that I preserve anonymity, I cannot force anyone else to do so. That's between them and their Higher Power, and not my business. I can attend to sweeping my own side of the street.

Many of us in 12-Step have powerful personalities, with sweeping likes and dislikes - this Tradition reminds us that we are gathered together for a common purpose, and we need to let those personalities be secondary to our principles.

Tradition Eleven.

"Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members."

I'm grateful to have learned fairly early on in my program journey, not to use quibbles about semantics as an avoidance mechanism. I recall a member at one meeting I'd occasionally attend, when I lived in the city - she would zero in on some small point, and belabor it; trying to follow her reasoning was like sitting on the beach watching a thick fog roll in.

I was reminded of this today, when typing this Tradition. I recalled her twenty-minute exposition on: "Why did the people who wrote the Traditions capitalise "TV?" The larger idea encapsulated by this Tradition escaped her entirely, she was completely hung up on that tiny detail. She almost always did this, regardless of the topic. She'd attend the meetings: when it was her turn to share, talk about the way a Step/Tradition/reading was worded: or if the topic was "trust," talk about what trust wasn't. The wisdom of program never seemed to touch her. When I was new to Al-Anon, I used to wonder - what could I learn from someone like that? In my arrogance, I'd have said: nothing.

My Higher Power has a sense of humour, he likes to show me the extremes of human behavior, and then grant me the ability to see myself in that person. There came a time when I was arguing a point with my sponsor, and suddenly could hear that I was doing the self-same thing as the woman at that meeting - completely losing sight of the bigger picture in my furious, protesting, focus upon minutia. It was a good lesson in humility and acceptance; I've never forgotten it.

I believe this Tradition makes it possible for Al-Anon never to be associated with any one spokesperson, and thereby avoid being associated with their politics, their behavior, their life choices... I believe we need to attract rather than promote, because when we promote, there is no way to keep our egos out of the picture. When we attempt to convert another to our way of thinking, it's common for the listener to feel resistance; if they seek us out under their own power, there isn't that mountain of resistance to climb before the message can be heard. If we as individuals were to become associated with Al-Anon in the public mind through promotion, what if some found us irritating or distasteful? If we just "rubbed them the wrong way?" Then Al-Anon itself would take on the taint of their dislike for us. This is to be avoided at all costs.

The second half of this Tradition is still vitally important - there may no longer be quite the social stigma attached to alcoholism that there was when AA was born, but it does still exist; for this reason, we protect the anonymity of the alcoholic.

Tradition Ten

"The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name never be drawn into public controversy."

I love this Tradition, it makes it possible for us to be safely together in the meeting rooms regardless of our opinions on the rest of life. We don't discuss outside issues, so we don't suffer from the strife caused by differences between us. We concentrate on that which we have in common - our struggle with alcoholism, and the insanity which results.

Because Al-Anon has no public opinions, we attract anyone and everyone, regardless of their religion, political beliefs, or philosophy of life. We open our arms to all who are in need.

Tradition Nine.

"Our groups, as such, ought never be organised, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve."

It seems to be human nature to want to organise. We love to categorise and label; it gives many of us great satisfaction to have everything all tidily put away into neat little areas.

Al-Anon doesn't work that way. Somehow, in spite of the fact that there are no rules for attendance or conduct, no regulations by which we must abide, we manage to achieve the goal of recovery for each of us, without getting entangled in hierarchy or rank. No-one can be told what to do, or what not to do. We ask that the members respect each other, but we cannot force this. We don't expel those who don't show up at a meeting for six months.

It has always fascinated me the way meetings can be a beautifully balanced organism, but they can also always expand to enfold a new member.

We aren't responsible to our service boards or our committees, they are responsible to us. This is precisely opposite to how the rest of the world works, but the amazing result, is the miracle that is Twelve Step.

Tradition Eight.

"Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centres may employ special workers."

This Tradition embodies one of the most powerful precepts of 12-Step - that we are all equals. Inside the meeting rooms, all the ordinary means by which we categorise ourselves and others are set aside, so that we may flourish in a positive and accepting atmosphere.

If we were ever to allow Twelve Step work to be done by professionals, it would very quickly lose the immediacy and strength it has when done from love of ourselves and our fellow human beings.