Through An Al-Anon Filter

Common Denominators - Martyrdom

2012-01-27T12:15:00.000-08:00

A martyr creates an identity built around one central idea - suffering. Before Al-Anon, I was deeply committed to my vision of myself as a martyr. I'd had a hard early life, and here I was, married to an alcoholic, and still suffering. That vision of myself was rather rudely put to rest during the working of my first Fourth Step, as I slowly became aware of my own character defects, aided by a sponsor who couldn't be manipulated - she knew exactly what I was doing when I was doing it, because she'd done all of it herself.

I would be full-rant about the latest terrible thing the alcoholic had done or said, and looking up, would find that she was watching me with a loving gaze, and that blasted eyebrow slowly climbing up her forehead. When it began the ascent, I knew I was about to be challenged. In time, I had only to see it rise enough to create the tiniest suggestion of a wrinkle, and I knew I was in for it.

I hated the way she seemed able to see right through me, and could be deeply irritated that she wasn't interested in providing me an audience while I elucidated the minute details of my martyrdom. One day, when her eyebrow was at its peak, and I was still defiantly whining and moaning about how hard my life was, I glanced at her, and without knowing I was about to, stopped, grinned and said, ruefully, "Nobody knows the trouble I done seen."

She responded instantly with, "Gotta suffer, if you want to sing the blues."

We howled together, one of those laughing fits that leaves you gasping and wiping your eyes, and wondering afterwards why that was so funny, but smiling again at the memory. I doubt I recognised at the time that I'd just experienced one of those massive shifts in understanding which can forever change us for the better, if we are willing to quickly follow through with more excavation of self.

Without further work, I have learned that I will forget the lesson and have to relearn it at a later date. It will be a more painful lesson that next time, and even more so the next - experiencing that truth has not been pleasant, but it's the "sure and certain" outcome when I've been obstinate in my refusal to accept.

My Higher Power will give me what I want, and if I want opportunities for martyrdom, and to be a victim, I'm going to get them. When I decided once and for all that I had had enough of that, and I wanted change, that's what I received. It's that simple.

12-Step is a simple program. All my efforts to complicate so as to have a good reason not to do it have served me about as well as you'd expect. When I surrender, when I accept, when I let go, life is good, and I'm at peace.

Common Denominators - Lying.

2012-01-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

In Al-Anon, I've learned that dishonesty takes many forms. I lived 28 years believing I was an honest person because I didn't try to cheat on my income tax, or shoplift, although that may have been motivated more by a fear of the consequences than from any high moral ground, since in my personal life, I lied continually. I lied to the alcoholic about my true feelings. I lied to friends that I was "fine
I was a craven people-pleaser. I lied to myself through the use of denial.

It was a long hard haul uphill to be able to get to a place of acceptance about my dishonesty, forgive myself for it, and try a different way to live. As so many of us may do, I swung to the other extreme, and began speaking up when I should have said nothing, because my motivation wasn't good. Slowly, I settled into my comfort zone - when giving my opinion wouldn't be appropriate, I will either remain silent, or make one of those noises that mean, "Yes, I'm listening, please continue." If pressed to give an opinion when I don't wish to, I will say that I "don't have an opinion worth sharing."

I try to be honest with myself about what I'm doing - my motives.

I don't pretend to the alcoholic that I like what I do not like, or accept that which I find unacceptable. When I feel the necessity, I can say what I think, or feel, in a way that does not challenge or invite an argument, but is a simple statement of fact about me.

Until about 3 years ago, the latter was not the case. I had good recovery in some areas, but I had a massive denial going about my relationship with my alcoholic spouse. During the many years we've been married, I had gradually allowed my boundaries to be shoved a long way back. I had accepted a lot of "jokes" that were nothing of the kind. I'd fallen into some old habits, and I was unhappy and frustrated. When the time came, and my Higher Power revealed this to me, I was stunned. I had entered this relationship when I was still quite new to Al-Anon, new enough to believe that sobriety was the same as recovery, and denial took over when I started to realise that the two are not synonymous.

Since we can't change what we don't acknowledge, facing reality is the first step on the path to change.
My rededication to honesty in my marriage caused a lot of hassle and stress, as the other person tried to force things to go back to what they had been, through a fair bit of acting out and manipulation. That was rough, but with the help of my sponsor, and my program friends, I made it through without capitulating, and things have been vastly better between us. He's very involved in AA, now, and that's a good thing.

None of that would have happened, had I not been willing to be honest with myself.

Clarification

2012-01-13T12:14:00.000-08:00

Angry responses to posts seemed to be going around yesterday. To what I wrote yesterday, l add three things:

In Al-Anon, we learn to pay attention to our gut feelings and reservations, rather than dismissing and negating them to please another person.

We are under no obligation whatsoever to say yes to everyone who asks us to sponsor them. It's an intimate relationship, and we all have the basic human right to choose our relationships.

Even in sponsorship, we are permitted personal boundaries.

A Question About Recognising Unhealthy People.

2012-01-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

"Somebody asked me to be their sponsor, but I'm not sure I want to. They never get to a meeting on time -usually they come in half-way through. They talk for twenty minutes, or talk 2 or 3 times. They never talk on topic. They're always in a crisis. They're not very good friends with another person I sponsor, and there's a lot of drama going on there. Is it okay to say no when someone asks me to sponsor them?"
------------------------------

Yes, absolutely. I wouldn't sponsor someone who won't come to a meeting before it's half over.

I'm not going to speculate about what that may or may not indicate about the person who's always late, because this isn't the place and I don't think it matters - the motives behind the actions may be completely obscure to the person themselves. Dealing with only the result of the choices, the following is happening:

The meeting, and whoever may be speaking when this late person arrives, is interrupted. They avoid sitting in silence, listening to the readings common to the opening of an Al-Anon meeting - the greeting, Preamble to the Steps, the Steps, Traditions, 3 Obstacles to Success.

They "hijack the meeting" by ignoring the topic and speaking instead of the (most recent) crisis in their lives. They talk for so long that they leave little or no time for the other people who might like an opportunity to share.

An AA friend would describe behavior of this sort as: "There's a lot of "me-me-me!" going on.."

I think most of us could be described as self-absorbed when we come into program, because we're so caught up in our own problems that they "fill the screen." Even that being so, most people are still able to detach for the sake of politeness and offer courtesy and some space to other people in a social setting. If someone won't do this even in an Al-Anon meeting, which is grounded on giving each person room and space - well, I said I wouldn't go there, so I won't. Suffice it to say that if asked to sponsor someone who is always coming into meetings half an hour late, I might reply that I would be happy to do so, after they'd shown me that they could be on time to a meeting, and once there, respectful to the other members, for a period of 3 months.

I consider sponsorship to require a serious committment of time and energy on my part, and after this many years doing it, I have a good idea of my own limitations. I know that I don't want to work with someone who is disrespectful of both program, and the other members of the group. I don't want to embark upon a caretaking relationship thinly disguised as sponsor-sponsee. I can't make someone want to change. I can't love someone into wanting to change. I don't want to work with someone who is more interested in acquiring another spectator for the drama of their lives, than in working their program - I've made all these mistakes in sponsorship, and learned the difficult lessons therein. Hope this helps.

Common Denominators - "Knowing"

2012-01-10T12:10:00.000-08:00

Conversation between my sponsor and I when I was new to Al-Anon:

(Me:) "Well, I know she ...."
"How do you know?"
"I can just tell."
"How can you tell?"
"I just can."
"Ok, I hear you saying that, I'm asking for an explanation of how you do that."
"Well, by the way she looks at me; her tone of voice."
"Have you asked?"
"I don't need to, because I already know."
"I'd like you to try asking."

Next conversation on the subject:

"Did you ask?"
"Yes."
"And?"
(Laughing) "She had no idea what I was talking about."
"So what happened was that you saw an expression of some sort on her face, a tone in her voice, decided what that meant without checking that out first with her, and then spent two days chewing it over, ruining your mood, getting ever more upset, only to discover that it was all inside your head... would you say that's an accurate description of what went on?"
(Pause) "Well, sort of."
"Sort of?"
(Really laughing now) "Yes, okay? Yes, that's exactly what I did."

I have had this conversation, in various forms, repeatedly. I've been the sponsee who "knew" and I've been the sponsor challenging that "knowing."

We may have developed this as a way to keep ourselves safe when we were small children dealing with unhealthy adults, it may have not have started until we were in an alcoholic marriage, but this assumption that we "know" what's really going on inside someone else's head, this is a form of arrogance, and it devours time - devours my life.

Not only does this "knowing" allow me to disregard what someone else is saying, in favour of my own interpretations, it gives me a focal point upon which to obsess. I have an obsessive sort of mind. If I open that door even slightly, there's a good chance it will be ripped out of my hands, slammed open against the wall and I'll be carried off by a tidal wave of obsessing.

This is the habit. How do I avoid this? By not opening the door. Not even enough to peer through the crack to "just see what's in there today." I know that if I don't want to waste my time obsessing, it's a good idea not only to avoid looking through the peephole, but don't even go into the room in my mind in which that door is set.

Stay out. Let go. Live in the moment. If I want information, or interpretation, I can ask the person themselves.

What if I don't receive what I consider an honest, or satisfactory reply? Let it go anyway. Turn it over.
Get out of that dark damp creepy room, and into the light. Find something else with which to occupy my mind. If I can't get myself off the gerbil wheel under my own power, ask for help. Read some program literature, call a friend or my sponsor, ask my Higher Power to take it. It's my choice. I know what obsessing over someone else feels like, I've spent a great deal of my life doing it. I have obsessed over a parental figure, friends, coworkers, husbands - the list goes on. I've wasted hours, days and weeks, "knowing" what someone else is thinking, and ramping myself up into a state of unmanageability because of it.

All that I can know for certain is what is happening with me. The rest, I must take on faith, because whatever I may like to believe, no, I can't read minds. And if I could, it'd be an invasion of privacy. Let go. Let it all go. Stop wanting to "know" and accept that I am fallible, human, and limited. Trust my Higher Power in the same wholehearted way my little dog trusts me - she "knows" that she is safe in my arms.
Let that be enough.

Reader Question

2012-01-08T15:44:00.000-08:00

A reader of yesterday's post asked, "...where the line is between creating peace and being a doormat."

An excellent question. I experienced continued recurring abandonment as a small child.
I learned not to trust, and to believe both that I was unlovable, and unable to love. This, with the various abuses of my childhood, also made me a person who was vulnerable to accepting unacceptable behavior in the name of "love." As long as someone would regularly declare love, I would accept appalling behavior, as I did with my first husband.

In Al-Anon, I heard it said that I have an intrinsic value - I matter because I exist. The first hundred or so times I came across that idea I shrugged it off, because it felt so far removed from my reality. When I heard other members speak of unacceptable behavior, and how it damaged their self-esteem, I couldn't relate because I couldn't begin to grapple with the concept of self-esteem, I had only self-loathing.

It was through being accepted and loved by the other people in Al-Anon, that I could try to treat myself with love and respect. From page 51 in Courage to Change:

"...I suddenly realised that there was still one person from whom I regularly accepted unacceptable behavior - me! I was continually berating myself and blaming myself when things went wrong. I never gave myself credit for my efforts. I told myself I was homely, thoughtless, lazy, stupid. I would never say those things to a friend. I realised that until I started treating myself like a valued friend, I would be standing in the way of my own recovery."

I had to believe that I was a valuable person, and that I didn't have to accept unacceptable behavior in order to receive love. This was not an easy process, because it meant dismantling all the ideas about myself learned as a very small child, and it meant being willing to let go of my anger.

Nowadays, when I'm thinking of saying nothing, of letting it go, I need to check my motives. Am I making this choice because I know I have no control, no power? Or do I have something that I'd like to say about my feelings, or a boundary, but am afraid to state it aloud for fear of retribution in the form of a scene, coldness, or more bad behavior?

What will I gain from saying this, and what will I gain from letting it go? I can't change other people, and I lose my serenity when I try. Repeated efforts to "make someone hear " only result in frustration for me. If a boundary has been crossed, I can speak up, and make it plain I won't tolerate that, but if another person is determined not to respect my boundaries, perhaps I need to re-evaluate the relationship.

I will not tolerate certain behaviors from the alcoholic, and there has to be a consequence for the continued trespass of my boundaries, or they become meaningless. I choose what those consequences are going to be, and I try to choose wisely, with the help of my sponsor and other program friends.

If you aren't sure, ask someone else in program, "What do you do when your boundaries are continually ignored? How do you deal with it?" Ask for their experience, strength and hope. I have found that in order for the alcoholic to have respect for my boundaries, I must, too. I must be willing to take the flak, hassle or grief I know I'll get, and keep going. My self-respect has to matter to me first, before the alcoholic will respect me.

How Has My Thinking Changed In Al-Anon?

2012-01-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, before returning a phone call to someone in need, I asked for help from my Higher Power, closing my eyes for a moment, and saying quietly, "Please make me worthy of this person's trust." And then, in one of those wierd little detached-from-self moments, heard what I was saying, and was for a moment, astounded at the ways this program has changed me.

And then, as is the way of these things, this topic came up in the coffee meeting-after-the-meeting last night - the ways those of us in Al-Anon for many years have changed so dramatically from the person we were when we walked through the door of our first Al-Anon meeting.

Al-Anon may be presented to us at the start as a way to become healthy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not, but it will also, if we truly take it up and work it, bring about massive changes in our personalities. I was a woman distant from others, carefully locked away in my shame and my secrets. trusting no-one and nothing, with no hope for the future. I was unremittingly negative in my worldview - resentful, frustrated, anxious.

I still get those times, but the difference is that they are periods in my life, now, not my life. I may be feeling like that for an hour or two, or even a day or two when I do some backsliding and don't work my program or forget the wisdom I've been offered, but that is not the essence of me anymore.

Peace has become more important to me than getting my own way in all things. I might be talking to someone, and hear one part of my mind insisting upon being right - perhaps I feel that little rush of irritation I've learned to recognise as a road sign to my character defects. A sign that reads, "Don't go this way, or you'll regret it!"

When I get those messages from myself, I can do the mental equivalent of pushing the complaining insisting part of myself into another room, and gently closing the door, so that my better self can respond with love, respect, and encouragement.

Al-Anon brings out the best in us. Together, we are a powerful force for personal change. Last night, as we stood to say the Serenity Prayer at the close of the meeting, I got a shivery rush up my spine with the combined power of all our voices asking for acceptance, courage, and wisdom.

Old Dogs, New Tricks, and Fireworks.

2012-01-02T11:14:00.000-08:00

Our little male dog was always utterly terrified of fireworks, thunder, any loud noise, but fireworks were the worst, they'd send him to his bed to shake for hours. It was a dreadful sight, and we tried everything to comfort him, but nothing worked. Our little female dog wasn't afraid when we adopted her, but followed his lead - if he was so afraid, there must be something to fear, and she became terrified of fireworks herself.

One day I was watching the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, and he spoke of distracting a dog when they are afraid. I thought - how do I do that? I decided to get my dog a new toy, and keep it until the night of the fireworks. When the first one went off, I reached behind the couch cushion, brought out the new toys, and handed them out. He didn't know what to do - his fear was telling him to rush down the hall to cower in his bed, but he had just been given a new toy - he compromised by taking his new toy into his bed, and huddling with it there. Over time, we've worked on distracting him with retrieving whenever there's a loud frightening noise. He's a crazed retreiver dog.

Last night I was overjoyed when the first very loud firework exploded, and he rushed into the livingroom, grabbed his newest toy, brought it to where I was at the kichen sink, dropped it at my feet, and stood eagerly waiting, tail waving, ears up. He has learned to associate fireworks with play. It brought a lump to my throat and the sting of tears to my eyes - his terror was gone, as if it had never been.

If a 10 year old dog, (that's 70 in human years,) can learn to get over a life-long fear, can't we do the same?

Common Denominators - Judgement, and Joy.

2011-12-31T13:12:00.000-08:00

This morning I was thinking that for many of us, if we do not work against it, our character tends to solidify and become more rigid the older we get. Left unchallenged, our basic beliefs will harden like cement curing, setting into an impermeable foundation for our character defects.

Had I not been bailing against the tide for the last 26 years, I would be a very different woman today.

So much of my old judgement of other people was an effort to protect my insecure self - I kept people at a safe distance by judging, classifying, rating, labelling...it was an exhaustive and time-consuming business, but it felt necessary.

When I was new to program, and began to slowly grasp the concept that it wasn't the world that was so cold to me, it was I who was cold to the world, and the world responded in kind, it felt like a formidable challenge to try to wrest my thinking around to that viewpoint. I didn't like the view from that particular outcropping, it made my self-pity an unwieldy and sharp-edged garment to don, rather than the soft comforting blanket it had always been for me.

Judgement, I thought, kept me safe. What it did, was keep me isolated. And when we're isolated, we don't get the necessary input to effect a change in our thinking; it becomes ever stronger, self-reinforcing.

I still have times when my internal dialogue is less than loving, and I most likely always will as long as I'm upon this earth. Al-Anon has taught me to be aware of that internal dialogue, and when I can't get up out of that rut, to seek help, whether that's to call my sponsor or a program friend, read some literature, or pray. I've evolved a little shorthand phrase for those times: "No judgement - God's love."

That little sentence blocks the negativity, and reminds me that I'm seeking to become more loving, and to have that loving be a pure and unconditional sort - no strings attached, no qualifications, no requirements. Love for the sake of love. Which brings me to the other topic - joy.

I believe that within each of us is a powerful expansive joyfulness, and we can tap into that joy through working 12-Step. You can see it in the faces of those who've realised that joy is an inner resource, not the result of the perfect exterior happening. It makes daily life a very different thing when we get there, because we become the spiritual equivalent of a self-righting boat. We aren't immune to the storms of life, and we may be swept under the surface by a wave of circumstance, but that inner buoyancy brings us back to the surface, and the "sunlight of the spirit."

Happy New Year, all.

The Many Uses of 12-Step.

2011-12-27T22:32:00.000-08:00

I'd forgotten what a bulldog arguer my brother can be. It slipped my mind, just how much he likes a rip-snorter of a debate.

Today in an email, I'd dodged one of his attempts to solicit an opinion from me, with a comment about not feeling comfortable making judgements about other people's beliefs. I'm sure it's very strange for him to be writing to me now, as I've said earlier in this blog, because when he knew me last, I was a very different, very opinionated woman.

He responded to my attempt to dodge the topic, with a strongly worded epistle about how if we don't judge and condemn other people when they are wrong, we are falling down on our job of protecting our fellow humans, upon whom they might prey.

I replied that I was only speaking for myself, about my discomfort with judging. I got another email in response describing the many ways in which I was wrong to not judge other people, because of this, and this, and that!
I read it and sighed heavily, wondering how I'd managed to elicit such a strong repsonse with my mild comments about my own discomfort with judging. I looked down at my little dog arranged in comfort upon my lap, and asked her, "How on earth did we get from me not being comfortable judging other people's beliefs, to whether or not it's ok to stone someone?" I know perfectly well how we got there - riding the tsunami of my brother's debating skill.

Sitting there, gazing at the screen, at a loss as to how I might reply, I received the loveliest little nudge from my Higher Power. I wrote:

"You could be right."

and sent it off. I had been feeling slightly distressed by the force of his argument, (and his insistence upon having one) but after I sent that, I felt lighthearted, and free. I went to have a shower and go to a meeting. I don't have to argue just because he likes to. I don't have to step into the loop of rope lying on deck, and be swept over the rail into the ocean to wrestle with sharks. I can stop, detach, and avoid the "bite of the line."

I don't have to fall back into my old ways, not out of habit, nor to please my brother.

When I returned home from a wonderful Al-Anon meeting, his reply to my "You could be right" email was in my inbox; it read:

"Yes, but only partly."

That made me laugh, and wish that I could hug him. He's a dear man, my brother. I don't share his love of debate and argument anymore, but I do love him. I hope my love comes through clearly when I write.

Happy Christmas

2011-12-24T22:56:00.000-08:00

We're having some "orphan" newcomers in AA over for turkey dinner tomorrow, and the last few days, I've been madly burning cd's of AA speakers for them, so each one can have a little travel cd holder with a starting collection of 14 cds, and some empty slots for more later. It's been great fun.

Then I cleaned the house from stem to stern, had a nice long soak in some luxurious lavender foaming bath -with the most intoxicatingly heavenly fragrance. My little female dog kept standing up to peer over the edge of the bath and try to get me to give her some suds to eat. (What is it with some dogs and soap? My last big dog would nibble any bar soap left within reach.)

Now, I'm feeling utterly relaxed, joyful, and deeply grateful for all of the blessings in my life.

Happy Christmas to all of you.

Accepting What I Can't Change.

2011-12-22T23:04:00.000-08:00

Earlier tonight, I was feeling angry, frustrated, and knew that I needed some input from a rational mind in order to calm myself down. I called my sponsor, and sitting in my office looking out the big window at the lights on the hill opposite, talked to her until I could feel my irritation and annoyance slipping away, and serenity returning.

I am so grateful for this program. Without it, I'd have spent all the rest of the evening, and most of the next day, seething and roiling with my anger and frustration. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy my own life for the next 12-24 hours, because I'd have been totally focused upon the source of my frustration. I'd have chewed the conversation over until I was in a livid boil of raging aggravation.

I used to begin by feeling mildly annoyed, work myself up into a fury, then go "deal with the problem" while I was in that state of rage, rationalising any bad behavior on my part by pointing to what the other person had said or done as my justification.

Al-Anon was the first place where someone suggested that perhaps what I was doing was having a temper tantrum. Or, to quote my first sponsor, a "hissy fit."

I was terrifically offended. I had been provoked! I had been mistreated! I had been offered the perfect excuse to "lose it" and had taken that excuse and run with it, as I so often did. I couldn't see that in doing so, I was damaging my own self esteem, because on some level, I knew that behaving that way wasn't acceptable, provocation or no provocation.

When I focus on someone else's behavior, and how they choose to behave, I am handing them my serenity on a plate. I am offering up my peace of mind, my ability to enjoy life, everything which makes my life worth living I'm handing over, and for what? The momentary satisfaction of of stating my own unsolicited opinion, or chewing over the wrong I decide that someone else has done?

It's counterproductive to spend my life that way. I want peace, and I want serenity, and I can find both of those in the same place they always wait - within me, when I'm in conscious contact with my Higher Power. I can't get there when I'm feeling angry or frustrated. I have to sit quietly, offer it all up, and be willing to have it removed.

I have to want to let it go, more than I want to be "right." Being right never did give me more than a bit of fleeting satisfaction - nothing like enough to sustain me in serenity.

Common Denominators - Impatience & Intolerance.

2011-12-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

For me, these two character defects are closely linked. Intolerance leads to impatience. When I'm not being convinced by intolerance that I know better how someone should think, feel, or behave, I've got endless patience. Conversely, when I'm feeling impatient, it's because I'm viewing another person through a lens of intolerance, and deciding that, measured against my standards of behavior, they fall short.

I was told by a sponsor, that whenever I would exclaim "I'd never do that!" I was demonstrating intolerance. I remember sitting thinking to myself that "all I was doing" was pointing out that my choices were vastly superior to those of the person against whom I was comparing myself. At some point, perhaps after repeated reminders, I vocalised this thinking. And was, as I was so often at the beginning, supremely annoyed to see my sponsor fighting a smile, as she explained that it was somewhat arrogant to describe my choices as "vastly superior."

I've been asked by sponsees how I can describe myself as filled with self-loathing, when I was such an arrogant ~~little snot~~ individual. My arrogance was driven by insecurity, a secret belief that I was "not enough." Not tall enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not rich enough. My car, clothes, house, none of these were expensive enough. Absolutely nothing in my life was enough. The only thing which ever escaped this incessant measuring-and-falling-short, was my dog. The dogs I've had through the years, were, to me, perfectly beautiful, and perfectly loving.

I had big dogs back then, not mini dachshunds, as I do today, but I've learned that the size of the canine package matters not, even the smallest of them have that amazing dog capacity for love; I think a dog is one of God's greatest gifts. I'd sit on the floor, hugging my dog, and my heart would swell with love and gratitude. I'd walk behind my dog through the woods, or beside the ocean, and feel a grateful contentment in that moment, long before I could identify that feeling.

I had what I once heard described in an open AA meeting as, "low-to-no self-esteem." The only way for me to deal with this, was to pretend first to myself, and then to others around me, that I was superior. I hid in plain sight, since the only person I managed to convince of this was myself - it seems as though it's fairly easy to identify low self-esteem in other people.

So, sneering at the choices of other people was the only way that I could feel a modicum of good feeling about who I was. But that passed off so quickly that I was always trying to find another way in which I could feel better than, superior, far above in knowledge, taste, attitudes, yada yada yada.

Intolerance led to impatience. Impatience tells me that I am being intolerant. And intolerance is never driven by a good feeling, a happy feeling. So when I feel impatient, I've learned to step back from the moment, detach, and ask myself, "What's going on? Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired? If none of those apply, what's lurking behind the impatience/intolerance? What am I not dealing with, elsewhere in my life?"

It's never about the person cutting in front of me in traffic, or elbowing me out of the way to grab the last item on sale, or snatching away the precise head of lettuce I was aiming to get, or being rude in any one of the myriad ways of which we humans are capable. When I'm in a state of serenity, I can let that rudeness slide right on by, and just - notice it, without an accompanying rush of hot feelings. In serenity, I can wave them in front of me, get that lettuce for them; I can say with a giddy delight to my friend, "Guess I wasn't meant to have one of those sale items today, let's go have coffee," I can respond to rudeness with a calm courtesy that is sincere.

My state of mind affects the way I view my world. My world doesn't change - there's still the same percentage of ~~lunatic~~ misguided drivers on the city streets as any other day - but I'm driving with my Higher Power's love sweetening the air in the car, and I'm at peace with the world.

How Not To Argue.

2011-12-15T11:56:00.000-08:00

Mr SponsorPants has an excellent post this year, about surviving the holidays.

One lesson I've had to learn time and again before it really sank in, (and over which I can still stumble when I'm not paying attention) was this one:

"5. Remember, don't expect Program responses from people who aren't in the Program."

When I've been brought up short to hear a truly nasty comment made, as soon as a family member left the room, it was, I later realised, because I was carrying an expectation. I've learned that I really don't want to be around someone who choses to behave in that fashion; I find it distressing.

I may have friends not involved in 12-Step who do not behave that way, but if they invite me to a family function, there's no guarantee that their family members are going to abide by my personal standards of courtesty and kindness.

I need to accept that reality, before I accept the invitation, and if I'm not sure, I can ask: "How does your family get along?" If the reply is an amused snort and the quip: "Bring your own stun gun," I might choose to avoid that particular get-together.

I have a dear friend who is an elderly man, and as long as he's not talking about his siblings, he is the soul of kindness and consideration. But let him swerve onto the topic of the shortcomings of one of those poor souls, and he will undergo a transformation into a vessel brimming over with an acid brew of judgement, rage and victimisation. I've learned to change the subject. Repeatedly. I mention the weather, tell him a funny story about my dogs, I ask after his arthritic knee. I do not respond when he throws out those bitter comments, trolling the bait across in front of me, hoping to hook me in. I see it, but I pretend that I do not - I let it pass by unremarked.

I don't have to attend to every comment offered. I can smile and murmur something vague and noncomittal. I can remark upon the briskness of the air today. I can compliment the lovely sweater the person is wearing.

I can LET IT GO.

Celebrations

2011-12-12T11:49:00.000-08:00

Last night we attended a celebration at the local John Howard Society's treatment and recovery house for men. One of my husband's sponsees is going through the program there, and he'd invited us to join him as his "family" because his birth family lives far away. This man has been in and out of treatment many times, and as the saying goes, "around AA" for a lot of years, but this time, something has changed. We had a few moments quiet conversation amidst the noise of happy chatter and laughter, when my husband went to speak to another friend. I could sense the difference in this man; his restlessness has gone, and so has the sarcastic and critical facade - he's found serenity.
Later, we all gathered in the main room and sat in peaceful communion, while the men in the house stood up one by one, and spoke of what it meant for them to be in recovery, to be clean and sober at this time of year, to have their family there to celebrate with them. Many had to stop and swallow several times to regain their ability to speak, because their gratitude brought such a powerful wave of emotion. (I'm hopelessly emotional in these gatherings, and used to try to be circumspect about wiping the tears from my eyes - I gave that up years ago. I know I'm going to weep throughout, and I accept that as just the way it is.)

When my husband's sponsee stood up to speak, I glanced at my husband beside me - his eyes, too, were full of tears. He loves this man the way he loves them all, wholeheartedly, with no judgement or reservation, through their disbelief, their anger, their frustration and despair - no matter what is going on for them. He's a rock of calm to which they can cling, he makes them laugh, and because he is an alcoholic himself, he heads them off at every attempt to justify or rationalise.

One sponsee came up to me last night and said laughingly that he finally had to start working the program because my husband was the first guy in AA he'd ever met who was just that tiny bit more stubborn than he was himself. He said to me, "He wore me down!" I hugged him and replied, "Oh bullshit, _____, you wore yourself down, he just kept you company while you had at it."

He grinned at me, and said, "I forgot - you've been in Al-Anon since I was 10."

I love these 12-Step celebrations; for days afterwards, I find myself remembering, and smiling.

Health And Attitude.

2011-12-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

I've been sick with a wierd flu the last few days, and apart from some sniffles, and for one day only, the slightest of coughs, the main symptom has been an overwhelming exhaustion, and a hard time getting warm enough - I've been sleeping in a fleece sweater for about twenty hours a day.

It's been interesting to notice that since I've been ill, my attitude hasn't been the best - as though my ability to let go is down with my physical health; an extension of hungry, angry, lonely, tired, I suppose.

Yesterday was particularly maddening, it seemed as though each time I awoke, my mind would leap immediately to assure me that something terrible was about to happen, and I needed to be worrying full-speed in order to forestall this. It took until a middle-of-the-night awakening and a desperately exhausted plea to my Higher Power to "Please take this from me," that I was able to feel that lovely peace once more, and fall back to sleep.

This morning, I'm not feeling much better physically, but my mental equilibrium seems to have been restored.

This has been an uncomfortable reminder of how life was for me before program - I'd be on the gerbil wheel of obsession about one thing or another almost every waking moment. No wonder I was "irritable and unreasonable;" it's a dreadful feeling. I'm even more grateful this morning, for all that I have gained and learned through 12-Step, and for the peacefulness I've been granted.

A long-time program friend laughs when she talks about these little reminders we receive now and again. She says she thinks of it as her Higher Power asking, "Are you really complaining because "you aren't moving fast enough in your recovery?" Here, have a day of what it once was like inside your head."

I'm still feeling lousy in the body, but today, I'm not projecting or worrying or obsessing, I'm relaxed, and grateful. Amazed that I ever managed to survive in that awful welter of negativity and fear that was the person I was, before Al-Anon. Deeply, wondrously grateful. I don't think I'll be doing any more complaining about how "boring" it is to be sick with the flu. Yesterday, I felt hard done by, being ill. Today, I'm thnking it's a pretty fair indicator of how good my life is nowadays, if that's my biggest complaint.

My friend says that for a long time, she wouldn't admit to these reminders, but now she does, to let the newcomers know that even those of us with a fair amount of experience, strength and hope are still on the same playing field as anyone else around the table; we're all in this together. And if for no other reason, let's be honest about ourselves, and give someone else a good laugh.

Forgiving Ourselves

2011-12-09T08:44:00.000-08:00

A reader left a comment about the difficulty in forgiving oneself for past wrongs inflicted upon family members.

I used to be a person who couldn't let go. Of anything. Not what others had done to me, nor what I'd done. I carried my memories (of miseries received, and those I'd dished out) like a ratty old sweater which I'd come at last to understand I didn't like, both for its ugliness and lack of ability to warm, but which I grabbed and donned without a thought, because every day when I arose, I put it on. It was just part of my morning ritual: wake up, get up, put on that guilt sweater.

I was disbelieving when it was suggested to me by other Al-Anon members that I could choose not to wear it. I remember wondering, what could I wear instead? It seems as though we Al-Anons are creatures of sustained, intense habit, and any presentation of options to replace our habits can be met with considerable rationalisation and justification of why we do the things we do, even as we admit to the unhappiness they cause us.

I was recently introduced to an idea I've been mulling over - we argue for our misery and our limitations so strongly, because it gives us the excuse not to change. If it's ferociously complicated and entangled and convoluted, why, no reasonable person could expect us to change much, could they?

Whereas, if it's quite a simple process, we have not much excuse. Simplicity can be done. If this 12-Step truly is a simple program, then I'm not practising it because I choose not to. I can say "It's so hard!" for as long as I decide to; there are no "musts" in Al-Anon, and nobody is going to tell me that I'm doing it the wrong way. I'm left to work at my own speed, and arrive at my own conclusions. I choose recovery, or I choose otherwise.

I used to believe that when I'd been in for many years, I'd be "fixed." I don't think that nowadays; I've got a greater understanding of the way this program works for me - what I get is directly proportional to my willingness to let go. I've given up trying to know why that is, and have accepted it as my personal truth.

An Exercise In Humility.

2011-12-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

Since having reconnected with my adoptive brother, we've been emailing back and forth several times a day, and the conversation ranges over a wide landscape. I've missed my brother's humour, it was always a delight, and we share a sense of irony.

It's an exercise in humility, reconnecting with my brother, because he thinks of me as I was before Al-Anon; that's how long we've been estranged. So he's talking to that person, and I can feel his confusion when it isn't that person who replies. In one email, he asked what I thought about how some people behave - this would have been an opening to a ranting diatribe of snarky humour on my part, all those years ago. This time, I replied mildly that I'd given up thinking that I knew best how the world should be run.

Because we were so close for many years, our reconnection was immediate, and the comfort is still there for both of us, but I think he's having a hard time wresting his mind around to the massive changes in my ways of thinking. He's writing to the person that I was, and it's the woman I've become who's writing back.

I was a furiously opinionated, sarcastic, self-centred, judgemental person when he last knew me. I get the feeling from his emails that he might be finding it rather astonishing to have the woman he thinks is still that person reply to his question soliciting my "opinion," with the statement "I try hard not to have "opinions;" they interfere with my efforts to achieve humility."

He's poking at me a bit now, with his questions and his teasing, and I can watch it happening - where is the person he remembers as his sister? Long gone to past history, thank God, and thank Al-Anon. I know we'll find our way to a peaceful relationship, once he realises and understands who I've become - he is an "old soul" with a kind and loving heart. I'm so grateful to have been granted the chance to make my amend to him, and to be able to answer all of his questions, and ask my own of him.

Love is a gift. I've been blessed in my life,

Common Denominators - Hounding.

2011-12-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

My dictionary defines hounding as "to pursue or harass without respite."
It doesn't matter why we do it - whether we are driven by fear or anger - our reason for doing this has not the slightest importance, although I've used that excuse to justify my constant pursuit and harassment of the alcoholics in my life. I've done it when I had no idea that I was being verbally abusive to keep repeating and repeating and repeating myself, and I've done it when I knew better, but was so angry I was unwilling to stop. I've hounded because I wanted to punish and control.

It was supremely difficult to learn to say it once, and then stop talking. I felt as though I wouldn't be heard were I not to pound my message home with repetition. And therein lies the truth of hounding - we are beating on the other person with our words. I'm sure we've all seen a dog cringing before a furious voice and menacing tone - we don't need to hit to be abusive. We can strike just as vicious a blow with "only words" - so did I defend myself to my first sponsor. The fact that we don't raise our voice, doesn't justify the use of words to hurt or shame.

I've had sponsees ask me, "But how do I make him see, if I don't repeat myself?" And I've given them that same blunt answer I received when I asked that question:

"You can't."

The 3 "C's" - We didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

Giving up the illusion of control can be threatening. We may feel as though we're stepping out onto uncertain ground. What we need to understand is that it's not our place to try to walk for someone else. We each walk our own path in this life, and the sooner we grasp that basic truth, the sooner we will be free of illusions which keep us stuck in pain and fear.

Reconsider - do you really need to say what you're thinking? Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it loving? If it is all of those, then say it once, and stop. If you're afraid you won't be able to do that, either don't start, or when you finish, remove yourself. Go for a walk, have a bath, read your program books or any other, finish a task; whatever works for you, go do it. Pray for peace - ask your Higher Power for serenity.

Let go.

Catharsis - A Deleted Post.

2011-12-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post two days ago, with the title "Catharsis," then went back later and deleted it, because I felt too raw and vulnerable. I'm not sure why, perhaps because what's happening is so precious to me that I want to guard and protect it? A moment of superstition? No matter.

This week, I've reconnected with my adoptive brother. We'd had a blowout (my fault) and didn't speak for a while (my pride and stubbornness - this preceded my joining Al-Anon) then later, he'd moved to another country, and I'd lost touch with him completely. After some time in program, I'd tried to reconnect, but my adoptive parents wouldn't give me his contact info, or him mine. Later, I tried to find him online, with no luck. I've tried many times since then to search online, with no result. My first sponsor suggested since I couldn't make the amend to him directly, I do it by writing a letter and reading it to her, and I did that, but I just could not lay it to rest. I've had no peace on that one thing for many years. I've tried to forgive myself, I've prayed and meditated, but I couldn't get there. I've tried and tried to let it go, but it's always been there, underneath. We were very close as children, and I've grieved the loss of that relationship a hundred thousand times.

For some reason, this week, a few days ago, when I did an online search, I included his middle initial, which I'd never thought to do before, and up it came - he's a member of faculty on a university in that country. I clicked on the link, and there was his picture, and an email address.

I prayed for guidance, wrote an amends letter and sent it off, heart in mouth. He responded within about 3 hours, warmly, thanking me, "surely accepting" my amend, and signed his response with "Love."

That undid me completely.

I cried so hard for about the next day or so, off and on, that, as I wrote to a dear program friend, "my eyes looked like little boiled cherry tomatoes."

I've carried the desire to make that amend for about 24 years. I've been afraid that he would die before I could find him, and make that amend to him.

I believe that this has happened at last, because I've moved forward in my spiritual growth of late. I've been doing what one AA speaker calls "seeking more" - making a concerted effort to work Step 11, and improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power. I've learned some painful lessons about myself and the way I still think and behave. I've grown in humility, and I've wanted that humility with all my heart and soul.

I think it was finally time for the reconnection with this wonderful man, my brother. My joy is like a heat in my chest, and the tears are washing out 24 years of close-held pain and regret.
"Gratitude" seems like such a small word to describe what I am feeling.

Common Denominators - Gossip

2011-11-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

I heard someone describe her experience when very new to Al-Anon: after the meeting, she'd been standing in a group talking, and when she had a chance, had interjected some gossipy comments about people in the group who'd already gone home. She'd expected the others to respond in kind, but there had been first a short silence, then one member started speaking about a major event which had taken place in his life recently, and the conversation proceeded. Until she got a sponsor, no-one had ever actually taken her aside and told her not to gossip. But she learned very quickly to feel the discomfort of the others in the group, and that is what stopped her from continuing this behavior - she didn't like being the cause of the discomfort.

No-one shamed her for it, no-one even laid down a boundary - which she freely admitted she would have trespassed, because of her character defect of defiance. She learned by example. She learned that no matter what, the members of her Al-Anon group would not gossip with her. She made us all laugh describing her astonishment that "these wierdos in this wierdo program" were all so nice -to one another, and to her.
From: "3 Obstacles To Success in Al-Anon,"

"Gossip. We meet to help ourselves and others to learn and use the Al-Anon philosophy. In such groups gossip can have no part. We do not discuss members or others, and particularly not the alcoholic; our dedication to anonymity gives people confidence in Al-Anon. Careless repeating of matters heard at meetings can defeat the very purpose for which we are joined together."

(Reminds me of an old AA guy who called Al-Anon "Our Ladies Of Perpetual Resentment." He'd coined that term when new to AA, and convinced that his wife sat around in her Al-Anon meeting telling terrible stories about him. His friend cut in with, "She had to, Al, it's an honest program.")

I couldn't see the harm in gossip, when I was new to our fellowship - why did they fuss so much about interesting conversation? Then when I did begin to grasp the reasoning behind the no gossip or criticism suggestion - in order for us all to feel safe, we need to show each other special kindness and consideration - I would feel uncomfortable when listening to gossip, but had no way to set a boundary. I've learned to temper my response to the person - with newer members, I aim for the gentlest of explanations - with those who've been in program for a few years, I'm more direct.

I can't change other people. I can't make them stop gossiping, but I don't have to provide an audience. That's my part, to remove my ears from the equation, and make a "door and a bar" for my mouth. I'm much more content, and feel safer in the world, when I am as loving as I am able.

Common Denominators - Forcing Solutions.

2011-11-24T23:13:00.000-08:00

When I consider the phrase "forcing solutions," I recall the sheer blind obstinacy I used to feel. I was a great debater, always prefacing my justifications and rationalisations with the same two words: "Yes, but..." I marvel at my first sponsor's patience as she answered my smokescreen-creating questions, and listened to my self-pity and victimhood, as I tried to convince her that my case was different. She would allow me to speak, answer my questions, ignore attempts to lead her down a side-road (in an attempt avoid discussing my character defects,) and gently remind me that I was here because I was miserable, and that perhaps I could learn to be happier, were I to try to be more open-minded?

I'd listen (no, since this is an honest program, I'll admit that I wouldn't listen, I'd wait until she finished speaking, the two are not the same, as I try to explain to my own sponsees) then start up with another scenario I'd plotted, about how I was going to "make the alcoholic stop drinking." Or "make him see how his drinking is affecting me, his kids, his parents, his business." Or "make him realise that he's ruining his life." I was determined to make him ______, and I exerted all my energy trying to force my personal solutions onto someone who had absolutely no interest in them.

20-some years later, my ex is still drinking. 10 years I tried to get him to quit, and I was spectacularly ineffective. Hours of plotting, time wasted on attempts to decipher his thinking, so that I could find a way to coerce him into doing what I wanted - ten years of my life slid past me relatively unnoticed, and definitely unlived. I may as well have slept through them.

One of my spiritual milestones, was the day that I first allowed myself to consider the miseries I had inflicted upon him, in service to my ego's belief not only that I could compel him to stop, but also that I had the right to try. Where did I get that idea? Most likely from having had the will of other people forced upon me, when I was a kid, and watching adults forcing their will upon other adults, and upon children. I think I grew up assuming that this was just what you did - manipulated and controlled, trying to get your own way.

When Al-Anon introduced me to the concept of powerlessness, I didn't like it one bit. I'd had enough of being at someone else's mercy, and I couldn't see how admitting that I was powerless, to the extent of not even trying to change the drinker, was going to bring me to recovery. Detachment sounded like lunacy - sit back and let him drink and ruin his life, my life, his kid's lives, his business? Detach what? My brain? My first sponsor and I had many conversations on this topic, with her patiently explaining one more time that if I couldn't stop him, I also wasn't "letting him."

When I surrendered, I was exhausted. I'd done everything in my power, and it had been like trying to bail the ocean with a spoon - kept me busy, but I could have been better occupied.

I try not to get in the way between people and their lives nowadays. It's not up to me to save anyone by trying to force solutions upon them. How do I know that their Higher Power hasn't arranged for precisely what I was trying to prevent, as a way to teach a lesson they desperately need to learn? It's freeing to step back, detach, and allow life to move along as it will. I can offer support, encouragement, hugs, love, and great ideas learned from those in program who went before me along this same roadway to emotional health.

Common Denominators - Envy.

2011-11-20T11:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not a person who is particularly attached to things - I've moved so many times, and sold or given away or donated so much "stuff", that I have zero emotional attachment to furniture, dishes, clothing, any of that sort of thing. It comes, it goes, and one is equally as good as another. What I've envied is people. I've envied my friends and co-workers their loving parents and family.
I was born to alcoholics, and my mother walked out on us when I was two. My father turned us over to the Children's Aid, who separated my sisters and I and placed us into foster homes. When I met my sisters again in my mid twenties, I discovered that we had all been physically and sexually abused while in foster care. There were too many children, not enough foster homes, and a lack of oversight.

Back then, if the case worker thought a child was getting "too attached" to the foster parents, you were moved to a different foster home. I was in foster care for four years, and moved quite a few times. Then, at six years of age, I was adopted. I thought I was finally getting the loving family I'd always dreamed of, but within a very short period of time, I was once again being beaten - this time by my adoptive mother. Her rage terrified me, and she did an excellent job of convincing me that I deserved the abuse I received from her.

I looked at school friends, and their families, and I envied them with a desperation that was almost a physical ache in my chest. I was furiously angry and resentful that I had been "ripped off" when it came to family life. Why me? It wasn't fair.

Al-Anon has allowed me to make peace with my childhood.

That's something I wouldn't have thought possible when I was new to program. Now that I'm safely out of it, I can view my pain as compassion training. I understand sponsees who come into this program with a furious rage burning inside them, and I understand desperate loneliness. I've been there. I know how that feels. I also know that it is possible to heal. Friends in Al-Anon have told me that I have given them hope for themselves when I describe the person I was when I was new in program - vibrating with rage against the unfairness of life, resentful, depressed, despairing. They just can't picture me as that person.

I had to accept that my past was what it was, and I couldn't change it. My only choice was whether or not I allowed the past, and the people who had abused me, to ruin the rest of my life. I will never forget the moment when that idea finally registered with me: I felt the truth of it like a blow, and was staggered by the possibilities. (Until then, I'd been half hearing it, and giving it lip-service in a people-pleasing sort of way.)

I could go to my grave still raging against what had been done to me, or I could make a choice to let it go, start from this moment, and use that lessons of that old pain to be of service now, today.
Now, when I hear people speak of their parents and family with love and gratitude, I can feel happy that they are happy, grateful for their gratitude, without wanting to exchange lives with them.
That's the difference.

Isolation

2011-11-18T23:42:00.000-08:00

A reader asked:

"So how do I begin to trust? I am very independent. My personal friends and acquaintances result in so much let down and are unreliable people. My famiy is entirely self absorbed. I have not begin to talk to others in the program at meetings beyond superficial hi and hello. I do not feel the need to call them on the phone or look for a person to be a sponsor.I conclude this is a trust issue.Need to change the isolation I am in. People = let down for me. I wonder, how can I get the support from people and a sponsor if I have a trust barrier? Any thoughts, suggestions or comments?"
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My first thought is to notice the way you've written about the people in your life: your friends and acquaintances are "unreliable people," your family is "entirely self-absorbed."

I know that when I get caught up in judgement of another human being, not only have I lost my focus on myself and my own shortcomings, I've also put on a filter which has the strange effect of only allowing me to see the negative aspects of life and other people. And most people aren't saints, which means that if I'm judging and condemning them, always aware of their faults, and how they've fallen short of my standards for them, they aren't going to be rushing over to me, wanting to be supportive.

Our attitudes color our perception of the world, and other people.
We get back pretty much what we put out - that's why people who are positive and cheerful tend to have a better experience out in the world, than those of us who are negative, critical, and judgemental. I was all of those, and more.

How did I begin to trust? By deciding to. By deciding that I could handle it if this person wasn't perfect, or let me down. I decided first to relax, and then to let go of all of my standards of behavior for other people. I work to let go of my expectations, good and bad. When I have no expectations, I can't be disappointed when they aren't fufilled. If I want to have a friend who is loving, supportive and trustworthy, I need to be that friend first.

Instead of demanding that I get, I want to be a person who is delighted to give. I want to be open-minded, accepting, and a generous giver of love.

Common Denominators - Dwelling & Domineering.

2011-11-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

My first sponsor used the description "chewing over" to describe the choice of dwelling upon, to the point of insanity, a passing remark made to us by another person. Seems to me that we members of Al-Anon tend to be dedicated dwellers - we can haul out a comment made weeks past, and commence a spirited and instense chewing, like some supercharged ruminant with their cud. I know I'd go for hours, trying to work myself into the person's head, to decide if I could figure out "exactly what they meant by that.." and feeling more resentful and angry the longer I chewed it over.

I heard an AA speaker describe the start of each and every day for him before his Fourth Step - first thing he did the moment he opened his eyes was to turn on his "resentment replay machine" and replayed every perceived slight he could remember receiving. Hearing this, I was laughing, but it was with a painful sense of identification - I'm sure that were I to add it up, I've spent literally years of my life feeling that terrible, grinding resentment.

As I've grown in Al-Anon, and learned how I have been the architect of my much of my own misery, I've been able to let go of all of my old resentments. When I think of my childhood, and my first marriage to a drinking alcholic, it's with a calm detachment. I don't fill up with that hot anger and resentment anymore. It happened, what can I learn from it?

Now, when I catch myself starting to dwell upon something just said or done that I don't like, I stop and pray to my Higher Power:

"Please take this from me, I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel your love, and be loving. I want to let go of my anger, resentment, judgement, and be filled with your love."

This works for me, each and every time I choose it. I can be loving, patient, tolerant, compassionate and maintain my serenity. I can speak with loving calm to the person, if I need to reset the boundary. I can let it go if I don't. Let it fall from my hand, and be swept away downstream, so that all I can see is the sparkle of light on water.
--------------------------------------

Domineering: my dictionary defines this as to "oppress; assume authority."

Did I oppress? Did I assume authority? Absolutely I did. I tried with all of my power to oppress the alcholics in my life. I assumed authority which wasn't mine to take, and commenced to browbeat, hound, rant and rave. I justified this behavior by pointing to the wrongs they had done to me. I transferred all blame to them, and could see myself as being purely innocent. When I began to work my Fourth Step, I was shocked to realise just how "selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and inconsiderate" I had been. I didn't want to see myself in that honest light. I wanted to blame, and slide out from under. I wanted to continue to be domineering and get my own way, because that was the only way I could see to get what I wanted in life.

I've noticed, through my time in Al-Anon, that I become less and less focused upon what I want in life, and more open to the will of my Higher Power. I don't fight and squirm for weeks and months, trying to force solutions. I try to let myself be guided.

I can't work to be open to guidance from my Higher Power, and at the same time, be domineering. I no longer have that strong belief that I know the right way. I see that I have my way, and you have your way, and I don't have the right to try to force you to live your life according to my rules. I don't even have the right to try to force myself to live by those damn rules.

It's like trying to force jello through a straw - I've got things I'd rather do, such as live in peace and serenity.

Thoughts about Sponsorship.

2011-11-13T23:40:00.000-08:00

To sponsees:

A sponsor isn't doing their job if they aren't irritating you on a regular basis. This might be because they're harping at you about getting together to work the Steps for your first time, or it might be because they insist upon pointing out certain annoying facts, such as, "Isn't that the twelfth job you've had this year?"

Don't pick a sponsor who reminds you of a family member. Ditto for accepting a sponsee. I did that once, and found myself gritting my teeth when she'd use the same phrases which made steam erupt from my ears when I heard them issuing from the alcholic's lips. It's good to have a little detachment in this relationship.

Be willing to listen, if you want to learn. Allow yourself to be teachable.

To sponsors:

Remember how afraid you were, when you were very new. Be as kind and loving as you are able - dish out love in great heaping armfuls. Be willing to repeat yourself endlessly without getting angry if the message isn't getting through - it took you a while, didn't it? Make them laugh. Laughter helped me to swallow some difficult realisations about myself, when I was working with my first sponsor.

Pray to be a conduit for their Higher Power. Read the books so you can say, "Courage to Change has a great reading on that," and find it to show them. They're going to need that reading some night when it's too late to call anyone, and they can't find their way alone.

Open yourself to the wisdom of humility.

Old Men And Poppies.

2011-11-09T19:11:00.000-08:00

Today, I had one of those moments in which our soul connects with that of a complete stranger, and we feel such a rush of pure love, it's almost painful.

Before I start, you need to know that apart from a feeling of gratitude for the lucky accident of birth which allowed me to be born in this country, I've never been particularly patriotic, and I consider myself a pacifist in every way.

I was at the grocery store late this afternoon, just as dusk was falling. Near the exit, were two elderly men in uniform, war veterans, standing behind a table with a donation box, some literature, and poppies. As my purchases were being rung through by the cashier, I realised that I was being moved to go over and speak to them, urged along by something greater than myself. I get these nudges now and then, and oftentimes it's when I'm feeling least like connecting and most like being a comfortable island unto myself, but I've learned to pay attention, and do what I'm being moved to do; it's always an incredible experience.

I walked up to the table, and was greeted with a friendly detachment. They smiled politely at me as I dropped money into the box and chose a poppy, then thanked me nicely, and glanced away. A second later, when they realised I hadn't moved on but was still standing there, they really looked at me, making eye contact, and when they saw that I was struggling to speak through a wave of emotion, they both went very still, and waited.

I swallowed hard over the lump in my throat, and said, "I'd like to thank you gentleman, for what you did for us."

Their faces lit up, and they smiled brilliantly at me, each man's eyes suddenly wet with tears, as were my own. I reached my hand out first to one, and then the other, and when each man grasped my hand, I said softly, "Thankyou."

It was a powerful moment of connection, love and gratitude.

Common Denominators - Caretaking & Control.

2011-11-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Not sure how far I'm going to run with this, but please feel free to suggest any topics you'd like to see addressed. A reader asked about "balance."

Prior to my finding Al-Anon, I had none. Over the years, I'd heard it suggested that it was a good idea to have balance in life, but I had no concept of how that might look, or feel. My emotional life was stunted, and largely negative - very rarely did I feel happy, and never, ever content. I was lonely and depressed when I was isolating myself, or put-upon and hard-done-by when I was trying to fix someone else's problems. (More on caretaking later in this.) In order to find balance, I needed to work the first four Steps. I had to admit my powerlessness, accept the concept of a Higher Power, turn my life over to that power, and do an inventory.

I smile with recognition, when I hear people talk about how they didn't work the Steps for a long time, because they "already knew they wouldn't work." AA's Big Book has a quote about that precise attitude: 'contempt prior to investigation' and I was a master at it. I used that attitude to keep myself stuck in that awful place inside my head. I hated being in there, between my ears, but do any of that silly stuff my sponsor was suggesting to me that I try? I knew it was a waste of time before even hearing what exactly it was that she was trying to express. For someone in such terrible mental shape, I was deeply arrogant.

The first 4 Steps put us into position to rocket off into another, better world. If we don't do them, we never achieve ignition.

On to caretaking. Whenever I was involved in caretaking, I'd start out feeling empathetic and compassionate, (and judgemental) which would trigger my impulse to help (and try to control) and soon I'd be enmeshed in the person's life and problems, trying to make them do what I thought they should, feeling utterly infuriated at the way this person was "taking advantage" of me.

Madness. Complete madness, and I did it time and again, year after year. Before Al-Anon, that's what I thought I was supposed to be doing, but I hated and resented the person I was trying to "help," for their (as I saw it) use of me, and myself for not having the courage to say "No." I'd get caught up in another's problems, because I thought I could see so clearly what the best solution was for them, and also believed that could I just make them see that I had the perfect solution for them, they'd leap to implement it, and their life would be so much improved! Why could they not grasp this simple truth, that I knew better than they did how they should order their life?

When I caretake, I am deciding that my opinions, ideas, attitudes, and habits are superior, and should be implemented.

My own life was a wasteland of rage, resentment and self-pity, but I thought I had wisdom to offer - an excellent example of the insanity of co-dependence. I thought I needed to stop caretaking in order to be free of someone else's unreasonable expectations. I couldn't yet grasp that what I most needed to let go, was my own misguided belief that I, emotional wreck of a person that I was back then, had any useful life advice to be ladling out.

When first introduced to the idea of "caretaking" I didn't get it. Aren't we supposed to be loving and caring and do for others? Loving and caring, yes - do for others, well, that depends upon the situation, and when I'm trying to force solutions upon someone, I'm caretaking. Enabling is caretaking. Putting someone else's needs before my own is caretaking.

Notice that I said "needs" not wants or desires. I need to eat, sleep, pray, exercise my body and mind, enjoy life, have time alone. I'm a person who needs time alone, to reflect, talk to my Higher Power, think, meditate. If I don't get some time alone in a day, I can feel myself becoming irritable and unreasonable. I used to think that this was selfish of me, when I was involved in caretaking of others. Now, I understand that this is how I am made - I need time alone. I desire it, and I deserve it - it's my right as a human being. I don't have to give up every moment of my time to other people, in a confused belief that being 'selfless' is either attainable or desirable.

Every time I refuse a request which would strain me to my limits to fufill, I am choosing not to caretake. I'm getting a much clearer idea of my own boundaries, and give as much as it is in me to give. Then I stop, and take the time I need to recharge. Doing this allows me to give with my whole heart, joyously, instead of grudgingly, seething with resentment.

When I don't give advice, I allow the other person to find their own way to sanity.

The Alphabet of Common Denominators - "B"

2011-11-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

A reader asked "what would 'B' stand for?" in a list of shared characteristics of many of us in Al-Anon. First word that sprang to my mind was: blame. Right after that, boundaries. I've written quite a few posts on the subject of boundaries, they can be found in the topics list, so I'm going to write about blame today.

I grew up in a very blaming household, and I internalised the message that whenever you're unhappy, frustrated, angry, find someone on whom you can lay the blame, and if they are within earshot, let them have it! If not, berate them vigorously behind their back.

I have a friend who is going through some problems of her own making right now, and she can't see this, yet. She will rant and rave to me about it, and if I suggest that she has the choice of changing her attitude, since she can't change the situation without making some rather drastic choices, she will reply, starting each time with those two words (which when I utilise them, I've come to realise mean I'm justifying,) "Yes, but..."
She's becoming more and more unhappy with her blaming of another person, demonising them, sliding out from under any idea that she has control over how she deals with that which she doesn't want to change. She's starting to become rather annoyed with me continuing to suggest that she adjust her attitude. I remember how irritated I became when I was new to program, and people would offer the same suggestions, and I'm swept with a powerful feeling of gratitude that they continued to repeat themselves for my good, and I repeat myself to my friend, with lashings of love and encouragement.

When I'm blaming, I can't see clearly. As MrSponsorpants writes so beautifully today, I'm determined to be a victim. When I've been in that headspace, I've been in a box of detemined misery, crunched uncomfortably in there, yelling and screaming about how miserable I am, meanwhile, I'm the one who taped the box shut from the inside, with blame.

When I'm blaming, I am handing my power, and my very life, over to another person, and saying, in effect, "You decide whether or not I have a good day, I'll wait here for your decision."

Last night, I'd made new curtains for our livingroom window, and when I brought the first one upstairs from my sewing room, my husband said, "I broke two branches off your favourite plant." I said, "Doesn't matter in the slightest; can we hang this and see if it's okay for length?" When I went back down and was working on the second curtain, I realised that at one point in my life, I'd have been really angry with him for breaking the branches off the plant - I'd have blamed him, labelled him careless for not thinking to move it out of the way, and ruined the evening for both of us. Over a plant. That confounds and amazes me, now. I felt almost gleeful to realise that what I'd said was nothing but the truth, it hadn't mattered one little bit - such freedom! The more I seek my Higher Power, the more I feel comfortable inside my own head.

The next time I went upstairs, I told him what I'd been thinking, and because I'd just been marvelling at the amazing changes we can achieve with the help of Al-Anon, if we are truly willing to work the program, and because I seem to be turning into a mushy and sentimental person in my middle-ages, his reply brought the sting of tears to my eyes. He said, "I knew you wouldn't care."

That one little statement meant so much to me, because it was a clear signpost of how far I've come with the help of this wonderful program. Let go of blaming. Pick up the reins of your own life, and take responsibility for it - only you can change your mood. Nobody "makes me feel" anything. I feel what I feel, and then I decide whether to nurse a grievance, lay blame and stew in that poisonous feeling, or let it all go, and be happy. Lighthearted, and content. Serene. If you can't let go on your own, ask your Higher Power to take it.

Blaming others kept me feeling victimised and desperately unhappy. When I stepped back from that, looked at it, and decided to go another, more loving way, I was rewarded with serenity and peace. The more often I chose this way, the less of a choice it became.

"Can Al-Anon Help Me With Anxiety?"

2011-11-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

I've added "anxiety" to the list of topics, and attached it to several posts, because anxiety seems to be a common denominator in Al-Anon. From today's reading in Courage to Change, page 306:

"Likewise, when my thoughts race out of control, I need to stop. I may do this by breathing deeply and looking at my surroundings. It can help to repleace the obsessive thoughts with something positive, such as an Al-Anon slogan, the Serenity Prayer, or another comforting topic that has nothing to do with my problem."

I learned how to head off panic attacks with the help of a kindly intern at a hospital, years before Al-Anon, but it wasn't until I got into program that I learned how to quiet the mental turmoil. A popular AA speaker in the States uses the phrase "ravaged by thought." An excellent description of what we do to ourselves. If I don't want to be ravaged by thought, I must be willing to let go of my worries, and not be chewing them over like a cow with its cud, all the while running like a madwoman on the gerbil wheel inside my head.

I need Awareness of what's going on in my internal dialogue, Acceptance of what it is that I can and cannot do, and then I must take Action by using the program tools I've been taught. It's up to me, in the end, because nobody can surrender or let go for me, I must be willing to do it myself.

When Life Isn't Going My Way.

2011-10-27T11:51:00.000-07:00

I have never been a patient person. I've had to learn how to practise patience with the continual process of letting go. Then letting go again the next time that thought arises. And the next time. And again. Some days, I just can't find a way to let go which will allow me to step away from that train of thought, so I ask my Higher Power to take it; I can't get distance from it on my own.

I have to let go of wanting to "control the details." When I want to control the uncontrollable, I will be filled with frustration.

Patience requires that I trust I will be looked after, guided, fufilled. When I truly trust, amazing things happen - I've seen them manifested in my own life.

Today, I'm going to work to let go with a light heart, and an open mind.

A Killing Disease.

2011-10-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

My husband came home one day this weekend looking exhausted and distressed. One of his newly-sober sponsees had received a cancer diagnosis several weeks ago, went back out drinking, and tried to kill himself with a mixture of pills and alcohol. He woke up to find himself still alive, and picked up the phone to call my husband and say, "Please help me!" My husband told him to call an ambulance, as he'd be admitted much more quickly than if the two of them went to Emergency, met him at the hospital, and spent a few hours with him, talking and listening, until he was calmed down. This man would not have tried to kill himself if he'd been sober - that happened after days of drinking, when the terrible despair, self-loathing and fear were consuming him.

My husband told me that as he was driving home, he was remembering when he used to drink himself into such a terrible physical state that he would end up in the hospital - seeing his sponsee in that state must have been like looking into an old mirror.

He's struggling with the realisation that he's powerless to help his sponsees past a certain point - he can give all his love and support, all that he has learned, and is learning, he can pray for them, but if they aren't ready, and they won't work the Steps, they probably aren't going to stay sober. He stood at our front door, taking off his coat and shoes, his face wrinkled in pain, speaking with love of this man who had just tried to kill himself.

He's visited this sponsee several times in the hospital, and is going to go take him to meetings in the hospital when he's well enough. I feel for his sponsee, and for him - he's facing the painful realisation that we cannot love someone into sobriety. Tonight, he built a big fire in our fireplace, and we talked about about what he can and cannot do.

He can express the love that fills his heart, give of his time and program knowledge, and - pray.

Recognising Our Own Patterns of Behavior.

2011-10-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

Last night we had friends over for dinner, one of whom brings his beautiful springer spaniel. After dinner, we were sitting around the fire, and we watched as his dog picked up a stuffed rabbit, and headed off down the hall, in that mysteriously purposeful way dogs have, even indoors. We asked, "Where's he going?"

Our friend answered, from where he was sprawled in the depths of a chair, "He likes to snoop."

That got us talking about dog behavior, trying to figure out why our little female dog won't share any of her toys with our male dog, yet his dog can walk into our house and do whatever he pleases, even with her favourite toy, a small stuffed rabbit. If this rabbit gets mislaid, falls to the floor and gets kicked under the couch, she cannot rest until it's retrieved. She comes home from a walk, and runs to make sure it's still safely on the couch where she left it. Yet our friend's dog can walk up and pull it from right under her nose, and she will watch, unconcerned. It can be squeaking non-stop under his vigorous chewing, and she will fall happily asleep on my lap.

But just let our male dog try to wander over and have a little sniff of this rabbit, and she'll leap to correct him with a loud snap! barely missing his nose. Our friend joked that he has enough trouble trying to figure himself out, he's given up trying to figure out the dog.

Later on last night, I was thinking about trying to figure ourselves out, and how intensely difficult that can be, when we have no guidance, or understanding; how pride will always manage to convince us that we don't need to do any changing, because hey, we're fine as we are, right? It's someone else's fault that we aren't happy.

Today, I was reading in the Al-Anon ODAT, page 296:

"The search for self-understanding is a difficult if not impossible, thing to achieve fully. But we can learn a lot about ourselves if we have the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions. We can, if we don't allow uneasy guilt feelings to obscure our good qualities, which we must recognise and build upon."

"...the courage to face our real motives, without deceiving ourselves with evasions." Time and again, what I hear from sponsees, when they get to this point in the process, is: "It's so hard!" And I reply, "Yes, it is hard. It's excruciatingly painful, like peeling a few layers of skin off without anaesthetic. But if you keep going, if you are willing to do this, on the other side, it's freedom, it's a blessing, it's a gift."

I had to be willing to say to that prideful self, that angry fearful self - "Enough. I've had enough of you being in control here - I want something different." I thought that humility was humiliation, and that it was kind of nutty to be always wanting to be more humble. But the more I work this program, the more willing I am to be wrong, to be mistaken, to accept that I have screwed up one more time, and I've been "deceiving myself with evasions" - when I see that again, and am willing to accept it, make an amend, and work to free myself of that pride, that lack of humility, my daily life, each chance I am offered to become more loving, and to share that love with others, it's impossible to describe the feeling - we have to take it on trust, when we're new, because we can't picture it at all.

I started out in Al-Anon, believing that I hated people - truly, I feared them, and my pride was propping up that shaky fearful self in an attempt to project something that other people would respect. I don't fear people the way I once did. I want to be loving, to give love and compassion, give whatever comfort and support I can, to be a conduit of God's love. That is truly the best way I can imagine living, and it's so far removed from what I once would have considered success ... not even on the same planet. The joy I have received from this, I can't even describe to you. Joy, peace, and humility - that's my serenity, and I have received it all through this wonderful program for living.

Accept, Or Be Driven Crazy, That's Your Choice.

2011-10-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

"What's a "quiet mind" and how do I get one?"

For me, it's a mind that isn't full of stress, resentment, frustration, impatience, plans, worries, stress.

How do I achieve a quiet mind? Through a little exercise called "thought-stopping." I try to be aware of what I'm thinking, and when I start down a negative path inside my head, I say to myself, "No, I'm not going to go there today" and deliberately begin to think of something which pleases me - this varies with each person. I might find gardening a pleasant thought - you may find it stressful. Think of whatever works for you.

This is a learned skill, and the more you practise, the better at it you will become. I've reached a wonderful place in my recovery now, where I can remind myself with two words: "God's love."

"How do I accept what I find unacceptable - the alcoholic's drinking?"

I understand that I have no control over what the alcoholic does. No control. Not some control, a bit of control, a bit of influence, some effect - none. When I was living with active drinking, and the alcoholic would pop that first beer of the day, I'd start up inside my head with all the angry, frustrated judgemental thoughts. I had to learn to be aware of what I was thinking, and not allow myself to think those things, because the more thinking I did, the worse I felt. I could barely begin to understand detachment at that stage, but I believed my sponsor had it, and she was firm in her belief that I could acquire it through working the first 3 Steps, so I chose to start out by trying to believe her.

"What if I don't want to accept?"

You don't if you choose not to, but if you don't accept, nothing much will change. I didn't want to accept, but I did want to feel better. I was promised that working the program would help me to feel better, so I decided to do it. It worked. Once I realised that, I didn't have any more difficulty in motivating myself to continue. If you can't believe for yourself that this will work, can you believe that it has worked for the other long-timers in Al-Anon, and start from there?

"Why do I have to work the Steps?"

Well, you don't - it's entirely your choice how far you get into this program, and how deep your recovery runs. Some people never do work the Steps, they just go to meetings - and they don't get all of the peace, serenity and joy available to them, they get just enough to manage. I wanted more than just to manage. I know that's maddening to read or hear, but it's the truth for me.

"Are you in a different place than you were 5 years ago?"

Yes, hugely different. And if I keep this up, and stay alive, I'll be in a hugely different place again, in another 5 years. But for now, I live one day at a time, and marvel at my gratitude and serenity, some days. I pray to achieve that every day, and I believe I can, if I'm accepting, and keep letting go.

Judgement.

2011-10-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

I met with a sponsee yesterday, and the topic of judgement arose, as it so often does with those of us in Al-Anon. I came into this program with the firm belief that it was not merely acceptable for me to judge other people, but a necessity, to keep myself safe.

When my sponsor tried to show me that I was constricting myself with my judgements of others, I didn't get it. I judged her for not judging. I marshaled all the usual reasons for my thinking, and carried on, secure in the knowledge that I was right, and she was wrong. Loving, kind, accepting, wise in so many respects, but in this area, somehow confused and mistaken.

When I am loving and accepting, I'm open to my Higher Power; when I'm in judgement mode, I'm choosing to close myself off, and live inside that tiny box of self.

I'm not suggesting for a moment that I live in complete acceptance of everyone and everything - my ego is still far too strong to allow me an unrestricted journey. It offers me suggestions on how to think on a regular basis, and is particularly vociferous when I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired - HALT. Then it's up on the soapbox declaiming about this, that and the other thing, and it takes concerted effort on my part to remember to stop what I'm doing, close my eyes (or not, if I'm driving) and ask my Higher Power to "please take this, I don't want to feel this way."

When I ask, I always get relief. That yapping in my head is quieted to a indistinguishable murmur, and I feel love, acceptance, serenity. It's my choice - do I want to have that channel to my HP open, and feel that loving wonder? It's hard to imagine not wanting it, but the ego is amazingly strong in us. Ego tells us many stories; before Al-Anon, I thought my ego was honest with me, only telling me the truth. Regular, daily practise of Step 10 has made it very clear that my ego is often wrong. Spectacularly wrong, too, not just slightly mistaken. I'm tired of listening to my ego. I want peace. I can only achieve peace when I'm willing to let go of judgement.

When I realised how simple it is, I couldn't believe it. You mean all I have to do is ask? But what about all these other complications?

The longer I'm in Al-Anon, the simpler my life becomes.
I've only recently gotten over what felt like a major hurdle with regard to my spouse, and my judgements about what he should or should not be doing, in and out of his program. From the other side, that hurdle was massive, huge, it blocked the light, it made forward motion impossible, I couldn't imagine how I was going to get over that one, or even if I wanted to, in truth.

Until I decided to surrender completely, and ask my HP for help. Up until then, I thought I was surrendering, but I wasn't; I'd always kept a little piece of it aside, and that piece was a judgement. My HP can't get to me, if I've closed myself off with a judgement. The door only opens from one side. My side.

And finding myself on this side of it, I'm trying to see where exactly it was - you mean that barely distinguishable wrinkle was my hurdle? But that's impossible! It was massive, huge, it blocked the light. I couldn't get past it, I...wow. Just that little wrinkle, that's what I've been trying to get over all this time? It's funny. It sure wasn't funny from the other side, but on this side, it's hilarious.

I pray to always want to be more loving, more accepting, to keep that door to my HP standing wide open, and propped open with the rock of Al-Anon.

Cherishing Opinions.

2011-10-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

From Courage to Change, page 288:

"Do not search for the truth," said an ancient patriarch, "only cease to cherish opinions." For me, ceasing to cherish opinions is part of the Tenth Step. Much of what I find wrong in life is related to my opinions - that is, my prejudices, assumptions, self-righteous stances, attitudes."

I love that.

Which of my cherished opinions am I able to drop today? Can I let go of this? How about that? Oh, there's an old one, fling that sucker into the round file!

So much of this is mental fluff, presented to me as truth when I was a kid, or an adult, and which I dutifully adopted to please - a teacher, a partner, a friend. The more of it I manage to clear out, the more loving and accepting I am able to be, and the more people I can be of service to, in program. Some of my newer sponsees don't get it yet - I can see in their faces that they don't understand how I can be accepting of them, but also of this other person whose opinions differ from theirs in every conceivable way. Sometimes they will try to pin me down on what I think, and I can see their frustration when I reply that I don't have an opinion on that.

"But you must!" one said to me, the other day.

"Why must I?"

"Because everyone does!"

"Why is it important to you?" I asked.

"I need to know where you stand." Her face was wrinkled with frustration.

"I stand right smack dab in the absolute middle - I could see all sides, I could agree with all sides, and I could disagree with all sides, so I decided to let that one go."

"But what do you think when you think about it?" Her voice was beginning to take on a note of irritation; perhaps she imagined I was teasing her.

"I don't think about it."

She leaned back in her chair, and looked at me for a bit, then said flatly, "I don't believe that."

I smiled at her with love and affection, and replied, "That's okay, too."

Her next question made me burst out laughing: "Was your first sponsor this irritating?"

Oh, easily. I was strongly opinionated, and it was beyond me that a person could be any other way but full to bursting with opinons, ideology, attitudes. I had that thinking of "I am this way, so everyone is this way, and anyone who says they are not this way, is trying to pull a fast one on me." It's why I had so much trouble with the concept of letting go - I thought I needed all of it. I belived that the mental stuffing was what made me "my own person." I had to be in program for quite some time before it began to dawn on me that I was anything but my own person.

It wasn't until I started trying to examine those parts of myself most strongly affected by people-pleasing, that I began to see any of this clearly. And as I go along in program, I find it happens all the time that I will come around a corner in my thinking and stop short, amazed to see yet another pile of bits and scraps taking up space in my head. I sift through, and some of that stuff is ancient, got shoved in there when I was just a kid, and never looked at closely again. It was put there and forgotten, but was still taking up space, and collecting dust.

I pray for the increased ability to stop "cherishing opinions." It started out being a painful exercise, but now it's like spring cleaning - feels so good to get rid of that stuff.

Carrying The Message.

2011-10-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

I love it when I meet with a sponsee, and one of the topics which arises, is the idea that we have a choice as to how we respond to the events in our lives. Without fail, this will be met with the same polite disbelief I used to show my first sponsor when she'd say that to me. I remember how simply impossible that sounded.

I'd been swept and spun and roiled and shaken by my emotions for all my life, and the idea that I could chose not to be miserable seemed highly unlikely. But what I have discovered, to my delight, is that this is nothing more than the truth. And with that truth, comes total freedom.

I read a blog the other day, in which the author stated that happy people don't "ring true" for him. For most of my life, I'd have agreed with that statement whole-heartedly. Why? Because I wasn't happy, so I didn't believe it was achieveable.

This is why carrying the message to others is so important, why we who have been in program for years and have attained a state of serenity unimaginable to us when we started, need to keep going to meetings and working with sponsees. I'm not always coasting through my life feeling joyful, gleeful and delighted, but the time I spend in those powerfully happy states of mind is increasing all the time as I work my program, and it will for you too, if you truly make the effort to work yours. Lip service won't get you far, neither will working the program once a week for an hour, inside your home group meeting. You need to extend your efforts to daily life.

I recall when the phrase, "You've nothing to lose but your misery" sounded to me like empty-headed Pollyanna piffle - now that I know it's the simple truth, I need to keep on carrying that message to those who are in that same state of miserable desperation. I do it to pass on what was so freely given to me. All those hours of patient listening, and patient reiteration, and patient loving which I received, I like to pass that forward.

Do Your Own Research

2011-10-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

When we moved into this house, it was the first time in twenty years or so that I'd had to deal with an oil furnace. We've had every other kind of heat imaginable, but not oil. One night shortly after moving in, I was out for coffee with friends after a meeting, and the topic of home heating came up, and I asked if the fuel companies offered equal payment plans, since a full tank of furnace oil can be costly. I was assured by everyone at the table that they may have done at one time, but didn't any longer, for whatever reason. I thought that strange, since the hydro and natural gas companies offer this service, but shrugged it off, and it slipped my mind.

When I decided weeks later to find out for myself, I discovered that they do offer this service. Now had you been with me at that table, you might have been momentarily convinced, as I was, that the opposite was true, so firmly was it stated. This is an aspect of human nature that I've always found utterly fascinating - we are never so convinced of our rightness, as when we are wrong.

My husband and I were trying to recall the name of something the other day, and he kept stating with great firmness, "It begins with a "C", I know that." Of course, when I finally went and looked it up, it didn't. We had a wonderful giggling fit over that one, and how convinced he'd been that he was right about the first letter, even if he couldn't remember the word itself.

I think what's going on when we speak so deteminedly about whatever it is that we don't know for certain, is wanting to be seen as a person with something to offer, whether that's information, knowledge, learning, whatever our individual egos seek. We have a fear of appearing stupid, or unevolved; we fear being judged as somehow lacking. When most of us are relative newcomers to program, we have such ferocious negative judgements of ourselves, that we tend to assume that other people will be judging us with that same harshness. As we begin to understand that inside a meeting, we will be met with love and understanding, we become more able to admit to our mistakes, and then our character defects.

I know that when I came into Al-Anon, I was not a person who was very capable of loving - not myself, and not other people. I have slowly learned how to love. I have seen love and caring demonstrated, and over time, began to want to be that way. Each step towards being more loving has required that I let go. The biggest letting go for me has always been fear - fear of so many aspects of life. Fear of failure/ fear of success: fear of other people/fear of lonliness: fear of being loved, and the resultant obligations/fear of never being loved, and the resultant misery: fear of getting close to my Higher Power, and having to let go of my character defects/fear of never letting go of my character defects, and because of that, never getting close to God....the list was endless.

I've noticed that in the last couple of years, I've had a huge leap forward in my spiritual growth. I believe that this is a direct result of my deciding to let go of more. Of everything, really. And deciding that I was going to try to live more in this moment - not just today, in right now. Right now, I'm writing. Right now, I'm walking the dogs and enjoying the scent of the breeze from the ocean. Right now, I'm pulling laundry from the washer, and putting it into the dryer, looking out the window and seeing the beauty of the giant cedar in our back yard.

Right now, I'm sitting in a chair in my livingroom, with a small warm dog sleeping in my arms, talking 12-Step to my husband, while the fire crackles and spits.

One AA speaker said something that rocked me: "Can you think of anything that doesn't take place in the moment?" For some reason, that one sentence kept popping into my head at the most interesting of times, reminding me that there is no other time but now. The same speaker talks about being "ravaged by thought" - that was another phrase that kept coming back. I was absolutely "ravaged by thought," when I was new to Al-Anon, and for many years into my recovery. I spent many years making my life a desperate misery in the present moment, by ravaging myself with thought.

The way it is inside my head now, pretty much as soon as I catch myself beginning to do that, I stop immediately, and ask my Higher Power to take whatever it is from me. I give it over with a sigh of gratitude, knowing I'm going to receive serenity. I've done that so much in my life, and I am not willing to do it one more hour of one more day. I don't know how long I've got on this planet before I die, but I want to let all of that crap go, and live my time joyously.

Personal Etiquette, or Character Defect?

2011-10-11T12:32:00.000-07:00

Before Al-Anon, I had an attitude common to many people - that my personal rules of etiquette were the "correct" ones. So if you did things differently, I'd respond in various judgemental ways, but the end result was that you were wrong, I was right, and why wouldn't you change to fit yourself to my rules?

We all have various things we consider "rude." It's rude to read at the dinner table. It's rude to eat in the livingroom. It's rude to say "I don't feel much like talking right now, but I'm happy to listen." It's rude to wear shorts to church, not to remove your hat indoors, to walk in front of me, to cut in front of me when driving, to 'steal' my parking spot, to fold towels differently than the way I showed you way back when we first got together...

The list is endless, and varies wildly from one person to another. If a friend, partner, or family member does something which contravenes our personal rules of etiquette, we have several ways in which we can respond. We can say, "I wish you wouldn't wear your hat inside the house," and then engage in a power struggle, trying to force them to remove it; they'll most likely be equally as determined to keep it on. We can harp and yarp along those lines each time they enter the house and don't remove their hat, and by doing so, create a major issue between us.

We can look at this "rule" and ask ourselves, "Where did this originate? Is this a rule I learned in childhood, or did I make this one up by myself? What is this about? Why do I care? How Important Is It?"

We can decide that we are going to let it go, stop taking it personally, stop allowing ourselves to extrapolate from that hat, all sorts of stories inside our own heads about what that means with regard to their respect for us and our living space, wishes, wants, blah blah blah.

When I decide to make a big deal out of the fact that another person's rules of etiquette differ widely from my own, I am creating a problem where none exists. Now, understand I'm not speaking here about someone stomping all over personal boundaries set to keep myself safe and comfortable - I'm talking about the wider range of etiquette rules such as "Towels must be folded in thirds lengthwise, then in half." "Cups go into the cupboard with the bottoms up." "Never put into the sink, anything which can be fitted into the dishwasher." "Never put anything into the dishwasher without rinsing it first." "This is how you fold a fitted sheet. It's rude not to make conversation first thing in the morning. People should sit at the kitchen table to drink their first coffee, not at the computer, or the tv. You should never interrupt when someone else is speaking."

Some of us, (and I include myself in this group) have a tendency to rigidity in our personalities. If not carefully paid attention to, this character defect can cause problems for us, by insisting that everyting be done "our way." Why? Well, because that's the right way, of course.

When I learned that I could let go of all of this, and nothing major would happen, the house didn't disintegrate into a slum, the dishes still got clean regardless of how they were loaded into the dishwasher, (and if they didn't, that didn't matter either, they could be rewashed) that I was "taking offense" where none was ever intended, and I was doing it around these rules of etiquette, that was enormously freeing.

I'll share something which I suddenly realised about 10 years into practising this wonderful program of ours: I've never yet worked to let go of something, only to wish I had it back. Never. Those rules and regulations of mine kept me a prisoner in my frustration. When I let it go, and it's gone, and I can look at whatever is happening with no need to take offense or get all worked up, I feel delighted.

How Badly Do You Want Recovery?

2011-10-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

Syd mentions in his post today, people commenting upon the distance he has to drive to attend meetings, and how for him, it's worth the effort and time. I can relate to that one. About 10 years ago, we were living in a tiny village up the island, and the Al-Anon meeting there was very small, with people who would come for a while, then not, then show up again for a few weeks. Apparently, at some point in the history of the group, there had been a serious breach of anonymity on the part of one of the members, and it just never seemed to recover from that betrayal. I guess people in towns that small have long memories.

During one of the stretches when I was the only person who showed up, I sat there one night, and wondered what I was doing, trying to keep a meeting going, when nobody but me seemed to care enough to be there on a weekly basis. I called the next-most-regular attendee, and said I would be dropping off the church key, as I'd decided to drive to the next town down-island to attend a meeting.

For a year or so, until we moved there, once a week I would get into my car and drive for an hour and twenty minutes through beautiful wilderness, on some of the worst road on this island, attend an Al-Anon meeting, and then drive an hour and twenty minutes to get home. The very first night that I did this, my way home was lit by a huge silvery moon.

I often had people marvelling at the distance I drove to attend an Al-Anon meeting, and I'd just smile and reply that it was well worth it. I'm firmly committed to my recovery, and I didn't want to backslide the way I knew I would if I missed that weekly meeting. Al-Anon, and the wisdom I've received from it, is vital to my happiness today. My gratitude is boundless, but I've also got the willingness to keep on showing up. I've rarely missed a meeting since my very first meeting 26 years ago. I've attended meetings when I was in a stretch of back pain so severe that I had to stand through most of it, and I've attended when I felt I had nothing at all of positive worth to share. I keep coming back.

Life Is An Ongoing Lesson.

2011-10-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

From Courage to Change, page 280:

"Although the crisis that brought me to Al-Anon may be past, there is always something new to learn, even after years of recovery. We change. Opportunities for spiritual growth, as well as new character defects, pop up like weeds in a newly-mown lawn, and we find ourselves turning to the Steps for a fresh look."

My Higher Power seems to be offering me lessons in patience on a daily basis, in the last while. Or at least, that's what I thought. Until yesterday, when something further was illuminated, and I realised that another interpretation entirely was possible. It seems that whenever I am open to learning one lesson, and really try to surrender to it, my Higher Power will lead one step further down the path, and then another and another. I can start feeling somewhat like a new puppy being coaxed along with a treat, to learn a lesson - I'm focused on one thing, the "treat" and I don't even realise that I'm being taught something, until the lesson is over for that day.

Yesterday was one of those days. I had a period of struggle and self-doubt, and then realising what I was doing, decided to let it go, surrender to it. As soon as I did let go, a realisation was offered to me which was quite difficult to accept. But I know, if I know anything, that these are the lessons which are powerfully helpful in the long run, the ones I have to choke down in the moment, so I tried to be open, and not shrug it off.

So that's where I'm at today, still fresh from yesterday's lesson, feeling a little bruised in my ego (blasted ego!) but accepting, and on the other side of the amend I made, once I understood the message.

Today is another new day in which I can practise these principles in all my affairs. I'm grateful for the blessings in my life, and the love which surrounds me.

Consistently Untrustworthy.

2011-10-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to learn to "trust my experiences more than the untrustworthy words of others." This has always been a stumbling block for me in program - several times, I've negated my feelings of caution regarding the level of trust I should place in a person I've met through Al-Anon, and then regretted it when my concerns have proven to be accurate.

As MrSponsorpants points out, attending 12-Step meetings for many years does not indicate recovery, any more than sitting in our garage turns us into a car.

When someone consistently stomps my set boundaries, or refuses to respect my heartfelt requests that there be "no gossip or criticism of one another" what are my choices?

I can "say it one more time." (And just how often is that effective?)

I can fall silent and tolerate unacceptable behavior. This will cause me no end of discomfort, resentment and unhappiness.

I can avoid them - treat them with respect and courtesy when I encounter them at an Al-Anon meeting, but sidestep any invitations to get together.

I can take the difficult path of being kindly direct, letting them know exactly why I will not be seeing them socially in the future. With a sponsee new to Al-Anon, I have much more willingness to restate and restate my boundries, remind them that if they want to feel safe, they must behave in a safe fashion towards the other people in (and outside) the meeting. I certainly needed to learn to adopt an attitude of loving acceptance towards my fellow members of Al-Anon, I didn't arrive at the doors of the meetings rooms with it.

I don't want to spend my precious time with those who have attended meetings for many years, but who still do not respect the principles of 12-Step. I can like some aspects of their personalities, and still know that for me, they are not a safe person with whom I can be friends. I don't want to listen to gossip and criticism about the members of my home group, I find it extremely distressing.

Some days, there is no other way for me, but to say "Thanks, but no thanks." That's just life.

Reader Questions

2011-10-03T01:11:00.000-07:00

"How do you set boundaries with an alcoholic? Do you continue to let them live in your home? I just found your blog through Syd's so I really don't know your living situation. Many people say throw the alcoholic out, let them suffer the consequences of their drinking. What is your take on this?"

-------------------------------------------------------

Some members of Al-Anon are able to live with a partner, child or other family member who is still drinking, and in spite of that, create a satisfying life for themselves - I'm not one of them. I lived with active alcoholism for the ten years my first marriage lasted, and it was utter chaos. When I married my second husband, he'd been sober for 8 years, so I considered him "cured." I'd been in Al-Anon for a while by then, but was still relatively ignorant about the disease of alcoholism, and didn't understand that sobriety and recovery were not synonymous. I had some heavy denial operating around this, and have written about that here and here.

I do know that in both my first marriage, and this one, it's a painful truth that as long as I would tolerate unacceptable behavior, that's just what I got. Without consequences, there was no change.

It wasn't until I set clear boundaries, and became willing to deal with the results of setting and maintaining them, that behavior improved slightly. It wasn't until I began to consistenly challenge insults and blaming, and to say, "Please don't speak to me in that tone of voice" that they'd back down, apologise, and be more polite.

It's a truism that we teach people how to treat us. Some folks will not respect us, unless we demand respect, and ensure that there will be consequences when they trespass against our boundaries. This consequence may be a refusal to do favours, it may be a calm and polite challenge of their treatment of us - whatever works for us. Perhaps it's a detachment and removal of our emotional connections.

I'm a strong proponent of the "don't give advice" school - I can't know the best course of action for you - only you can.

I can listen, I can help you reason things out, I can sponsor and support you, but I don't give advice. Best of luck, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Question.

2011-09-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

"Can you give some concrete examples of how you've changed, since being in Al-Anon?"

Here's two from yesterday:

I went for lunch with a friend, to a small coffee shop near here. I ordered decaf, a chicken salad sandwich, and a cup of soup. The soup was barely warm, the coffee didn't come until I'd almost finished eating, and I received an egg salad sandwich instead of chicken salad, and you know what? None of it mattered. It was interesting to notice these things, but I had zero emotional response to them, it was more along the lines of "Look at that, egg instead of chicken - lots of mayonnaise, just the way I like it. This soup is delicious, could be warmer, but tastes marvellous. I'm so grateful to have Mary as my friend, she's a treasure. Oh, here's my coffee, that looks nice and hot. Our waitress has a lovely smile and she's so friendly, I like that in a restaurant."

Before Al-Anon, each of those insignificant things would have annoyed me no end. I'd have complained nonstop to my friend, who wouldn't have been able to enjoy her own lunch for my nattering, and I'd have made us both unhappy with my ranting. Before Al-Anon, if one thing wasn't exactly how I wanted it, everything was ruined. I'd have taken those mistakes personally, and I'd have seen them as just another indication of how lousy my life was, how things never worked out for me, yada yada yada.

I was a chronic complainer, and now I'm not. When I was first learning how, I had to make a conscious effort to be grateful: now it comes naturally.

Later, I was out delivering flyers for the business on the beautiful fall afternoon, and as I started up one driveway, a very large dog came rushing out of the open garage, walking with his tail straight up, slightly stiff-legged, and growling a warning. I decide to respect his request to remove myself from his property, and turned to tuck the flyer into the lattice on the front gate. I felt a warm bump on my thigh, and looked down to see him doing that silly little dance dogs all seem to do when they want attention, tail wagging furiously, and quite delighted with himself. I pulled the flyer from the gate, and as I walked up the drive with him, we had a nice little love-in, consisting of him giving me gentle nudges with his muzzle, and then wiggling happily as I stroked his head. As I left him, I told him to "Stay" and he did. I walked down the driveway feeling grateful for all the dogs I've known and loved, and all the ones I've only met in passing, but still enjoyed.

That got me thinking. about the way that many of my greatest life lessons have arrived looking the way that dog did - a little intimidating. When I've heard, respected and accepted the message, instead of fighting or struggling against it, those lessons have moved me forward in great leaps of understanding. With the understanding, has come a greater sense of peace and serenity.

I used to try to control everything, and now I don't. When the dog comes rushing out to say, "This is MY driveway!" I don't try to cut past him on the grass, I raise a hand in surrender, and say, "Your driveway, right, got it." Respect goes a long way in relationships; most of us just want to be recognised and heard, and once we are, we can relax and say, "You can come in, if you want; I'll walk with you."

"Talk To The Hand..."

2011-09-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

One useful lesson I've learned in Al-Anon, is to stop flogging a dead horse. If twenty zillion times of saying the same thing hasn't had the desired effect, why would I imagine that the twenty-zillion-and-first time would?

I can say what I need to say to reset a boundary, or, if asked, impart information, but I can stop to question my motives, and if I'm trying to control, then I need to let it go, put it down, close my mouth, walk away, just give it up.

I had one of those moments of illumination last night, and in the past, I'd have tried to share that with the alcoholic. Forcibly, if necessary, with a raised voice and angry tone. But I've learned the very valuable lesson that if the stove is hot, don't put my hand down on the burner just to check and make absolutely sure that it's as hot as it looks. If every other time I've tried to express my feelings about the way I'm treated, I've been met with disdain and dismissal, why would I think this time will be different? If the burner is red, the stove is hot. Keep my hands in my pockets.

Extra What?

2011-09-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

I've been very busy the last few days, building the website for my new counselling practice. It's amazing the pressure involved in trying to get something like that done quickly. But it's online now, so I can turn my attention to other things.

Out walking the dogs with a close friend the other day, talking about the ways in which we've changed in Al-Anon, I mentioned that I used to mutter angrily to myself about how much I hated my life, but through being willing to work this program, all of that anger has slipped away, and I will catch myself thinking exuberantly, "Life is good!"

My spouse and I were looking at old photographs last night, and it was interesting to see the different emotions they evoked in the two of us. The time in which those pictures were taken, was a period of great disillusionment for me - I'd been coming to the realisation that a long period of sobriety didn't mean that a person was recovered, it only meant they'd stopped drinking. He'd been sober for 8 years, and I'd been fairly new to Al-Anon when we got together; I hadn't understood that the two were not the same thing.

Looking at those photos last night, and listening to him speak about that time, as though it had been a wonderful time in his life, I was bemused. I look back at all that went on, and wonder, how did I not recognise what was so plain before me? It's an indication of just how strong denial can be, when the reality is painful and unwanted. We were married, living in a tiny village where he knew everyone and I knew no-one, (he'd insisted and cajoled, until I agreed to move away from my support system, and all of my friends) he was working long hours and never home except to sleep, and I had myself and my dogs for company.

I had adored and trusted him; as I began to understand who he was when he wasn't putting on his public persona, I felt bereft.

Emotionally, I went underground for many years, and just endured. Eventually, I convinced myself that I hadn't felt what I did, and that life was fine, I was fine, our marriage was fine. I had help in this, because everyone was always telling me, (I still hear this regularly) what a great guy he was. I'd thought that too, before I'd married him. I doubted myself and my feelings, until one day when we were talking about the way he treated me, and he said, out of the blue, that he'd treated his first wife exactly the same way.

That was rather an offhand statement, in his mind, but it was the key to freedom for me. Through working with my sponsor, and working the Steps with a renewed determination, my denial about the marriage began to crack and break up. When I started to be honest about what I thought and felt in this relationship, I was met with a steely resistance. My spouse wanted it to be the way it had been, and it took probably a year, before he truly understood that it was never again going to be the way it had been, that I have changed in some fundamental way.

This change in me has been a real cage-rattler, but I'm enjoying it immensely for the added peace, serenity and detachment I'm feeling.

A Question About Distancing.

2011-09-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

Between Syd's post, and a question I received:

"Is it okay to distance myself from a family member who continues to treat me with sarcasm and rudeness?"

- what's on my mind today, are the sufferings we endure, when our fear precludes our setting boundaries around unacceptable behavior. I accepted many years of abuse - physical, emotional, verbal - because my self-image was so damaged that I didn't believe I had the right to say, "No more!"

When I was a kid, whatever happened behind the closed doors of a family home was the inhabitant's business, and no-one would interfere, as long as it didn't become blatant.

Things are somewhat different now, at least with the justice system in this country. If I were to call the police because the neighbour was screaming abuse at his wife and kids, they'd come out and talk to him, give him both a warning as to his behavior, and options for seeking treatment for anger management.

But how many of us convince ourselves, that we have no choice but to accept unacceptable behavior, for one reason or another? I know I struggled for years with feelings of hurt and distress, with "jokes" which were nothing of the sort, they were thinly-veiled insults. If I protested, I'd be asked, "Can't you take a joke?" or be told, "I was only kidding."

It wasn't until I decided that I was going to challenge each and every one of these "not-jokes," that they diminished in frequency. As long as I tolerated them, the alcoholic used them as a way to take digs at me, without having to take responsibility for what he was doing.

I have to decide what I will, and will not, accept from another person. If I allow myself to be treated abusively, it's likely the person abusing me is going to continue with that behavior, because it works for them.

I can lean on the support, experience, strength and hope of my friends in Al-Anon, as I set new boundaries. If I quietly and calmly state that I will be treated with respect, or I will remove myself - from the room, the house, or the relationship - I'm letting this person know that things have changed, and it's not going to be the way it has been. When I act with calm dignity, it's because I've had an internal change, and this is how it's manifesting itself - in a desire to be treated with the respect that I deserve.

We all have to decide for ourselves how we are going to deal with family - I don't give specific advice, but I do suggest that you talk to other people in Al-Anon, and find out how they've dealt with this problem in their lives. We get tunnel vision; another viewpoint can be helpful.

Sponsorship Is A Spiritual Gift To The Sponsor.

2011-09-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest gifts I have received through being a sponsor in Al-Anon, is seeing the people with whom I work, grow in their love of self. As the old confused thinking, and automatic assumptions about themselves, are scraped away through the practise of this wonderful program, the self beneath begins to emerge, with the beauty and dignity that is the human spirit.

Perhaps we've been assigned roles in our dysfunctional families, which we've accepted as - just the truth - never questioned. I find it awe-inspiring, to work with a person who has accepted this kind of family labelling, (and felt great personal shame about it,) and watch them begin, through working Step Four, to discover that it's not the truth, it's a convenient fiction which made it possible for the family to keep limping along in the same unhealthy groove. When a sponsee is granted that kind of realisation, it changes the way they see themselves, and with the dropping away of shame, comes a new peace and serenity. When I watch a sponsee working through the falling away of old shame, I gain a clearer picture of the ways in which shame kept me a prisoner, behind my public facade.

I love it when a sponsee begins to understand that they can't control anyone but themselves, and they can't change another person. With that realisation, they can drop the reins, because they realise that the darn things aren't, and were never, attached to the horse.

Letting go brings space and room to turn their attention to what they can change for the better - themselves, their own lives, their search for knowledge and understanding. Every time I share in their delight, it deepens my understanding of my own journey.

With each person I have sponsored in Al-Anon, I have gained a greater understanding of myself: how I think, what I fear, how I compensate and arrange, the ways in which I attempt to control, who I am when I'm alone with only my dogs and my Higher Power for company.

Your sponsor will benefit, just as you do, in your work together - that's one of the miracles of 12-Step. When you ask someone to be your sponsor, you aren't being a bother, you aren't intruding upon their time; you are offering them a great spiritual gift - try to keep that in mind, if you are feeling anxious or worried about asking.

Why Reason Things Out With Someone Else?

2011-09-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

Undermine: "to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth."

I had a conversation with someone last week which took me a few days to decipher. I knew what I felt afterwards, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly why that was. It wasn't until I spoke to a close friend in the program, and shared some of the content of the conversation, that I was given understanding. My friend was quickly able to recognise the behavior, and its result, because she's had long experience with just that thing - subtle undermining.

She used the word, and everything clicked into place and made sense. I "got it."

I cannot stress strongly enough, how helpful it can be to "reason things out with someone else." It's not always necessary to do this with someone in Al-Anon; it can be done with anyone with whom we feel safe, and in whom, we have complete trust.

We are each locked inside our own heads with our perceptions and our habits of thinking - this can keep us confused and frustrated. We need an objective viewpoint, sometimes many different objective viewpoints. When I was new to program, I used to feel that I was only allowed to ask one person to do this reasoning out with me, and it's not a good idea to be shopping around trying to get a specific answer. But experiences and strengths vary; the first person with whom we talk, may not be able to help us identify or recognise the patterns in an encounter.

I'm trying to pay more attention to how I feel after I spend time with someone. Do I feel vaguely unsettled, and suddenly full of self-doubt, when I went into the conversation feeling positive and happy? If so, something happened in that encounter, and I need to figure it out, so that I can make a good choice for myself about whether or not I want to have this person in my life.

It's a fact of life that some people aren't good for me. I don't have to explain or justify, condemn or demonise that person, in order to feel that I have a good reason to avoid them. I don't need a good reason. If every time I see them, I come away from that encounter feeling unsettled, confused, and less serene, those feelings are reason enough. Self-care includes picking my friends wisely. Life is too short to spend any of it with those who would undermine my confidence.

An old friend in program spoke movingly about the way that her father used to tell her that his criticism was "well-meant" and "for her own good," and that she couldn't "surround herself with only those people who would be cheering her on."

This woman said that her real recovery began the day that she realised she could do that very thing - pick friends who would be her cheerleaders, delighted in her successes, and supportive of her failures. That was the day that she understood fully and completely that she deserved to be surrounded by cheerleaders.

I, too, have been snared by that "for your own good" trap of negativity. I prefer cheerleaders.

Moving Makes Me Tired.

2011-09-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

We had good friends over today, who stayed for dinner, and it was great fun, but now I'm completely exhausted, with no energy to do the unpacking and organising I'd promised myself I'd get done this weekend.

I need to let go, we haven't even been in this house a week yet, and already, I'm giving myself a hard time for not having it set up perfectly and completely - what a nutcase I am, still, in so many ways. I wouldn't expect any of my friends to have their house completely organised a week after a move, so why do I set these goals for myself?

Our friends helped us to rearrange the livingroom so that now it feels like home - neither my husband nor I are any good at that sort of thing, we just bung the furniture down along the walls, and then wonder why it resembles a waiting room. Our friends have the knack - move this, hang that here, pull the couch out so it's at an angle, put the rug in a different way, shove that chair over, move this plant, and suddenly, it all comes together and looks marvellous. It was fun, but I still don't know how they do it, no matter how many times I watch it happen; it's just magical. After the room was set up, we all sat down for dinner and some great laughing fits.

Now, the house is quiet, my husband has gone to bed, and I'm feeling contented and grateful. My Higher Power has granted me much joy, and many good people in my life. People in whose company I feel uplifted, enriched, entertained, educated. Tonight I'm full of the knowledge that I have a good life, and I'm grateful to be aware of it.

What Am I Doing With What I Have?

2011-09-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Online again at last. Our cable hookup resembled a Monty Python skit:

Installer: "There you go, all done."

Customer: "But it's not working!"

Installer: "Sure it is, you just have to squint - see, there it was! There it is again!

Customer: "But I can't watch tv with it flashing on and off like that!"

Installer: "Well, it's because the moon is too close to Pluto, eh? It affects the satellite signal."

Customer: "Well, can you fix it?"

Installer: "No need to fix it, it's working perfectly."

Customer: "But it keeps cutting in and out!"

Installer: "It's supposed to do that."

Customer: "No it isn't!"

Installer: "Well, I'm glad you're satisfied, I'm off now."

Customer: "I'm not satisfied, it's not working!"

Installer: "Oh, no need to thank me, I'm just doing my job, you know." (zips out the door)

(Customer beats head against wall, screaming loudly.) "AAARRRGGGHHH!"

The same installer returned, and we had the same result when he left. My husband is trying to work up the emotional strength to try calling the company again, since every call means at least an hour on hold.

With the internet, the installer came and left, and I had - nothing. Very strange. A different installer came, fiddled for about 2 minutes, and it worked perfectly.

I'm deeply grateful for Al-Anon, since the old me would have been furious and upset for days, and even angrier when she went over to the old place last night, to discover that someone stole our lifetime hoses, and hose reel. The neighbour saw someone in our back yard a day or so ago, and if it was she who stole the hoses, she very thoughtfully unscrewed the watering wand, and left it behind.

I was very angry about the hose for a few minutes, then said to my husband that I hated the feeling, and wasn't going to torture myself with it for any longer than that. I let it go. I can't do anything about it, and I don't want to allow the thief to disturb my serenity. Before Al-Anon, I'd have made a meal of it, chewed over that hose theft for days, told everyone about it, ranting and raving. I'd have seen it as further proof that the universe was against me, that things never went right for me, blah blah blah. I'd have been able to completely forget all the positives of this move, and I'd have chosen instead to focus on the one negative thing - the theft of my hoses. When anyone asked how the move went, that would have been the first thing I told them.

When I hear the phrase "a disease of perception," I remember that this is who I once was - an unhappy woman who focused solely upon the negatives in my life, and who couldn't let go of anything. I was talking to a friend last night, who mentioned that when his dad was alive, he would talk about the past and be just as furiously angry at whatever it was he was recalling, as he'd been when it first happened - he seethed with bitter resentment.

I know that without 12-Step, I'd have been that same way. An AA speaker jokes that one needs to be careful about praying to our Higher Power for help with being patient, tolerant, forgiving, etc, because we will then be presented with many opportunities to learn, and practise, these new skills.

From Courage to Change, page 259:

"My Higher Power's gifts sometimes take unusual forms. Perhaps something I regard as a problem is really a form of assistance."

Offline For a Few Days.

2011-09-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

I'll be back as soon as the phone hookup is complete, allegedly this will be on the 6th, but who knows?

I was just over at the new place, wandering around enjoying the sunlight pouring into the rooms, while my husband was painting the wall which the previous people had painted a rather, um... exhilarating shade of green. It's now a lovely shade of pale creamy brown - like chocolate milk.

Later, he took a break from painting, and we went out onto the deck, leaning over the railing to watch a fawn, which had come in through a loose slat on the back fence, and was wandering around looking for something good to eat. We talked a bit, and then fell into a companionable silence, enjoying the sun, and life in general.

I love this house, and the peaceful area - 3 blocks from the beach - that's how it goes, when we turn it all over to our Higher Power, and let him work it out for us.

Life is good, and I'm content. I'll be back here soon. Take care.

Spiritual Awakening

2011-08-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

What does this feel like? Look like? A speaker stated that they could see a new light in the eyes of those who had experienced a spiritual awakening.
For myself, and those I sponsor, I notice a change in thinking. We climb, with much effort, from the old ruts in our thinking, and once we have reached level ground, are astonished to find the perspective so altered. And then, once we've realised that our perspective can be changed in this way, we are never again able to believe the voices in our head to be the one and only voice of truth. We question our thinking on a continual basis, and the more we do this, the further we go in our understanding of how in error we can be.

I found it mind-boggling, the first time this happened to me - I spent hours with my sponsor, learning how not to berate myself for having been so blind. She was very firm on this point, told me that the desire to castigate myself was counter-productive, since if I bashed myself with sufficient force, I'd end up so miserable as a result of my new understanding, that I'd refuse to move another step, and would retreat back to the safety of my co-dependent cave of self. With her help, I began to understand the ways in which my own thinking had kept me trapped.

Each time I have been granted a new level of understanding, my joy in living has intensified, my tolerance has increased, my love for others, and myself, has grown.

I can recall, years back, when moving was a fearsome hassle, and I'd be grouchy and bad-tempered and exhausted throughout the process. Over time it has grown to be fun, becase I'm doing it with my Higher Power right beside me, and I have no fear. Yesterday I spent the day phoning around getting utilities changed; I used to hate this part of a move. Nowadays, it's just another thing task on my to-do list, and I take delight in making the customer service people laugh - really laugh, and to thank them with true gratitude for their help - when I do this, I can hear in their voices that it has registered, and feels good.

I have changed so much in my view of life, and my attitudes.This wonderful program has given me a life I would not have believed possible, and my gratitude can bring tears to my eyes, it's so overwhelming and powerful.

I pray that you will feel this love and peace of the program today.

Selective Attention

2011-08-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

Think you can text and drive at the same time?

Take this video test to see how well you can focus on a task:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo

You might be surprised.

Acceptance Is Not A Character Trait.

2011-08-26T09:39:00.000-07:00

"Acceptance is not a trait that you either have or don't; it's learned behavior."

Morrie Schwartz.

God Can Do The Footwork, Too.

2011-08-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

When it became clear that we needed to find a new place to live, because this space is too small, and I had nowhere to open the business I feel moved to start. I went around for a week or so, saying to my HP, "You know what we need, so I'm going to leave it up to you." I decided to turn it over completely.

The first house I looked at was perfect in every way - had everything I wanted - 3 blocks from the beach, fenced yard for the dogs, separate room on the ground floor for my office, and 3 bathrooms. (My idea of heaven, lots of bathrooms.) Not only that, but great landlords - they lowered the rent in order to cover the costs of oil heat, and gave us free rein to paint, landscape, do anything we wish.

I turned it over completely, and decided to believe that my Higher Power could do all the footwork, just as the speaker on the cd had claimed, and it worked. That was the easist, shortest house hunt I've ever experienced. It's interesting to see how when I believe something is possible, it becomes so.

Turn it over. Try it and see. What have you got to lose?

Clear, Healthy Thinking.

2011-08-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

I can't change other people.

If I'm predicating my happiness or my serenity, on the hope that someone else will change, to become the person I want them to be, I am handing them my life on a plate, and retiring to a corner to starve.
---------------------------------------------

From Courage to Change, page 234:

"Searching for the real me, living according to my needs, and loving myself as a new-found friend have been the most rewarding benefits of the Al-Anon program. Strangely, they're the last ones I would have imagined receiving when I began.

Today's Reminder
Today I can choose to take responsibility for my own life. If I stay out of other's affairs and become more aware of my own, I have a good chance of finding serenity.

"Each man's life represents a road toward himself."
Hermann Hesse
-----------------------------------------------

I want to be capable of clear, healthy thinking. That's not possible when I'm disturbed by someone else's behavior, or thinking. How do I get there?

First, I need to be aware of what's going on inside my head, so I can catch myself when I start obsessing, or taking someone else's inventory. So, I find I'm doing this, what's next?

I need to consider which character defect is driving my thinking - am I angry? Resentful? Arrogant? Judgemental? Impatient? Controlling? I can ask my Higher Power to remove it. Right then, at that moment, I can ask to be set free of whatever character defect has risen to the surface, and is presently running my show.

Once I've asked to be relieved of my character defect, and have had it lifted, then I am capable of clear healthy thinking, because I'm not being swept along by my feelings. I can detach, step back, and decide exactly what it is that's best for me, without having my judgement clouded by high emotion.

What is best for me, is to be honest to myself and my own needs. If I don't do this for myself, I will be angry. I will be resentful, I will be _____. (fill in the blank)

Clear thinking makes many things possible. I pray for the wisdom to understand what I can change, and what I cannot.

Eager For Humility.

2011-08-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

From AA's 12 and 12, page 73:
"To get completely away from our aversion to the idea of being humble, to gain a vision of humility as the avenue to true freedom of the human spirit, to be willing to work for humility as something to be desired for itself, takes most of us a long, long time."
-------------------------------------------------

I'd have to agree with that one for myself. It has taken me many years to reach the place I'm at now, which I've heard described as, "a sheer delight to find out we're wrong, because that means we have another chance to change and grow."

I'm finding myself and my ego-driven thinking, funnier as the years pass. I've got a little reminder up on the wall behind my computer:

SIOTSU - this stands for: Say It Once, Then Shut Up.

I joked with my sponsor that this would make a great new slogan - she dryly suggested I submit it to World Services, and see what they thought. I was reminded of this today, listening to a 12-Step talk, when the speaker said he likes to tell his sponsees, after they've rambled on for a while about whatever it is: "Now distill that down to one or two sentences."

When I take 10 minutes to say something, that's my ego talking - I've noticed that my sharing in meetings is becoming shorter by the year, because so much of the time, I am able to distill it down to a few sentences.

My life becomes simpler all the time, and what a glorious feeling that is. I'm more able to let go of my old thinking, and open my mind to absorb new. Much of my fear has fallen away, and with its going, life has grown to feel more like an adventure.

I am far more loving than I once was. When I'm in a meeting, and someone speaks of the way this incredible program has changed their life for the better, it never fails to move me, because of my love for the people around the table who are sharing my spiritual journey. I'm not even close to achieving the perfection of which I dreamed when I was new to Al-Anon, and that's not a goal anymore.
Humility means that I turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power unconditionally. I spent a long time believing that it was my choice to turn control of my will and my life over to my Higher Power. When I realised that I was turning over an illusion, it was staggering. Mind-boggling, and quite the blow to my ego. But once that passed, it became hilariously funny.

That was perhaps the first time that I felt that "sheer delight in being wrong", because of what it meant for me in terms of my spiritual growth. If being wrong could teach me, I was finally, fully eager to be wrong. Being wrong went from something embarassing and shameful, to - humility.

"You Can't Do That!"

2011-08-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite AA speakers is a man with a great sense of humour, and a wonderful message. I was listening to one of his talks last night, and he was saying if you want to know whether what you are proposing is God's will, ask those in the program whom you trust: "I'm considering taking this action; do you think this is God's will for me?"

I decided to put this idea into practise,with regard to a major life change I'm considering. So far, those I've asked have replied with a resounding yes. It's a powerfully supportive feeling.

Yesterday, I received a negative response from a stranger, along the lines of "You can't do that, because of this, this, and this." Because I'd done my research, I knew she was mistaken on all three counts. It got me thinking, about all the people along the way who have told me what I can't do. I'm grateful for the character trait of determination, which has allowed me to push ahead, even when everyone around me has been giving me negative input.

I've arrived at middle age relatively unscathed, and can look back and see that if I'd listened to the naysayers, I'd never have done anything. I'd still be living in the same small town in which I was raised, because that was one of the first "You can't do that!" messages I heard; that I couldn't travel to see the country in which I'd been born, that I had to stay and follow the prescribed path laid out for me by others.

I've had an interesting and varied life; if I'd let the fears of other people keep me trapped, that wouldn't have been the case. I have one life to live; I want to live it fully. I want to explore, and I want to challenge myself.

When my husband decided to quit his job and go back to school at the age of 50, I was one of the few people urging him on. He was terrified, but he did it, and he sailed through his courses with honor marks, and a renewed confidence. When he graduated, he opened his own business, because that was his dream. I've seen the hugely positive changes that his courage has created, and I'm proud of him for it.

Don't let other people tell you what you can't do. Have the courage to change.

Allowing Ourselves to Experience Pain.

2011-08-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

From Hope for Today, page 227:

"It helps to keep in mind that getting better doesn't always mean feeling better. When I need to walk through pain to let it go, I remember "This Too Shall Pass." I tell myself that just as thinking doesn't make it so, neither does feeling make it so. My life is going to work out according to God's will regardless of how I feel, so why try to manipulate situations to avoid the unavoidable - human emotions? Such behavior only creates more pain, and I certainly don't want more of that!"

------------------------------------

This has been one of the toughest lessons for me to accept in Al-Anon: in order to work through a feeling, I need to allow myself to feel it. There is no way around this truth for me; if I don't allow myself to feel my feelings, they will stay with me. If I want to live "lightly but abundantly" I need to let go of my painful feelings.

How do I do that? By sitting with them. Sitting through them. Or walking; I find walking an excellent way to deal with my feelings, and the dogs agree, they are more than willing to go for what I call "a burn around the neighbourhood" - a fast-paced walk for a long distance, during which I may start out with a feeling roaring hotly in my chest and head, but I am always returning home the last few blocks, feeling spent and at peace.

I allow myself to think the angry, or painful, thoughts, then I identify the feelings behind them, and I let those feelings flood through me, without trying to stifle or resist them. I may weep, if the primary feeling is pain.

Then, I look for my part - the character defects which drive my thinking. I ask my Higher Power to remove them, and then I ask for peace.

A friend once commented upon the way the dogs start out one of these walks with a focused intensity on forward, and end up looking around with noses always moving - the canine equivalent of sight-seeing. I laughingly replied that we were all doing pretty much the same thing, it's just more obvious in dogs.

Before I learned that a hard fast walk is a great way to let out my feelings (or, if it happens to be bucketing rain, a ferocious bout of housecleaning) I used to numb myself out. I'd start repeating a little mantra of "it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter" and it would be like flicking a switch to the "off" position - shutdown, blessed numbness, no more pain.

Except it wasn't working quite that smoothly and effectively below the surface - I wasn't processing my feelings, I was storing them. I was, if you like, hoarding them, with new layers on top of old, so that the original landscape of my self became totally obscured from my view. That hoard of feelings was so overwhelming that I didn't know where to start. So I didn't, I just flung another on to the heap already there, and walked out of that room.

By the time I came into Al-Anon, I was pretty much living on the front porch of myself. The entire rest of my house of self, was stuffed to the ceilings: old moldering crap mixed with relatively untouched newer items, all mixed together in one giant seething mass. I tried not to go in there, if I could possibly avoid it.

In Al-Anon, I learned that if I wanted real recovery, I was going to have to do an inventory, Step 4, and sort through that massive hoard of feelings, thoughts, beliefs, unmet dreams and desires, expectations, disappointments, resentments, and unfelt, stuffed pain.

I was terrified that the pain would destroy me completely if I were to feel it - how was I to maintain mental stability while doing such a task?

By working with my sponsor and my program friends, by asking my Higher Power for help, and by taking it one small step at a time. I don't have to deal with the entire past today. I can deal with today only. One day. How am I feeling right now? Why am I having this feeling? Is it because of an unmet expectation, or is it the result of an unkind choice made by another person?

If the latter, can I let go of my people-pleasing and my fear of conflict, and say that "I feel this when you do that?" If not, can I accept that I'm going to have to put up with this feeling until it passes, as they always do? Can I make the effort to see this other person as sick, rather than demonise them?

Feelings can be painful, frightening, intimidating. But I want to have access to my feelings, without being controlled by them.

One of the Al-Anon Promises:

"We will begin to feel, and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them."

Standing Guard At The Door Of My Mind.

2011-08-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

From One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, page 226:

"Why do I allow myself to suffer? Is there any meaning or validity to the items I am permitting myself to suffer from? What if "he said this" - or "she did that." Even if it was meant to hurt, it cannot reach the real me, if I stand guard at the door of my mind."

----------------

The first few hundred times I read that paragraph, I felt distinctly annoyed with the writer - how was I supposed to not be hurt, when deliberately hurtful things were said and done by the alcoholics in my life?

And just how was I to "stand guard at the door to my mind" anyway? What did that mean? Following swiftly upon my annoyance would be a feeling of despairing frustration; I was never going to "get" this program!

Until the first time the alcoholic said something designed to wound, and my internal dialogue, rather than feed the fire with exclamations of "How dare he! The nerve! That (rude word) has been drinking all day, and I've been working, and I come home in a good mood and he ruins it by..." offered up the first line of the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me serenity."

That's how I stand guard at the door of my mind. By changing my thinking - asking my Higher Power for help, so that my first response is not anger, frustration or despair, but a deep breath, a reminder to myself that this is a sick individual, and a refusal to accept whatever unkindness is being offered to me.

I don't have to take it on. I may not always be standing guard effectively, and some things may get past me, and cause me hurt. Learning this new behavior, can feel like trying to use one leg to block a determined cat from getting outdoors, while still opening the door far enough, to be able to have a conversation with the person standing on the step.

That's where another reminder to ourselves comes into play; let go of expecting perfection. Good enough is good enough. We'll try again next time. We may not in this lifetime attain such a blissful state of serenity, as to never be affected by the unkindness of those who profess to love us. That's okay. We do what we can, with the knowledge and skills we have at the time.

Respect - From Others, And For Ourselves.

2011-08-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

I've been having some staggering realisations in the last while, and they've been transforming the way I see myself.

When I allow another person to define me, I am limiting my choices. Family members (and partners) may have a vested interest in my remaining in the category or space, into which, they've mentally placed me.

I have only this one life. I want to live it fully.

My vista of possibilities increases with a wider perspective. How do I attain a wider perspective? By praying, listening, learning, and being open to hearing what's being said to me by those I trust. This most recent realisation came when I was out walking, and trying to honestly examine a fear of which I'd become aware. It was so stunning a recognition, it tilted my entire worldview, and that tilt has acted like a wide angle lens for viewing my life.

I've started asking those whose counsel I respect, for their viewpoints, and have received strongly positive responses. I can feel the power of my dream pushing me along, and I can feel myself evolving. (One aspect of blogging, is that one has to try to write about one's life happenings while not giving out too much information - so one occasionally ends up with this sort of post, which says not much, while trying to say everything)

I pray for courage, wisdom, patience, and clarity.

Surrender Anger, for Serenity.

2011-08-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

I cannot achieve serenity, if I am engaged in the taking of someone else's inventory, and chewing over the myriad ways in which I've decided they are coming up short. The moment I begin to turn my gaze, from my own character defects to those of another, I have lost my focus, and I am about to lose my serenity.

I want peace.

How do I find my way to that glorious place? By following the road map drawn for me, by those who have worked out some of the best ways to get there. By relinquishing my desire to control, and accepting my powerlessness. By attending meetings, reasoning things out with someone else in program, and seeking my Higher Power as I understand him/her/it.

By choosing the long-term goal of serenity and peace over the short-term satisfaction of anger and judgement.

Someone asked me, "Why do I keep choosing anger, then - I hate that feeling!"

We do what we learn. I have had to unlearn the lessons of how to deal with anger, which I'd internalised as a child, and relearn a different way.

We do what works for us - in everything, there is a payoff. It may be a payoff of being able to take what a friend in program calls "the moral high ground." Perhaps our anger at this person allows us to feel that we are right and they are wrong. We may feel self-righteous. We may feel superior. We may feel an awful pain, and wish for comfort, but have no way as of yet, to ask for that, so instead, we express it as anger.

I can feel angry when my boundaries are violated, my feelings are dismissed or negated, when unkindness is repetitive, when I am being treated with disrespect.

My anger may be a perfectly reasonable response, but I cannot change other people. I have to detach from what they are doing, and step far enough back, to be out of range of whatever slop is flying. When I am detached, I see what's happening, but it doesn't get to me the same way. I'm out of range, when I'm detached. I seek peace where I've found it before - in my Higher Power, in the love of my program friends, in the deepest core of my own self.

One Day At A Time - Or One Hour. Or Ten Minutes.

2011-08-10T14:37:00.000-07:00

I came across a wonderful quote about writing, from E.L. Doctorow, but I think it can apply equally as well to working a 12-Step program. He said:

"Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."

Al-Anon can be like that - we may only be able to see as far as the headlights of illumination given to us by other members, but we can make the whole trip that way the first time, until we become able to light our own way.

Keep An Open Mind.

2011-08-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

I can learn from anyone, if I am sufficiently open-minded. I can see the beauty, hear the wisdom, and learn from each person around the table in the rooms of Al-Anon, if I am willing to let go of all the ways in which my culture and upbringing taught me to judge.

I've reached a stage in my recovery where most of the beliefs and attitudes I brought with me when I first came into program, have slipped away. There are attitudes that I've had to lose completely, before I could gain understanding of the way they limited my growth.

Others, it has had to be my choice each and every time, to put this down, let this go. I may have had to begin that choosing by using one hand to pry the other hand open, before I could let go the first few times, then I could let them go unwillingly, but under the guidance of my sponsor, then I am more willing to try when I see they are self-defeating. The last stage before losing that attitude forever, is the same sort of instant letting go that happens when I grasp the handle of a pot on the stove, and find it too hot for bare skin - a reflex, done so quickly I don't have time to think about it.

And then, one lovely day, I realise that I truly, in my heart and soul, don't believe that anymore - my Higher Power has set me free. But I had to be willing, first.

An Interesting Experience.

2011-08-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I was out watering the garden, when I was stung at the base of my left thumb. I dropped the hose and ran inside to get anti-histamines - my husband had used them all. I quickly changed my clothes and drove to the drug store to purchase some. I took two while standing in the line to cash out, and hoped they would start working soon. As I was driving out of the parking lot of the store, I could feel the roof of my mouth, my tongue, and my throat beginning to go numb. I turned down the road towards the hospital, and prayed for calmness as I waited at red lights and the numbness in my mouth and throat progressed, and I began to feel as though I were wearing a too-tight shirt. (The literature about anaphylactic shock mentions "a feeling of impending doom" as a possible part of the reaction - I can now say I've experienced that.)

I parked in the Emergency parking lot, and walked quickly into the hospital, not stopping to get a parking ticket for my car. I was taken into the back, an IV port put into my right hand, and a large syringe of medication was shot into me - epinephrine. This is a horrid sensation; I felt the rush of coolness go up my arm, into my heart, and suddenly that felt as though it were going to pound itself out of my chest. I also felt distinctly light-headed and strange. I had three seperate injections before the numbness in my mouth, and tightness in my chest began to go away, and after another long period of observation, I was released.

I walked outside to find a ticket on my windshield, with a notice on the back from the parking company, that if it had been a medical emergency, I could call and speak to one of their representatives about possibly having the ticket cancelled.

The doctor at the hospital gave me a prescription for 2 Epipens, and suggested that I carry them at all times.

The moral of this story is: Check the expiry date of your emergency epinephrine injector regularly, and, if you realise it is out of date, go and get a new one immediately! Don't throw the old one out, and forget to get a new one for 3-4 days - it's the laws of life that you will then get stung, experience a serious reaction, and put your life in jeopardy.

Today, I'm feeling as though I've had a narrow escape for my foolishness.

How Will I Know?

2011-08-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

The way it seems to work for me, I may not know that I've reached a decision, until I am caught unawares with the realisation that I'm now feeling peaceful, when I once again contemplate, that which has been causing me small (or great) distress. I recognise my state of mind as the one which follows the hard work of consideration, reflection and choosing - a calm and centred place.
Then, all that remains, is the organisation required to begin working towards my goal. No more confusion, distress, self-doubt. Just: what do I do next? And after that? And after that?

I used to ask my first sponsor "But, how will I know when I'm ready to ____?" She'd smile lovingly upon my impatient self, and reply, "You'll know. Believe me, it's not something you can mistake."

I found that a deeply unsatisfying reply, until, some long time later, in a calm wash of awareness, I understood what she meant, because I felt it.

It's akin to having a dreadful cold or flu for days and days, and waking up one morning to realise: we're on the mend - we feel better in some idefinable way. We still have the symptoms, but not as severely, and our mental state has improved from wishing we could quietly be put down, to consideration of what we might have for dinner that day.

I'm off to the Saturday morning meeting - one of my favourites.

What Are My Options?

2011-08-02T12:33:00.000-07:00

I always have choices.

I may not like any of them.

Some days, the choice I make is more choosing the least objectionable option than the most delightful, because the list of choices contains nothing I want. On occasion, that's life. Maturity involves accepting that truth, and making the best of it. Grumbling and protest, uses up energy and time better spent in working to accept that least objectionable option, detaching from it, and moving on with my day.

That's also a choice. It's ok to give myself a short period of time in which to state my dislike about having options which don't appeal to me in any way, but it's counter-productive for me to indulge myself in extended complaint.

Say what I think - to myself, a friend, my Higher Power, and then move on. Let go, and continue to believe that I am safe. Recognise that we all have times in which we are given only options we dislike; I'm not being singled out for this. The world isn't punishing me, it's like housecleaning - there comes a time when I have to dust the blinds, unless I want them to have a strange furry appearance. Dusting the blinds is a royal pain, and I don't want to do it.

Some days, my life choices and working my program is much like dusting the blinds - one slat at a time, until - that's finished, and I can move on.

Eaten Up With Anxiety.

2011-07-31T12:36:00.000-07:00

My poor little dog has really been through the mill lately - first with the operation to have the lump removed from his leg, and then with a big hot spot on his nether regions. Half an hour after the cone was removed, he'd chewed himself a big raw spot, oozing blood. I was horrified, and he was anxious and distressed.
I got some calming pills, and a skin spray, and that seems to be working.

I got this dog from a pet store, before there was much education about where pet store puppies usually originate - puppy mills. He has always been a bit on the anxious side, and is a high-energy little dog. I think 3 weeks of not being able to express that energy in walks, or on the treadmill, because he had to be kept quiet to allow the rather large incision in his leg to heal properly, also played a part in the hot spot.

We're going for our usual Sunday afternoon walk with a program friend in a couple of hours, and I'm looking forward to it. She's great company, and we've been helpful to each other; we offer an alternative point of view, give encouragement, and we make each other laugh. That's a gift. I've learned more good life lessons through having them presented with humour, than any other way.

Last night I was looking at my little dog, and thinking about the destructive effect of stress and anxiety upon all of us, human and animal alike. I've had times in my life where I too, have been consumed with anxiety, with no ability to get out of that state. I was too proud to admit to what I was feeling, and too stubborn to be willing to try living my life differently. I had to be brought to my knees by a drinking alcoholic before I would accept help.

That was the first time. Since that capitulation to reality, I've had others. I've been having one in the last while which has been difficult to choke down, and resistance has been rising and falling with my moods. Someone joked at a meeting recently about "the three D's - Denial, Delusion, Defensive."

Life is not always as I would wish it to be. I must let go of my denial, and face facts squarely, without flinching, without complaint, without fear. It is what it is.
I must give up my delusions about having any control in so many areas of my life. I'm not the one in charge - my Higher Power is.
I must let go of my defensiveness, and sit quietly, that I may be in a teachable frame of mind. I need to be willing to let it all go.

I pray for the continued ability to practise this.

Awareness, Acceptance, Action.

2011-07-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

I become aware, when I am willing to hear another point of view. If each time I am presented with an idea which doesn't mesh closely with my own, I shut down and refuse to listen, I will not learn.

At this stage, I don't have to do anything but listen. When I say, "Ok, I'll hear it, but that's all I'm going to do right now," I allow the other person to speak their piece, and I'm not having to try to listen, through the clamoring of my internal dialogue offering up arguments in rebuttal. I'm listening - that's the agreement at that stage - you speak, I listen, no promises either way. We'll see; I'll think about it, and get back to you. I'll hear how you feel, and take it on board for further consideration.

I become aware, when realisation dawns that my "way" isn't working for me anymore. Perhaps a coping mechanism which has served me well for many years, has become obsolete, or is now obstructive to my maturity. I become aware, and I can sit with that awareness for a time, until my ego quiets down, and I can relax into my new awareness. Awareness may be gradual or shockingly sudden. It may bring with it sorrow and grieving, or it may make me burst into laughter. Either way, I choose awareness over the alternative.

Acceptance comes through several doors. There's the door marked: "It is what it is, and nothing on earth can change it, so why waste energy protesting?"
There's a door with the label: "Isn't this wild? Can you believe you didn't see this before now?'
There's yet another door: "Things that aren't what they seem."

I've come to understand that it doesn't matter how the acceptance arrives. At one stage of my life, I'd get so hung up on which door it came through, that the thing itself, the acceptance, was pushed aside for a while - this is a procrastination technique.

When I can make room for acceptance, without fussing about how it enters my life, I have greater serenity, and my sense of humour reasserts itself. When I reach for acceptance, draw it into my arms and give it a big warm hug, I am flooded with peaceful feelings. I can breathe more deeply: see wtih clarity: have compassion for others, and myself. Acceptance is a powerful force for change in my life.

I used to leapfrog over awareness and acceptance, directly into action. I acted on impulse, without restraint, with little forethought, with that frantic sense of wanting to do something, anything, to force my will, or relieve my pain.

I don't do that anymore. I reason things out with someone else, and I get feedback from my sponsor, my program friends, my Higher Power. If I'm not sure, I'll let it go for another while, to see if perhaps that's all the action required - just to let go.

"Awareness, Acceptance, Action" is a shorthand reminder, of a great wisdom. I pray for the ability to hear, accept, and use this wisdom, in my daily life.

"Shouldn't You Be Able To Avoid A Meltdown, If You've Been In Al-Anon For Some Time?"

2011-07-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

Good question. I can and do, if I keep my focus firmly upon myself, and detach from the alcoholic craziness.

If.

I've heard long-term members in Al-Anon talk as if they soar serenely above the fray in all circumstances, in all areas, never having the slightest upset or annoyance, and if they aren't exaggerating even slightly, I applaud and respect them.

I can't do that. I backslide. I forget. I become hungry, lonely, or overtired, or my temper rises, and, I fail to catch myself at the "stop and detach" stage of the proceedings, and instead, I go with my annoyance, and pretty soon I'm on that gerbil wheel running like a mad thing, completely unaware that this is what I'm doing.

Now, I grant you, that these times are few and far between, because I have long experience in program, am surrounded by friends who also practise program, and work to immerse myself in the wisdom of Al-Anon. But it does happen now and then.

I've given up shaming myself for it. It is what it is. Once I realise that I've been doing this, it only prolongs the agony, to then pick up a mental cudgel and begin to belabor myself with gusto, telling myself I should have done this, and I should have known that, and what is the matter with me, that I would still climb onto the gerbil wheel of obsessive thinking when I've been in Al-Anon for so many years, blah blah...doing that only made me feel much worse.

I've learned to sigh, laugh, and feel a powerful gratitude for the serenity of today, off that wheel. I've learned to do an inventory, searching for my character defect which came into play in this particular instance, and ask my Higher Power to remove it. I work to figure out what was the precipitating factor, in the hopes that when a similar event arises in the future, I can be aware: I can accept: I can respond differently.

That's all I can do, and I can do all of that.

Living With Crazy People

2011-07-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

There's a well-known speaker in AA and Al-Anon, by the name of Father Tom W. He's a Jesuit priest, with an amusing and insightful message - you can find free downloads on the internet at various sites. (If you have trouble finding a free download, you can email me and I'll send you some links.)

I've been listening to a series of his Al-Anon talks titled "Living With Crazy People." It's helped me to reorient myself, and today, I realise that I'm not the only member of this household who is living with a lunatic. My husband is also living with a crazy person. I need to remember that.

When I begin to feel frustrated and annoyed with his "isms," I need to remember that I have "isms" of my own. I have my own insanity. The reason I chose the title of this blog, was because it is only when I view my world through an Al-Anon filter, that I am able to let go of my ego, and be more of the person I want to be.

When my ego is driving, I might get a few minutes wild exciting ride, but the end of that trip is a fast collision with a hard tree. When my Higher Power is driving, it's a slower drive, but I arrive safely.

The problem as I see it, is that any time I try to start a struggle for the steering wheel, my HP just lets go - doesn't even try to keep driving, just moves out of the way immediately, saying, "Right, then - you carry on, and call me if you need me."

Bang! Head-on into the tree of reality I smash. I am a crazy person. I may be a crazy person with some Al-Anon sanity, but at my core, I am barking mad. I forget this at my peril.

Start again. Step One: admit my powerlessness. Step Two: know that my HP can restore me to sanity. Step Three: agree to let my HP drive for a while.

I can be a slow learner, but I do come around eventually, and I'm grateful for that.

Setting Boundaries - Again.

2011-07-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

Mr. SponsorPants has a post today on how to deal with unwanted attention from a member of the opposite sex, in a 12-Step group.
I've learned that for me, in this situation, direct is best. In one town in which we lived, a man began attending my home group meeting of Al-Anon, which was composed largely of women; it was a small group at the time, maybe 8-10 regulars. This gentleman had recently moved to town.
At his second or third meeting, as we sat chatting before it began, he spoke up to say that where he used to live, everyone hugged goodbye after the meeting, and that he missed this, and wanted to suggest that we adopt this custom. Some women at the meeting blanched visibly at this suggestion, and an uncomfortable silence fell. Finally someone spoke up to say that she was willing to try this, and see how it went, and the rest all half-heartedly agreed. This guy made every woman in the room uncomfortable, but he was forceful, and somehow he contrived to suggest that by not hugging him, we were being unwelcoming to a newcomer to our meeting, and none of us wanted to do that. (This is sooooo co-dependent!)

When the meeting concluded, and the last word of the Serenity Prayer was said, half the people in the room leapt for the door - it was like one of those old comedies, where a clot of people are all fighting to be the first out the door, arms and legs waving madly, then poof! they all disappear. Those of us left were hugged by this guy, who plastered himself against us, and hugged us for far too long. Out in the parking lot, I said to my sponsor, "I am NOT going to do that again. Ever." She fervently agreed.
At the next meeting, when he came in, he came over and wanted to hug hello, starting with me - I held one hand up like a traffic cop, and said, "I'm not comfortable hugging you, and I'm not going to." Every woman within earshot turned and said the same thing, one after another. We all took our seats, and when it was his turn to share, he brought this up, and spoke of how he felt slighted, he felt unwelcome, he felt emotionally distressed by this, he felt...
The chairperson gently interrupted him, saying that this was not an appropriate topic for the meeting, and perhaps we could discuss it afterwards, if anyone else wished to.

This time when the meeting ended, he sat back down and announced that he wanted to discuss the hugging issue. Everyone else sat down also, and there was a feeling of anger simmering in the room, from him, and from some of us.

When it was my turn to speak, I said that I was not comfortable hugging a man I didn't know, and that I didn't have an obligation to hug him simply because he was attending the meeting. I tried to be as courteous and kind as possible, but I made it clear that if he was upset by this, it was his problem, not mine. Every woman at the table gave her own version of this message.

The one man attending that night, said that he'd be happy to give the guy a hug, if he just needed a hug. (For some reason, this was not received with gratitude.)
This guy never did come back to our meeting. Even so, we decided we needed to have a group conscience to deal with this issue. The woman who had originally spoken up to say she was willing to try the hugging thing was apologising like mad to the rest of us, but we knew that each and every one of us had put aside what we wanted, and acquiesed to something we didn't want, in order not to have to deal with the discomfort of saying: "No."

I'm not responsible for anyone else's feelings. I have a right to safety in my physical and emotional life. In order to achieve that safety, I must be willing to take whatever action will accomplish this for myself, and not wait for someone else to save me.

Decisions

2011-07-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

I had the interesting experience recently, of speaking with a friend about a decision I'd made, and as we spoke, I began to doubt myself. I had to take some deep breaths, relax, and remind myelf that this had not been a spur-of-the-moment conclusion; my growth in Al-Anon has been ever propelling me in that direction.

It was a clear demonstration of the way I can still be persuaded to act against my own best interests, if I'm not paying attention.

There may be intervals in our lives when our decisions are going to be wildly unpopular, and people around us are not going to be able to grasp our reasons. We don't need to justify or explain, no matter how strongly another person pushes for an explanation or a "good reason." When we've been patient, given it deep thought, had an open mind about our choices, and come to a conclusion that we know is right for us, we can let go of what another person thinks we should do instead.

They aren't inside our lives - they may never be able to comprehend what has gone into our decision. We may be puncturing a picture they've always had, of what our lives are, and that's what they are protesting - the dismantling of an impression they've carried, and from which, in some instances, they may have deriven comfort. We aren't responsible for that.

We need to do what is best for us. I pray for the strength to follow through on my decisions; for the willingness to listen to another point of view, but not to let it supersede my own.

Great News on The Canine Front.

2011-07-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

The vet called a short time ago, and the lump removed from my little dog's leg was benign. I'm thrilled, delighted, relieved. He will be wearing his collar for another 10 days, because of his insisting upon removing his own stitches before it was time, but just knowing it wasn't cancer....what else can I say?

I want to thank all of you who wrote and offered your encouragement, love and support, it was wonderfully comforting.

Dog Chronicles

2011-07-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

We were told to take the pressure bandage off our dog's leg after 5 days, so yesterday, I removed it. He'd been very good about not trying to chew his bandage, and I didn't anticipate problems. A short while later, I went out to get a haircut. I returned to find my husband in a state of distress - he'd arrived home moments before, to see the dog with an open wound on his leg - he'd chewed the stitches out. Back to the vet for staples to close it up again, another bandage, and this time, a cone on his neck, held on by bandage wrapped around and under his legs, belly, etc. The cone which is small enough to stay on his head, allows that long dachshund neck and nose to stick out, and the next size up slides right off his head. Hence the mummy bandages. We're still waiting for the lab results on the tumour.

Life in this marriage has been rough for me, lately. Years of choked down, swallowed anger coming to the surface and overflowing onto me. I'm trying to remain detached, attend meetings, talk to my Higher Power, and let it go. I have no control over how he chooses to behave, but I do have the power to set boundaries, and maintain them. Where that leads, only my HP knows. I've reached a place of acceptance - knowing that there's nothing I can say or do to change it; it's out of my hands. I'm not lonely, because I know my HP is always with me, and my program friends are just a phone call or email away. I know they care for me, and will treat me with the respect and loving kindness I'm not getting at home. I've got my little dogs to embrace and delight in, to bounce with joy when I arrive back home after a short time out, and to snuggle with on the couch - one hand holding a book, the other stroking a soft warm dog on my lap. For now, that's enough.

Am I Aware Of My Own Character Defects?

2011-07-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

A newcomer asks: "Isn't it hard to figure out your own character defects, because aren't you naturally in denial about them?"

An excellent question, and timely, since our Step Group is working Step Four right now. The writer went on to ask, how could she find out what her character defects were?

Ask your family and friends! All kidding aside, it can be an interesting exercise to do this, because our friends and family can see us with more objectivity than we see ourselves. When we've been in Al-Anon for a while, we can ask members with whom we feel comfortable, and whom we trust, to discuss this with us, if they're comfortable doing so, because there again, we can be viewed with more objectivity.

Al-Anon's Paths to Recovery is a good resource, and Blueprint for Progress is a helpful book to work through, with sponsees doing their first Step Four. Both have good thought-provoking questions.

Try not to worry too much about how you are doing your inventory, and please, try not to bash yourself. No point in making it more difficult, right? We all have human frailties.

Waiting With Good Grace.

2011-07-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

The tumour which the vet removed from our little dog's leg yesterday, turned out to be considerably larger than it appeared from the surface. He's sleeping quietly in his carry-kennel. Because of the size of the wound, he must be kept on bed rest for 8-10 days. We have to wait for a week or so to find out what it was. Thanks for the concern and good wishes. I'll let you know, when I know.

I was up early this morning to give him his pain meds, and after doing that, went out to see how the garden was faring, after the pounding rain of last night. Only one rather skinny-stemmed delphinium was irretrievably bent; the rest of the garden was "bowed, but not broken." A few hours of sun, to dry the weight of the water from the leaves and blooms, and there will be no evidence of the beating the garden took from that rain.

I got up today feeling serene and peaceful. I have learned in Al-Anon that I cannot hurry life, my Higher Power, or the world, to accord to my schedule.They each move at their own measure, and I must fit myself to that. If I cannot, I will endure a great deal of unhappiness through my impatience, and all of my self-imposed suffering will not speed things up one smidgen.

I have learned to wait with good grace. Another of the many blessings of this program. Today's reading in Courage to Change speaks of "thinking in extremes." I could relate to that. I was not a person who was able to compromise or adjust; I was rigid in my beliefs, habits, and thought patterns. When I thought in extremes, I sorted others into arbitrary categories, and then dismissed them. This allowed me to get on with the real business of life - worrying.

Today, I can accept that "it is what it is." Railing against reality, hiding from it, ranting about the way it should be: these don't work for me. Prayer works. So does acceptance. Getting on with the daily tasks, keeping a sense of proportion, not taking myself too seriously; those are my better ways of coping, and I owe them all to Al-Anon.

Trusting My Higher Power In All Things.

2011-07-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

I'm taking my little dog in for his operation in about 15 minutes. It's a testament to the sensitivity of dogs, that they are lying together on the livingroom rug, and not in here bothering me for breakfast - they can feel that something is up. Usually, breakfast arrives immediately after a quick trip outdoors, and coffee being made. They like to hurry me along with ankle and leg nudges, because it's never happening quickly enough to suit them.

Today, they came back in from the yard and went to lie on the rug in close, quiet communion.

Before Al-Anon, I'd have been a complete nervous wreck all week, waiting for the day of the operation to arrive. I'd have been unable to eat properly, sleep well, or enjoy time spent with him - fear would have sat like a stone in my stomach.

Today, I understand that it is out of my hands. I trust our vet, and I trust that I will be able to deal with whatever the outcome may be. We won't find out if the tumour is benign or malignant right away, it will have to be sent away for testing.
I'll post here when he's back home from surgery, later today.

Don't Fear The Inventory - It's A Gift.

2011-07-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

Many of us struggle with the idea of examining our character in depth - what horrors might we encounter, down there in the muck and mire of our crazed thinking? When we've been raised in families of dysfunction, we can have a self-image fragile and wobbly; I know I was afraid that I'd find out even worse things about myself than I thought I "knew" already.

What I discovered, was that much of my shame and guilt were assigned, and not deserved: that I had coping mechanisms which got in the way of my having a peaceful and serene life: that I was worthy of love simply for the fact of my existence - I didn't have to "earn" love.

Once I had a reasonable idea of my character, and my presumptions, conclusions, projections and assumptions, many of which I'd been unaware, prior to my first Step Four, my real self-improvement could begin. Without the inventory, I was a woman with no sense of direction, trying to find true north. Before Al-Anon, my deficits infuriated and distressed me, because they seemed to prove my unworthiness. In program I learned that I'm not unworthy, and that my mistakes, if I allow it, can be instructive.

Last night I was gathering the waistband of a dress I'm making, and laughed to realise that I was trying to get the gathers exactly perfectly distributed - unaware, I fall easily back into that lunatic perfectionism first acquired, when shame was a constant companion. I catch myself, because I know now how I operate, and I recognise my patterns of thought.

I know that when I have a sense of irritation rising in my chest as someone gives me feedback about myself, it's because I'm feeling defensive. I only feel defensive when I'm hearing the truth - so now, when I feel that irritation rising in that situation, I take a few deep breaths, and pay attention. My Higher Power is using this person as a conduit to teach me.

I do not have to like the lesson.

I don't float about my life, never feeling sad or bad or pissed right off - life is the way it always was, it's my response which has changed. It's the changed response which leads to serenity and peace.

The only way to a changed response, is to find out what my original response was, and why I had it - for that, I needed and still need, Step Four. I'm not afraid of myself anymore. I can be frustrated with my inability to grasp a message, but even that has paled and faded over time. I ruefully accept that I can be a very slow learner when I'm not thrilled with the reality of "It is what it is" and I can joke of this to my program friends, who will laugh with me, and give examples of their own dragging heels.

Some of the best laughing fits I've ever had, have happened while discussing character defects.

Pray for courage, and plunge into Step Four. Trust long-timers. when we tell you that you will be glad you did. Some things you just have to take on faith - this may be one.

Pulling On My Hair.

2011-07-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

When a friend in Al-Anon is having a bad day, and I ask how she's doing, she'll respond cheerfully, "Oh, pulling on my hair!" That one sentence encapsulates all the things we've discussed over the years, about living with an alcoholic, and not relinquishing our sanity in the process.

I'm feeling completely surrendered today. It's a wonderful, peaceful feeling. I know (again) that I am powerless. I'd like to be able to be supportive to the alcoholic as they struggle through their painful feelings about the loss of the friendship, but that's just not possible - when I try, the anger is simply redirected onto me.

I spoke to a program friend late last night, and we ended up in helpless laughing fits, describing to each other, the crazed thinking of our own early recovery. That helped me. Today, I feel compassion for the alcoholic's inability to say, "This hurts! I'm angry and frustrated, and I am mourning the loss of this friendship." I remember what an awful lonely place it was, when I was trying to pretend that I was "fine."

I remember the self-loathing, and how it affected my relationships with other people, and my inability to act with love when I was angry or in pain. I remember denying I was angry, while my heart pounded, and my hands shook with the intensity of my rage. I really was a crazy person.

No-one in Al-Anon ever told me how to change, or what to change - I changed because I could see their serenity, and I desired it with a powerful longing.

I pray for detachment to allow the alcoholic room to grow at their own pace, and compassion for their struggle.

When Your Guppie Turns Out To Be A Shark.

2011-07-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

Living with an alcoholic new to recovery can, at times, prove to be a difficult and even painful experience. I'm deeply grateful that I don't have to live with active drinking, but the "isms" can be truly crazymaking.

I've just had one of those conversations in which the alcoholic was blaming their choices and behavior on me, insisting that if I wasn't such a horrible person, they wouldn't be forced into behaving that way...when asked calmly why they were so angry, completely denied the anger which had them practically vibrating with rage, and finished up by declaring with apparent great satisfaction that they'd been lying to me for almost two months about something major. Then a dramatic exit, and I sat quietly trying to regain the good mood I'd had, just a scant half-hour before.

Today's outburst was one of several temper tantrums lately. I think this is happening because of a close friendship in which the other person (also very new to recovery) has cut them off, in anger at some choices made. It's ironic to see the level of anger felt at being treated in precisely the same way they treat me - ignored, shunned, dismissed. They've had a hair trigger lately, and have been difficult to be around, so I've been trying to stay out of the way.

I get moments now and then in which I glimpse the person with some recovery, but in the middle of these ranting, blaming fits, it's as if they'd never stepped foot inside a 12-Step meeting.

I'm trying to gain whatever wisdom I can from life lately, without letting their anger eat me up, the way it's devouring them.

Tonight, I laid a boundary down, and said, "No more, please, if you keep this up, I will ___."

That's when I was informed of the lying. I felt as if it was said in such a way as to try to cause maximum pain, and then leave me to suffer. They haven't been in AA long enough to realise that I can tell when they are lying - it's no mystery. So the dramatic declaration is no news to me, but I do confess I'm feeling tired of it all right now. I'm tired of the alcoholic and their coping mechanisms, tired of the anger being taken out on me, tired of all of it. Tonight, I wish I were single again. I'm feeling like I want out. I'm trying to allow myself to have my feelings, and let them pass, without giving them too much weight. I know I'm already a little vulnerable because of my little dog being ill.

I'm going to eat, and take the dogs for a nice long walk; it's a lovely evening. I'm going to pray for guidance, comfort, wisdom, tolerance and patience. I need all of those tonight.

Dog Love, And Love Of Dogs.

2011-07-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Dogs have been a comfort and a joy in my life from as far back as I can remember. In my childhood, when people frightened and hurt me, dogs were a source of love.

When I came home from school, and stepping through the door, felt the air tense with anger, and my stomach clenched in fear, for the beatings that I knew were coming, the dog was a soft and quiet presence. I would drop to my knees, and put my arms around her, holding her warmth against me, trying to gain courage with the love she gave.

When I escaped outdoors, down into the marsh behind the house of my adoptive parents, the dog was a sentry on the path ahead. I felt perfect safety, even when in the tall grasses and reeds that grew down there, all I could catch sight of, was a glimpse of waving tail held high.

My dogs have been a constant in my adult life, when the rest of my world was in chaos because of alcoholism. They've been companions, entertainers, friends, comforters.

Our little male dog, who has a tumour on his foreleg, has made me laugh like no dog before him. He was my introduction to dachshunds, and what comedians they are. When he was a tiny puppy, he was the same size as a plastic rat toy our cat loved to attack, and the same color - pure gleaming black from nose to tail tip.

When he was 5 or 6, the first grey hairs began to appear around his muzzle, and I thought that was far too early, since he had all the energy and bounce of a very young dog. The grey has slowly advanced along his nose until now he has the dog equivalent of quite a full mustache. But he still has the energy and bounce of a young dog - one vet suggested that the other dog in the mix was quite likely a terrier of some sort.

Last night, I was sitting on the bed telling my husband what the vet had said. A rush of emotion made me suddenly burst out with a wail of, "It's too soon!"

My husband came to put his arms around me, and say softly, "It's always too soon with dogs."

And that is how it is, and ever will be. This is one of those "accept the things I cannot change" parts of life - dogs die long before we are ready. No matter what their age, or state of infirmity, we can't believe that it has come time to let them go.

I have tried my best to be a loving friend, and give my dogs a swift and painless death. But I realise that I expected to have our little dog for years yet, and I haven't even begun to deal with the reality of his aging. I've been in complete denial.

A program friend wrote: "I actually use my dog as an inspiration about how to live…..to try to capture her boundless capacity to live life to the fullest, each and every day."

For some of us, they will never be "just a dog."

Dog Problems.

2011-07-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

Update: It's a tumour, so he's booked in for surgery in a week to have it removed, and I'm going to try not to worry in the meantime. I've got a sponsee coming in a few minutes, so I'll write more later.

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I'm taking our older male dog in to the vet in about 45 minutes, to get a small growth on his front leg checked out.

I thought that I'd write a post, but find that I cannot concentrate or think clearly with that before me, so I'm giving it up for now, and will try again later.

Birds and Belief.

2011-07-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Silly title, I know, but I'm in a whimsical mood. There's a birdhouse on the top of the clothesline pole, and it's being used at the moment, by a sparrow family. I watch impossibly tiny beaks appearing at the entrance, and a parent bird stuffing them with food. Whenever the adults return from their hunts, the excited squeaking of the babies makes me smile - anticipation and demand, all rolled into one loud sound.

I feel my Higher Power most strongly when I'm outside, listening to the soughing of the tall pines, feeling the wind in my hair, the sun on my face, and the satisfying crunch of twigs and pine cones beneath my feet.

I've passed the point in my belief where I feel the need to justify or explain. I have a comfort, I offer that to those with whom I speak and write, with no expectations that they will join me.

Today, I am content. I wish for you the same.

Dominance and Powerlessness.

2011-07-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

A friend used to have a small dog, who was on a continual quest to find a larger dog to bully. He could never leave well enough alone; always had to push it just that one bit further, and then - smackdown! He'd find himself on the ground, belly-up, with teeth hovering over his neck, and a strong warning being growled into his ear. (He reminded me of my first husband - seemed to thrive on conflict.)

At the time, I had a large Lab cross who was only interested in sticks, balls, or anything which could be thrown and retrieved. She dealt with my friend's dog by not dealing with him - it was as though he didn't exist. Until one day when he had been posturing and prancing about in front of her, ignored as usual, and for whatever reason, decided to give her a nip on the leg.

My dog dropped the stick she'd been holding, peeled her lips back from her teeth, put her head down, and slowly advanced upon him, legs stiff, ruff up, tail held straight out - very threatening body language.

My friend's dog realised that he had gone too far, and began to ever-so-slowly back up. My dog kept advancing, and he kept retreating, and she backed him one circuit around the yard, until he finally dropped to the ground and rolled over in the canine gesture of submission.

My dog grasped his throat in her jaws and held him for a long moment, then let go, shook herself, and trotted back to get her stick. He rolled up into a sitting position, and sat there, then went over and flopped down beneath a bush.

His entire world view had been changed in that one moment, because he was a different dog after that, according to my friend - seemed to have given up trying to dominate anything but his squeaky toys. I found that fascinating - what was it about being told off by my dog that changed him? He'd been told off by Rottweilers, pit bulls, you name the breed, he'd challenged them and been put in his place, and it hadn't changed his behavior; why now? What was different? We never did come up with a satisfying answer to that question, and he's long gone.

Displays of dominance in people can be equally as mystifying - we watch as someone will cause themselves added harm, from not being able to stand down, to let go, to accept, to admit to their own powerlessness.

I tried for almost the entire ten years of my first marriage to dominate my husband's alcoholism, and I failed completely. I challenged him time and again, trying to force my will, and it had no effect whatsoever, except to increase conflict between us.

Whenever I try to force my will upon another person, I will fail. That's a given, because I can't change another person. I do not have the right to try to dominate anyone. I may try to justify my attempts to dominate with explanations about it being for their own good, or look at what they are doing to themselves, yada yada yada.

I am powerless over alcoholism. I am powerless over other people. How many times must I find myself with teeth at my throat and hot breath growling a warning into my ear, before I am willing to accept this?

Relentless Self-Criticism.

2011-06-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

When talking on the phone to a sponsee last night, I went to get my Courage to Change, as I had a page I wanted to read to her. It's one of my favourites, (a program friend says that she's certain she's heard me say that about every page of this book, at one time or another) so I'm going to reproduce it here in its entirety.

From Courage to Change, page 103:

"It's only natural to want a quick fix or an immediate solution to a difficult situation. As one member jokingly puts it: "Grant me patience, Lord - and hurry!" My sentiments exactly! Do have some discomfort or a problem in my life? Let me fix it, or be rid of it now. Is it a situation I've lived with for twenty years? Fine, I'll give it fifteen minutes. Perhaps I've lived with it all my life - well then, an hour, maybe even two. It is connected with alcoholism? Do its roots run really deep in the ground of my being? In that case I'll make a few program calls and share at a meeting.
Is it still hanging on? Very well, I'll launch a major campaign of self-criticism. What's wrong with me? Why do I have all these feelings about something that isn't important? I'm sure I caused all this myself: somehow I'm to blame.
Heaven forbid I should surrender, accept my discomfort, and pray for guidance.

Today's Reminder
Willpower cannot eliminate in a day troubles that have taken root and flourished in my life for decades. Things take time.

    "You cannot create a statue by smashing the marble with a hammer and you cannot by force of arms release the spirit or the soul of man."
                                                                   Confucius"

--------------------------------------------------------
I have recognised in myself, and in many other members of Al-Anon, one similarity - relentless self-criticism. We feel whatever we feel, as a result of life happenings, and then when we can't control those feelings by wanting them to go away, we begin to nag and harp at ourselves for having them at all. Just as the reading states, we begin to ask ourselves and others, "What's wrong with me?"

What's wrong, is that we are having the normal human response: pain, or sorrow.

Our culture doesn't allow much room for either of those - why else would so many of us be confused as to what's going on, when we feel them? We are exposed on a daily basis to many messages from the culture, to seek help immediately - get counselling, take this medication, start this exercise routine, and feel better!

Much emphasis is placed upon "feeling better"; so much so, that when we can't force ourselves to feel better, we become anxious and disturbed, and begin to bash ourselves for whatever it is that we may be experiencing.

Human beings cannot get over the loss of a relationship in a few weeks. We must go through a process of grieving, and that takes however long it takes. Some people can work it through fairly quickly, others take longer. We can't judge ourselves by the culture's yardsticks, or by other people's example. We have no real idea of what is going on for them; we see only the public person.

When I am in pain, or grieving, if I then add to my pain by "launching a major campaign of self-criticism," all I manage to accomplish is make myself feel much worse.

I add shame, and this complicates things by blocking the working-through of the original feeling. I don't feel it any less, I just can't process it.

I have a right to my feelings. When the process isn't blocked by shame or self-criticism, those feelings will rise, peak, and subside. This happens continually over a period of time, and each rise is a little less, until I reach a place of calm acceptance.  Ultimately, I will be able to say, "This happened." without an accompanying rush of painful feeling.

That's the process for all of us; that's just how it works. When I allow myself to feel my feelings, I can acknowledge it: "I'm feeling this now."

I can allow the pain or sorrow, let it move though me, because experience has shown me that it will pass. At the peak of the feeling, I may believe that I will feel this pain forever, that I'll never be happy or peaceful again. I let myself feel the pain of that idea. If I'm really struggling with it, I will call my sponsor or a program friend, read literature, ask my Higher Power for guidance and support.

At one time in my life, before Al-Anon, I could shut my feelings off like flicking a switch, by repeating a little mantra of "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter..." After a few repetitions, I'd go numb. That was how I managed to stay in my first marriage for ten years, by using the same techniques learned earlier in life, to numb myself to pain.

Numbing myself to pain, stunted my ability to experience joy, delight, fufillment. This is another one of those blasted either/or truths: we get none of the feelings, or all of them. Pain and sorrow are included in the package. If I want the joy and the delight, I must accept the full scope of my feelings. That means that at times in my life, I am going to feel pain or sorrow. I pray to be accepting of all of my feelings, and not to shame myself for having them.

Don't Blame God....

2011-06-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

...for the choices people make.

We all have free will. What some do with that free will, is a result of having been warped and twisted in their formative years - abuse breeds abuse, down through the generations. At one time, I held God responsible for all of the abuse I'd endured. Eventually, I reached an understanding in my recovery, that just as I have a choice as to whether my hand reaches out to stroke, or to strike, so did those who had me in their care.

If I am less than kind to another person, I can see with crystal clarity that this is my fault, my responsibility, my choice. I don't say, "That was my Higher Power's fault just now, when I was snarky to my alcoholic."

When I realised that those in my past acted in free will, I also gained compassion for their struggle. They had their own pain, anger and sorrows driving them.

Just as blame is pointless in my relationships with people, so it is, with my relationship with my Higher Power. Blaming interferes with my learning and progress. It creates a chasm between the blamer and the blamed, and to what end?
None of life can be undone once it has taken place. We can only walk forward in this life. I spent a long time moving forward, with my head twisted back over my shoulder, staring at the past, complaining of my sore neck.

Let go. Let it all go. Fling it away, or just let it drop, it doesn't matter, just break the connection between you and whatever it is that you are clutching. If you can manage to let it go, you will be given instead, the treasure of serenity. But it's an either/or, you can't have both.

I kept my misery because I couldn't believe the replacement wouldn't be far worse. My sponsor had to practically pry my hands open, to encourage me to let go, but once I did that first time, I was amazed and astounded to discover that she'd been telling me the truth - I felt instantly relieved and calmer. That was the beginning of trust for me.

Letting go is a powerful action. When I let go of that which is bothering or distressing me, when I turn it over, I am always rewarded with peace of mind, and peacefulness of spirit.

I accept today, and I accept myself.

Back Up A Bit, And Try Going This Way.

2011-06-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, I had walked down to the corner store after a snowstorm. The city in which I lived was not well prepared for snow, and neither were most of the inhabitants. When I went into the store, there was a small car parked on the street, revving madly, trying to pull out of a parking spot, and making no progress. As I exited the store, I saw it was still there, and went over to knock on the driver's window. The driver rolled down her window, and looked up at me questioningly.

I said, "You might have more luck if you shut it off, get out, and kick away the big ridge of snow in front of the front tires, then when you try again, give it a tiny bit of gas, pull out very slowly. Or back up a bit, and try going this way - follow the ruts made by other drivers, rather than attempt to push through the mounds of snow."

She swore viciously at me, rolled her window back up and continued to rev the car like a crazy woman. I still hear it roaring away as I walked back up the block to my house. She was furious, she was determined, she was going to make that car do what she wanted it to do.

I like to remember that lady, whenever I'm engaged in that same lunatic stubborness myself.

Our neighbour's small friendly dog tried to come for a visit this weekend. He tried pushing against the rather wobbly wire fence, and being old and tired, it gave a bit. He then backed up, put his head down, charged at it, and rammed it with his forehead.

It moved forward a bit, then springing back, flung him smartly backwards, unhurt. He gazed about him, apparently confused - what was he doing still on this side of the fence?

The neighbour and I grinned at each other, and he asked, "What was that phrase you used before, when we were discussing canine reasoning?"

I replied, "Dog-brain is a very strange place."

My husband commented from the deck, "At least he only tried that one time - I know people who would be doing that so many times, they'd have the design from the fence permanently engraved in their forehead."

I laughed, thinking of the times that I've been engaged in my own ramming attempts. How many times did my first sponsor suggest that I back up a bit and try going a different way? I couldn't hear her. I mistook my obstinacy for determination. I rationalised my inability to compromise. I defended my ~~pigheadedness~~ inflexibility.

The end result was the same as it was for our neighbour's lovely little dog. Didn't matter how many times I rammed that sucker, I was always landing on the same side of the fence at which I'd started.

In Al-Anon, the practise of the first 4 Steps allowed me to "Back up a bit, and try going this way." So began the miracles of positive change in my life.
I'm grateful. I enjoy the reminders.

Forgiveness Is A Choice, Not A Happening.

2011-06-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

I was listening to an AA speaker last evening, while doing yoga, and one thing he said really resonated with me. He was answering a question posed by an audience member, about forgiveness.

He replied that when he was talking to sponsees about forgiveness, and wrongs done to them, he'd ask: "Can you imagine yourself 5 years from now, would you have forgiven them by that time, do you think?"

Invariably, the reply, after some thought, is, "Yes."

He then asks, "Why wait?"
(I could hear the ripple of surpise, and appreciative murmurs, run through the audience.)
The speaker repeated, "Why wait? So you can marinate in your unhappiness, and be a victim? If you can see yourself forgiving them sometime in the future, why not do that right now, and then you have your freedom from the resentment and anger?"

Forgiveness has been a powerful tool for me, to increase my daily serenity. When I accept that other people are trying to function with their own confused thinking and character defects, just as I've done, and continue to do, I can choose forgiveness.

I used to think that forgiveness would just ...occur, after I'd reached a certain place in recovery. That has proven not to be the case. Forgiveness is a choice. As I let go of my old beliefs that I have the right to know what another should do, say, or think, forgiveness becomes an easy choice. It's not something I do for the other person, as I once thought. It's a choice I make to free myself - from anger, from resentment, from Victimville. I lived there for a long, long time, and I'm not interested in moving back. They say you can't go home again, well, I'm grateful that through the practise of Al-Anon, not only do I not go back there, I've pretty much bulldozed the entire place - nothing to see there, anymore. Blue sky, green grass, the occasional bird or deer wandering through, but all those buildings I'd constructed and maintained with rage and resentment, they're gone, with not even a foundation stone to mark their place.

That's freedom.

Step Groups.

2011-06-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

When several members of a Al-Anon group agree to meet once a week in addition o their regular home group meeting, for a mutually agreed number of weeks, to discuss the 12 Steps, it's commonly called a "Step group."

Last night was the first meeting of our new Step group, and it was wonderful. I love Step groups. I love the intimacy, the learning, the trust. I've been in groups which have started out rather raggedly because of clashing egos, but through assiduous practise of "principles above personalities" have melded into powerful rooms of change for all involved. That's something to see.

I remember every Step group in which I've taken part.
I was participating on a fairly shallow level at the beginning, because I was new to them, and new to trust, and found the revealing of myself to be quite frightening. But, just as it does in a regular meeting, the honesty and willingness to share being demonstrated by the other people at the table, showed me that it was safe to do so. Nothing terrible was going to happen if I was honest about my thinking, and my feelings.

There have been times when I haven't realised the effect of a Step group upon my growth, until long afterward. My thinking may have altered ever so slightly in one area - which shifts my perspective, and my perceptions. When I think differently, I see differently. In turn, when I see differently, I think differently. When I'm able to stay open to this process, it's a self-perpetuating movement towards a healthier way of life.

I encourage any of you who haven't yet joined a Step group to make the committment to the next one available to you. It's an experience difficult to articulate with clarity, but unremittingly positive for all concerned.

"Even When I'm Wrong, I'm Right."

2011-06-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

My ex used to say that, and I'd grind my teeth in frustration - in his worldview, he was always in the right, and that was just the way it was, period.

Life offers lessons; we accept or refuse them. When we are involved in a determination to be "right," we lose sight of the lesson we could be learning. When we are justifying our feelings or actions, we aren't listening to what our Higher Power may be trying to teach us.

It's always been a source of amazement to me, the way we human beings can take an obvious blunder, and through the use of some very tortured reasoning, flip it over into a deliberate choice motivated only by purest of feelings. And then argue this with the most impassioned speeches. All in the service of being "right."

When I admitted my powerlessness, and to the reality that my life was unmanageable, I gave up trying to be right. Right didn't matter so much any more - what mattered was that I was sunk in a gloom-filled mindset, with emotions roiling and resentment festering, and I was desperate to find a better way to live.

Being right is about ego, and the facade we display to the world. When I can let that go, and admit to my having been in error, or thoroughly mistaken, I achieve a freedom I was unaware was possible, in this lifetime.

I used to spend a lot of time being righteously indignant about the way other people behaved, or the things they said; that was my bashed-about ego trying to assert itself. I didn't know any other way to feel satisfied than to be "right" and someone else "wrong."

In this wonderful program, I have found that I can let all of that go. I can admit that I am powerless over anyone but myself, and for that, I'm grateful. I can step back from my erroneous assumptions of obligation and responsibility, detach, and turn my efforts towards what I can change.

All that time I invested in proving that I was "right," did not afford me one molecule of self respect, or ability to love myself. When I work towards improving myself, I know that I'm doing what I'm meant to do, and it satisfies me.

I've heard powerlessness criticised as "giving up" and for me, it was just that, but it was a giving up of that in which I shouldn't have been involved to begin with - trying to control the drinker and the drinking. Not my business.

I'm reminded of a program friend who laughingly recited an incident in which she'd declared dramatically to her alcoholic, "I wash my hands of you!" and looking upwards, he'd declared with equal drama, "Thankyou, God!"

I pray for the continued ability to admit my powerlessness, and for relaxed acceptance of that truth.

Self-Discipline

2011-06-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

One lesson I learned when young, was that if I had several tasks to perform, to do the one I wanted to do least, first. That way, it was finished, wasn't looming over me casting a long shadow, and everything that came after it felt easy by comparison. ( I always clean the bathroom first.)

I was explaining this to a sponsee, and she brought me up short by exclaiming, "I wouldn't have the self-discipline to do that!" I had to stop to consider - was it self-discipline? I suppose it is, although I think of it more as having found a way that works for me.

We then had a spirited discussion on labelling, and the different feelings which arose when considering "self-discipline" as opposed to "what works for me." She got really excited as she got a glimpse of the possibilities ahead, if she were to just change the way she labels her life. For her, "self-discipline" felt heavy and guilt-producing; "what works for me" felt light and powerful.

She said to me, hands waving, "I'm having one of those things you talk about, those things! You know what I mean, what are they, oh, why can't I remember?"

I asked, "Startling revelations?"

"Yes!" She sat back in her chair, satisfied, and beamed at me. I beamed back.

She said, "I've wanted one of my own, since the first time I heard you use that term."

I laughed, because that's how it seems to go in sponsorship. It's never the things upon which I pontificate, which make the connection for someone, it's the chance comment, the offhand remark.

"God is his own interpreter, and he will make it plain."
William Cowper

Perspective In Maturity.

2011-06-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

An Al-Anon member reminded me of a joking comment made by a mutual program friend ... he'd sighed heavily, and stated ruefully, that he'd come to the understanding that he wasn't the center of the universe. The rest of us at the table burst into laughter, but most could relate. When new to program, we may feel as though our feelings matter more than anything else around us.

Perhaps we believe that the strength of our feelings should cause people to treat us differently, make allowances, change a long-held policy or tradition. We may have been in pain for so long, that we don't know any other way to operate apart from using our feelings as a starting point for all of our decisions, justifying our behavior with our feelings.

We feel what we feel...

... and that's as far as it goes.

That feeling needs to begin, and end, with us. A feeling does not give us the right to demand change from someone else. It does not justify childish, manipulative or
vindictive behavior.

I speak from experience; I used my abusive childhood both as a shield, and a spear. I heard an AA member say something at an open meeting which stayed with me. He said that no-one cares what kind of misery we may have undergone then; what they care about, is whether or not we're a kind and loving person now. I couldn't shake that remark; it leapt into memory when my feelings were roused and I was about to behave unkindly.

I slowly, over time and practise of the Al-Anon program, began to understand that while I could live the rest of my life carrying that same rage and fear, I also had the option to let it go. How did I let it go? The same way we let anything go - by deciding to open my hand, relax my grasp, and let it fall away.

In program, I have learned that I have the right to my feelings. I've also learned that using my feelings as markers is not the best way to operate, since my feelings aren't always stimulated by the higher parts of my being. Sometimes they are the lizard brain, or the inner child demanding to be heard. I don't want to be a three-year-old all my life, I want to mature and grow. That means that oftentimes I need to feel my feeling, and then let it pass before I take any action - speak, write, or whatever the feeling is telling me to do. I can feel my feeling, observe that I'm feeling my feeling, and then share it with another member.

Not recite the way in which I arrived at that feeling: "I said this, and he/she said that, and then I said.." but share the feeling: "I'm feeling angry/lonely/frustrated/hurt."

Or recognise my feeling, and decide that it's all very interesting, but not worth verbalising, since if I am truly honest with myself, I can see that this is my inner three year old speaking. It's not the best idea, to let small children give me life advice. Before Al-Anon, I allowed my inner child to tell me what to say and do, because she was in a rage, or furious with hurt and pain, and wanted to have a temper tantrum to release the feeling.

We label certain behaviors "childish" because they are most often demonstrated by those young in years. When we have many years under our belt, and still act in that way, we have a problem. And we are a problem, to those who must deal with us.

I feel what I feel. That's fine; I let that happen, but I do it quietly, and without a lot of fanfare nowadays. If after a few day's contemplation I still feel strongly, and I can honestly say that I am not trying to change something or someone, I may speak up. I try to refrain from splashing my feeling about with much noise and drama.

Maturity has various components - mental, emotional, behavioural. That same AA guy I mentioned earlier, said something else that stayed with me. He said, "It's so hard!" is not a reason, excuse or justification. It's hard for all of us. It's just as hard for the person who has to put up with you, and your shortcomings. Think about that next time you start feeling sorry for yourself."

Question

2011-06-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

"Al-Anon talks about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. When I'm doing that "same thing," I really really believe it will turn out differently - how do I get past that blind spot?"

I have learned that I can have habits and patterns of thinking, which may seem to me quite reasonable, but which, when brought out into the light of day and discussed with another human being, sound rather deranged, in their denial of reality and experience.

It's all very well to have hope, and a positive attitude. For me, it was not that so much, as it was stubborn determination to achieve a desired result. This is where working the Steps with a sponsor can be so useful. A sponsor can help us to realise when we are not being honest with ourselves. A sponsor can act as a touchstone of grounded serenity. An Al-Anon friend jokes that she started to change her behavior, not because she thought she should, or believed that she was in the wrong, mistaken or misguided, but because she couldn't stand having to discuss it with her sponsor afterwards.

I happen to believe that for most of us, we will keep on doing what we are doing until we're ready to stop; until then, nothing changes because nothing changes. We will find reasons dazzling in their complexity, with which to justify this fact of life. We aren't ready to change, because we haven't had enough yet. That is impossible to explain or understand, if you don't happen to have that kind of co-dependent thinking.

In a car, the side mirrors can be set in such a way as to remove the "blind spot" - Al-Anon has helped me to reset my thinking, so as to see more clearly the ways in which my attitudes and emotions caused me strife and frustration - to remove my blind spot.

"Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged must end in disappointment."
Samuel Johnson

Wise man, Samuel; he figured out for himself, what I had to attend 12-Step to learn.

My suggestion to you, is to get a sponsor if you don't yet have one, and since you already have an idea of where your "blind spot" is, talk it out with other Al-Anon members and your sponsor. Work the Steps. Surrender all of it, blind spot included, and turn it over. Ask your Higher Power for help.

If You Don't Swim, You'll Just Float.

2011-06-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

Someone asked if I could please elaborate upon my remark yesterday that I seem to be hearing a lot lately from people who don't work the program, and say they "don't get much out of it."

Nobody would go out into their yard, start to dig a bit, clear perhaps a foot or two of sod down to the bare soil, then put down their tools, sit down in despair, and say they don't get anything from gardening. We can all see how silly that would be.
Yet this is what happens with 12-Step. People clear a bit of grass, get down to some dirt, then sit down, give up, and say they "don't get much out of Al-Anon." (Or AA, or any other program.) Or they come into 12-Step from a place of desperation, and do work the program at first, until they start to feel better, and that's where they stop. And rest. That rest can go on for years, until the parts are rusted together, and it takes monumental effort to unseize the brain.

I had one sponsee ask why she was so stuck, when another person who'd come to Al-Anon a month or so after she had, and whom she wasn't aware I sponsored, was moving in leaps and bounds? "Why?" she wailed to me, "I just don't get it!"

Why? Because she had never surrendered, never admitted her powerlessness or insanity - she was determined to be a victim, and any suggestion that she wasn't, or that she work to change herself, met with a fierce resentful resistance: "Why should I? It's not fair!"

Damn right it isn't. Let's move on, shall we?

I need to do regular digging and weeding, or my plot of self can quickly become choked with the buttercup of resentment strangling my newer, less-established plantings. I need to be going out every day and doing an inventory, or nature will take over - untended gardens revert to the wild. I don't want to have to start all over from the beginning.

I'm going out to the garden, are you coming? No, you're going to watch from here? Ok, but don't complain when a month from now, you can't tell you'd ever started to dig.

Forgive the analogy, but that's how it is - you don't get the result without the effort. Stop doing the work, or never begin, and you won't get anything but more of what you have now - packets of seeds, and a vague intention.

One place we lived, we had a neighbour who used to walk past our front garden, and stop to sigh, "I wish my garden looked like this." Finally, my husband could bear it no longer, and replied with a smile, "It could, if you put in the time and exertion that my wife does."

Goose Footsteps.

2011-06-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, while out and about, I met up with someone I haven't seen in perhaps ten years. We stood on the street and talked for a bit.

It was a peach of a day - sunny and warm, with a slight refreshing breeze. The rhododendrons are out in full glory this time of year; a 15'x10' bush completely covered in those incredible blossoms is a spectacular sight, and never fails to move me to awe.

Within a few minutes of this lady and I starting to talk, she was ranting angrily about the man she divorced ten years ago - him, his family, his children. I tried several times to change the subject to something positive, but she wasn't interested.

A wave of sadness washed through me, as I realised that she was stuck in the same place in which she'd been stuck when I first knew her all those years ago. She was still clutching her righteous anger, keeping it stoked to full burn as she remembered every slight, real or imagined. I recalled that she'd been unwilling to let any of it go back then, and she was still unwilling.

She said, at one point, that she wasn't getting much out of 12-Step anymore - I keep hearing this lately, from people who don't work the program, and wonder why it doesn't help them the way it helps others.

I interrupted to say that I needed to be going, and we said our goodbyes. When I began to walk again, I had one of those powerful "gratitude shudders," because I was just that way, when I was new to Al-Anon - full of rage and suspicion, unable to let go of anything that had ever happened to hurt me, desperate in my loneliness. Had I not embraced this program in its entirety, that is who I would still be.

I feel as though I had a narrow escape.

I cannot thank my family doctor enough for continuing to suggest Al-Anon until I finally heard him, and tried it. I feel a deep gratitude for the ladies in my first meeting, who were so warm, loving, and welcoming. I'm grateful to my first and succeeding sponsors, and all of those who have offered me their "experience, strength and hope." Bless you all, and I thank you wholeheartedly.

Practise Makes Better - Perfect Isn't Achievable.

2011-06-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

One of the delights of 12-Step, is to watch the growth of a person who is sincerely trying to work this program. Most people coast for a while when they first start attending meetings, because they have a period of what is simply, relief:
a heavy-sighing plonking down of the burden of self into a chair, and the willingness to listen.

Some go so far, and no further, and that works for them. It wouldn't and didn't work for me, but I was very tangled and twisted in my thinking, and a seething mess of resentment, anger and pain. When I began to understand that were I to truly put in the effort, I could achieve a peace of mind unimaginable to me then, it opened a vein of longing within me. I became willing to do whatever it took to get there.

I'm not suggesting that I was willing each and every moment of each and every day, because that's just not true; I had (and still have) times when I was/am practising my program more from custom than inclination, and my feelings were/are not the pure and lovely creatures I might wish them to be. But habit being a powerful thing indeed, I do the Al-Anon thing instead of the other, and the results are the same either way.

I may be letting go and letting God only because it has become a habit to do so in this sort of instance, and I may not be able to achieve unmixed willingness until my feelings have subsided a bit, but really, isn't that the point of all our work? To make these healthy choices our familiar way of doing things?

Provocation - An Opportunity To Work My Program

2011-06-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

Some days, the only thing that works, is to fall silent, stay that way, and recite the Serenity Prayer to myself, until such time as I can escape from the company of a person trying to pick a fight with me.

I don't have to know why they are feeling argumentative or trying to provoke me; that's not my business, or my problem. My part of it, is to behave in a way that I can respect, and remember, without cringing or regretting. For me, that usually means to keep my mouth firmly closed.

It's a disease, and it has a myriad of effects upon a person. I don't need to spend time trying to decipher the meaning of their words or their behavior; I don't have to defend, protest, argue.

I can ask for guidance and Let It Go.

We're having some gloriously sunny warm weather, and that makes me happy. I get up each morning and go out to examine my garden to see how it's progressing.

"Earth laughs in flowers."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Disagreeable and Lonesome.

2011-05-30T12:12:00.000-07:00

"The question is not what a man can scorn, or disparage, or find fault with, but what he can love, and value, and appreciate."
John Ruskin.

Many of us have had so many years of frustration with someone's drinking by the time we hit the rooms of Al-Anon, that it can be quite the project to begin "loving, valuing and appreciating" our alcoholics.

We may treat our partner with a scornful disdain, while complaining that they no longer give us the affection we need and want. Someone once asked me, after I'd been complaining about the way I was treated by my first husband, "How do you treat him? With respect?"

I fell silent, unable to reply in the affirmative. I had lost all respect for him, with my loss of trust in him. I was new enough to Al-Anon to still be quite skilled at dismissing anything which didn't fit my world view, but that was one of those questions that would not be dismissed, it kept arising in my internal dialogue.

When working my first Step Four, I had to admit that I treated my first husband with contempt, disdain, rudeness, and cruelty, while at the same time complaining of the way he treated me. We were horrible to each other, it was just that his nastiness was delivered at the top of his voice, and mine came in quiet cutting remarks dropped into silences.

I could not begin to grow until I was able to admit where I was at the moment. All of my blaming and demonising of him may have satisfied the more childish element of my character, but it gave me no peace, and negatively affected my self-respect.

I have become a person I can love and respect, through my slow (so slow!) willingness to see my own character defects as affecting my experience in the world. If I am disagreeable, I will most likely be lonesome, because who wants to be around a chronic complainer who is full of scorn for the things others treasure?

When my husband was graduating from college, I somehow ended up sitting in the audience beside a woman who leant over and tried to fill my ear with disparaging remarks about the college, the courses, the instructors, the students...she was the girlfriend of a man who'd been in one of my husband's courses, and who he'd tried to avoid, because this man and his girlfriend shared a worldview unremittingly negative.

Before Al-Anon, I considered happy people to be fools who either didn't understand the realities of human life, or lucky bastards who had somehow escaped what the rest of us had suffered. It was unimaginable to me that anyone could suffer, and come through that suffering with an ability to "love, value, and appreciate."

From Courage to Change, page 148:

"After so many disappointments, it seemed too painful to continue to hope. We shut our hearts and minds to our dreams, and stopped expecting to find happiness. We weren't happy, but at least we wouldn't be let down anymore."

We may start out using a negative attitude as a way to protect our inner selves from the blows of disappointment, but it can become habitual, and then we're in real trouble, because our inner dialogue stops offering us the positive side, and we forget that there is one.

The reading goes on:

"I will not let fear of disappointment prevent me from enjoying this day. I have a great capacity for happiness."

I have found this to be nothing but the pure truth. I do have a great capacity for happiness, and that's a glorious thing.